Scorpius had failed to speak to me for the small remainder of the holidays. And for the train ride to Hogwarts. And for the sorting ceremony and feast. And well, actually, for the whole first week of school. I told myself that I shouldn't even care that Scorpius Malfoy hadn't bothered to acknowledge me since we returned but it turns out I don't even listen to myself because I do care. I care more about this than I have ever cared about what anyone else thought about me. I care a lot. I care enough to have found myself where I am now – wide awake at 3am, listening to sad music on my muggle iPod and thinking about him. About how I was sure I caught him looking at me across the hall this morning, but quickly went back to looking at his cereal when I looked up (cereal which I was also sure had two and a half teaspoons of sugar, just the way he liked it). Mainly I thought about it when it happened; when I fell for Scorpius Malfoy. Gradually, I'd decided. Gradually I'd fallen for him – for how he opened up to me and how it felt like I was the only person he'd ever really spoken to, fallen for the way he smelt when he'd just had a shower but mostly I fell for how he saw me. Scorpius saw me as Rose. Not Rose Weasley, not Ron and Hermione Granger's daughter. Just Rose. I missed how he saw me as a person instead of a name.
I was sure of how I felt the second night back at school, I'd not been able to get to sleep and as usual, my thoughts wondered to the Slytherin boy and I realised that I missed him. Really missed him. Not in a I miss looking at your face way but in a I miss talking to you, listening to you, miss hearing your laugh way. I didn't just want Scorpius back in my life because I fancied him. I would want him in my life even if it meant we were just friends, acquaintances even, a passing hello in the corridor so long as he was in my life. I haven't got that now, evidenced by the fact we passed in the corridor yesterday afternoon and I didn't even get a second glance, never mind a hello. We'd been timetabled in a few classes together which made it all the more difficult to get him out of my mind, everywhere I went I was reminded of him, of how much I missed him and how much it hurt when he ignored me. What hurt most of all was to see him with Al. Not all the time, but I witnessed a few exchanges between the two - casual conversations and the like. It was me, I was who he didn't want to see. I was embarrassing to be seen with, probably. Al Potter – he was attractive, good with girls, a suitable and desired friend for anyone. Me – awkward, quiet, avoided by everyone. It was no wonder really that Scorpius didn't want anything to do with me, and I knew that, but no matter how much I told myself that, I couldn't shake my feelings. Nor could I tell anybody else how I felt. Al would be useless, Lily would be unbearable and there are just some things you can't talk to your brother about. There was a final person that crossed my mind to talk to, someone who had a lot of experience with the opposite sex, someone who had done a lot of growing up recently. Someone, most importantly, who held no positive feelings towards Scorpius.
It was cold in Hogsmeade, the autumn weather had well and truly set in. I'd put my thickest coat on and pulled the hood over my head to protect me from the drizzling rain, but also to protect me from my nosey relatives. I'd told them all that I wasn't interested in the first trip of the year to the village, that I was planning to stay back and get ahead with some work because I was feeling a little off. Which was true – I was shattered. For the first three weeks of term I'd barely slept and everytime I did I'd have nightmares about the kidnapping. I'd get woken up in terror, whilst awake become sad about Scorpius, fall asleep for all of what felt like five minutes...over and over again. It was a vicious, vicious cycle. One that I desperately needed to break. I wondered if Al and Scorpius suffered the same nightmares, Al had never mentioned it and nor would he if it was happening. Scorpius, well, I wouldn't know.
I'd tried to talk to Al about his experience in the house -about his torture- but he wouldn't say anything. Nothing that he hadn't rope learned as a generic response, I'm just glad its over was his favourite. Everyone else just nodded sympathetically, pretending to understand when he spoke, but I knew differently. I knew that he wasn't happy. He looked happy, smiling and laughing, going about as he usually did - but there was something missing. Whatever happened in that house, it took away a piece of him, a piece that I so hoped would come back in time.
I hoped I hadn't been followed as I made my way into the furthest, dingiest cafe in the village. I wasn't sure this even counted as Hogsmeade it was that far out, but at least I knew it was safe to talk without being overheard by prying ears.
"Rosie," he called out from the corner of the dimly-lit shop. "over here. Got you a hot chocolate, extra cream."
"Thanks," I told him before taking off my coat and putting my hands round the drink for warmth. "it's freezing outside."
"You should hear my Mum moaning about what it's doing to her plants," he chuckled. "you're much better off here little one."
"Little one? You have realised I'm not 9 years old any more, James?" I pretended to hate his nickname but I secretly liked it, it made me feel loved.
"You'll always be my little one, Rosie," James stretched back on the chair, underestimating the strength of the chair and almost fell off, cursing under his breath. "so, what's with the secrecy? Not going to lie, I was a bit shocked when I got your letter."
"I need to talk to you, I-I couldn't think of anyone else who would understand." I told him, images flashing in my mind of all the people I considered telling but couldn't until it landed on James. James flipping Potter.
"I never thought I'd be your first choice for a chat, what's my baby brother done this time? It has to be about him or it would be him you'd be having secret liaisons with, not me" I considered telling Al regardless of his relationship with Scorpius. Al is my best friend. There was something stopping me, perhaps it was the thought that he might tell Scorpius or maybe it was that if I told Al then I would have to face him and his questions every single day. James, I won't have to see again until Christmas.
"It's not to do with him," I shook my head. "James, do you remember Natalie Goodman?"
Natalie Goodman was a Hufflepuff in James' year of Hogwarts, she was totally infatuated and the whole school knew it. James and her were reasonable friends up until fifth year when he completely stopped contact. There was no reason that I was aware of, just that he'd ceased talking to her and that was it.
"How couldn't I?" he let out a massive breath. "but what does that have to do with you? She's not contacted you has she? Oh Merlin"
"No, no," I assured him. "I-I wanted to know why you stopped talking to her. She liked you and you just stopped."
"This is very weird Rosie, are you sure you're feeling okay?" he said before reading the seriousness in my expression. "I stopped talking to her because she liked me. It was weird, she was my mate, I couldn't have a mate around that fancied me but I didn't fancy back. Plus she was putting off other girls...Merlin, I was a bastard wasn't I?"
"Yes," I agreed sadly. It wasn't the answer I was looking for. "a big one"
Silly old Rose thought that maybe James stopped talking to Natalie for a logical reason, hopefully I thought that it was because he liked her. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Boy gets scared. Boy runs away. In fact, the answer was, boy is a bastard who doesn't like the girl.
"Explain to me how me being the biggest prat on earth to Natalie Goodman three years ago has anything to do with you?" he enquired with good reason, I'd dragged him all the way out to Hogsmeade, he deserved an answer.
"Don't laugh at me and you cannot breathe a word of this to anyone," I said before retelling my story with Scorpius. Of how we spoke, how he took me out for my birthday, how we'd spent so much time together...how he'd failed to acknowledge my existence.
"Bloody hell" was all he said.
"I didn't know what else to do James, you're the closest thing I have to a big brother, I had to tell someone. I can't sleep, I can barely eat...it's killing me. I miss him." I tried my hardest to hold the feelings inside of me, the odd tear escaping but soon the whole lot fled the building. "I don't know what I've done wrong. I thought we were friends, I don't give a toss about him liking me, that I can get over but I just miss the friend I thought I'd made. James, please say something, tell me what I've done wrong."
James came round the table to hug me and he hugged me tight. "I'm going to break his legs."
Once I'd finished crying I felt a great relief and ready to talk again.
"You can't break his legs, he hasn't actually done anything except be how it was before all of this happened." I said calmly.
"I can break anyone's legs who makes my Rosie this upset," he countered and I think he was serious about the leg breaking. "it doesn't make sense, the guy risked his life for you. And he's talking to Al? Now I was, as you agreed, a bastard but I can't get my head around it. Unless – do you remember Emily Jones?"
"Of course," I said. Emily was also in James' year, she too, was a friend of his. I remember her coming to the Burrow once or twice over the summers. I gathered they were fairly close.
"I liked her...a lot," he admitted. "but I could never tell her. Still haven't told her. I was so confused about the way I felt I did my best to avoid her, until she got really pissed off at me and told me that if it carried on she'd never speak to me again. I couldn't not speak to her so I just got over myself and learnt to live with the way I felt. But if she hadn't done that, well I probably would still be avoiding her."
It amazed me how much James had grown up over summer, his maturity shone through whenever he spoke now. It was refreshing.
"But why?" I questioned.
"Because boys don't understand feelings," he smiled sadly. "I'm not saying this is how Scorpius feels but don't write him off as a complete bastard yet. The guy put his life on the line for you Rosie, I don't buy that he hates you...but I still want to break his legs."
"I wish I wanted to," I sighed. "I can't be angry at him. I want to be angry at him, I just can't."
"Want to know where my bets are, Rosie?" he asked, gulping down a chocolate chip cupcake. "I think he'll realise soon that he can't live without you and well if he doesn't, then he's made the biggest mistake of his life because you're worth a million of any of the skanks those Slytherins mess about with."
"And what am I meant to do in the meantime?" I asked, thinking back to the sleepless nights and endless daydreams.
"Nothing," he said simply. "be yourself because there's nothing you're better at. I'm glad you felt like you could talk to me about this Rosie, I know it's wrong to have favourite cousins but I won't tell if you don't. Remember, if you ever want me to break his legs, you know where to come."
We said our goodbyes and I quietly made my way back to the castle undetected. My meeting with James had made me feel better – just telling someone was a massive relief. Of course I didn't know why it was that Scorpius was acting the way he was, I was never going to find that out from James, I realised that now. What I did conclude was that the way Scorpius was behaving may not be what it seemed on the surface. There had to be a reason for his odd behaviour and I sure as hell was going to find out why.
A/N – sooooo what do we think?