Hello guys! Here's the tenth chapter of this story! This is a pretty harsh and introspective part, focusing on how Emma is feeling following the events of the last chapter, because I felt like it was important to get through this for the rest of this story. Also, there's a big reference to Game of Thrones in this part of the fiction, because I was watching the show while writing this haha. I hope that you'll like it !
"Mom!"
Henry's scream didn't even manage to make her come back to reality. She was like in a trance. She just couldn't think anymore, her brain was frozen, her legs were shaking. She'd killed someone, without realizing what she was doing, because she'd been so scared of losing the people she loved. But he was dead. Because of her. She'd taken a life. How could have she done such a thing?
Her son threw himself in her arms, but she didn't hug him back. She was feeling like a stranger in her own mind, not believing that she'd actually murdered someone. It had to be a mistake, she would never do something like that. A nightmare, it was a nightmare. It was the only explanation, because she wasn't a murderer. A thief, an orphan, but not a murderer.
But the thoughts that were running through her mind were so vivid. You're a monster, the little voice at the back of her head was saying, and it didn't feel like a dream. Everything was spinning, her head was hurting, and the way Henry was gripping her waist, as if he were scared that she would disappear, was feeling too real for it to be a dream. She just couldn't do anything anymore. She was lost, completely lost, and was feeling like she was going to implode. It was too much.
Her little boy was too scared to notice the state she was in right away. If he was a perceptive kid, he was sobbing too hard right now to really see what was happening. He was just a child, who'd been terrified of losing the people that he loved, his parents. Stuttering, panting, he said :
"I know you told me to stay in my room, Mom, and I went, but I couldn't stay there. I was hearing you fight, and I came back to see if I could do something to help you. I saw everything, I was so scared that something would happen to you. I'm sorry, I really am, but… these men… Are they dead?"
His words made their way through her troubled mind and hit her like a punch in the stomach. Dead, that sheriff really was dead, and it was all because of her. It hadn't been a dream. She'd killed someone, someone who probably had a family to feed, friends to love, an entire life in front of him. The life she'd stolen from him, like she'd stolen this damn bracelet. He was just doing his job, and if trying to kill Killian hadn't been the right way for him to deal with the situation, she was the one who'd been wrong in the first place. She was a criminal.
Not only a thief anymore. Also a murderer.
The reality of what had happened suddenly hit her, as the last hope that it was all a dream was shattering before her eyes. Her legs were still shaking, so hard that they weren't able to support her weight anymore. She collapsed as the adrenaline was disappearing from her veins, and her knees hit the deck in an awful noise that rang in her ears.
Surprised by this unexpected event, Henry let go of a gasp of fear, trying but failing to hold her up so she wouldn't fall. She was breathing so fast the air wasn't reaching her lungs anymore. Desperate, she wanted to sink her head into her hands, but stopped as a sob was escaping from her lips. Her fingers were sticky, covered in a red liquid that made her whimper. Blood. The blood of the man she'd killed.
Killian was busy sailing the ship, but the noises of her fall alarmed him, and he turned to see her collapsed there on the floor, Henry calling her without getting any answer. She vaguely saw her boyfriend's eyes grow wide with fear, but she couldn't be sure of it. Everything seemed distorted, her son's voice, Killian's face, the world in general. She couldn't tell what was real from what wasn't anymore.
Seeing that she wasn't responding, Killian called for their son to approach him. Henry reluctantly pulled away from her to run into his adoptive father's arms, and in a voice that he wanted steady, the latter said :
"We'll explain what happened later, lad. For now, I'm going to make sure that your mum is all right, aye? I taught you how to sail and I know you're really good at it. So I'm trusting you with taking the helm for a little while. If you have any doubt on what to do, don't hesitate to call me. I'll stay right beside you the all time, okay?"
Henry nodded, tears rolling down his cheeks in silence, and Killian dropped a kiss to the top of his head as he was approaching the helm without protesting. Trusting the safety of the Jolly Roger with a ten-year-old was a bit risky, but Henry was good at sailing, and they didn't have a choice anyway. They had to get out of this cursed place and they couldn't stop, but Killian also had to make sure that she was okay. Which she wasn't. Because nothing was right anymore.
"Emma? Darling, can you hear me?"
She hadn't even noticed that Killian had approached her to kneel on the floor and face her. Her mind had gone blank for a second, and when she looked up, she saw her boyfriend with his hand and hook on her shoulders, trying to get a reaction out of her. His voice was trembling with terror and worry, her behavior was horrifying to him, but she couldn't do anything to reassure him. She was feeling like nothing could reach her anymore. She was scared of herself, and was still processing what had just happened.
It'd all happened so damn fast.
Killian finally gave up on trying to make her say something, because he could guess that she was too shocked to do so. She could see tears rolling down his cheeks, but couldn't even reach to wipe them away. Knowing there was nothing else to do, he then pulled her close to him and wrapped his strong arms around her shaking figure, dropping a kiss to her temple.
His familiar touch and the smell of his leather coat finally allowed her to think a bit more clearly again. She found herself able to move, and she grabbed the back of his jacket as burning tears were escaping from her eyes and wetting his clothes. Face buried in his neck, she cried and cried, not knowing if she would be able to stop one day, not knowing if she could continue to live.
Killian didn't say a thing. He just held her and stroked her hair, caressed her back, kissed her cheek. She was sobbing so hard she couldn't breathe. Everything had crumbled. Nothing would ever be the same. In their pursuit to happiness, she'd taken someone's life. And it would never leave her. Because she was a terrible, awful person.
These were the first words that came out of her mouth when she finally found herself able to speak.
"I killed him." She whispered in a raspy voice. "I'm a monster."
"Emma, don't say that." He protested, his voice broken by her statement. "You're not a monster. It was just self-defense."
"Was it?" She said, pulling away from him to look at him in the eyes. He was crying too, tears wetting his gorgeous face and reddening his eyes. "Because it isn't true, I was wrong. He was just doing his job, and I could have knocked him out, instead of... I didn't think. And I… I..."
"Emma, I know how you feel." he said, cupping her cheek, trying to comfort her the best he could. "But without you, I'd be dead. You saved me. You saved Henry. You just wanted to protect us. You're not a monster. You're the most amazing, perfect woman I know."
He took her back against his chest, and she buried her face in his neck to breathe him in. She was feeling safe in his arms, loved, she was feeling like she wasn't such a bad person after all if such a wonderful man could love her. But his words didn't manage to erase the guilt that was choking her.
Nothing probably ever would.
She still knew that he was right about one thing. Without her intervention, he would have died. She hadn't thought about what she was doing, maybe she could have found a way to save Killian from the sheriff without taking his life, but she hadn't had the time to do so. The only thought that had crossed her mind was that she had to save her boyfriend and her son, because they were her entire world and, without them, the universe would stop. She'd protected those she loved, fiercely, because she couldn't even think about losing them. She'd done what she needed to, to save them.
But it still didn't make things right. Despite those reassuring thoughts, this certitude that, without her, Killian would have died, she still hated herself. She had never wanted to hurt anyone. But now she'd killed someone, and it would stay with her for the rest of her life. The face of the sheriff would haunt her dreams at night, and she deserved it, she thought, because she needed to be punished for what she'd done.
After a long, long while, her sobs started to get weaker, not because she was feeling any better, but because she didn't have enough strengths left to to keep on crying. She just wanted to curl up under her blankets and sleep for the rest of eternity, but she was aware that she couldn't do that. She had a family, and she had to be there for them. Especially now that they were on the run.
Seeing that she was settling down a bit, Killian pulled away once again to look at her. A deep frown appeared on his face when his eyes finally met the wound that the guard had traced on her skin during their fight, heavily bleeding on her arm. The adrenaline had kept the pain away, and she hadn't noticed that the cut was that deep until now.
Killian leaned to gently place his fingers on her arm, trying to see what he could do to stop the bleeding. She barely saw him. All she could think about was what the hell they could do next, now that she was a murderer, now that she hated herself, now that they were wanted for thefts and murder. Killian kept on staring at her wound as she was feeling her heart starting to pound faster again, because she didn't know if they could ever have a future. Finally, he started to talk, but she barely heard him.
"You need stitches, love."
She didn't pay attention to his words, looking somewhere above his shoulder, eyes lost in the blue immensity of the ocean. What was going to happen to them next? Would they be forced to run for the rest of their lives? "What are we gonna do, now?" She whimpered then. "I'm scared that selling the bracelet is too risky, now that everyone is looking for us. We're not even safe at the Dome, maybe the rumor of what I've done will get there. I don't want us to have gone through this for nothing. It's not possible!"
"Emma, breathe." Killian said, in an almost pleading voice. "We'll talk about this later, okay? We'll decide what to do. We have enough food to survive the journey, we're safe for now. But let me take care of you. I'm scared that your wound will get infected if we do nothing. We'll talk later, I promise, but first I have to take a look at this." Seeing that she wasn't answering, he added in a whisper. "Please, Swan. I don't want something to happen to you."
The concern shinning in his eyes drew Emma away from her dark thoughts. He was looking so scared that something bad would happen to her, and she just nodded slowly, showing him that she was accepting his help. She knew that he was right. Her wound was bad and she had to take care of it, even if, somehow, she wanted to punish herself for what she'd done. But she couldn't. Because she had a family and people to protect, and she couldn't let herself die out of guilt.
She saw a very small, relieved smile appear on Killian's face, and he kissed her forehead in a quiet thank you for letting him take good care of her. He briefly walked away to go fetch a needle and thread and be able to stitch her up, and she watched him go, not really knowing what she was feeling.
While he was gone, she looked around her as if she were seeing her surroundings for the first time. Still kneeling on the floor, her eyes met Henry, standing at the helm and looking so focused. He was sailing like the expert he would become one day, thanks to his father's lessons. But as he was careful to take them to safety, she could see that he was still glancing at her out of the corner of his eyes, as if to make sure that she was all right.
It's the expression her son was displaying that made her completely come back to reality. She had to be strong, for him. Because she wanted him to stay a child while he still could, and he couldn't worry about her. And Killian was right. If she'd done what she'd done, it was only because she loved them more than anything in the world. It was wrong and she was ashamed, but at least her son and boyfriend were both safe. She'd killed for them, and she would have died for them in a heartbeat. Because they were her world.
So she forced herself to hide this guilt that was devouring her from the inside, because her little boy needed her. She angrily wiped off the tears that were still rolling down her cheeks, and managed to stand up straight. It was too late, anyway. She couldn't change anything, she couldn't go back in time. She had to learn how to live with what she'd done. It was in the past now, and if her guilt would stay with her for the rest of her life, she had to keep on living.
For now, they had to focus on what they could do. They had to find a plan, figure out how they would be able to live while being on the run. It was all they had left, their last chance, and she wouldn't throw it away.
Faltering a bit because her legs still felt so weak, she walked to her son, who glanced at her with concern shinning deep in his eyes. He seemed so worried of what was going to happen, and she forced herself to give him a gentle smile. Placing a hand on his shoulder, she said in a bit shaky voice :
"Let me, kid. I'll do it."
He took a step back without saying a thing at first, but she could see that he was thinking deeply about the situation. She squeezed the helm so hard her knuckles turned white, but it actually helped her to stay steady and strong for her son. The little boy stared at her for a few seconds, then he finally moved, as if he'd just taken a decision. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and held her very close without saying a word, as if trying to reassure her.
She felt comforted by his embrace, but it only lasted a second. He still loved her, unconditionally, but she felt her heart tightening at the thought that she was setting the worst example for him. Getting fired because she'd punched her boss's son, stealing, and now killing someone. She hadn't meant to hurt anyone, but she was feeling like she was the worst mother on the planet. This little boy was wonderful, he deserved everything the world had to offer, and she was feeling unable to give him the future that he really deserved.
Tears had appeared in her eyes again when Henry started to talk in a small voice, in which every single one of his worries were audible. His arms still tightly locked around her, he said :
"You don't have to feel guilty, Mom, you know. It was an accident, you didn't do it on purpose. I saw everything, I know you didn't have the time to do anything else. That guy would have killed Killian if you hadn't done something. And I don't want to live without Killian."
His comment made her smile through the tears she was trying to ignore. Looking at the blue immensity stretching in front of them, full of possibilities, she dropped a kiss to the top of his head and ran her fingers through his hair. He was right. She'd done something incredibly wrong for a good reason : protect those she loved. Sometimes, good people were doing bad things. Maybe she wasn't such a horrible person after all. Maybe she was just a good soul who'd done a terrible thing.
Killian came back a few seconds later, and threw Emma a questioning glance when he saw her standing there, while he'd left her collapsed on the floor. She just nodded at him to show him that he didn't have to worry about her. She would stay strong for their little boy. She could think about what she'd done later, she could wallow in her guilt and punish herself by thinking about this day where everything had crumbled. For now, she had to stand up and find a way to fix their situation. It was the only productive thing she could do.
Killian offered her a slight smile to show her that he'd got her thoughts without her having to say anything. He didn't comment on the situation, and asked Henry to take the helm again while he was taking care of her. Emma sat down on the steps of the ship, while Killian was kneeling in front of her. Really gently, he rolled up the sleeve of her dress to reach her skin more easily, and she noticed that, if it hadn't been painful before, the wound was starting to hurt quite badly.
With his usual dexterity, Killian prepared the needle for the stitches, and he looked up at her to warn that it was going to hurt. She was ready for the pain, thinking that it was all that she deserved after what she'd done, but the bite of the rum her boyfriend poured on the wound to disinfect it still made her startle. He gave her an apologetic glance and let her take a deep breath before finally starting the job.
He met her eyes again when the needle entered her flesh, as it to make sure that she was all right, but quickly looked back at the thread so he wouldn't lose his focus. Emma violently bit her tongue in order to hide her pain and not worry him too much, trying to convince herself that it would only take a few minutes. To try and escape the moment, she dived back into her thoughts, but carefully left the murder aside. She would deal with that later. Now, she had to find a plan to get away from this horrible, horrifying situation.
They weren't only just thieves anymore. She was a murderer, and everyone who knew who she was would want her locked up. She'd killed the sheriff, the man who everyone respected, the one who was supposed to keep them safe. That was bad, very bad. They would be doomed if someone found them. And they needed to hide, so nothing could break their family.
Selling the bracelet would be risky, but no one knew their faces on the other side of the world. They would surely find someone ready to pay a good amount of gold to get that jewel. So their only solution was to hide their true identities, because if Killian was famous because of his years as a pirate, her name would also be known by a lot of people after what she'd done. She had to keep her loved ones safe.
In a few hours, their portraits would be plastered on every tree of the village that had seen her grow up. Their names would probably be written on the posters too, since everyone knew them there. The only way for them to get out of this was to start anew. Completely. New names, new lives, and maybe they would be okay.
She needed to let Emma Swan go.
She didn't even notice that Killian had finished his task, too deep in her thoughts to feel the pain of the needle in her skin. It's only when he placed his hand on her wrist that she realized she wasn't aching anymore. She met his gaze, and he looked so worried her heart actually skipped a beat. She didn't want him to feel bad, she didn't want him to suffer, so she managed to give him a very small smile. Even if her try resembled more of a wince than an actual grin, she felt him relaxing a bit against her.
In a very soft voice, he started to talk. "Are you all right, love?"
She just shrugged, not wanting to lie to him. She wasn't okay, and pretending that she was wouldn't help them, because he knew the truth, he always knew. "We need a plan, Killian. Something to get us out of here."
"I know." he sighed, and he was looking so exhausted tears of worry appeared in her eyes.
"Look." She then said, meeting his gaze once again. "I know that this is risky, but we should still try to sell the bracelet when we'll get to the Dome. I can go myself, find a merchant or a traveler, someone who would be ready to buy this jewel. They don't know me there, and they'll probably just think that I'm an honest farmer trying to feed her family. We can still get the money to start anew." She was surprised by how assured she sounded, because she really wasn't. But seeing the man she loved so worried was making her want to fight for him. Her feelings would come after, and she would allow herself to cry later. Now, she had to protect her family.
He didn't answer right away, seeming to think about her words. "Swan, are you sure about this?" He finally asked. "After everything we've been through, should we play with fire like that?"
She felt her jaw clenching, her gaze hardened, and she grabbed the bracelet she'd put on her lap while Killian was stitching her up. It was shinning in the sunlight, still utterly perfect, as if what had happened had just been a bad dream. Holding it between two fingers, as if she were scared it would hurt her, she showed it to Killian. She guessed that he knew what she was going to say before she actually said it.
"I refuse for us to have gone through hell for nothing. I..." She stuttered, briefly closing her eyes, the words refusing to come out of her mouth, and a bit muffled when they did. "I refuse for this man to have lost his life so we end up changing our mind because it's dangerous. We're doing this. We don't have a choice anyway. It's this or we start starving and stealing again. I can't do that anymore."
Killian stared at her for a long time after her little speech, and seemed to understand that she wouldn't change her mind. He was scared too, terrified to lose anyone, but he also knew that she was right. They couldn't have done all of that for nothing. "All right, darling. I trust you."
He smiled softly at her, and took the bracelet from her hand to place it in the safety of his coat. When he looked back up at her, dozens of ideas were running through her mind concerning how they could do it to stay hidden from the people chasing them. Her brain was working so quickly, as if to stop her from thinking about what she'd done.
"We need to change our names too." She said, chewing on her bottom lip. "If I'm sure that our portraits won't reach the Dome, because it's just too far away, our names can get there before we do. You know how the rumors work, and they work fast. For our own safety, we have to hide our true identities." She waited for a second before telling her mind, a bit scared that she would hurt the man she loved with her words. "We also have to find you something else than the hook to wear. I know." She said when she saw a shadow crossing his features, because if he was ashamed of his past, the hook was also a big part of his life and getting rid of it would be horribly painful. "I understand, I really do. But if we want to start anew, we have to do it properly. People have to think that we're ordinary people. We have to kill Emma Swan and Killian Jones."
Her sentences were harsh, she knew it, and Killian frowned at the way her voice had hardened on the last few words. He took her hand, their fingers interlacing. He then looked down at his hook and said with a sigh, slowly nodding at her.
"You're absolutely right. I have a prosthetic in one of the cupboards somewhere. We don't have a choice."
She gave him half a smile to show him that she knew how painful this was to get rid of what was making them who they were, as if they'd never existed. Despite how ashamed they both were of their pasts, despite the pain and the heartbreaks, they were still them, and changing that would be hard. But they had to do it. And they were both ready to do anything to save their family.
Killian wrapped his left arm around her waist to calm her down, still holding her hand. He could guess how terrified she actually was behind this armor of assurance. God, he knew her so well.
He seemed to be wanting to add something, but their son's voice rang behind Emma's back, making them startle slightly. He'd obviously heard their conversation and he asked a bit shyly : "What about me?"
"What do you mean, kid?" She asked as he was staring at them, frowning and looking truly worried about their future.
"Do I have to change my name, too?" He said, biting his bottom lip, and Emma could see how painful this possibility would be for him. He was still so young, she just wanted to protect him.
"You'll only have to change your last name." She then decided. "Keep your first name. No one will know who you are at the Dome."
He nodded, looking vaguely relieved, and looked back at the ocean as he was still sailing the ship. Emma sighed and turned toward Killian to notice that he was still staring at her with worry. The scar on her arm had started to slightly hurt again. Her boyfriend stroked her back, then moved to drop a kiss on her forehead, as if to make sure that she was okay. He whispered to her ear, then:
"We'll be fine, now, love. I promise. I won't let anything happen to you. We'll get through this."
After one last glance, he stood up to free Henry from his responsibilities. They spent the entire day on deck, their son snuggled in her arms, the salty ocean air like a promise that, somehow, their future would be better.
During this entire time, images of the lifeless body laying on the ground of the harbor appeared like flashes in her mind, and she had to force herself not to start crying. Henry was in her arm, and her job was to reassure him. She would deal with her feelings later.
Later, she would cry.
Later, she would hate herself for what she'd done.
The room looked so dark at night
She'd never noticed it before. Even the flickering flames of the candles couldn't keep the darkness at bay, and she was feeling like she was drowning in it.
Or maybe it was just what she was feeling inside. Darkness. The light had disappeared when she'd stabbed this poor man.
Laying on the bed in the captain's quarter, Emma wasn't even feeling strong enough to cry. She'd tried and managed to stay strong during the entire day, standing up for Henry and for Killian, trying to smile, to talk as if everything was okay. As if everything hadn't just crumbled. As if she hadn't taken a life.
But now that she was alone, everything that she'd tried to keep hidden inside was catching up with her. Henry was in bed, sleeping, maybe peacefully for the first time in days. Killian was busy lowering the sails for the night, now that they were far enough at sea to be untraceable if anyone was searching for them. And she was there, with her thoughts, with the flashes of the murder and the darkness in her heart.
Maybe she was going insane.
She was feeling like such a terrible person, and all she could think about was that she should have stayed and let herself get locked up. She deserved it, for what she'd done. She deserved to be punished. And if she knew she'd saved the man she loved, she was feeling like she should have been rotting in a cell right now. She was a danger, for everyone around her. They'd been left without money because of her, they'd got caught because of her, and Killian had almost died because of her.
A little voice at the back of her head was yelling that she'd done the right thing by running away. Killian had told her that he couldn't lose her, Henry needed her. They loved her. She'd just wanted to be there for a family.
But this voice was getting smaller and smaller. She was probably a danger for all of them, after all. Maybe they would be better off without her, maybe the world would be safer without her presence. She just wanted to protect them, and maybe the best way to do so was to let herself get caught. She'd put them in this position, and they would be happier without her.
She was a murderer after all.
"Emma?"
She simply moved her head to look at Killian, who was now standing in the room. She was only half out of her awful thoughts, but guessed at the way he was watching her that it wasn't the first time he was saying her name. She hadn't heard him coming, but didn't say a thing. She just turned to watch the ceiling again. She wasn't sure she had the strength to do anything else anymore.
"What are you doing?" Killian then asked in a very soft voice, approaching her to sit on the edge of the bed. He was looking worried, and knew what was happening in her mind, obviously.
Her answer surprised her herself, but she said the first thing that came to her mind. "Do you think I'm a monster?"
He didn't answer right away, but she felt him stiffening beside her on the bed. He waited for her to finally meet his gaze, then took her hand to help her sit down next to him. She could see the tears that had appeared in his eyes at her question, and he wrapped his arm around her waist. His voice was full of pain when he finally answered.
"Emma, of course I don't think so, darling. I could never think something like that."
"But I've killed someone." She protested. Her voice sounded cold, as if her soul was not the same after what she'd done.
"And you've done so to save me." Killian said, his voice thick with sobs. "Neither Henry nor me will ever think that you're a monster. I've killed people in my past too, you know, I could never see you differently because of what happened. You chose to accept my past, and I'm accepting every single part of you. Bloody hell, Swan, you're the most amazing person I know. I love you, and..."
"Why?" She asked then, as if his last sentences hadn't even made their way to her.
"What do you mean?" He said, shaking his head in confusion.
"Why do you still love me after what I did?"
The sigh he let go of was horribly shaky, as if he were about to start crying. He held her just a little bit closer, and she finally allowed herself to rest her head against his chest. She wanted to punish herself, to break from his embrace because she didn't deserve his comfort, but she also needed to feel better. Needed to feel like she was still the woman she was before, that if she'd done a horrible thing, she could still be a good person, somehow.
"I will never stop loving you, do you hear me?" Killian said then, and she could hear the sobs stuck in his throat. "Emma, without you, I would be dead. You saved me, and I know, gods, I know how painful this situation is. I know you feel like a terrible person, but you're not. You just wanted to protect me. This event doesn't define who you are. Do not let that beautiful heart of yours get shattered by this. You're absolutely perfect, and I'm sorry you have to get through this. I'm so, so sorry."
She sighed against him, and wrapped her arms around him as well, feeling like the weight on her shoulders had got a bit less heavy at his words. At least, he still loved her, and maybe this would help her heal. Because her soul had been broken by the murder of this man, but perhaps, with the help of those she loved, she would manage to get back up. Killian was right. This wasn't defining who she was. She would be stronger than this.
She hoped that she would.
"This is all my fault." Killian continued then, and Emma frowned, feeling like she was suddenly coming back to reality and his statement worrying her beyond words.
"How so? It's not your fault, Killian."
"It is. If I had seen this man coming from behind me, like I should have, if I had heard him, if I had done something, you wouldn't have had to do this. It's my entire fault, and I'm sorry. I never wanted for you to have to go through this."
"If it's someone's fault, it's mine." She protested, looking up to see that he was now quietly crying. Seeing her in pain was killing him, and he just couldn't take it. "We've been forced to steal because I got fired. We've got caught because I couldn't control myself and panicked at the jewelry shop. And we're wanted because I've killed someone. It's all because of me. Not you. Never you. You're perfect." She said, gently wiping off the tears that were wetting his cheeks.
"I could tell the same thing to you, my beautiful lass." He whispered in a broken voice.
"I love you." She then stated, finding it so horrible that he could blame himself for what had happened, because it was all her fault.
"I love you, too. And you're perfect, Swan. Never, ever doubt that."
She didn't answer anything, but stayed in his arms, because it was soothing her and finally making her heart ache a little bit less. After a while, and without knowing how, she ended up falling asleep. She vaguely sensed Killian laying down with her on the bed and, her head still resting on his chest to hear his heartbeats, she dived into her dreams.
Dreams that turned into nightmares.
Suddenly, she was back at the harbor, fighting against the guards. The sheriff was there, and she wasn't in control of anything. She watched herself stab him once, then twice, then over and over again. There was blood, so much blood everything was red. People were yelling around her, telling her that she was a monster, a bad person, and that she didn't deserve to be alive, since she'd taken someone else's life. Monster, monster, monster.
She woke up with this word burning her lips and tears staining her cheeks.
Killian took her back against him in a matter of seconds. He'd obviously not fallen asleep yet, trying to make sure that she was going to be all right. But she wasn't, and she was feeling like she would never be again. Her heart was pounding and everything was aching, the worst of it being her soul. These people were right. She was a monster.
"Shh, love, I'm here." Killian whispered to her ear, gently rocking her against him. "Calm down, I've got you."
"I'm a horrible person." She sobbed in his arms, holding onto him for dear life. "Calvin always said that I was just a thief, and he was right. But now, I'm also a murderer. Eric told the truth all those years ago when he said that I would only bring unhappiness to the people around me. They both were right to hate me all along, they just saw right through me."
"Don't say that." Killian answered, sounding so pained by her words. "They were wrong, so wrong, because you're amazing, Emma. You really are. And everyone who thinks that you're not is wrong or doesn't know you. You're more important than anything, and you're making me happier than I've ever been in my life. Just having you by my side every day is a blessing. I love you, I love you so much. It's going to be all right. I promise."
She didn't fall back asleep that night, too afraid that these bad dreams would come back and make her fall deeper into that hole of distress she was in. But she just laid in Killian's arms and, eventually, his presence managed to calm her down.
She still knew that the face of the man she'd killed would haunt her nights, maybe forever.
She got up in the morning, feeling totally exhausted by her agitated night. But Killian was still there, watching over her, and seeing the black circles under his eyes, she knew he hadn't slept at all. It wasn't surprising, though. It was so like him, to stay awake to make sure that she was going to be okay. She didn't deserve him, she thought. But she was so, so happy to have him by her side.
As soon as Henry woke up, she forced herself to seem okay for him. Her son didn't need to see her crumble in addition to everything. He'd seen her kill someone. He'd been forced to move out of the only place he'd known for his entire life. He'd been hungry for weeks, and they didn't know what would happen to them in the future. She just wanted to protect him from getting even more hurt.
The day passed in an odd blur. She was still feeling so guilty, even if Killian's gentle kisses and embraces were making her feel a little bit better every time. He could see that she was feeling down, and was doing everything in his power to comfort her.
That evening, they found themselves laying in the bed of the captain's quarter. They were all exhausted and had decided to get to bed sooner, but they were unable to find sleep. Their son didn't seem willing to leave them even for a second, and he looked like he was about to start crying at any given moment. Emma was feeling incredibly bad to have made him so sad, because she just wanted him to be happy. She just hoped that, soon, she would be able to give him everything and more.
She was holding him against her, her breathing a bit uneven as she was once again trying to curb the guilt that was coming to her in violent and painful waves. She had to hide these emotions for her son, so she just held him a bit closer to show him that she was by his side, always, and that she wouldn't let him down.
She'd barely eaten since they'd left the harbor. The only reason why she'd forced herself to ingest something was because Killian had looked at her with eyes shinning with deep worry, and she'd just wanted to make him feel better. Her stomach was in knots, but it wasn't the only reason why she just couldn't eat normally. She was feeling like, somehow, she didn't deserve to keep on living while she'd taken this life. She wanted to punish herself, but she also knew that she couldn't. She had to keep on moving forward, even if it was horribly difficult. She had to do it for her family.
Killian had wrapped his arms around the both of them, holding them close against him. The air in the room was thick with fear and guilt, and it's Henry who broke that silence. As the gentle light of the moon was coming through the window and softly enlightening the place, he said in a small voice :
"I've thought about it, and I think I might have an idea for our new names."
Killian and Emma shared a glance, a bit surprised to hear their son offer something, but more than ready to listen to him. Maybe this would help them to get attached to their new identities, if it was their little boy who'd chosen them.
"We're listening, lad." Killian simply encouraged him in a gentle voice.
"Well..." Henry wavered for a second. "I was thinking about the name Stark. I've read it in one of my books. It's a strong name, and we need to be strong right now. Maybe it can help us."
In the darkness, Emma could see how moved Killian was by this sudden offer. She was, too. She tried but failed to smile at him, and held Henry a bit tighter, dropping a kiss to the top of his head. Stark. Maybe that was it. Maybe their son had just given them the start of their new life.
"It's a very good choice, kid." She said in a whisper. "I love it."
"I think I have ideas for your new first names, too." He said in a bit more confident voice that made her feel slightly better, because he seemed truly happy that his offer had pleased them. "I've read them in a book too, one of my favorite. It's about a prince and a princess, but they're not like any people. What I like about them is that they fight for what they want. They help people who need it and they're my favorite characters. They are heroes. I think you should wear their names. It would suit you."
Emma sighed and briefly closed her eyes, trying not to let her emotions take over her. She was so relieved. Henry was still seeing them as heroes, and it was making her feel so much better about what she'd done. Even if she knew the guilt would never completely go away, her son was still thinking that she was a good person. Maybe she wasn't such a bad mother after all.
"Tell us, lad." Killian said then, and she could hear in his voice how this statement was moving him as well.
"Their names are prince Charles and princess Leia."
Once again, Killian and Emma shared a glance, and they just knew what these names meant. That was it. They had their new identities. Their new life. "Charles, Leia and Henry Stark." Emma then said, tasting the words on her tongue.
It sounded perfect, as if representing the promise of a new life, a good one, one where they didn't have to suffer. As she was saying those names, she knew that they were ready to start anew, to leave the scars of the past behind them. It was all they needed. A new start. To have their shot at happiness.
"The Stark family is coming to the Dome." Killian stated then, showing what these names meant to him as well. "And we'll finally be happy. I promise."
Finally a bit comforted, they all managed to fall asleep a few minutes later. Her nightmares didn't come to haunt her, this time. As if the arms of those she loved were able to keep them at bay.
It was cold outside.
It was so cold she was shivering, the freezing wind reaching her bones, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She deserved it, she deserved to suffer. Sitting at the bow of the ship, her legs dangling above the sea, she wasn't moving. Somehow, watching the gentle waves crashing against the hull was calming her down a bit.
When she was awake, in broad day light with the two most important people of her life, she was managing pretty well given the circumstances. She would busy herself, helping Killian with the sails, staying with her son, avoiding to think about what she'd done. And she would manage to believe that everything was going to be all right, eventually.
But as soon as the night would chase the sun away, as soon as she would find herself alone with her thoughts, her demons would come back to life, stronger than ever. The face of the man she'd killed, all this blood, this horrible guilt. She was scared to fall asleep, because she didn't want to relive all of this. But she was also torturing herself by staying awake, reminiscing about the same few seconds over and over again.
Sitting right there, she was also thinking about everything that was going to change for them. Everything that already had.
They'd left the only place she and Henry had ever known, and didn't really know what they would find at the Dome. A region that had overcome the loss of an entire kingdom, or little villages struggling to find a place in this world? Killian had traveled all around the world, even in other realms, but he had never approached the Dome since it'd appeared. They were walking to the unknown, unable to guess if they would get a job, if they would starve or if they would manage to be happy.
She was thinking about their new identities, too. She had to let go of Emma Swan, and if she was the one who'd had this idea, it wasn't any less painful. Despite the pain, the heartbreaks, her name was who she was. And now she was Leia Stark, a stranger, someone she hoped would finally help her to be happy. The only thing comforting her was that she was still Emma for Killian and Henry, and maybe it was all that mattered. They were all that mattered.
And, mostly, she was thinking about the sheriff. She didn't even know his name, she didn't know if he had a family, children to feed, if she'd taken him away from people who loved him. She wanted to redeem herself, but had no idea of how she could, given what she'd done. It was so bad, she wasn't sure she would ever forgive herself. It was part of her, now. For the rest of her life, she would have to bear the guilt of killing someone.
And she was the only one to blame for that.
"Emma?"
She startled, only recognizing Killian's voice a second later. She was tensed, as if ready to fight against a danger. Her body hadn't understood that they were safe yet, that she didn't have to fight anymore. But when the man she loved place his hand on her shoulder and sat down next to her, she relaxed a little bit. She turned to look at him, not knowing if he'd woken up because he'd wanted to make sure that the ship wasn't getting into any trouble, or because he hadn't felt her presence next to him on the bed anymore. Probably both.
Killian gave her a worried look and said in a soft whisper. "It's just me, you're safe."
She nodded, but didn't answer a thing. She wasn't sure she would manage to make her voice stay steady, and she didn't want to cry. Not again. She'd cried too much and it wouldn't bring that man back to life. She just had to keep on living.
"Are you all right? You must be cold in here." He said, his hand going down to take hers. "Don't you want to go inside?"
"The sea calms me down." She finally said.
Somehow, these simple words made tears appear in her eyes, and all the pain she'd tried to hide inside of her for the entire day came back to the surface. She felt her bottom lip starting to quiver, and Killian immediately noticed the state of distress she was in. Very gently, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her temple, before saying in a low voice.
"You don't have to hide what you're feeling when you're with me, my love. I know you want to be strong for Henry and me, but telling your pain doesn't erase your wonderful strength. Crying doesn't make you weak. You're the strongest person that I know. The fact that you're aching just prove how amazing you are."
"I'm crying because I killed someone. Doesn't exactly make me a hero." She said in a muffled voice, but she buried her face in the crook of his neck, because he was so comforting.
"You never wanted to kill him, Emma. It was an accident. You did so to save me, because you would do anything for our family. You're human, love, and, sometimes, bad things happen. I've killed countless of people, and it won't ever leave me. It took time because I was blinded by my revenge, but I ended up understanding that it was wrong. And you know how? It's all because you help me be the best version of myself, every single day. You're perfect, Swan, so perfect. And I know it's painful, but I'll be there with you. Every step of the way. Nothing in the world could ever stop me from being by your side."
She sighed in his arms, and held him a little bit tighter. She knew that he was right, that his presence would help her. And if she didn't want to forget, because what she'd done was horrible, she hoped that, one day, it would hurt a little bit less. She hoped that she would be able to lead a life resembling a normal one.
"We'll be okay." Killian said, dropping another kiss to her forehead. "I promise."
She let those words sink in, and stayed for a very long time snuggled into his soothing embrace. The cold wasn't reaching her anymore. She was against him and, on that moment, she just wanted to stay there forever, because it was making her feel like she hadn't completely lost herself.
The journey lasted another ten days before they arrived to their destination. Ten days during which Emma went from moments of hope to moments of pure despair. Ten days during which she hated herself, then convinced herself that her family needed her. Ten exhausting days where she didn't really know who she was anymore.
Killian was always there for her when she was at her worst, holding her and whispering how much he loved her, promising her that everything would be okay. And at the end of these ten days, as they were vaguely seeing the coasts that would be their new home appearing in the morning fog, she finally felt a bit better. Beside the two most important people of her life, she'd found herself again. She was getting back up.
She'd killed someone, and if she wanted to punish herself for it, she also knew that it wasn't right. She should have found another way to defend Killian, but without her intervention, he would have died. And it was too late now, anyway. Continuing to wonder what would have happened if she'd thought about knocking the man out instead of killing him wasn't of any use. She'd hurt someone, and she would make amends for what she had done by bringing happiness to her family. And, one day, she would totally redeem herself. She didn't now how or where, but she knew she would. It was the right thing to do.
And life seemed to resume itself as she'd taken this decision.
She knew she wouldn't be able to forgive herself, so she chose to accept that. She also chose to stay strong and not crumble for the people that she loved. She wouldn't give up. She would stand up and live, because she just wanted to make Killian and Henry happy.
During these ten days where, luckily, the sea remained calm and the ship didn't have to go through any trouble, she often sat down at the bow of the Jolly Roger. Settled there, she would look at the waves beneath her, feeling so small in this blue immensity, like she could overcome anything. And it helped her, soothed her, and made her believe in the future.
It was there that she was sitting when their destination appeared in front of them. It was blurry at first, and she wondered for a minute whether she was just imagining things, but when it became clear that it was the coasts, she got back up to join Henry and Killian at the helm.
The sight became clearer quite quickly, and she couldn't help herself but let go of a surprised gasp when she finally saw what was standing there. Of course, she'd heard stories about the Dome for her entire life. The people of the Enchanted Forest loved to talk about what had happened the night it had appeared, and she'd seen illustrations of it in Henry's books. But she'd always thought that they were exaggerating things by picturing this dark mass, spreading on dozens of miles and seeming ready to swallow everything coming near.
But it wasn't the case.
From where they were standing, their could see the beach, the harbor, the trees and fields stretching far into the lands. But this sight was suddenly broken by this black mass launching into the sky, so tall it seemed to go higher than the clouds, higher than the sun. It seemed to be crushing everything beneath it, and Emma grabbed the handrail, feeling so minuscule in front of this worrying immensity.
Somewhere underneath this, Snow White, Prince Charming and their entire kingdom were stuck in time, and she just couldn't believe it. She couldn't imagine that someone had made this appear, that it hadn't always been there, because it seemed so threatening and eternal.
Henry came to snuggle beside her, and she wrapped her arm around his shoulder to hold him close. Looking at him, she noticed that he seemed as surprised as she was, his lips parted in fascination. She suddenly realized that he was finally seeing a part of his favorite story in this new reality that was now theirs. The legend of the lost princess was taking its roots there, and he seemed so reassured, even slightly content that they were really there.
Seeing this place meant so much to him, she could see it now. It relieved her, to see that her little boy didn't seem that sad to have left his native region, since they were now in the place sheltering all his dreams. She had a small smile, thinking that, maybe, they would be able to start anew in this place that was so important to her little boy.
"Look, kid. It's our new home." She whispered, and he looked up at her with a bright smile dancing on his lips.
She smiled back at him, feeling more peaceful than she'd been for days. They were there, they'd survived the journey, and despite the fact that they had no idea of what was awaiting for them on the other side, they would be all right. As long as they were all together, they could overcome anything.
She turned to look at Killian, who was still sailing the ship to their destination. He felt her gaze on him, and turned to look at her. A spark of relief shone in his eyes to finally see her relaxed, ready to start their new life. They shared a silent moment, and she lost herself in the blue of his eyes.
Their last days had been awful, horribly painful, but they'd made it. And now, they would be all right. She realized that she was convinced things would be okay from now on. The hardest was behind them, they just had to keep on going.
They were finally ready to live.
Okay that's it for today! I know this was pretty harsh, but the next part will be much lighter, mostly telling the start of their new life! See you soon! :)