X. Tomorrow
Nothing about the way she felt was rational. You could blame it on the hormones, still so bailed up after all these months. Booth would just say, "You're her mom."
"You're her mom", was kind of his favorite thing to say these days.
She was a mom now.
Maybe it was the fact that this incredibly perfect human being – Brennan still counted Christine's phalanges on a regular base – had developed inside of her body for ten months, maybe it was the fact that the baby shared hers and Booth's DNA, maybe it was just that her daughter was the cutest baby ever...
Nothing was rational.
A mother's brain reacts as if drugged when her baby smiles at her. As a scientist, she knew that. But not as a mom. The heart-clenching rush of fear and joy was unlike everything she had ever expected. Loving Christine was so sweet but raw at the same time. Even loving Booth – as mighty as it was – felt relatively save compared to the scarily intense depths that were Brennan's feelings for the baby.
And here she was, six weeks into this new life they had created, and the thought of being separated from her child hurt her almost physically. It made no sense. She would be fine. They would be fine. Booth had even used his FBI powers to do a background check on the daycare director. Unbeknownst to him, Brennan had used her very own powers as well...
Christine was looking up at her with her big marble eyes – it was still too early to tell their exact color – tiny hands fluttering through the air. Brennan frowned as she took in the elephant printed on the onesie. Even though they weren't aggressive by nature, elephants could still kill infants.
With grim satisfaction, Brennan reached for the blanket to swaddle her daughter. This one had been her choice, and the butterflies scattered all over the white fabric had just the right size to be anatomically correct. Besides, butterflies were friendly.
"Here are my girls."
Booth entered the nursery with a big grin. He was smiling at lot these days and she decided to let him have the "girls" remark. Brushing her hair aside, he kissed her cheek lovingly before scooping up the gurgling baby.
He was a wonderful father... a wonderful man. Her wonderful man. The thought sent pleasant shivers through her whole body, just like it always did, but today she couldn't shake off the strange feeling of anxiety.
Today would be her first day back at work.
Brennan had missed work. The lab. The squints. The feeling of smooth bones underneath her fingertips. The simple beauty that was science. It was so rational, made sense. She had truly missed it. However, missing work had been an almost pleasant longing compared to the idea of giving her precious baby to someone else for the better part of the day.
Her priorities had shifted so completely and, this time, it wouldn't be undone in three days. It could never be undone.
She was a mom now.
-BONES-
She lasted about two hours before she had to cry for the first time. Secretly, just a little bit ashamed. It had been nothing... really nothing... just that little cap of her daughter which had somehow found its way into her shoulder bag. Found its way into her hands... and to her nose. Inhaling deeply, Brennan was overwhelmed by the sweet and utterly familiar baby scent she found in the soft fabric, and, immediately, the milk shot into her breasts with painful force.
She tried to convince herself that one photo every thirty minutes would be enough, tried to convince the others as well. Around eleven o' clock, when it was time to nurse her daughter, Brennan found that she was almost running, though.
And there she was. Tiny and perfect and warm and breathing. Hers. The weight of the baby soothed the former emptiness of her arms, greedy lips on her breast suckled away the pain. Booth dropped by as well, watching how she fed the child, rocking her chair ever so gently.
Suddenly, everything made sense again. Until she had to leave. Empty arms and heavy heart.
"Are you okay?"
Concern in his voice, reassurance in his deep brown eyes. She swallowed hard, clutching his hand just a tad too fiercely.
"I'm fine. Just... adjusting."
He gave her a secret hug in the hallway, and the tears threatened to fall as she was buried so safely in his arms. Taking a deep breath, she tried to shake it off, giving him a fragile smile. And his heart expanded. Tucking one loose curl behind her ear – he loved her curls and was ridiculously glad to see them back – Booth regarded her pale face.
"You know, I miss her, too, Bones."
"She is in good hands."
"Yes, she is."
The rest of the day went by achingly slowly, and when it was finally time to pick up the baby, Brennan was almost crazy with relief. Tomorrow would be easier.
Except that... it wasn't.
This time, she was prepared for the ache of longing, though, determined to compartmentalize. Until she found that baby in the drawer. Her best friend breaking the rules so shamelessly.
"Why is he here?"
"Seriously? Because I missed him. Don't you miss Christine?"
Oh, yes! So, so much...
"I'm at work, so I focus on work. We have to compartmentalize our lives."
Liar!
"And you can do that?"
No! No, she couldn't... regardless of how hard she tried...
"I have to."
"Okay. Well, I can't, so I just break the rules. And it feels so good, doesn't it?"
Brennan's phone chose that moment to beep, rewarding her with a brand-new picture of her own baby, the one she was missing so much.
"Christine."
"Aw. So is that all you need?"
No! I need to hold her, smell her, feel her, her body cried.
"I'll see her soon enough."
One arrest and an impromptu shopping trip later, she could finally breathe again. However, she couldn't bring herself to put the sleeping baby into her crib, couldn't let go of her daughter. Brennan was done pretending to be fine, when, in truth, she wasn't, and, his arm around her, the baby so close to her, she finally allowed the tears to fall.
"It's not rational, I know... I mean, look at her." Her voice broke. "I just missed her so much."
And his heart that was already so very full of love for her, for them, drowned even further in the sweet sensation.
"Look, I'll be here for you and for her. Anything you need. We'll go slow on this."
Her head dropped onto his shoulder, like it always did, and shifting slightly, he brushed her temple with his lips.
"I just didn't expect it to be so... hard. So heart-crushing," she said after her while, her voice almost tiny.
"You're her mom."
His favorite thing to say. And, somehow, it made her smile. Turning her head, she offered him her lips, and he grazed them softly with his own, filling her with renewed confidence.
"I'll learn to adjust."
The baby meowed in sleep, and his gaze lingered on the sweet little face.
"No, you probably won't. But you'll get used to not adjusting, Bones."
Later that night, she cried in his arms... his arms where she had learned to sleep and moan and feel safe in. It was okay to let go in his arms. He was stroking her back, soothing her with the very same voice he used to comfort the baby. It was okay not be strong all the time. He had known that all along; she had just figured it out. She cried until she felt empty but full at the same time, a sweet mixture of his warm skin and baby powder surrounding her, pulling her under the cover of sleep.
The scent of love. The scent of family.
Tomorrow would be easier. She would ask Angela for advice about sneaking babies into the lab. She would learn to cope.
But most of all... she wouldn't be alone.
Would never be again.
To be continued...
How utterly perfect was this episode?