Hello,

Little update; I've got accepted into art school and it's been pretty hectic so far. I'll try to upload as frequent as possible, but I can't make any promises. I'll try my best :)

(Disclaimer: I do not own The Walking Dead)

Enjoy! ;)

Chapter 9: Are you ready?

I complained before about how bad my sleeping rhythm was. After Henry entered the Alexandria Safe Zone carrying a dead Alexa with him, sleep was nothing but a memory.

The surgeon and only doctor and also Sam's dad said she needed to be reanimated. That was the last thing I heard before the door of what was the infirmary back then was slammed in my face. Carol ran with Henry and the doctor inside and was about to close the curtains when she saw me standing on the porch.

"Go" her lips formed behind the glass. Then I couldn't see a thing anymore.

I think I was in shock. The image of Alexa's lifeless body kept appearing before my eyes, so much so that I couldn't see where I was going. Somehow I ended up at my own house and sat down on the porch. I must've sat there for hours, only thinking about what I'd done.

I'd killed her.

I told her where to go without thinking things might not work out. How could I be so stupid? Why would I think that the world turned into a happy place with rainbows and unicorns? Nothing ever works out here.

I should've known.

Alexa and Henry arrived in the morning, by the time someone came to check on me it was already getting dark. All the while I sat there on the porch. I hadn't had breakfast because I stormed out after Michonne told me Aaron had returned from recruiting. I was used to sometimes not eating for hours, after having travelled on the road for months. I'd once even tried to convince myself to eat dog food.

But during the time I sat there I didn't feel anything. I only clips of her. Of when she was still alive.

The first time I saw her, in the woods. She was shocked to see me, and I was surprised. She hated me, for sure. In the prison, each time she accidently saw me in the room, she'd turn her face away from me, pretending to be busy with something else.

The first time I spoke to her. I saw her toy around with the dumbbells and some other exercise equipment on a deserted area of the courtyard. She continued to snap at me, asking me to leave, but I didn't. I wanted to know everything about her. Where she came from, what school she went to, where she used to live, what her favourite food was, her general interests. But she kept me away from her.

The first time we were outside the fences together. We had to run for our lives. She was constantly annoyed having me around, but it was only the two of us left. We got separated from the others, surrounded by walkers on each corner. She suddenly grabbed my hand, and I felt my body shudder. She started running, dragging me along with her like I was nothing more than a cloth. She kept running and running, dodging walkers from each side. She saved my life.

The first time we hung out together like normal people. We'd sit on my bunker bed, enjoying the silence, reading a book or a comic, talk about nothing in particular.

The first time she was actually mad at me. She wouldn't speak to me for weeks. I remember the way she smiled when we finally sorted the stupid argument out.

The first time I kissed her.

A mixture of these things kept going on in my head. Her smile, her frowns, her way of rolling her eyes, her laughter, her touch. All of it ended with the image of her dead in the arms of Henry. And it's all my fault.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, but it took me a while to realize it belonged to someone. From far away, I could hear a voice, repeating the same word over and over again. It took me a second to realize it was my own name.

"Carl?"

Slowly but surely, Alexa's face faded away, and I could see again. The sky was dark, most houses around us were dark as well. Blinking, I realized where I was.

My back hurt. Everything hurt. I hadn't moved for an entire day. As I changed position, my hand touched something cold. Looking down, I saw it was a plate. Mashed potatoes, some beans, corn. Tonight's dinner. Judging from the looks of it, it had been sitting there for a long time.

Looking up, I looked into my father's eyes. He sat down next to me, glancing at the still untouched plate, but didn't comment.

"Excuse my language" he said when shoving the plate away, "but you look like shit."

"Thanks" I mumbled back, and I almost got scared by the way my voice sounded. So monotone and cruel.

"It wasn't a compliment" my dad mumbled back. I shrugged. All of the sudden I felt so tired, a conversation with my father about nothing was the last thing I needed.

"I just came back from Pete's" he continues. Digging through my memories, I remembered Pete being Sam's father, as in the doctor. "She's still in critical condition, but…her heart is beating. It doesn't say much about her future, but…it's something."

I let it all sink in. I guess it's better than someone telling you that there is a girl that looks like the girl you're looking for had been seen alive. At least this was the real Alexa, who was also in real danger.

"Michonne told me about what happened this morning" my dad says after a while. I thought we were done with this. "I get that you're frustrated, but…you shouldn't have run off like that."

"Well, I couldn't pretend all of it was cool and funny" I said back. Michonne made it look like it was a joke, I couldn't appreciate that.

"She was just trying to cheer you up." My dad sighed, and I knew that meant he was going to give me a life lesson of some sort. I had yet to tell him I might be too old for that kind of stuff.

"Listen, alright? Remember what I told you, back at the farm? A long time ago, but you remember, right?"

I gulped. Of course I remembered. It was right after Dale had passed away. I'd hidden myself in the attic of Hershel's barn, because I couldn't stop blaming myself. I went outside the farm's territory, into the woods. Randomly, I decided to follow the river, to see where it would end up. At some point there was a mood stream across a cliff, with a walker stuck into it. Shane had given me a gun to protect myself, and even helped me learn how to shoot. I wanted to try it, just for once.

But then the walker managed to set himself free from the mud and started grasping at me. I managed to get away somehow, but not for long. That night, the walker found its way towards the farm, and Dale was the one to stumble upon him.

The old man was basically dead already when Daryl shot him. His body was torn apart, and it was all my fault for being so cocky. And apparently I'd learned nothing from it.

My dad found me sitting there, and I expected to get scolded for saying mean words to Carol, because I had, but instead, he told me something important.

That nothing is important. No one is important. Everyone is going to die someday, one way or another.

"And I need you to be ready for it."

When mom died, I wasn't ready. And I didn't think I was at that moment on the porch.

"Yeah, I remember" I said. My dad nodded.

"Then you know that this whole thing isn't your fault, right?"

I shrugged. "Maybe."

My dad somehow managed to grin. "I'm sure she won't blame you for it when she wakes up."

"If she does" I mumbled.

My dad grabbed my shoulder again, harder this time. "She will. Trust me."

Letting go of my shoulder again, he glanced behind him. Perhaps it was Judy who was calling out or something.

"Now please go to bed. We'll talk more in the morning."

The 'we'll talk more in the morning' – thing never actually happened. I woke up around noon, for some reason. I think both my dad and Michonne felt bad for me, so they let me sleep in. And apparently I needed it.

When I came downstairs, I found out no one was home. Even Judy was gone.

Feeling hungry for the first time in twenty-four hours, I grabbed myself some food and decided to go for a walk.

I felt calm. A total difference from the day before, when I just couldn't stop going from one traumatic incident to the other.

The streets of Alexandria were oddly empty. I wondered if I'd missed something, as if there was a meeting of some sort. Not that I would be invited anyway, my dad would have me watch Judy till it was over. Now that Judy wasn't home, I had absolutely no idea what to do.

Almost as if it was a habit, things were already decided for me. I hadn't even left the street or I spotted the blonde guy, Henry, sitting in the grass on the side of the road. It seemed like he was alone.

I approached him. Not sure why. I knew I shouldn't, because I'd want to ask him about what happened out there. I hated that question when I first arrived in Alexandria. Everyone here around my age seemed to think it was 'awesome' in a way. All except Enid, of course.

As I got closer, I noticed Henry was wearing a bandage around one arm, and his whole face was pretty much stitched up.

Apparently he didn't see me coming, because he didn't look up or anything, and when I started talking he didn't seem particularly interested either.

"You're Henry, right?"

He turned his head slowly to look at me, and then turned back to staring in the distance. "Yup."

"Is it ok if I chill here?" I continued, knowing he'd probably prefer to be alone. I sat here myself just a day ago. Although in the end I did enjoy having some company, especially someone who understands. Like Enid.

Henry shrugged. "Suit yourself, man."

As said, I sat down in the grass, leaving some space between the two of us. The food I'd taken from home was just some crackers and homemade jelly.

"You want one?"

Henry turned to look at my extended arm with the crackers, and then looked at me with a frown. "You serious?"

I nodded. "Yeah, man. We got enough."

I then realized it was odd to offer food to someone who'd been 'out there' for a long time. For example, when we first came here, we slept in one house altogether, just to be sure.

Henry seemed to realize the same thing, and cracked a little smile. "Right. Sorry. And thanks."

"No problem."

For a while all there was, was the sound of crackers breaking and chewing. And all the while no one walked by. I absolutely had no idea what was going on, and I didn't think Henry knew either.

When he'd finished eating, he turned towards me with a blank face. "Don't get me wrong, but I know what you're trying to do. You want to know all about the world outside these fences, no? Well, let me tell you; it's absolute-"

"Shit, I know" I interrupted, a little angry as well. "Our group has been here for, like, a couple weeks? You know Rick? He's my dad."

Henry blinked for a second, then slightly nodded. "Yeah, I know him. And the dark lady is with you as well?"

I assumed he meant Michonne, so I nodded. "Yeah, and also some other people walking around here."

"Then you must be…Carl, right?"