Danny recognised that acidic smell, but his brain wasn't in any state to tell him what it was. He moved his head slightly. His neck and spine exploded with a current of pain that shocked his eyes open. The bright light made him close them again. He rolled over onto his front trying to get away from the smell, the light, the pain that overloaded his senses to find only more stabbing shocking pain. He laid still, waiting for it to go away. Where was he? He could remember the last few days at least, everything was clear for once. In fact every moment was high definition, Leo, the mansion, that kiss. He still felt it on his lips. He could still smell him. Danny opened his eyes. The surface in front of him slipped in and out of focus and then became clear. He was lying on a dirty, stained, sheet-less mattress.
After a few minutes he turned slowly and carefully over onto his back. The pain was an ache. An all over constant broken every bone in his body kind of ache, but not as bad as before. He moved his arm, and it returned in a wave, forcing him to stay still until it subsided. He moved his hand to his face. It was his face, though a little more stubbly than usual. He could feel a tingling in his fingers as blood returned. He raised his head carefully and looked down at himself. He was naked except for a pair of boxers. He could see a dark patch on them where his bladder had given out. There were red marks covering most of his right torso and shoulder. He must have been lying here on his side for a long time.
The light was coming from a window on the other side of the room. It was open a crack, white curtains flowing in the light breeze. The heat told him it must be summer. He sat up a little more, looked around the room. The walls were cream and the floor was brown wood. In front of his eyes specks of dust travelled. He couldn't make out much without his glasses. He looked to his left. There was a bedside table next to the bed, that was the obvious place. He turned onto his side and winced. Something stung him in the arm, just behind the elbow. He looked down to see a needle hanging out of him, the tip visible beneath a thin cover of skin. He grabbed it, ripped it out. Pulled off the surgical tubing just above. He was sitting up without even knowing it. All pain disappeared as he looked in horror at his arm. The track marks running down it. Oh God, please let it be a suicide attempt. Maybe Leo was a really bad shot. He pulled the stopper out the end of the needle, pulled out some of the hardened brown residue. It crumbled in his hand as he smelt it. He recognised it from his training. So similar to the medicines he had prescribed, diamorphine, pethidine, but not quite the same.
He sat still, tried to figure out what was going on with his body. The aching he felt could just be to do with the near coma state he must have been in. He could only wait and see. He threw the needle to the floor. There was a strange energy building in him. Despite his own inner voice urging caution he couldn't help but hope. Was he home? He could deal with anything if he was. He pulled himself to the edge of the bed and felt around on the bedside table. His hand moved past the cigarettes, cell phone and loose change and he picked up a glass of water. He looked down into it suspiciously. He poured the water out into the palm of his hand, letting the water spill onto the mattress. Two little pieces of plastic landed in his hand. Contacts. Of course. He hastily put them in.
Blinking, he took a good look around the room. It wasn't anywhere he had been before. The place looked new, and mostly empty. The main feature was a shiny widescreen TV in front of the bed, sitting on a cardboard box. A pile of bin-bags in one corner, clothes overflowing, his clothes, he realised. There were a couple of large cardboard boxes in another corner. A set of kitchen cupboards ran along one side of the room, with a microwave sat above the last one, shiny and new, he could see the tag on the wire. The door next to the cabinets was just ajar; he could see the white tiles in the room behind. The whole place looked unlived in, like a spare room. Danny swung his legs off the side of the bed and stood up slowly. His back hurt and he felt a wave of heat race to his head as he stood. He steadied himself on the bed until he could move. He looked at the window. He walked, stepping over the tangle of sheets at the end of the bed. Remembering the boxers he pulled them off, disgusted, and threw them behind him onto the bed. He would dump them and the mattress as soon as he could. Along with this whole place hopefully.
He reached the window and pushed it open as far as the glass would go. Leaning out, the clean air hit him. He breathed in, it tasted so good, clearing away the stale smell of the apartment. He just stood there for a minute absorbing the feel of the breeze on his skin. He had never realised something so simple could feel so good. There was another smell on the air. He looked down at the street below. The row of trees that ran along the road were alight with pastel pink blossom. The sun shone down as a lone car rolled past. Danny looked up, over the houses across the street, along the horizon he could see the familiar sights of the city. The buildings all looked reversed. He must be on the opposite side of town from his home. He could see the church spire rising up between the buildings. He looked back at the bedside table where the phone sat. He turned and strode towards it, picking it up and typing in a number.
He put the phone to his ear. It rang and rang. Eventually it clicked. "Hello. You have reached…" Danny listened to his wife's voice. It was a new message. Not the one they had had when he left. He drank it in and was surprised when it ended. He called back and listened to it again. He couldn't hear anything in Abigail's voice, how she was, it was her work voice, devoid of feeling. He left a message at the end. Short and simple, asking her to ring back. He didn't know what he, or Leo, had done, he didn't want to scare her off.
He sat there for a minute, looked at the phone and dialled another number.
It rang a couple of times, before it was answered with a guarded, "Hello?"
"Michael?"
"Yes."
"You're alive? You're alright?" There was a fight between disbelief and hope going on inside Danny. Things couldn't just be ok, not after everything that had happened, everything that had felt so real. But why not? He wasn't the first person to have delusions. The human mind was incredible, the way it could fool itself. But it was resilient too. He had seen people come back from much worse. "I mean, I'm just happy to hear from you. It's been a long time," Danny said, not sure what he was saying, just happy to be able to say anything to Mike again.
"Look, this is a bad time. I'm working. Is there something you want?"
"No I just…" Danny paused, thinking. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Mike what had been going on, but he didn't know that himself. How long had he been out of it? How long had he been Leo? Since the operation? Was Leo even real? "It's just, I think I haven't been acting like myself recently. Can you tell me if I've done anything out of character?"
Mike was silent. "Is this some kind of joke?" he asked finally.
"No, just since the operation, you know, I haven't been myself."
"You can say that again."
"Mike, what happened with the operation?"
Michael sighed. "Danny, you have all the information on the procedure. And we've been through this before."
Danny turned and looked at the boxes in the corner. "Please. Humour me."
"Ok. The control chip was inserted correctly, but we had trouble waking you up. So we removed the chip. Three weeks later you came around. You didn't appear to have any damage from the operation. Not at the time anyway. That's all." Mike was abrupt, not his usual self, not a trace of the guy Danny had become friends with. It was as like was a different person. Or like Danny was a different person, someone he no longer knew.
"That's it? Really?"
"Really." Mike insisted.
"But you said I'd been acting strangely."
"Your brain waves were sometimes erratic while in the coma, but they seemed fine when you were released. But since then, yeah, you've been acting strangely."
"So I could have some kind of damage. Haven't I been tested?"
"If you would agree to come in I could do that."
"When can I come in?"
"Well, today," Mike said, he sounded surprised. He paused for a moment. "This afternoon, is that ok?"
"I'll be there."
"Danny, what's up with you?"
"I don't know. I feel…" Danny thought for a minute. He wanted to explain everything, but he was wary. Acting a little different after brain surgery, that was one thing. But explaining that you hadn't been present in your life for a significant period of time, that another personality had been living it for you, that was serious. He could end up in a mental hospital for real. At the very least he would be under observation for a long time. He wanted to get his life back on track, not miss any more of it. "I feel like I just woke up. Don't give up on me Michael."
"Just make sure you come in today."
"Michael, what about my family. Do you know if they're ok?"
"Why don't you get in touch with them, ask them yourself? I know Abbie would appreciate it."
"I will." Danny was silent.
"Just come in today Danny, ok? I'll see you later."
"Oh, wait. Do you know the facility in Rockwell Street?" There was one other thing Danny had to ask.
"Yeah, I know it, why?"
"Does it have a club attached?"
"No… well there was the club next door. It was closed down a couple of years ago, for noise violations. Don't you remember that? Too bad those animal rights nuts didn't think of that. Poor little animals. Having to be subjected to their noise as well as being tortured by us-"
"Animals?"
"Yes."
"There weren't any people there?"
"For testing? No."
"Oh, right." Danny felt relieved, but still... "Mike, do you think all the experiments we did there were, uh, necessary?"
"Necessary? It's an experiment Danny. How are you supposed to know if it's necessary until you do it? But it was all as humane as possible. You know that, you worked there didn't you?"
"Oh, yeah." Danny realised there were still a lot of gaps in his memory. Hopefully those would come back with time. "Thanks Mike. I'll see you this afternoon, ok?"
"Ok, make sure you do."
Danny said goodbye and hung up. His eyes were drawn once again to the brown boxes behind him. He stood up and walked over, unsteadily. A tremor travelled up his body but he ignored it. He pulled the first box open and looked at the files stacked inside. He picked one out, it had his patient number on it, 412 566. He opened it up and flicked through pages of scans of his brain. His hand lifted to his head, to feel the scar beneath his hair. The scans didn't show the chip, these must have been taken after they removed it. What would he have been doing at this point? He looked at the date - six days after the operation. He, Leo, whoever he was, wouldn't wake up for over two weeks yet. Placing the pages on the floor he looked back inside the box. There were hundreds of similar sized files. Leo must have been pretty interested in what was going on his brain. He supposed he should read them too, but he didn't want to. He wanted to forget everything. He was alive now, that was what mattered. He would tell Mike all he could today, he didn't care if he was on anti-psychotics for the rest of his life. He had been given a second chance, he wasn't about to waste it. He would explain things to Abbie. She would forgive him. She had known the dangers of the procedure. Of course she had, she had repeatedly warned him of the dangers. He would spend the rest of his life making it up to her.
As he sat there he felt another shiver go through him. He guessed it was the open window behind him. He was suddenly aware of how cold, how weak his body felt. He couldn't have eaten in a while, and his mouth was dry. He ran the sink in the kitchen and searched trough the cupboards until he found a mug. It looked as new and unused as everything else in the apartment. When he had drunk from it several times he checked the fridge. The food in there was rotten but he pulled a ready meal out of the freezer and stuck it in the microwave. While he waited he tried his home number again. Then he tried Abbie's cell phone but the call cut off before it rang. Blocked? Or was her phone just off? The microwave pinged behind him. He ate quickly, standing up at the kitchen counter, not really tasting the piping hot lasagne, though he felt the heat of it travel to his stomach. He wanted to go home, get to his family, but he needed to sort himself out first. He couldn't let them see him like this. He jumped in the shower as soon as he finished. The water running over him felt good… Did it feel different, more real? It felt, fine, no more real or less than any other shower he had ever taken.
Danny pulled a towel around himself, drying himself as he walked out of the bathroom and across the main room. He searched in the pile of clothes in the corner and pulled out one of his older shirts and jeans, ignoring the new clothes he didn't recognise. He dressed and as he did so he saw black metal in the pile of fabric. He moved the clothes and picked up a revolver. He felt the weight of it in his hand. In real life he had only really used a gun on a shooting range. Would it feel different, pulling the trigger here, ending someone's life as he felt he had done countless times before? Or would it be just the same, like the shower and the food? He wondered if Leo had used the gun, and buried it out of sight at the bottom of the clothes pile.
As he stood up a loud buzzing noise rang through the apartment. Danny flattened himself against the wall. Weapon in hand, he stood there waiting for whatever threat this could signal. The sound came again. Then he looked across the room to the intercom on the wall. He walked over and pressed the button.
"Hello?"
"Hello," his wife answered.
Danny stood there for a second, unable to answer. "Abbie?"
"Yes, it's me." She sounded weary, resigned to being there.
"Hi, come up!" he said in what he hoped sounded like his normal voice. He buzzed her in and glanced back over the room. The bed looked the worst and he threw the covers at the end over it, covering the stains, glad he had opened the window earlier. He hurried back to the door, smoothing back his hair. He realised he was smiling like an idiot and he tried to modify his facial expression, look a little more normal. As soon as he heard footsteps outside he opened the door.
His wife and son stood there. They looked much the same as they had the last time he saw them. Danny hadn't really thought about how he'd feel being with them again, until recently he hadn't believed he could. He just stood there, staring at them for a moment, hardly able to believe they were really here. Then he stepped forward to embrace them. Abbie moved back out of the way. Josh stood still and let his dad hug him, but he looked terrified. Danny stood back and took a good look at them. "Come in."
Abigail took his Josh's hand and they walked inside.
"Where's Kat?" Danny asked.
"She didn't want to come today," Abigail said. She looked at him for a second then away immediately, at Josh. "I'll be back at two to pick you up. You can always call me if you need to."
Josh nodded.
"Can we talk? Before you go?" Danny stepped towards his wife who stiffened and stepped away. "I love you. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry for how I've acted the last few weeks. I haven't been myself-"
"It's the children you should be apologising too. I have to go." Her face was expressionless. It worried him, how closed off she seemed. When they had argued before it had always been everything out in the open and over quickly. This was different.
"Wait can I just talk to you, for one minute, alone."
"No."
"Can I call you?"
"I'll be back at two. We can talk then." She looked down at Josh again. "Are you sure about this? We can go home now if you want? Do you feel ok?"
Josh nodded up at her. Abigail said goodbye to Josh and left quickly. Danny watched her go. He wanted to run after her, but he knew he had to take things slow, he couldn't push. If only he knew what Leo had done, then at least he would know what he was apologising for. The fact she was here at all and willing to leave Josh meant Leo hadn't done anything too terrible, he hoped. Whatever had happened, he would make it up to her. He would make everything better.
Danny looked at Josh to see him looking back at him, his son looked away.
"So what do you want to do today? We could go to the park?"
Josh shrugged. Danny bent down next to him. "I know the last few weeks have been hard. Daddy's been ill, but I'm getting better. Everything's going to be better from now on."
Josh nodded again, looking even more freaked out than before.
"Do you want to watch TV?" Danny picked up the remote from the bedside table and turned on the TV. As he did so he saw the needle from earlier lying on the floor and gave it a sharp kick under the bed. He flicked through until he found a channel with kids shows. Josh sat down on the end of the bed.
Danny walked around the apartment, looking for his keys in pockets and on top of things. He found the house keys in some discarded jeans along with some car keys he didn't recognise. As he continued dressing a shiver ran through him. He shook it off.
"Ready to go?" he asked Josh. He could take him to the park across from the church. The kids always used to love it there. And it would be good to see the town, reinforce the fact he was home to himself.
Josh looked at him apprehensively. Danny turned the TV off and smiled at him. "Come on. We'll have fun I promise. Like the old days."
Josh stood up, took the hand Danny offered him and they walked out the door and downstairs onto the street. Outside Danny looked around cautiously. "Where would he, I mean, where did I park the car?"
They walked around the back of the apartment block to a row of garages. Danny bent down in front of the first door and tried to unlock it. The key didn't fit. He stood up and looked down the row.
"Try that one, dad," Josh spoke up, pointing down the row.
Danny smiled at him. He walked to the indicated garage and unlocked it. There was a white Fiat in there, it looked in good condition except for a few scratch marks down one side and a damaged wing mirror. Danny tried the car key in the door. It clicked open. He turned to look at Josh. "What did we do then last time you visited me? I can't remember."
Josh shrugged "Watched TV."
"Did we go anywhere? Did we take the car? This car?"
"No. You took me home. I was being too noisy. You almost crashed. Mom was mad. She said you were drunk."
Danny crouched down by his son. "Listen Josh. I'm sorry about that. It won't happen again. Things are going to get better now." He smiled reassuringly and Josh did smile back, just a little.
In the car, Danny's hands shook on the wheel as he started the engine. He took a deep breath and backed out onto the street with no problem. They drove through town. At first Danny had no problem, the streets were familiar to him but as he drove on he realised he had no idea where he was going. He had said he would take Josh somewhere hadn't he? He couldn't ask him where now, he needed his son to believe in him. He tried to remember but his brain was distracted, thinking of, grasping at something else, just out of reach. He felt so cold, he needed to look down and concentrate to keep his hands from shaking on the steering wheel. He looked up just in time to see the light go red and slammed on the brakes.
The lights turned green and he accelerated off. He felt better now, as if the jolt of the car had been what he needed. The park. They were going to the park.
"Dad. Dad!"
"What?" Danny asked, distracted again, trying to keep himself from snapping at the kid.
"I want to see Kat!"
"Me too son. We'll see her soon."
"But she works just down there at Mr Swirly's." Looking back in the mirror Danny saw Josh indicate down towards the mall. "Why can't we go and see her? I want to see her."
"Oh, Ok… I didn't know she had a job," Danny said, almost to himself, and changed direction. It only took a few minutes before they saw the large plastic rooftop ice-cream cone that indicated Mr Swirly's. They drove into a parking lot surrounded by shops and fast food restaurants. While Danny was still parking Josh unbuckled himself and opened the door, running out between the rows of parked cars.
"Wait!" Danny shouted. He switched the engine off and chased after him. Mark ran towards the ice-cream shop. Danny saw him reach two figures outside the door. His daughter stood there, sharing a cigarette with a boy a few years older. She wore blue skinny jeans and a lacy green vest, her hair done up in some kind of fancy French knot. She looked older than the little girl he had left behind. Kat hastily handed the cigarette to her friend as she saw Danny.
He reached them, breathing heavily, Leo obviously hadn't been keeping his body in shape. "Never run off like that!" he said to Josh and quickly turned to Kat. "You smoke?"
"No, it's not even mine. Anyway you started first."
"I did?"
"Yeah." She looked at the boy next to her and rolled her eyes. "Starting smoking when you're middle-aged. How pathetic." She said it quietly but still audibly. She looked back at Danny. "Anyway, what are you doing here?" She was afraid of him Danny realised, she was doing a good job covering it but the wariness was there, under the covering hostility.
Josh spoke up. "I want to go home."
Kat glared at her father. "Sure, I'll take you home." She said to Josh, without ever breaking eye contact with Danny, as though daring him to object.
"I have to talk to you." Danny said. Josh was too young to really understand how being ill could affect someone, make them behave in ways that weren't them. And he and Abbie's relationship hadn't been perfect, even before the surgery. But Kat had always been such a good kid, and smart beyond her years. He knew that if he could just explain it to her, she would understand.
"No, not interested."
"I know things have been strange and confusing lately. But everything-"
"Just leave us alone! You've already ruined our lives!" She had changed in a second from standing there arms crossed to flat out screaming in his face.
"But I'm so sorry. I can-"
"I don't care! I don't ever want to see you again." Kat grabbed Josh's hand and he followed her into the store.
Danny started after them but cigarette boy stepped in front. "I think you need to leave, now."
Danny stood and squared up to the boy, who stared back at the him, meeting his gaze. Danny wondered what this kid would do if he knew about his past, the things he had done. Would he be so brave then? He could kill him, right now, it would be easy. But no, all that was in the past. He would never do anything like that again.
He sighed, looked past the boy at the entrance to the ice-cream place. "Ok, just tell Kat to call me." The boy didn't move and Danny turned and walked back to his car. He sat there, watching until he saw Josh, Kat and her friend walking across the parking lot. They were talking and laughing and seemed unconcerned about him. He watched them get into a car and drive away. He had had some vague idea about following but he realised now it would only make things worse. Best to leave it, try again later.
Danny unlocked his door. He walked across the room, checking the place for any changes as he went, force of habit. He collapsed back on the bed. The edge of the bed, that didn't have piss soaked into it. He tried to clear his head and focus, figure out what was best to do next. But all he could think about was the pounding in his head, the churning in his stomach, the constant cold shivers running through him. He felt sick, really sick. He sat up with difficulty, each of his limbs felt like it had doubled in weight and the muscles ached from supporting him. He wanted to call Abbie. And he should tell her about Kat and Josh, let her know they weren't with him. He pulled out his phone out of his pocket and dialled.
Abigail's hello was hesitant, he guessed she knew who it was but couldn't ignore him while the kids were with him.
"Hi." He tried to make it sound casual and cheerful but it came out all wrong.
"What's wrong? Is Josh ok?"
"He's ok. He's fine. Well, we went to see Kat, and he decided he would rather come home with her. So I'm just calling to let you know."
"Oh for Christ's sake. She's thirteen. How can you be so irresponsible?"
"I couldn't stop him. He was scared to even be near me -" Danny's voice broke at that.
She sighed, paused for a moment. "Well what do you expect? After the way you've treated the kids, all of us."
"It's all been since the operation, hasn't it? It messed up my head. But I'm feeling like me again. I know things are going to get better. You still love me don't you?" He was rushing to get the words out, like saying them faster would convince her.
She paused again, longer this time. When she spoke her voice was uncertain. "Yes, of course I do."
"Then give me another chance."
"I can't." There was more certainty now.
"What did I do to you?" If Danny knew he could make it up to her.
"You let me know exactly how much I meant to you." Her voice sounded so calm it scared him, but there was pain underneath, a deep foundation.
"I didn't hurt you did I?" He could make sure he never did it again.
"That's not the point. There are worse things you can do."
When she paused he jumped in, he had to convince her. "If I could just talk to you. If we could meet, I could show you that I'm not that person anymore.
"I thought you didn't want to talk. I thought you didn't want to see me again." And now the bitterness was coming to the surface, leaking out. Danny was glad to hear it, at least she still felt something for him.
"I'm so sorry. For everything. I've just, I've been acting crazy, I've been… but I'm going to sort it all out. Don't worry." He felt like if he could just find the right words she would understand, but he was reaching for them and missing, ending up with lame excuses.
"How do I know you won't do this again?"
"It's not me. It's just the experiment. It messed me up. You knew there was a chance-" he needed to convince her, now.
"No, Danny."
"Yes." He could sound just as sure as her.
"It is you."
"It's not me, it's just-"
"Everything you've done. It's just been more extreme, crazy lately, but I think this is how you've always been deep down. This is how you used to act, every time you got drunk. It's that thing with Judy all over again, it's just more women this time." She paused. "Do you remember that time in college, after I told you I was pregnant?"
"I quit drinking. I did it for you." He felt indignant that she would bring something up from so long ago. It didn't have a bearing on now, all this was caused by Leo, not him.
"It didn't change the problem. Its still there Danny, all that anger. It's just under the surface. All that hate and resentment. You have so much anger in you. It's frightening."
"That's not fair. I've tried, I have worked so hard for this family." That was true. If he hadn't met her, if she hadn't got pregnant so soon, his career could have taken off. He could have been so much more than this.
"I know you have. You never miss a chance to remind me. You resent us so much. I can see it every time you have a bad day at work. You never believe me… But it's true. And when you lose your temper you're like a different person Danny… I just realised…it shouldn't be this hard." She was crying now. Danny wanted to scream at her that this wasn't him, that she was wrong. What she was saying had to be wrong. Because if it wasn't everything fell apart. Because now he remembered what Leo said, that he had created him, and if what Leo said was true, well Leo hadn't come from nowhere had he? But he could never hurt her. "I love you. That's what matters."
She caught her breath. "I don't want to be with you Danny."
"I can change."
"I can't let you in again, not after this. The kids will forgive you. That's what scares me. Can you promise them you won't do this again?" She was calming down now, sobs trailing off and growing further apart.
Danny felt like her calm could infect him across the telephone line. He wanted to get angry, and convince her she was wrong, but it was like all the energy, every argument had been drained from him. "No, I can't." He sat still as though waiting for her verdict.
"There. You see."
He put the phone down, hanging his head in his hands. He stayed like that for a few minutes until he realised that the shaking spreading through him wasn't from emotion, something was wrong with his body. He was cold all over, and tired. He wanted to lie down but he was afraid he would never get up again if he did. He stood up and went and looked in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, finding nothing in there he started checking through boxes, drawers, anywhere Leo might have hidden something. He told himself he was looking for some medication to help him with the side effects, but really would it be so bad if he found Leo's stash? He just needed something to get rid of the withdrawal symptoms, to take the pain away and let him see clearly.
Eventually he gave up and sat down on the bed again. Outside the window was a bright blue day. The world that had welcomed him earlier felt a million miles away. He checked through the phone till he found a likely text and dialled the number.
Danny passed the park, with the kids playing and adults relaxing in the sun. This place didn't seem so different to where he had spent the last few months anymore. Once the kid's laughter, the families having fun together would have cheered him up, given him hope for the future as though happiness were contagious. Now it meant nothing. It didn't matter if they were happy. It didn't mean anything for him. It didn't mean things were going to work out for him, or his family.
He watched the streets carefully as he neared the cemetery. Didn't want to run into a cop right now. His career was already over, but if anyone saw him doing this… But what had they already seen him do? He had a feeling there was still more to discover about Leo's train-wreck ride through his life. He was going to be dealing with the consequences for a long time. He slid the car into a space in front of the cemetery. There would be time to worry about that tomorrow.
He waited outside the cemetery. He could go to Michael, get tested, confess everything, he could start over again. He could go through everything, get his life back on track and there was no guarantee Abigail and the kids would accept him. And why should they after what he had done? No, what Leo had done. He had to keep them separate in his head.
Someone knocked on the car window. "Leo?"
Danny wound down the window.
"You Leo?" A skinny youth who demanded, not asked, but his eyes were wary.
"Are you Phil?" Danny asked. Stupid question. He could tell the man who addressed him was younger than the man he had spoken to on the phone
The kid looked surprised. "No." He walked away from the car.
Danny opened the door quickly. "Wait! I'm Leo."
The kid looked back, cautious, but seemed to decide it was worth the risk. "Felix. Phil's busy so he sent me."
Felix turned and walked into the cemetery. Danny followed along the path behind him. He glanced around him, with every step this was starting to feel like a worse idea. He was on the verge of leaving when the kid stopped and turned to him. Danny saw his hand reach into his pocket and relaxed when he saw it was just a rolled up brown bag.
"Phil said to give you this. He said you would pay for it now." There was something in Felix's tone that made Danny wonder if Phil had actually said that. Danny looked at the bag. It looked fairly full. Too much for one person. He didn't know how much that would cost but he doubted he had enough cash on him. Leo obviously wasn't buying this just for personal use.
"You want it right?"
"I told Phil I would pay him on Thursday." Danny had the impression that Leo and Phil had done business together before so that was probably feasible. He was on the verge of backing out now, caught between his body's need and his better instincts, and decided he would leave it up to fate. If Felix didn't believe him and walked away then no great loss.
"Phil's not going to be happy," Felix said, handing over the bag.
It wasn't far back to the apartment, and it was only when he realised the drive was taking too long that Danny noticed he had taken a wrong turn. He knew these streets so well he could travel them in his sleep. He was driving towards his old home.
He turned off and ended up on the street he had briefly stayed when he was running from the project. There was a moment when he couldn't remember if that had actually happened or not. Then he shook himself, no, this was just a street with some abandoned buildings on. He had never been inside them. But some doubt lingered, he knew this place so well. How could he feel like he knew every brick, what was behind every window if he had never spent time here?
The area looked like it was being demolished, lots of scaffolding up and buildings coming down. As he drove past one site there was a loud burst of drilling. He followed the diversions ahead, directing him around roadworks. This was taking too long, he glanced at the bag on the floor of the car next to him. The diversion was leading him back the way he came. He stopped at the wrong end of a one-way street. If he could take this it would cut out a lot of journey time. He checked it for vehicles and it seemed deserted so he headed on up. About halfway along the road a uniformed police officer stepped into the road ahead, and raised a hand to signal stop. Danny braked hard, a sinking feeling in his stomach.
The cop came to the window. "Did you know this is a one way street sir?"
Danny gave an embarrassed smile. "No, I didn't. I didn't see a sign. I'm sorry. I'll just back up." Every part of him was saying, don't look at the bag, but there it was, on the floor between him and the cop. His eyes were drawn to it like a magnet, but just for a second.
"Are you alright sir?" He couldn't tell if the cop had noticed or not.
"I'm fine." He made an effort to smile. He didn't know why he thought smiling would help. He wanted to look relaxed and at ease but he knew it wasn't working.
"Can you step out of the car please?"
"Is that really necessary? I'll just back up."
"Step out of the car please."
Danny opened the door and stepped out, stumbling and catching himself on the hood. The cop looked inside the car, just glancing over it, one hand on the door.
"I'll pay for the ticket," Danny said desperately.
The cop glanced back at Danny. "Put your hands on the car."
Danny did, watching as the cop leaned into the car, his hand reaching for the bag.
He did it without thinking, leapt forward, reached down to the officer's belt and grabbed the nightstick. Pulled it up, striking the man in the jaw on the upswing. As the officer's head snapped back Danny struck him again in the face. Then again as he fell to the ground and again and again until he stopped moving.
Danny pulled the still body off the road and onto the sidewalk. He jumped into the car and accelerated away. Had he really done it? Had he really killed someone this time? But he knew he couldn't think of that now. He glanced back as he pulled out into the main road. He couldn't see anyone, just the body halfway down the street. But he hadn't seen the cop when he turned onto the road either.
He drove back to the apartment, parked normally, and walked up the stairs, not rushing. He didn't meet anyone, and he was glad of it. He felt like if he did they would look straight at him and know exactly what he had done, no matter how calm he looked.
Inside he set the bag down on the kitchen countertop and turned on one of the hobs on the stove. Now he was home and safe, now was the time to try to think, to figure out what he had done, what he should do next. How he could put it right and how to sort out this whole mess. Instead he emptied some of the brown powder into a saucepan, more than he needed probably. It didn't matter, he didn't want to save any. Things had gone too far, there were too many obstacles to his old life. It was closed off room and now a new life stretched in front of him, one he didn't want. If he had lost everything here, he couldn't bring himself to start over, there was only one other option. He took the liquid off the heat and walked over to the bed, fishing the syringe from underneath it. He felt a moment of doubt as he filled the syringe. He looked at it and the ache in his body intensified, making his choice for him. He stumbled back and sat down, back against the bed and shot the liquid deep into his vein.