Mock Effect 3
Chapter 10: Projectile Dysfunction
INT: NORMANDY 2.0: WAR ROOM: AFTER THE BOMB
(During the previous mission, JANE & JOHN SHEPARD and friends managed to defuse a huge bomb set up on Tuchanka that had been planted there by Turians a long time ago)
WREX: You did what?!
PRIMARCH VICTUS: We disarmed a bomb that would have taken out your most heavily populated areas.
WREX: But you planted it there!
PRIMARCH VICTUS: And I suppose you were on your way to Palaven to plant flowers and sing kum-by-ya?
JANE: Enough! Primarch, you should have told us when we became allies, so we could avoid
conversations like this. Wrex, calm down, you had a secret mission too, I believe?
WREX: (Resentful) Yeah…
JANE: Well, out with it.
WREX: In front of him?
JANE: After the last one, how bad could it be?
WREX: There are reports of Rachni going around.
JOHN: I saw them on TMZ last night. Expel 10 is better, but they're a pretty good band.
WREX: No… real Rachni. The strange cockroach things we fought on Noveria back in the day. I sent a team in to find out, and they disappeared.
JOHN: Ooh. Spooky.
WREX: We need to find out what's going on, so I've got my best scouts lined up to go in there, but it would be better to send you with them.
JOHN: Wait a minute. Rachni, not the band? The bug things? I killed the last one, your team can relax.
WREX: I know, I was there. But the reports are almost enough to suspect a retcon.
JANE: I hate retcons. We'll go. Primarch, you and Adrian have a good long talk about tactics.
PRIMARCH VICTUS: Oh, trust me, we will.
JANE: Make sure you cover stealth tactics. Heck knows we can't teach them.
JOHN: What's stealth?
(The PRIMARCH leaves the room, and WREX heads to MORDIN's lab to check on EVE. JANE & JOHN head for the shuttle, snagging JAMES & LIARA on the way. As they shuttle over to the meeting point, EDI briefs them over the radio)
INT: SHUTTLE: UTUKKU: TIME TO BUY A WATCH
EDI: You will be meeting with Aralakh Company. They are a well-known group of Krogan Commandos.
JOHN: Wait, the Schwarzenegger type or the No-underwear type?
EDI: (A pause, which is as close as a robot can come to a sigh) The former. The reports are troubling, given that you eliminated the last Rachni queen when you encountered her on Noveria.
JANE: Against my judgment. I told you it was a bad idea.
JOHN: Killing bugs is never a bad idea. That's why I…
(The shuttle lands and as JOHN faces JANE, the doors open behind him. Before he can finish his sentence, he is yanked out of the shuttle into a bear hug/head butt with GRUNT!)
GRUNT: Shepard! What are you doing here? Did you get promoted too?
JANE: Sort of. We're here to help you investigate the Rachni threat.
GRUNT: Yes, they do pose a serious threat to the culture of quality orchestrations. Er… I mean, that band sucks!
JOHN: The bug things, not the band.
GRUNT: Oh? Interesting. I look forward to the chance to experience their abilities firsthand.
LIARA: It's good to meet you again, Grunt.
GRUNT: Huh? I've never met you before.
LIARA: What? The dossier said… Oh dear. (LIARA turns aside and mutters at thin air)
GRUNT: Is she alright?
JANE: Just being her strange self. She's talking to her personal assistant drone… I hope.
JAMES: You get used to it. I'm James Vega. I could beat you in a fight.
GRUNT: Is pugilism the only way to impress you people?
(They walk from the landing area to the camp. JANE makes conversation)
JANE: So, Grunt, I thought you were running a library on Tuchanka, how did you end up out here?
GRUNT: I learned a hard lesson.
JOHN: That books are boring?
GRUNT: Hardly. Rather, that it is not in one's best interest to pursue overdue books that are checked out by trigger happy warlords. Especially if one happens to mention that some of them were on flower arrangement. They take it badly.
JOHN: You're on the run?
GRUNT: No. Wrex "promoted" me to commander of this company to get me out of his hair. (Before John can ask) I speak figuratively, of course.
JANE: They can't have taken too well to a tank bred being in charge…
GRUNT: It took some persuasion, but we're on good terms now. I brought a few books with me to pass the time, and I was able to show them my skill set.
JOHN: You put them to sleep?
GRUNT: Ha! No, I showed them how great books can be. We're working our way through Treasure Island this time.
JANE: An excellent choice.
GRUNT: (Shrugs) Robinson Crusoe seemed a little depressing.
(They arrive at the camp. Rickety structures hang precariously off the walls of a canyon. Salutes are exchanged, and GRUNT sends them ahead. To their surprise, the building does not lead to the path down into the cave and instead starts to fall down the embankment instead. Fortunately, this area of the canyon is not deep and they land with not much damaged other than their pride.)
GRUNT: (Shouting down from above) Whoops… it's a little shaky. Should've warned you about that.
JANE: (Brushing herself off) Now he tells us. (Shouts up) We'll meet you further in, alright?
JAMES: Looks like a cave down here.
LIARA: There's something by the mouth…
JANE: It's a body. I guess this guy didn't survive the fall when the camp fell apart the first time.
JOHN: Well he came prepared. Look at this flamethrower!
JANE: Why would you need a (her voice trails off as she sees that the entrance to the cave is covered in webbing) Oh great, spider-man's been here.
(Pressing forward, they encounter more webbing, some strange egg things that JOHN burns before anybody can look at them, and more flamethrowers.)
JANE: I have a bad feeling about this.
JOHN: You have a bad feeling about everything.
JAMES: To be fair, she's usually right.
(Ahead is an open chamber that doesn't look like a trap at all. They jump down, and are promptly pinned down by some sort of mortar fire.)
LIARA: What is that?
JOHN: You look, I like my head where it is.
JANE: It's not like you use it.
JOHN: Hey, without my pretty face, you'd be in even worse scrapes than you already are.
JANE: Oh yeah? (mocking) I'm a ruthless scoundrel, I shoot every problem that gets in my way, it never causes any more problems! What would have happened if you'd paused and listened for once? Like if you'd listened to me and saved the Rachni Queen back on Noveria? But noooo, you just had to dump the acid on her. There goes the intergalactic early warning system!
(JAMES, as eager to get out of the foxhole as he is to do 183 chin-ups, throws a grenade out into the attack. They hear an even bigger explosion and the artillery fire stops. Everyone gets up and looks around)
JANE: What was that?
LIARA: Whatever it was made a pretty big mess.
JOHN: Well, we certainly know it's green, anyway.
(They torch some more eggs, these ones containing some nasty looking bugs. JOHN wastes an entire flamethrower tank on one bug and then switches weapons and starts pistol whipping them. He & JAMES soon begin a contest to see who can hit one the furthest. It ends when JOHN throws his pistol over the cliff by accident and LIARA has to retrieve it with biotics.)
INT: UTUKKU: STRANGE CAVE: EMPTY ROOM
(They meet up with GRUNT & his team in a large room with strange wires hanging from the stalactites. GRUNT is very excited.)
GRUNT: They've modified them! I don't know how, but they've modified the genetic structure of the Rachni!
JANE: So that's what they were. We were too busy ducking.
GRUNT: I grabbed one so I could get a closer look but I had to throw it in a crevasse instead. How did the acid from before somehow attain explosive properties and shell casings? Completely dysfunctional…
JAMES: Artillery bugs?
JOHN: Huh?
GRUNT: (Pauses, notes his audience) We should shoot them!
JOHN: Right! Where they at?
GRUNT: They seem to be protecting the central chamber that's through that door. We'll hold them off here, you go deal with the boss!
JANE: Wait, why are we puny humans in the central chamber dealing with the big bad thing, and you huge redundant nervous system Krogan out here fighting off bugs?
GRUNT: You're more gullible than we are? (Shrugs apologetically to JANE's glare)
JOHN: CHARGE!
INT: UTUKKU: BOSS CHAMBER: STUCK
(The charge ends as abruptly as it started, as JOHN stares confusedly at the metal wall in front of him.)
LIARA: Is there a way around?
JAMES: The reapers really don't want us to get in here.
JANE: (Pops shot into the conveniently placed magic keyhole) Too bad.
(What they see is not a swarm of timed Rachni & Husks that come out every time they shoot the keyhole, but an enormous Rachni queen, surrounded by bodies of dead Krogan)
JOHN: I guess we know what happened to the flamethrower guys. Thanks for the cool toys, guys.
ZOMBIE KROGAN: (Responding much to JANE'S horror and JOHN'S confusion) No problem.
JANE: Why? Why are there always zombies? Wait… Rachni… Zombies… enormous Queen in front of us…
JOHN: We're talking to the giant bug again.
ZOMBIE KROGAN/RACHNI QUEEN: The … maddening sour note has ceased.
JOHN: I thought we killed you.
JANE: For the record, it was an accident, I was trying to stop him.
RACHNI QUEEN: We listen for the children … they are silent, hollow. The machines come and take them to war…
JANE: Oh come on! Can't we ever catch a break?
JAMES: Commander, it's not her fault.
JANE: I know that, but this is ridiculous. We made this decision (Glares at JOHN) back in the first game, and now the whole trip to Noveria was useless. Well except to give you nightmares, Liara.
LIARA: Thanks for bringing that up. I had almost forgotten my mother in that ridiculous outfit.
JOHN: Retcon, schmetcon, what can you do for us now?
RACHNI QUEEN: We can betray you later and start eating the crew. But all you'll know about it is a blip on your galaxy at war screen. Only one shackle remains! Release us!
GRUNT: (Over the radio) Shepard! We need to get out of here! Their tactics are improving! If my men and I don't move now, we're dead!
LIARA: (Shouting) She needs time to escape!
JANE: Hey, quit that. Why do you need to shout?
LIARA'S ECHO: (returning) She needs time to escape…escape…escape!
JANE: Oh.
LIARA: I was also trying to increase the tension and make up for the lack of decision from the developers by amping up the drama for this after-decision. We can either save the crack squad of Krogan or the Queen.
JOHN: Meh, I like the Krogan better. Get to the choppah!
(JOHN, LIARA, JAMES, and the Krogan Squad run for the exit, GRUNT leading the way. JANE hesitates for a second, and then fires a shot at the last shackle, releasing the queen just in time for the Rachni artillery bugs to start aiming for her.)
INT: UTUKKU: CAVE TUNNEL: FEW MINUTES LATER
(JANE has caught up with the rest of them, and GRUNT has snuck ahead to recon the area)
JOHN: Now what did you do that for?
JANE: No one deserves to die in a cage.
JOHN: Lame. Better her than us.
JANE: Well, maybe she'll get a couple shots in before they blow her to smithereens. (JOHN shrugs)
GRUNT: (Returning) Bad news, folks.
JANE: Color me surprised.
GRUNT: The tunnels ahead are swarming with Rachni.
JOHN: Sweet. Charging time!
GRUNT: No. It's time for a dramatic sacrifice video.
JOHN: Aw man. Those always make me tear up. It ruins my manly image.
JANE: (Snorts) Can we do anything?
GRUNT: Listen to the background music.
(They all listen for a second, and sure enough that slow piano music has started up again.)
JANE: Nothing for it, then.
JOHN: It was good fighting with you Grunt.
GRUNT: I've been your friend since the moment you first shot me on the Normandy. Thanks for letting me do this.
(They run down the empty pathway that the Rachni have conveniently left open, while GRUNT charges to rousing strings. He effectively wipes out the bugs near him, but a second contingent follows, and he is forced to the edge of the cliff. The last they see of Grunt is him grabbing a nearby bug and jumping off the cliff on top of it.)
EXT: UTUKKU: SHUTTLE: MOMENT OF DRAMATIC SADNESS
CORTEZ: Where's your friend?
JANE: This is it. We're the last ones out.
CORTEZ: I'm sorry.
(The slow piano suddenly picks up and JOHN stops rubbing his eyes to get rid of what he insists is a speck of dust.)
JOHN: Wait! What's that?
(Staggering out of the canyon, bleeding from several places, GRUNT staggers towards the shuttle. JANE, JOHN, and a couple members of Grunt's team run up and help him on. He mutters something and Jane leans in to hear it)
GRUNT: They don't… bounce… nearly as high … as I thought…