Authors Note: Hi everyone, sorry again that's its been such a long time for me to post these chapters. This chapter was a difficult one to write, and I'm sorry that it is such a difficult and sensitive topic. I hope it doesn't upset or offend anyone, and I'm not a doctor so I'm sorry if some of the details are incorrect!

I hope that you all enjoy it, it's an extra long chapter to tie you over until after Christmas! :D

The pain in my body had receded, due to whatever concoction was in the syringe Doctor Miller had injected me with before, but there was a fuzzy feeling in my head that I didn't like. I preferred my thoughts to be clear above numbing any physical pain. I could still weaken an attacker and figure out an escape strategy with a pained body and clear mind, but it didn't work so well if they were reversed.

I still couldn't open my eyes but I was starting to make out voices around me through the thick cloud in my head.

"She's going to be fine Barton, you need to calm down or I'll have you removed from the bay!" The stern voice of Dr. Miller cut through my haze and I quickly realized that they were talking about me, and more importantly, that Clint was there.

"I understand what you're telling me, I get that the surgery was a success! But what I don't understand is why she hasn't woken up yet?!" Clint's panicked voice reached me and I longed to reach for him and let him know that I was ok, but my body was yet to respond to the signals that my brain was attempting to send it.

"To be honest Doc, we are all wondering that at this point." The snappy voice of Tony shocked me, as I realized that all of the Avengers were possibly at my bedside. He'd sounded annoyed and stoic, very different to Stark's usual light demeanor.

"Doctor," Steve's calm voice cut through the tension that was obviously strained in the room, "when do you think that Natasha is likely to wake up from her anesthetic?"

"I would say it is likely to be in the next hour, when she does, please inform me straight away and I will come in to check on her and inform her of what has happened – Barton, you of course will want to help me, it may be better coming from you, and I will interject on some of the more complex medical details?" Dr Miller asked Clint, hesitantly, not wanting to have his head bitten off again probably.

"Of course. Thanks." Clint said quietly, sounding worried and even slightly embarrassed from his earlier outburst at someone who he considered a friend. Doctor Miller and Clint had known each other for a long time, and the Doc had been responsible for saving Clint's life on multiple occasions. Not to mention, he was in the field for a long time, doing many successful missions with Clint before a leg injury confined him to the S.H.I.E.L.D base, as he now permanently walks with a slight limp.

The sound of footsteps brought me back from my reverie, as silent filled my surroundings I was reminded of the situation I was in. I tried to remember how I had gotten to the medical bay, but all I could remember was the blinding pain in my stomach in the conference room. After that it was all hazy. I began to feel worried and slightly scared, it had seemingly come from nowhere. I hadn't felt anything was wrong at all before the debriefing, or at least nothing that would constitute this kind of treatment. The longer I thought about it, the more confused I became and eventually after thinking for what felt like hours, I must have drifted back into a drug induced sleep.

….

As I woke, I opened my eyes slowly, flickering my eyelids as I was met with the harsh white lights, which adorned the rooms of the medical bay. It took me a second to focus my vision before I saw Clint sat at the side of my bed, head in his hand, not really focusing on anything. I looked down to see that he had encased one of my motionless hands in one of his so I experimentally attempted to wiggle my fingers in order to get his attention.

As soon as he felt my fingers move beneath his, his head shot up and his gaze was instantly connected to mine, his face flicking through expressions so fast that anyone who didn't know him like I did wouldn't even be able to perceive them. Finally, his face seemed to settle into a mask of relief but mixed with a pain that I didn't understand.

His sudden movement had alerted the other people in my room to the fact that I had woken up. Immediately, Thor blocked the bright lights as he stood, towering at the foot of my bed, surrounded by Tony, Steve, Pepper, Bruce and Jane. I looked hurriedly around at all of them, shocked as to what could have happened to me that was so disastrous that they would all need to hold a vigil at my side.

I turned my head to Clint and opened my mouth to ask him what had happened, but before I could say anything Steve cut me off.

"How are you feeling Tasha?" He asked me gently, standing next to Clint. Steve and I had a good relationship; he was understanding and kind. I had been one of the main people to help him adjust to this new world that he had found himself in and we had formed a bond because of that. Which was precisely why I didn't rip his head of for calling me Tasha.

"Groggy, like my head has cotton wool in it." I replied, my voice coming out more gravelly than normal, as I hadn't had a drink in probably hours now.

Clint seemed to know exactly what I was thinking, as he reached over with his free hand and passed me a glass of cold water. I took it from him, giving him a grateful look as I greedily gulped down the liquid.

"I'll go and get the Doctor." Steve said quietly to Clint, holding his shoulder for a second as Clint nodded in reply before Steve moved to leave the room.

"What's going on? What happened to me?" I asked Clint quickly before anyone else had a chance to ask me any more questions.

"Whoa, slow down a minute, I'll tell you everything when the doc gets here, for now do you want some more water?" Clint said to me reassuringly, but there was something behind his eyes that portrayed panic, and it scared me. But I nodded slowly, understanding his need to have the Doc in the room before they attempted to explain.

Clint's statement seemed to hold some other meaning for the others as they slowly headed towards the door, each telling me that they were glad I was awake and that they'd be back later before exiting.

I handed Clint the empty glass silently, giving him a questioning gaze, which he did everything in his power to avoid as he refilled my glass from a jug by the side of my bed and handed it back to me.

Just as I opened my mouth to ask him again why I was there, I was again cut off as Steve and the Doctor entered the room. Steve looked at me, then Clint and back at me before giving me a sympathetic smile that I didn't quite understand, and leaving the room like the others had before him.

"Miss Romanov, how are you feeling?" Thomas asked me, still keeping up the 'Doctor' persona, even though he was now in the room with two of his friends.

"I feel fine Tom, just a little fuzzy due to the painkiller I assume you gave me? But what I really want to know is what happened that meant I was here in the first place. The last thing I remember was the pain in my stomach in the conference room, then waking up here." I blurted out, feeling desperate to get some answers from the two men in front of me.

"Tasha, this is really difficult for me to say, and it's going to be really difficult for you to hear." Clint said to me, tears filling his eyes and filling me with a dread that I hadn't felt since the day Coulson had told me he had been compromised.

Clint looked towards Thomas for support, who just nodded reassuringly at him, seemingly urging him to continue.

"You started to complain in the conference room that you felt sick, but Coulson saw through it. You got up to leave the debriefing but you double over clutching your stomach and then we all saw that blood had seeped through your jeans." Clint said, talking slowly to allow me to absorb the information whilst searching my face to garner my reaction.

I could feel the dread creeping up inside me as I looked back at Clint, there was one obvious explanation that crept to mind that explained both the intense stomach pain and the blood but it wasn't possible for me. Everything the Red Room had done, everything they had turned me into had made that eventuality an impossibility. But as I looked into Clint's eyes I began to think more and more that I was right, what else could make that pain in his eyes shine so prominently. As I stared at him, I felt a single tear begin to run down my cheek, but I worked hard to keep my face passive, refusing to believe it until they told me.

Clint's face crumbled slightly, Tom, seeing the almost imperceptible change in Clint's expression started to speak, sensing that Clint was finding it difficult to carry on.

"Natasha, we were forced to give you a blood transfusion to replace the blood that you lost, and after doing so we did a scan of your abdomen to see if the issue was what we all feared." Tom said quietly but clearly, I was glad that he hadn't stated the fear bluntly for me, he was well aware that I had realized what he meant from what Clint had told me. I continued to stare into Clint's eyes as I listened to what more Tom had to say.

"From the scan we were able to establish that…you had had a miscarriage, which had caused the severe stomach cramps and the bleeding." Tom said the words, clearly and in his classic Doctor manner, which all doctor's adopted naturally when they had to tell bad news to someone. As he said it, I felt myself begin to shut down. It wasn't possible, I had known from a very early age that I was unable to ever have children. The Red Room had ensured that all of their 'weapons' couldn't get pregnant as that would have compromised their effectiveness.

I felt the darkness start to wash over me, the unfeeling, blackness that I had spend so long utilizing as the Black Widow, before I had come to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. When I used to kill men for looking at me with lust in their eyes, when I got pleasure from slitting their throats for even thinking of me in that way, when the anger I felt at the Red Room for taking something that every woman enjoys having the choice to have away from me, was made slightly easier by torturing the marks that I was paid to kill. Clint had pulled me out of that darkness, but I wasn't sure if anything would be able to pull me back from this.

How cruel could the world be, to allow me to conceive a child that I never should have been able to have, only to rip it away from me before I was even aware of it's existence?

Thomas continued to talk at me but I barely registered the words.

"The reason why the pain was so intense and the blood so prominent was that you were 4 months pregnant at the time of miscarriage, which is unusual, most occur in the first 12 weeks of the pregnancy and most of the time are no worse than a heavy period. The reason for the miscarriage, we believe to be that the egg failed to attach itself to the lining of your uterus, which appeared damaged in the scan." I listened to the words but didn't allow myself to feel anything.

"We saw from the scan that some of the tissue had not been dislodged in the initial miscarriage, so we decided to operate on you, with consent from Clint, in order to remove it before it possibly became infected if it did not dislodge itself naturally. When we operated we found that your uterus had been damaged very badly, so using new medical techniques developed here at S.H.I.E.L.D we have repaired the damage as best we can. This may mean that in the future you will be able to conceive naturally and carry a baby full term." Tom said, a hopeful tone in his voice when the said the last part of his speech.

I registered the words and looked at Clint once again. There were tears running down his face but he was staring at me intently, looking for a reaction, but I knew that if I let him pull me from the darkness, then the pain would be too much to bare. So instead of listening to what Thomas had told me and taking the hope from it, I let myself be pulled back into not caring about anything. I turned my head towards Doctor Miller.

"When can I leave?" I asked him in a completely controlled voice, monotonal and uncaring. Doctor Miller looked shocked, he looked towards Clint, whom I could feel staring at me, but I refused to look at him.

"Um, you should be able to leave tomorrow, Fury wants to talk to you when you feel up to it as well. You will be quite sore for the next few days and I would urge you to refrain from any sexual activity for two weeks or so." Thomas said in his stoic tone, he gave Clint one last nod and threw a worried glance at me before leaving the room.

"I know what you are doing Tasha. I can feel it from here, I can see it in your eyes. And I'm not going to let you, because this is something that we have to deal with together. I refuse to lose you because of this, I wouldn't let you go in Budapest and I'm not going to let you go now. I love you and I'm so sorry that this has happened but Doctor Miller has given us the opportunity now to have children in the future – which we never though was an option! We are going to mourn the loss of our little one, together. I'm not going to let you retreat into yourself because it's easier, I won't let you." Clint said behind me, he didn't get angry or raise his voice. He just stated it in a factual manner.

"Look at me Tasha" He pleaded with me, a hint of desperation in his voice. I turned my head and met his gaze, and it brought me back. Just like it had the first time. And as I looked into his eyes, filled with sorrow and love and hope, I felt another tear run down my cheek. I felt the darkness receding, I felt the world around me again. But the world around me crumbled and the pain in my heart was worse than any physical pain I had ever experienced. I had lost my little one, before I even had a chance to know them.

"Why?" I asked Clint through my tears, begging him to give me an answer as to why this had happened to us. Was it a punishment for all that we had done? Was this God's revenge?

"I don't know. I really don't know." Clint said, allowing him to be consumed by our grief and he laid down on the bed next to me and encircled me in his arms.

Our sorrow consumed us both as we held each other and wept for the little one we'd lost.

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