South Park © Matt & Trey.

At the end of the week, I get a phone call. The phone call I've been waiting for.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hey, it's me," comes Craig's familiar voice – deep and nasally.

Thank God!

"Hey!" I exclaim. "God, where the fuck are you? Everyone is freaking out."

"Denver," he says.

"Why?" I ask him.

"I don't know…" he admits. "I'm on a payphone in the Cherry Creek shopping center."

"Do you want me to come?" I offer. "Say the word and I'm there."

"Please…"

"Give me two hours," I tell him. "Go to Panda Express and get something to eat. I'll meet you there, okay?"

"Okay… Thanks, Clyde."

"Don't worry about it," I promise. "See you soon."

I don't bother changing out of my sweatpants. I pocket my phone and grab my jacket, slipping into my boots before running out the door. I get in my car, start the engine and leave town.

After nearly two hours, I'm parking in front of the mall. I've only been here a few times and none of those times were recent. So, I make a few circles before I find Panda Express. I stroll right in and look around until I see a head of dark hair. There he is. As soon as I spot him, I feel relief settle in the pit of my stomach.

"Craig," I say as I near him.

He turns around, looking relieved to see me. "Hey…"

"Hey," I echo as I sit across from him. "So… want to talk?"

He looks weary and exhausted. "I haven't even cried, you know…" he confesses. "Is that bad of me?"

"No," I promise him.

"I mean, I want to," he says with a shrug. "It just won't come out… Anyway, no… I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," I relent. "So… did you eat anything?"

"No," he admits. "I don't have any cash."

"I'll get us something," I say, getting up and grabbing my wallet from my coat pocket before ordering. We split a bowl of mushroom chicken. Craig doesn't eat much. He's probably not hungry.

"Sorry," he says out of the blue.

"Don't be," I insist. "Where've you been staying?"

He shrugs. "It's been gross. I spent a few nights at a shelter, but the man in the bed next to mine had hands that wandered too much… Plus, the communal showers make me feel really uncomfortable and some guys get way too friendly. So, after that, I heard about a place where kids crashed. It's kind of a flophouse. There were mostly junkies, but… whatever, it was a roof."

"Shit," I mutter. "That sucks, dude. Why'd you run off like that?"

"I just felt overwhelmed," he says vaguely.

"Was it worth it?"

"No."

With that, Craig starts crying in the middle of the restaurant, attracting looks from nearby people. He places a shaky palm over his face, sobbing quietly into his hand for many long minutes. After a few more, he closes his eyes and forcibly quiets himself.

"Go visit him," I say softly.

He glances up at me with glassy eyes. "I haven't showered in three days," he murmurs offhandedly. "I feel disgusting. I just want to go home and get clean… but I keep hesitating. I didn't want to call you, but I didn't know what else to do."

"Well, I'm glad you did call," I tell him. "I was really fucking worried about you. I mean, shit… You just disappeared. Your parents are freaking out. I was debating on calling them, but you should do it."

He groans, slumping in his seat. "I wish you did tell them… I don't want to."

"Come on," I urge. "Eat a few more bites and you can call them in the car."

By the time we're in the car, Craig is increasingly silent. I start the car and hand him my cellphone. When he presses the phone up against his ear, I pretend not to pay attention. I watch the road and mind my own business.

Craig's voice breaks. "Dad?" I hear him say weakly. "Can I come home now?"

I imagine Thomas saying yes. I imagine Ruby and Laura's relief. I guess I'm imagining the best. I'm imagining what I want to happen. I'm imagining what should happen and what probably will happen. Craig's parents are good. They love him and they care about him and they're not going to be mad that he ran away for a little while. They're going to understand why he had to do it.

Craig's shoulders start to shake and he lets out a shaky sigh. "Okay," he says before hanging up the phone. He presses the palms of his hands to his eyes, visibly trying to calm himself down.

"What did he say?" I ask as gently as I can.

He lets out a shuddery breath before letting his hands fall to his lap. "He said I could come home."

Just like I knew he would.

"I'm glad," I tell Craig sincerely.

Craig's parents weren't mad. Of course. They welcomed him back with hugs and warm words. I knew they would. I knew they weren't going to hold it against him. To be honest, none of this is his damn fault. Everything has been out of his control lately. I think that running away was Craig's way of trying to gain some of the control back.

Things have been… better. If that's even the right word. Somehow, it feels wrong.

Mid-month, Craig gets his old job back. He's been trying to piece himself and his life back together. I don't know what changed. I didn't ask. Either way, I'm glad. Maybe he needed to get away for a little while. Either way, I don't think I'll be confessing to him any time soon. Too much has happened. It wouldn't feel right to spring it on him after he's just getting back into the swing of things.

"I keep wanting to go see him," Craig murmurs the confession. "I don't know why."

"You probably still care about him," I point out gently, "and that's okay. You don't have to force yourself to hate him. You can forgive him and move on. Closure, right?"

We're walking around town. It's pretty quiet out, but probably just because the sun is going down. All the kids are in by now.

"I know," Craig says with a shrug before shoving his hands back into his pockets. "It's hard, I guess. I mean, I don't want to forgive him but at the same time I do… does that make sense?"

"Yeah, I understand," I tell him sincerely.

He's probably tired. He probably feels a whole slew of conflicting emotions in terms of every aspect of his life. I can't really imagine what that must feel like, but it's probably hell.

He lets out a breath, staring down at the slushy ground. "I wish things went differently. I keep wishing that and I know it's fucking pointless because you can't change things that have already happened."

"If you want to visit him, I can take you," I promise him. He's been cussing a lot more. It feels almost strange to hear because I got used to him being so… permissive and polite. I guess it's a good thing, though.

"Soon," he murmurs.

I nod my head lightly. He has time to decide what he wants to do. Kenny isn't going anywhere for quite a while.

I walk Craig home and he invites me inside. We go to his room and he plays with Ruby's cat as it rolls around on his bed, bearing its belly.

"Is it bad that I want another boyfriend?" Craig asks me.

I frown at that. "Honestly, I thought you'd want to spend some time being single after this mess with Kenny…"

He shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know," he murmurs. "I guess it's not healthy, but I just want something new so I can forget about him. I want to move on and I want to do it with someone else."

"Yeah," I say quietly. I don't really know what to tell him. I don't know whether or not it's healthy. "Just don't rush into anything, y'know?" I add.

"I know," he says, but I don't think he does. "I want to visit Kenny and get closure and all that shit first."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," I tell him.

"You'll come with me, right?" he asks.

"Of course," I promise.

The following week, Craig tells me he's ready. It happens out of the blue, so we both get in my car and we ride to the hospital. The drive is perfectly silent.

"Nervous?" I ask him as we get closer.

"Strangely, I'm not," he admits.

More silence.

When we arrive, we park and I follow Craig into the lobby. He approaches the front desk, asking to see Kenny. We're made to wait for a little while.

"Can you come with me to see him?" Craig asks.

"Of course," I say.

When an orderly finally comes to get us, we're led down a hallway and to an open door. The nurse allows me and Craig to step inside first before following us. It's dark and quiet.

"Mr. McCormick, you have visitors," the orderly says sweetly, moving across the room to open his curtains. "It might be nice to let some light in here, huh?"

Kenny doesn't respond. He is lying in bed, still as a board of wood. He's wearing plain-colored hospital pyjamas. At least he's out of the gown. He looks better than last time, but he still doesn't look himself. He's usually animated, enthusiastic, full of life… Now he's empty. He stares up at the ceiling blankly and he looks like he's still fucking catatonic. His eyes are wet and he looks so fucking miserable. I just keep hoping that the doctors are actually doing something to help him. I mean, everyone seems nice, but I can't really know. I'm not in his position.

"Hey," Craig says in the softest voice, nearing his bedside.

I stand near the doorway and lean against the wall with my arms crossed. I feel weird being here, but I promised Craig I would stick around. Still, I feel out of place. I feel like I have no right being here and listening to their conversation.

When the orderly is gone, Kenny finally speaks. "I did it on purpose, y'know…" he says hoarsely. For some reason, I'm relieved to hear him talk.

"Yeah," Craig whispers.

Kenny lets out a sob and sniffs loudly, bringing an arm up and unceremoniously wiping his nose. "I don't want to be here… I don't want to be anywhere."

"Yeah," Craig whispers again.

Part of me wonders if Kenny is sorry. He doesn't say it, but he could be. Craig would forgive him. I know he would. He'd say it, even if he didn't feel it at this point because he knows that someday he will. Besides, Kenny needs this. He probably sees that, too.

"It's okay, you know," Craig says out of the blue, almost as if he's having the same thoughts as me.

"No, it's not…" Kenny murmurs wetly. Tears fall down the sides of his face, but he doesn't make a move to wipe them away.

"Why'd you do it?" Craig asks.

"Revenge… self-hatred…" Kenny muses. "I wanted you to know a little how I felt. It was hard… because you always gave me that doe-eyed deer caught in the headlights look. I felt like I was hurting something innocent and it all backfired."

"Oh," Craig says quietly.

"I didn't show the pictures to anyone else," Kenny admits out of the blue. "Just my friends plus Clyde… I know I said I showed more people… but I didn't really. I just… wanted to make you think I did so you'd feel bad. That also backfired and made me hate myself even more."

"I'm not the person I used to be," Craig tells him, "and I'm so, so, so sorry that I hurt you."

"I know," Kenny whispers. "I forgive you."

"I forgive you, too."

Kenny closes his eyes. "Did you love me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know," Craig answers simply. "I just did. You were my first of everything."

"I'm sorry for that," Kenny finally says. He sounds so fucking tired, like he's given up. Maybe that's why the apology is finally coming out. He has nothing left.

"Yeah, me too."

Craig doesn't linger after that. He turns away and leaves without another word.

"Y'know…" Kenny starts, glancing at me and sitting up. It makes me wonder if he's only playing dead for the staff. "I only showed the pictures to you because I wanted to make you jealous."

"Why?" I ask flatly.

"Because you love him," he murmurs, letting out a sigh like the answer should be obvious to me.

"How do you know?" I wonder.

"I just do. I know lots of things."

I don't bother responding to that. I simply turn away and catch up with Craig. He's moving down the hallway by now on steady feet. He doesn't look angry or sad or anything bad, really. He just looks calm.

"Did you really love him?" I wonder as we make our way out of the building and into the sunlight.

"Who knows?" Craig murmurs.

"You could have lied," I tell him.

"But I didn't," he says with a shrug. "I'm not really sure why."

I simply nod my head, though it makes me worry. It puts knots in my stomach. I don't want him to ever go back to Kenny or anyone like Kenny. I want Craig to want more for himself. He deserves more. He's not a bad person. He's a good person who deserves good things. If only he could see that.