Fighting to Survive Chapter 10
I don't own SVU or it's characters.
"Does she stand a chance?" Elliot finally spoke after riding silently most of the way back to the one-six with Alex.
"Trevor seems to think there's a chance she may not serve any time. It's a small chance, but he's confident nonetheless." Alex wasn't quite sure what to say to Elliot so she was thankful he finally chose to speak.
"More like cocky. Liv can't afford his ego right now." Stabler didn't even try to hide his dislike of the handsome defense attorney.
"She can't afford to not have him working her case. He'll do right by her." Alex took a few minutes to really look at Elliot while they waited out a light. "How have you been doing? Nobody's heard a thing from you in months."
Alex was grateful for the need to focus on the road when Elliot gave her that infamous Stabler glare. "My problems are small in comparison."
Elliot made his way into the squad room instantly spotting Nick sitting at his old desk. He slowed his pace not sure if he was too interested in having a conversation with the man; at least not right now. Elliot glanced at Olivia's desk immediately noticing the disorganized mess it was. He knew his partner and that was not how she worked. He let his feet move him until he stood next to her chair facing Nick who was now studying him.
"Why is her desk like this? She hates it when things are out of order." Elliot started straightening the paperwork and putting the pens in the coffee mug she used as a holder.
"What are you doing here, Stabler?" Nick had gotten to his feet and was considering approaching Elliot.
Elliot looked up seemingly surprised Nick would ask such a question. "I, uh, I know she hates it when she gets so busy, you know with a case or something, and her things are out of order." Elliot looked up at Nick quickly before turning his attention to her desk drawer after sliding it open. He let his eyes fall to the contents of the drawer which included a picture of the two of them. Elliot felt a little stab that she had removed the picture from her desk top.
Nick moved in closer to Elliot and slowly closed the desk drawer forcing Elliot to focus on the younger detective. "Richard Morris, age forty-five. Stood six foot four, weighed approximately two eighty. Dark brown hair, blue eyes. Native of New York; born in Brooklyn, lived and worked here in Manhattan. Was a car salesman. Specialty, foreign models, not your average used car salesman. Pulled in roughly sixty five K a year; what he reported anyway."
Elliot crossed his arms over his chest, leaning to sit on Olivia's desk. Nick paused for a few seconds before continuing on. "Morris' blood alcohol limit was well over legal limit and there was also a small amount of cocaine in his system." Nick paused again allowing Elliot to take in all the information he was handing him.
"Olivia didn't stand a chance against him once he became physical. Spoke with Charles Willis, bartender at the dive down the block from her apartment…" Nick stopped when Elliot held up his hand.
"Why? What took you there?" Elliot cursed himself for sounding angry with Nick. He knew he was trying to do right by him, despite the fact Elliot had no business even being in the precinct at this point.
Nick stared Elliot down contemplating how to answer. "I know you don't want to hear this, but Olivia's been drinking quite a bit. She was a regular there and I knew this because I often joined her after shift."
Elliot glared at Nick as if he had enabled Olivia's downward spiral somehow. His silence was the go-ahead for Nick to continue.
"Olivia's blood alcohol level was high, but within legal limits. According to Charles Willis she had drank quite a bit but was functioning better than most sober people when she left."
"If Olivia had become a regular, did she mention Morris to Willis or did he ever see Morris in there with her?" Elliot wondered if it even mattered, but needed to know how things got to this point. He knew how his partner was, but he didn't know how she had been. He didn't know because he refused to call her, refused to take her calls, failed to check on her.
"She was friendly it seems with Willis and yes she did mention having some problems with a current boyfriend." Nick wondered if he had satisfied whatever need Elliot had to be there at that moment. He knew Elliot really shouldn't know all the details, but he was Olivia's partner for over twelve years. Nick couldn't help but feel sorry for him.
"What else you got?" Elliot wanted to know the specifics but also knew that would paint the picture of his partner being brutally raped and he was already struggling with keeping that image out of his head.
Nick shook his head slowly from side to side. Elliot wasn't sure if that meant he didn't have anything more to share or he was refusing to continue. Either way, Elliot knew the conversation was over.
"Cragen thinks the DA's office will want to speed this up to avoid as much media as possible. She could be going away within a few days even." Elliot figured Cragen had told Nick as much as well.
"Or maybe not at all." Obviously Nick already knew of Langan's reputation.
Elliot simply nodded. "I'm going to crash in the crib. You never saw me, okay?"
"Yeah, okay." The two men stood without moving for a few moments longer. It was obvious they both cared a great deal about Olivia. Elliot made his way to the crib, realizing the extent of his exhaustion. He immediately took the bunk he knew she preferred when she would catch cat naps from time to time. He was searching for any way to be near her now after months of forcing himself to stay away from her.
Elliot let himself slowly drift off to the hum of the busy squad room beneath him. He wasn't sorry he left the SVU; he was just sorry he left her behind.
Grace adjusted her posture to a more relaxed position hoping it would help Olivia open up to her. She noticed there wasn't a thing relaxed about the weary detective. "Probably a stupid question, but how'd you sleep last night?"
Olivia's eyes rose slowly to meet Grace's. "Yeah, stupid question."
"Okay, Olivia, I know you don't want to do this, I can only imagine what you're going through right now." Grace sat up straight in her chair allowing her arms to fall onto the table.
"Okay, Grace." Olivia couldn't stand the sympathetic tone Grace was spewing out all over her. "What is it you want me to say?"
Grace decided to go with the route Olivia set. "I want you to tell me why you chose to shoot Mr. Morris instead of simply restraining him."
Olivia lowered her eyes back down to the table, once again fixing her stare on her own hands. "I should've cuffed him, but…" Olivia's voice trailed off.
"But what?"
"But I didn't." Olivia let her eyes leave her hands and search the room for nothing in particular.
Grace studied Olivia carefully before continuing. She was not surprised to see Olivia's moods and thoughts to be all over the place. "How long have you been with the Special Victim's Unit?"
"Over twelve years." Olivia was relieved for the easy questions.
"That's considerably longer than most." Grace paused waiting for a reaction that didn't come. "I know you've seen a lot in your long career, Olivia."
Olivia now focused on the soft spoken woman in front of her. She knew exactly what Grace was trying to do for her. She just didn't want to go there, didn't want to deal with the reality that was now her life. Olivia rubbed her temples with her fingers, only then remembering the bruising on her face. She flinched and dropped her hands when she felt the pain the simple gesture caused.
Olivia watched as Grace remained silent, but she could her the other woman thinking. "He hit me with a gun. My gun actually, I think." Olivia answered a question whether Grace asked it or not. She wished the shrink would stop analyzing her every move.
Grace nodded, encouraging Olivia to continue. "I'm sure you've read everything there is about me, so nothing I tell you will be a surprise."
"I've read everything there is about this case. The reports, statements and what not." Olivia wished Grace would just talk to her instead. There was something about the slightly younger woman's voice that was soothing.
The silence was almost deafening until Grace spoke again. "Olivia, you can trust me. I was brought in by Trevor Langan to help you and that is what I intend to do."
"Not sure if I can trust Langan." Olivia's words were mumbled.
"Alex Cabot does. She is the one who persuaded him to take the case." Olivia looked up at Grace at the mention of Alex's name.
"I understand you are very close with Ms. Cabot?" Thank God, easy questions again.
Olivia nodded. "We've worked together for a long time."
"Excellent prosecutor. Trevor is an excellent defense attorney, Alex made sure you got the best available." Grace knew she had to gain Olivia's trust before she would open up completely.
Olivia shifted in her chair, trying to hide the pain that surged through her body at the movement. No such luck, Grace was entirely too focused. Olivia could read the sympathy in her eyes and it comforted and enraged her at the same time. A neutralizing combination that left Olivia feeling defeated and lost.
"I couldn't stand the thought of living like my mother." The seemingly abstract comment got Grace's attention, although didn't surprise her in the least. Olivia watched Grace carefully to judge her reaction, and when there wasn't one she continued.
"That's why I shot him. He was unconscious when I shot him. I had the cuffs in my hand, I should've cuffed him, but I didn't. I didn't want him in my head, or in my world after this."
"Tell me about your mother, Olivia." Grace knew she could spend as much time as necessary with Olivia today, so nothing was rushed.
"Has nothing to do with this case. I shot an unconscious man in the head. I'm going to prison despite anything you or Trevor can do. I appreciate you trying, Ms. Mills, but I knew this would happen when I made my decision to shoot him." Olivia stood to signify she was done, only to quickly return to her chair due to her legs feeling too weak to hold her.
Grace hadn't moved or even changed her expression while Olivia spoke. "Your mother was raped?"
Olivia's eyes shot up to meet Grace's instantly at her words. Grace then did react, but only slightly seeing the alarm in the detective's features. Olivia was angry, but not at Grace and that was obvious to them both.
Olivia nodded. "That's why I chose this unit. To understand her, to try to help her and others like her, to try to find my father." Olivia watched Grace as she once again didn't react to Olivia's words.
Olivia continued feeling a sense of safety here in the small room with Grace. "My mother used to tell me I was asking for trouble being in the SVU unit. I would get raped or worse chasing down those monsters. She always stopped short of telling me I was part monster. She never failed to remind me though with her actions."
"You're a product of your mother's rape." It wasn't a question, Grace was too intuitive and attentive to ask simple questions. It was a statement to allow Olivia to know that she was with her as she began her journey down that road.
Olivia nodded. "I was a constant reminder to my mother of her worst nightmare. I think she loved me, but was never really sure." Olivia's voiced trailed off before she shifted gears and spoke strongly. "I refuse to live like she did, worrying, wondering, remembering."
Grace silently watched Olivia as she struggled to control her emotions. "My mother was right. It finally caught up to me. I never thought this would happen to me, so I never worried about how I would deal with it."
"Because you're a cop. You never thought you would fall victim because of your training and experience." Another statement meant to confirm Grace was on board with Olivia.
Grace saw the tears begin to form in Olivia's eyes and despite her own training and experience was moved by the detective's pain. She wanted to help Olivia in the worst way, but knew Olivia had to be the one to help herself. Grace took in a deep breath, moving a bit closer hoping Olivia would continue.
"I fought him the whole time, but…but no matter how hard I tried he was stronger, bigger…angry." Olivia looked down at her hands again as she forced herself to stay as level as possible. "I physically fought, but I wished he would've killed me."
Grace's could feel Olivia's words, but remained professional in her approach. "Olivia, tell me what happened from the beginning."
Olivia wiped the few tears that escaped before holding her head with her hands for a few seconds. Grace watched Olivia force herself to move from victim to detective mode within seconds. She knew the behavior well. Grace had dealt with many officers in the past that had fallen victim to the battle they fought.
"I let my guard down. I didn't expect Richard to be at my apartment, I didn't see him until he was on me. I let my guard down, he took my gun from me then." Olivia looked up at Grace expecting to see judging in her expression, but was comforted by the look of understanding.
"I let my guard down. Good cops don't do that." Olivia jammed her finger into the table in front of her as to make a point. Her voice then softened as she spoke the words that she had been thinking since the attack.
"I let my guard down allowing him to hurt and then rape me. I am a Special Victims Unit detective that was raped in my own home. Good cops don't allow that."
"Olivia, this has nothing to do with your abilities to be a good cop. It is never the victim's fault, you know that, better than anyone."
Olivia appreciated Grace and knew the words she spoke were true. Knowing it and believing it were two different things and Olivia never felt that to be more true than now. Olivia softened her position then and looked Grace in the eyes. She took a deep breath to steady her nerves before she lowered her eyes from Grace's, back down to her hands.
Grace knew she had gained Olivia's full trust as the wounded detective and broken woman began to speak.