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Little Indians

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After she hasn't answered her door bell and her phone obviously is turned off (still... I've tried to call her about four or five times more without any answer) I had decided on driving here. I have still almost one hour of spare time and I need to see her. I've parked my car at the kerb in front of the now light blue house and kept sitting there for a little while. I've spotted her standing at the shed painting sweet funny pink pigs on it. She's in her dungarees again but the bib already is down. A part of me feels sorry that she doesn't need to strip for me again. She wears a proper T-shirt this time but it's quite warm again today. For a while I just watch her and remember the sweat running down her nape yesterday. I see how the muscles of her naked arm move while she lifts the brush. How she steps back for a better examination of her work. How she adds a bit here and a bit there and obviously chuckles. Her hair is in the messy ponytail I have come to love. Curls still escape her pins and now trying to put one of them back there she even spreads a bit of pink colour in it. I chuckle. She looks so carefree and I love it. I love her.

I have to tell her.

The sooner the better. The reason why I've come here returns into my mind. I have to give her the kiss we almost shared yesterday, I have to tell her I love her, I have to tell her that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And I hope she feels the same. In fact I'm quite sure she feels the same for me. I'm presumingly, priggishly sure that she loves me too. Her eyes have told me yesterday. All her defensive walls had been down and she was offering the truth. She has been offering her sensitive, vulnerable soul to me. I cherish that very much, given my history with women. The history Barbara knows almost everything of. But with Barbara it's different.

I swear to myself that I'll never disappoint her.

I get out of the car and go a few steps before I see her sipping some water. Her head is in her back and she displays her throat to me now that she's turned towards the street. I swallow like she does but I have distinctively different reasons. Stopping at the jamb of the still missing gate I lean against it and prolong the moment of watching her. Barbara opens her eyes and turns completely towards me. It's obvious that her thoughts are miles away. A small smile plays in the corner of her lips and I'd say she chuckles again. Has she seen me? Why is she just looking? For a brief second the thought of flowers flash through my mind again but it is dismissed as soon as it flew by. Why isn't she saying something?

I become nervous.

But I stay where I am and let her eyes wander across my body. She cocks her head and narrows her eyes a bit while she eyes me up and down. A penny for your thoughts, my dear Barbara. Are you satisfied with what you see? When she finally licks her lips like she had yesterday my mind already jumps forward, pulls her into an embrace and kisses her. But my body stays where it is. Another part of my brain still isn't so sure about how she'd react. As I can tell by her expression that has turned into a question I must have looked odd, or at least quizzical. Weird. In love. Deeply, madly, head over heels and seriously so.

I pour my heart out to her but I don't say any words.

She grins. I grin in return and hope her grin would be her answer for that unsaid question. And then I'm finally brave enough (and finally trust my voice) and speak.

"Hiya!"

I still stay where I am and revel in the looks she gives me. I am so overpowered by my love for her that my stupid grin turns into a wide but tender smile. I'm so serious and I long to prove it. Her eyes still are locked with mine. After a while she blushes and her eyes went wide as if she has realised something she hasn't expected. To me it appeared as if she hasn't been aware that she's staring at me, as if she hasn't been aware that it is me in reality, standing here, waiting for an invitation I actually don't really need.

"Hi!" she says. Her grin hasn't vanished and this gives me the sign that I'm welcome.

"You've turned your mobile off." Ah, shit. That sounds too reproachful. But fortunately her face only turns more quizzical and she gets her mobile out of the huge pocket of her dungarees.

"No." she says frowning. "I've turned the mode into... ah, shit! Flight mode..."

The expression on her face turns sad. At least four missed calls and two text messages, I think and hope she would read them later. I'm not here to communicate via phone. Not at all, so I finally come into gear and move forward.

"Sorry." she murmurs putting her phone back. Her shoulders slump and I take another two long strides. Who cares for missed phone calls? I'm here now and I want to take her in my arms. I want to kiss her. I have to kiss her now. Bloody hell, I've waited long enough!

Then I quickly jump backwards and out of the way of a little roaring whirlwind. A tiny boy runs between us. Daniel's got a colourful headband with a feather on and howls like an Indian on his warpath. Janet, wearing an even bigger headdress, follows, catches him and beats him with a squeaking tomahawk. Lifting my head I look into Barbara's mildly shocked but not overly frustrated face. A grin appears. Then a fight starts. Danny accuses his sister to be playing foul because. And she shouts back at him that he shouldn't have stopped here. I look at Barbara who's suppressing a laugh at my helpless expression but before I am able to kneel down to the siblings to try and get them apart and talk it over rationally (what a stupid idea) a voice from inside was heard.

"Kids! Come here!" Jenna shouts. "I've got cookies and juice and you'll leave them both alone!"

Has she watched us? I blush while the happy kids disappear inside.

Barbara turns away from me. "Come, Tommy, you've got to see what we've painted at the other wall of the shed."

The sizzle of the previous moment is gone but I'm not giving up hope.

"Barbara, wait!" Grabbing her elbow I stop her. "Wait! I'm not here to see a shed's wall."

She turns and I can sense a certain fear. Her eyes dart to the house and to the floor, then to my lips and my eyes, then to the house again and back to my eyes. All my own worries are washed away in an instant when I manage to fix her eyes on mine and I believe hers are too. It's clear that she won't object if I kiss her now. I'm pretty sure. But it's also obvious that she still feels watched and that she also doesn't know what to do next. I have to reassure her. And I really don't mind if anybody witnesses us.

She's called me by my name as if she never have called me anything else. I get another little bit closer. Finally her face turns softer and expectant and I see her licking her lips again. She breathes with open mouth and I stop it completely. I just want to feel her. In my arms, on my lips, through my lungs. I want her fingers in my hair and her feet going onto tiptoes. Right now I know for sure that my voice would be hoarse if I speak. But I don't need much volume. Barbara is close enough I could just whisper.

"I'm here to see you, Barbara!"

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