I wish you all a wonderful start into the new year. May it be full of love, happiness and good health.
Thank you, Cokie! You did an amazing job on this one.
All Clear - Chapter 10
"And can I ask what your decision is?" Anson asked after a short pause.
Steve took a deep breath and then looked at the doctor. "I'm going to quit Five-0, but I'm also not going back to active duty."
"What? I thought the decision was between Five-0 and the Navy?" The psychiatrist asked in confusion. This was news to him; Steve had never mentioned a third option.
"Not anymore," Steve explained. "Look, I can't be sure what I've really forgotten. I think the memory loss is not as selective as I first thought. I also have small gaps from before I came back to Hawaii. What if I forgot something really important? I can't risk going back to being a SEAL on a mission while having memory loss. That would be irresponsible." They won't let me back into the field anyway, Steve thought, but kept that little piece of information to himself.
"That is why you want to give up on your career? But why leave Five-0?"
"I came to the conclusion that it would be best to start completely new, a different location, a different job. Everything I would encounter then would be new."
"What about your girlfriend?" Anson asked the important question.
"I want to ask Catherine if she would come with me. I will even let her chose where to go," Steve told his therapist.
Anson raised his eyebrow at that. "What if she doesn't want to leave?"
If Steve was honest he didn't have an answer for that scenario. He just hoped she would be willing to go with him. "I don't know," Steve softly said.
"And what have you planned on doing? I mean for work?"
"I have a few offers on the table," Steve told him about the opportunities. "San Diego seems a nice alternative to Hawaii," he added.
"I'm sure there are a few very nice places to work, but frankly I don't quite understand the need to move away from here. You have a lot of friends here. Really good friends, they are like family—"
"Not to me, they're not," Steve interrupted. "Look, I know we were really close, but that changed the day I was knocked out. I… I wish it was different, but I…"
"I wouldn't have pegged you for a coward," Anson bluntly said.
"What?"
"You heard me. I think you are running from your feelings, Commander," Anson continued. "I think you're developing a strong bond with Detective Williams, his daughter and with Chin. And that scares and confuses you."
"Why would I be scared of that?" Steve blurted out. "That's ridiculous."
"Is it?"
"Yeah."
"Let me go out on a limb here and say that you had a friend like Williams and you lost him?" Not receiving an answer he continued. "I think the level of trust you have already put into Williams confuses you, and the prospect of having such deep feelings for both he and his daughter scares you."
"That doesn't make any sense," Steve stubbornly said.
"I think it makes perfect sense, and according to your face, that is exactly the reason why you want to leave."
Steve only stared at Anson and wondered if his words were true. He sighed heavily then finally admitted, "I feel like I'm endangering them all with the holes in my memory. What if I forgot something really important, and make decisions without having all the facts?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know," Steve said exasperated.
"Uh huh. Want to know what I think?"
"You're telling me regardless," Steve grumbled.
Anson smiled at his patient's mood. "I think these are just excuses to not let them into your life. Steve, open up. Just let it happen. Make them part of your life again. They were a huge part, and now they are missing it, and you are, too."
"They don't accept who I am," Steve said with a low voice. "They reject this new me. They want the old Steve back, but I can't give them that," Steve told Anson sadly.
"I know they have put a lot of pressure on you. If you want I could talk to them about it. Think about it," Anson offered his help. "But, Steve, please don't forget they don't mean any harm, and they aren't rejecting you. They just wish you could remember all the good things that have happened to you since you've been back."
"Lots of bad stuff also happened. At least according to the files I've read."
"Yeah, but the good personal stuff is not in any files. And that is what their regret is about and they want you to have it back," Anson explained.
"What if I never remember any more than I do now?"
"They will learn to accept it, just like you have learned to live with it," Anson assured Steve.
"You think they will accept me, even if I can't remember them?" Steve asked in hope.
"Yes. I have no doubt. In fact, I believe they already have. Steve, they also need time to accept the new situation. It's hard for them to see you in such emotional pain and confusion. They only want to help. Not always in the best way, but they mean well."
Steve snorted at that. "Their 'helping' is pretty overwhelming," he admitted.
"I know," Anson said with laughter in his voice. "Handling Williams is not always easy."
"You have no idea," Steve said with a smile that turned into a frown when the room suddenly tilted. "Sorry… I don't... suddenly feel so good,"" he said and worried when his vision grayed at the edges. "Somethin's not right," Steve mumbled and closed his eyes against the onslaught of pain. It assaulted him with an intensity he hadn't experienced before.
"Steve? Steve, what's wrong?" Anson had stood up and leaned over the man on the bed, who had turned as white as a sheet.
"Don't know… head hurts bad… dizzy... some's wrong," Steve slurred and felt his consciousness slipping. He tried to grasp the voice that was still talking, but failed. A few seconds later he lost the battle to stay conscious.
H50 - H50 - H50
"Dr. Anson, what happened?" Dr. Steve Kiley asked as he entered Steve's hospital room after he had been called by one of the nurses.
"We were talking and he suddenly lost all color, complained about severe pain, his speech was slurred and a moment later he passed out. I couldn't rouse him again," Anson explained and made room for the neurosurgeon.
Kiley ignored Williams and Catherine who had followed him in worry when the nurse had called him. He leaned over his patient and tried to wake him. "McGarrett, can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me," Kiley said and grabbed Steve left hand.
Kiley waited a moment but nothing happened, Steve stayed unresponsive. Next Kiley tested Steve's response to pain stimuli, but also without any luck. Lastly he checked his pupils.
All the tests didn't take any longer than thirty seconds until Kiley decided on the next course of action. "Get him up to the MRI right now, and prepare an OR," the doctor said and at the same time went to the wall phone and called the specialist to meet him at the MRI.
"Dr. Kiley, what happened? What's wrong with Steve?" Catherine called out but was ignored when they all looked back at Steve.
"Shit," Kiley called out and went back to attend to his now seizing patient. "Forget the MRI, we need to get him to the OR STAT."
Cath and Danny watched in growing horror while their friend was in the middle of a violent seizure. They could only stay back and watch the professionals help Steve. Drugs were administered and shortly after Steve stopped seizing, but that brought on even more activity and, in their eyes, frantic chaos.
"He's not breathing... intubate now... alright... get him up," Kiley called and helped transfer Steve to the gurney next to his bed.
A nurse was bagging air into his lungs, while another readied him for transport.
"Dr. Kiley! Please!" Catherine again tried her luck watching Steve disappear down the hallway.
"Go to the ICU waiting room, I'll meet you there as soon as I know more," Kiley said and hurried out of the room. Leaving behind two disturbed people standing in an empty room.
One minute their best friend had been fine and the next he wasn't even breathing on his own. They slowly made their way out of the room to go to the ICU as they were told. To wait for word on their obviously critically ill friend and partner.
H50 - H50 - H50
"I don't understand this. How could this have happened?" Catherine asked and was understandably beside herself.
"I assure you we did all we could to prevent this," Dr. Kiley started to say.
"Oh yeah?" Danny interrupted him. "Our friend is in a coma because he has been bleeding in his brain for the last week! How the hell could you miss that?" Danny yelled at the neurosurgeon.
"The commander has something that is called chronic subdural hematoma," Dr. Kiley explained and chose to not to comment on Danny's outburst. "That can happen days, or even weeks after the initial injury. Steve had a tiny bleed that was not detectable on the MRI or CT. Even the TCD didn't show anything out of the norm."
"What's a TCD?" Cath wanted to know.
"It's a non-invasive procedure used to measure the intracranial pressure. It has been well in the normal range during the last week," Kiley told her. "During the emergency surgery we drilled a tiny hole into his skull and inserted a catheter that is used to measure the intracranial pressure. And it was used to drain the blood out."
"Why didn't you do that in the first place?"
"There had been no reason to do this invasive procedure, Detective. It's a risky operation, but now it has saved his life," Kiley further explained what they had done in the OR. "It is unfortunate, but with a serious traumatic brain injury like McGarrett had suffered two months ago along with the reinjury just a week ago, he was at a high risk for this to happen."
"But he was fine," Danny said. "He was running around and had no problems, well, except his memory, but..."
"McGarrett appeared to be fine, yes. But that doesn't mean anything with an injury like this." Kiley tried to explain. "I told you in the beginning that complications could always arise at a later date. McGarrett's TBI is serious, and it can cause any kind of damage. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it is not looking good at the moment."
Both Danny and Cath turned to look through the glass wall that separated them from their friend. From their unconscious friend who was again in the ICU after he had passed out five hours ago. They were both concerned to see Steve on a ventilator and with many tubes and cables attached to him. They could clearly see that a patch of hair had been shaved and the tube coming out of his skull, only covered with a bit of gauze.
"Why is he in a neck brace?" Danny asked after seeing the immobilizing device.
"To minimize the head-movement. It is very important to keep the head as still as possible."
"We thought he was getting better," Cath softly said. "He felt good and was hoping to be cleared for full duty soon… but that was before he was hit again."
"I know," Kiley said. "And he was doing rather well. He still had some cognitive problems." Seeing the surprise on Steve's friends' faces he paused for a moment.
"Cognitive problems? Steve seemed normal to me," Danny said.
"McGarrett had complained to Dr. Anson and to me that his brain felt 'wrong', that it was not working at the speed he was used to. He said he had problems grasping complex coherencies; he said he needed more time to 'see the big picture' as he called it," Kiley explained. "He also said he struggled to understand Mandarin, which he spoke fluently before the hit. He complained that he had trouble focusing on just one task, his thoughts often wandered. And he said his handwriting looked different and also felt kind of wrong."
"That's true, his handwriting has been a bit sloppy since he's been back at the office," Danny provided.
"Yes, but most of all it bothered him that he took most of what was said at face value. He really struggled with your, what he had now learned was your 'normal' banter. He felt like he was constantly being attacked by you," Kiley told Danny in the hope to make them understand their friend better. "It is perfectly normal for a person with such a serious TBI to feel vulnerable and not behave like they used to."
"Why didn't he say anything?" Danny wanted to know.
"He didn't realize it was your normal behavior and that he had enjoyed it before. He told me that watching the talk show made him realize how very different he had become."
"But he's still Steve," Danny said.
"I have the feeling you didn't convey that very well to him. Your efforts to make him remember only fueled his feelings of being rejected," Kiley explained further. "This emotional stress added to his condition."
"We didn't mean for him to feel like that," Cath softly said.
"NO, don't even go there. It is not your fault in any way. You all behaved and reacted to his injury in a completely normal way. Just like Steve is reacting in total normal parameters."
"Parameters?" Danny asked.
"Yes. Of course, every injury is different, just like every patient is different. But there are certain traits we find in every TBI victim," Kiley tried to explain it in simple terms. "Steve acts very well within those parameters. His behavior is nothing out of the ordinary. You must understand, a brain injury like Steve suffered throws the victim for a loop. Nothing is like it was before. Everything seems new and strange to them. Many have to learn simple things completely anew. Steve was lucky only to have to struggle with very mild effects from his injury."
"Mild effects? You've got to be kidding me," Danny called out.
"Danny, believe me, his memory loss and mild cognitive impairment is no big deal in the scheme of things." Kiley had to smile at the little outburst. "Such a hard hit to the head like Steve received is generally either fatal or leaves the victim with severe brain damage. That Steve didn't suffer a massive bleed or swelling two months ago is a miracle in itself. That he survived is a miracle, you always have to remember how incredibly lucky he had been."
"And now his luck has run out?" Cath had to ask.
"I can't give you an answer to that at this point. We have to wait and see. The rise in pressure is under control at the moment. What kind of damage he has suffered cannot be determined immediately; we have to wait until he wakes up. It can range from nothing to massive brain damage." Kiley explained.
"When will he wake up?"
Kiley looked at Danny and shook his head. "I don't know. I'm sorry, but I can't say when he will wake up..." he paused, then added quietly, "or if."
H50 - H50 - H50
It wasn't even five in the morning when Cath received the call from the hospital requesting that she come there immediately. She was up and grabbling clothes before the call was finished. As soon as she had hung up, she had called Danny, and now at five-thirty-five they again stood in the ICU waiting for Dr. Kiley.
"Did they say what was going on?" Danny asked as he tried to take a look into Steve's cubicle. But the vertical blinds were closed and they couldn't see anything.
"No. Only that I should come here right away," Cath answered nervously and also looked around.
They had been asked to wait at the nurses' station, and that Dr. Kiley would be with them in a moment. They could see that there was no hectic activity around any of the ICU beds, so they took that as a good sign. Danny had tried asking the night nurse why they were called but she had shook her head and told them they must wait for the doctor to come see them.
"Maybe Steve woke up?" Danny tried his luck again.
"I don't know, Danny. Maybe, but Kiley told us it was unlikely that he would wake up so shortly after the surgery. It hasn't even been twelve hours," Cath said. "Why didn't he let us stay anyway? I mean, why not let us stay with Steve? What harm would that do?" Cath was still upset about being told they couldn't stay in the ICU with Steve.
"It's their policy," Danny grumbled. He wasn't any happier about it than Cath.
"Policy my ass," Cath said and regretted it when a nurse looked up from her place behind the desk. "Sorry," she added and breathed a sigh of relief when the nurse smiled at her. She was probably used to worried and pissed off family members.
Before Danny could add anything, Drs. Kiley and Nelson came their way.
"Catherine, Danny, thank you for coming so quickly. This is Dr. Nelson, he's our specialist for cases like Steve's," Dr. Kiley introduced Ben Nelson. "I had consulted with Dr. Nelson earlier and would like to keep him involved in Steve's care."
"Of course," Cath answered and shook the offered hand. "How is Steve? Has there been any change?"
"Yes, surprisingly, we think he is waking up. We hope that familiar voices might help him along," Nelson said and motioned for Danny and Cath to follow him.
They cautiously entered the cubicle in which Steve still lay since his operation. The biggest change was that he was not on a ventilator. But the neck brace was still in place.
"He started spontaneous breathing two hours ago," Kiley explained the lack of the machine that had breathed for Steve for over ten hours.
"That's a good sign, right?" Danny asked and stepped closer to the bed and almost jumped out of his skin when he looked at his friend.
Danny smiled at his partner. Steve's eyes were open and his gaze was directed at him. "Steve? Hey, Buddy, how're you feeling?" Danny asked, but there was no response. Taking a closer look, Danny could see that Steve's gaze was completely unfocused and empty. A horrible thought immediately popped into his head… something he and his brother had joked about back when they had been young and very dumb… "the lights are on, but no one is home."
H50 - H50 - H50
Everyone who knows my stories knew this was coming. I wouldn't let Steve get away from such a serious injury without any repercussions. Sorry, but that's just not happening in real life. No matter how much everyone wants the old Steve back, I think those chances are not looking too good. Or might this happening be a good thing in some twisted kind of way? You never know with a TBI, everything is possible. But remember, I don't write miracle stories.
See you next year, and with a bit of luck the next chapter might have some Steve in it. Or not. LOL
Thank you all so much for reading and sticking with this one-shot. ;-)
Again, big thanks to Cokie. I mean, it's her fault this story is getting so long, the least she can do is work toward her wish for Steve. Yeah, she still believes in miracles. Can you believe it? Knowing me for so long, and still not giving up hope. Man, I admire her. :-)