Marauder Moments

Remus sighed, closing his eyes as the shower's steamy water relaxed his muscles. He valued his showers; with the Marauders as friends, they were the only quiet time he had. Just when his inner musings on life had reached such a serene point that his was on the very edge of achieving Nirvana and ultimate enlightenment, something large jumped over the shower door, screaming, and sent him crashing down to the floor.

Remus let out possibly the loudest blood-curdling scream of all time. Students everywhere stopped what they were doing in confusion, and animals of the Forbidden Forest ran for cover from the horrible screech.

Moony finally came to his senses, scream dying in his throat. Sirius was sprawled on top of him, nearly chocking on his own laughter. "SIRIUS!" the werewolf squawked indignantly. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! I'M NAKED! AND WET!"

"Haaahaaaahaaahahaha! Your-Your face! Sohahah Funny! You! Haa! Scream! Haaa haahahahaah! Girl!"

The bathroom door bust open and what looked to be the entire boy's side of the Gryffindor dorm, with James in the lead, came running in.

"Moony, Moony, what's wro—!"

James froze. The boys froze. Remus froze. Sirius froze. Time itself froze.

James audibly swallowed. "Oh..um..er..Carry on then..just..A little quieter if you will."

Sirius shot off Remus, who was beat red in mortification. "No! It's not what it looks like!"

But the boys were all quickly exiting, some looking annoyed, some embarrassed, some snickering. The door closed with a loud thud.

…..

"…Sirius. Orion. Black," Remus spat with such murderous intent that all the hair on Sirius's body stood on end. "You. Attacked me. In. the. Shower."

"..Err..Haha? it was funny, right?"

"…"

"…Right Moony?"

"…"

"…Moons…what are you doing with that Shampoo bottle…?"

"…." –smirk-

James groaned, hearing Sirius screams echoing from the bathroom.

'AHHH! PLEASE, MOONY, MERCY, MERCY! I'M AHHHHH! SORRY! SOOORRYY! AHHHH! FORGIVE THE PADFOOT! FORGIVE! FORGI-AHHHHHHH!'

"Do they have to be so bloody loud and kinky all the time?" he asked himself in exasperation.

(Author's note: Prompt—Soaking wet by OnceUponAMidnight)

The Marauders lazed around their dorm room, too bored to actually do anything. Moony had been studiously ignoring Padfoot all day, still angry about the shower incident, and had the curtains drawn around his bed, sulking.

"Hey Paddy?" James asked.

"Yes Monsieur Prongsy?"

"How do you think we're going to die?"

"Well you, being the loony-Lily-lover that you are, will die valiantly, trying to protect her fair maideness. But your antlered offspring will avenge your death by growing up to kick ass, win hearts, and pretty much save the whole bloody world. Oh, and at some point in his life, he will beat a dragon with nothing but a broomstick. True story. Wormy will live a rugged life on the streets, probably losing a limb or two along the way—" Wormtail paused long enough from reading his comic book to shudder. He liked his limbs attached to his body thank you very much—"And," Sirius continued, "Moony,the old romantic that we all secretly known he is, will die hand-in-hand, in an epic battle against good and evil, with the woman he loves."

"And you Monsieur Insanity?"

Sirius dramatically grasped the curtains hanging around his bed, twisting them about his body. "Why death by drapery of course. Who but I could pull of dying in such a fashionable way?"

The two boys burst out snickering, but Remus couldn't help but feel unnerved. So what if his friends—mostly Sirius—were bloody insane and had no concept of personal boundaries. They were his friends and one day they would be gone… He wasn't going to waste any time with them sulking just because Padfoot was in need of dire mental care. He came out from his curtains and sat beside Sirius. "What do you guys say we celebrate Sirius's astounding seer abilities with some chocolate? My treat."

James and Peter both looked up at Remus with wide-sparkly eyes, touched that he would share his much coveted delicious goodness, but Sirius shifted guiltily. "Err, about that mate…I may have kind of sorta eaten the last of your secret stash…"

"…."

"…Moony?"

"I hope the drapes that kill you smell like mothballs."

(Author's note: Prompt—When James asks Sirius, what he thinks they'll all be doing in a couple of years, Sirius gives a random but accurate telling of their sad fates by 2)

Sirius sat down on James's bed, putting on his best serious(siriusly serious) face he could. "We need to talk, Prongsy."

"Why? Did you forget how to tie your shoelaces again?"

"No! And I was drunk, so that one time doesn't count! Anyway, we need to talk about this whole Evans-obsession business because frankly mate, it's getting a bit worrying."

"Sirius not this again—"

"Ah! But you see this time, I've brought a chart to assist me in my explanation of you recent loss of sanity!"

"…You made a chart?"

Nodding eagerly, Sirius dove under James's bed and resurfaced with a slightly bent piece of cardboard. The cardboard had what appeared to be a circle with random patches scribbled in.

James blinked. "…And you kept it under my bed? How long has that thing been there?"

"Since last Tuesday."

"…What's that red splotch?"

"Ketchup. Making charts is hungry work. Now anyway, if you refer to this blue patch, you will see that your Evans obsession is subtracting from your Sirius time by seventy-seven percent. Here on the yellow patch we see a thirty-two percent distraction from Quidditch, the teal—"

"You used teal? What kind of man uses teal?"

"Mighty men with extremely large genitals. Now as I was saying, the teal shows a twenty percent reduction in pranking time. Now we all agree these are bad things, yes. Very. Bad. Things."

James rolled his eyes. "You're making those numbers up Pads."

"Fine. Then maybe this last statistic will make you give up this unholy obsession with Evans. Do you see the purple patch? That's your chances of Evans ever even learning to tolerate your existence."

"….But there isn't a purple patch."

"Exactly."

"….."

"So you see Jamie-boy, you should really stop chasing that skirt and devote all you time to the gloriousness of me!"

"…."

Sirius walked into the Common Room, a cheap piece of cardboard hanging around his neck like a dog collar. Remus shook his head, sighing. "I told you you shouldn't have shown him the chart."

"Oh go bugger yourself."

(Author's note: Prompt—I knew it was a bad idea to show you that by Elsie-Phoenix).