Chapter 10 – Jumanji Crackers

"L-Lady Amelia….is that really you?"

From the shadows, just as the group was going to enter Renvall, Orsin stepped out, spotting a "I Got Kidnapped and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirt.

"Sir Orsin! Wow, we were just talking about you!"

"Really?"

"Yeah. We were saying how loyal and clearly not treacherous you are."

"Uhhhh…..right! That's totally right. Prince Marry Sue and myself were held capture, but I managed to escape! See the merch? I'd be willing to show you to him."

"Thank you, Orsin!"

Jagen's bullshit meter was going off the charts. He quickly looked to Admiral Ackbar himself, eyes narrowed. He gave a thumbs down.

"This way! The prince should be this way…."

Once the whole group crossed the arch, Orsin stopped them, taking a (pretend) look around. "Okay. I don't see any guards. It was awful! For two whole weeks, Marry Sue and I were locked from the outside world…"

"N-No! Don't tell me you had to eat rats to survive!"

"Even worse, milady! We had to eat the hilariously bad cooking of anime tsunderes. Do none of these girls know to make human food?!"

"GASP!"

"G-Grado's after you, right milady? You've been hunted this whole way. Perhaps….yes, your bracelet! Maybe someone else, like a trustworthy guy like me….should hold it."

"Welll…."

Jagen got in front of her. "End this madness, Orsin, and drop your Pugi."

"E-Excuse me? That's against the Pugi faith! Uhhhh I mean, I'm CLEARLY unarmed, being a prisoner!"

"Your faith can't explain my questions! No reinforcements in the castle? You finally escape, yet your first action is come to us, not our prince?"

"My t-shirt!"

"It's a sham! DORCAS! Break down that wall!"

He did, but unfortunately, it was the wrong wall, so he just collapsed in pain. Jagen awkwardly knocked down the wall next to him, revealing the Grado Renvall Gift Shop.

"O-Orsin! Why?" Amelia demanded, shocked. "And 100 gold pieces for a t-shirt? You're mad!"

"Ssssh….ignore the ignorant goyim…." cackled the shopkeeper. Suddenly, Lucius and other Grado soldiers came up behind Orsin. You can tell they're bad guys, since the light under their faces dimmed.

"Sorry, Princess Amelia, but it must be this way."

"Stars above…." Amelia pushed back Bosswin and Gheb and sniffed a lock of his hair, which kinda creeped him and the other soldiers. "A trap, just like my brother. You've been in contact with him!"

"That's kinda hot," Slouise said casually. Calleach took notes.

"You lie!" Lucius swatted her away, shivering. "Prince Marry Sue has escaped. By orders of General Narcian, though, I simply spread the rumor he was trapped. ….that sounded redundant." He shrugged. "Anyway, I'm afraid we have to kill you now."

Orsin pressed a button to make the bridge behind them collapse.

"Pssst….boss?"

"Yes?"

"I mean, they're supposed to come to US. The throne, remember?" whispered one cavalier. "That's how it goes, right?"

"SIGH, interns. Very well! Do your best, Princess."

"Don't you mean worse, boss? Otherwise they'll win."

"You know, I never had this problem with Lord Raymond."

Far away, Raven sat in front of his Lucius shine, which had Lucius hairclippings, a picture, his socks, and a plushie he was rubbing.

"I said I was sorry…..I l-love you, Lucius…."

"Lord Raymond…."

"Okay, he's going into yaoi fantasy bishojo mode." Orsin coughed awkwardly. "J-Just take him and kill them. Bye!" He ran off.

"LIES! Traps are not gay!" Amelia protested.

However, the rest of the team didn't *quite* think the same way, launching into one of the most epic debates in recorded history.

XXXXX

"He's got a penis! That's gay, dude. Come on!"

"It's not gay to like cute things!" Franz argued. "THAT is the appeal."

"I thought it was the huge wang?" Belle asked casually. "I've read my fair share of uh….research."

"Clearly this peon doesn't know about the Dick Size-Cuteness Factor!"

"Oh shut up, Boulder!"

"Can girls be traps?" Nino asked innocently, which made things even more heated. Some said yes, some said a firm no.

"GUYS!" Amelia slammed the table. "We have to seize the castle! I'm so angry, I, I…..want to scream at a cat!"

"Boss has the right idea! Y'all can be total flamers on your OWN time!" Gheb shouted. "Let's murder!"

"YEAH!"

"Let's steal!"

"YEAH!"

"And let's give them a good dicking!"

"YE-huh? Gheb, we're not predators! Consent is important!"

"Cone-send-t? What the hell does that mean, woman?"

"It clearly means the right to give permission, you pig!" spoke up a new voice. "And another thing! This talk about traps is appalling! You people are treating crossdressers like they're objects!"

Jagen, Franz, and Bosswin all paled. It was their gender studies professor. Amelia would've too, but her face turned dark.

"Are….are you dissing traps, lady?"

"Lady?! The nerve. It's [current year]!"

"Well guess what. It's [current year] to not put up with your semantic bullshit!"

After throwing the professor off the bridge, Amelia's burning rage made everyone else quickly fall into line. Their footsteps were summoning goons from the left.

"Caellach, Franz, Bosswin….fend them off! And Jaffar, you steal their stuff!"

"AYE AYE!" they shouted.

"Milady…." Jagen watched in awe. Ahead, an armored knight was guarding the door, but all he could do was hold up his lance threateningly.

"Not gonna move, big guy?" the princess asked.

"Ha! I'm a wall!"

"Well….I guess we're the wall crushers. SLOUISE! XXL00TXX! BLAST HIM!"

"WAIT WHA-GURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Once he was dead, Amelia swiped the key and passed it to her phantom. She opened it up, only to die in a single hit, but Boulder plugged the gap. As the knights from behind tried to attack, Jaffar came back with a treasure trove of broken swords, wallets, and Dairy Queen coupons.

"Three….two….one….MARCH! OFFENSIVE WALL!"

Boulder pushed through, but any knight that tried to attack was pelted by fire and blitz spells. Jaffar ran past them and popped the chest.

"What is it?!"

"Angelic Robe?"

"GREAT!" Amelia held her hand up, and Jaffar threw it. She forced it on Nino, and the group pushed on.

Lady Amelia….is being COMPETENT?!

As luck would have it, to the west, Marry Sue and his knights rolled in.

"I hear fighting! It must be my sister!"

"Milord, why did we come back again? I mean, you heard the narrator, we somehow survived and escaped that crowd, even though we realistically should've died five feet in."

Edward chuckled. "At least that 7.8/10 guy is sipping food through a tube now."

"Because….I LEFT MY COUPONS HERE! ….and Orsin has left us! If we're to find Amelia, then so be it!"

The three charged on, but two cavaliers turned the corner to attack. Orsin charged and used THE POWER OF PURSUIT ™ to cause significant damage. The cavaliers wobbled in pain, but thanks to Marry Sue's dancing powers-

"NO! Are we really gonna die by a knight quadrupling us?!"

Arden blinked. "Uhhh…technically?"

"Fuck this, man! I did NOT go to henchmen school for that!" shouted cavalier #379. "They told us, they assured us knights were garbage!"

"THEY ARE!" shouted a sudden mage. "I'll prove it!"

However, before the fireball could hurt Arden, Edward used his automail arm to punch the fireball back into the mage's face.

"Oh come ON! You guys can't just defy the laws of physics!"

"Got news for you, then. Arden?"

"We serve….a gary stu!"

Cricket chirps.

"…..goddamn it, Arden."

Once the pack of armored knights were dealt with, the group was slowed by an attacking mage and Longblow user on the other side of the wall.

"Damn! How do we do this…?"

"Phantom baiting, Lady Amelia?" Franz suggested.

"Great idea, Franz!"

Five seconds later, the two attacks noticed two targets – a phantom, and Jaffar holding a blood soaked knife.

"S-Shit…."

"No man! We have to kill the tougher target!"

"But I can't help it! I HAVE to kill that spirit thing! It makes no sense, but it's my calling!"

The mage ran past and murked the phantom with Blitz, but just left Jaffar an opening to stab him in the throat. He looked up at Mr. Longbow.

"Uh, u-uh….DON'T COME any closer!" He aimed the bow. "I'll shoot at that green-haired girl! One shot should kill her."

"That's funny. One shot should kill you."

SPLAT

"…..oh, he's still breathing. Two shots then."

XXXXX

Franz and Belle hid behind two pillars ahead, just as a thief came up from the staircase.

"Oh nuts, a thief. Jaffar is too busy murdering to get treasure."

"We have to kill him, Belle!"

"Actually….I have a BETTER idea! What's the one thing thieves can't resist?"

"Sugar?"

"Too specific."

"Girls?"

"Still too specific."

"FREE STUFF! Watch!" Belle dragged Artur over. "Oh Mr. Thief!"

"No! I refuse to get beaten up again! You people are monsters! ….which is cruel irony!"

But instead of stabbing him, the thief lunged for the vulnerary tied to the spider's back leg. He stole it with ease, but that allowed Franz and Belle and finish him. Gheb and Caellach ran ahead to take on the soldiers.

"Come on! What's the hold up?"

"I don't know, they said they needed reinforcements!"

"Guys! Guys, it's this damned armored knight! Anyone bring a Heavy Spear?"

"No."

"No."

"A-Armorslayer?"

Arden looked happy as a clam. Dozens of cavaliers had spawned, but they were eternally blocked by his high defense – the one thing he was good at – so they were stuck, leaving Marry Sue and Edward to hone in on the treasury.

"There he is! Prince Marry Sue! GET HIM!"

Edward transmutated the pillars into wrapping around the attacking soldiers, then he punched them a few times, laughing evilly. Marry Sue picked the door lock.

"HEY!" the shaman guarding the chests stepped forward. "You still have me to deal with, Prince!"

"Very well! Have at you!"

He charged one of the most frustrating spells in existence: the dreaded Flux.

"Now…..TASTE THIS!" WHIRR WHIRR

In the time it took to travel across the floor, though, Marry Sue had already picked the chests and pantsed the shaman, got some Starbucks, and read the newspaper.

"IT MISSED?!"

Then Edward punched him.

"Sir Lucius, it's real bad! There's only three soldiers left, including you!"

"Well YOU were the one that suggested that I stay on the throne. Where's our reinforcements?"

They had quit henchmen duty out of total boredom. Lucius could only watch as the two groups down the stairs convened.

"B-Brother? Is that really you?"

"Sister…..yes, it's me Amelia."

Amelia jumped into his arms and hugged him. "I'm so glad you're safe! Oh kiss me, brother!"

"Amelia-"

"How did you get here?"

"I learned of your plight and raced back to save you. Looks like I was just in time."

"I'm so sorry….you STILL had to save me….."

"It's okay. Let's take care of the boss first."

The entire squad glared at the soldiers, and they immediately dropped their weapons and surrendered. Lucius, on the other hand, stood up.

"So….brother and sister have reunited. I suppose it's too late to make a good showing for General Narcian?"

"I mean…..we can dogpile you and probably kill you pretty bad."

Death in battle…..or death by Narcian? No….NO! I can choose a third option…..

LUCIUS LIGHTS UP THE COMPETITION!

"Oh thanks, Sakurai! We have enough anime characters!"

Masahiro Sakurai elected to quit video games later that year. Prease understand.

Once the 5mash trailer finished, a young green-haired girl walked up to Marry Sue. "Um….Marry Sue…."

"Oooh, who's this? Another member of our loli brigade? They're good at scaring off LPers!"

"Hahahaa…..this is Tiki, Amelia."

"Her hair….is green…..w-wait…."

"I can explain, later. We should reconvene back at King Hayden's castle."

On the way there-

"Brother…..do you remember Anthony?"

1.5 years ago, she and Marry Sue were in town with a young purple-haired mage with sunglasses.

"Sister, you're late! We can't go to EVO if you lag behind!"

"Don't scold her, Marry Sue. As long as you're there to see me take the title with my skills this year, that's all that matters."

Anthony was an expert at Super Smash Bros. Melee. That meant he abused ledge hogging like good skilled cheap players did.

"I was only late because I was listening to the town drunk, brother. Somethin' about evil monsters and other jank?"

"Ah yes, Father Wrys mentions it all the time."

"What the hey? So that guy isn't just a vulnerary?"

"Brother, you never listen to the teachings! How can you be king, like Simba or Darth Vader, with that kind of attitude?"

"Amelia, what's my name?"

Anthony snorted. "So what did you pray for?"

"Secret, Anthony!" She gave a not-so-subtle wink at her brother. Marry Sue, on the other hand, shrugged.

"I'll guess I'll pray to be even more awesome."

"That's so like you Marry Sue," replied Anthony with complete deadpan. "Me? …well, I'd like to be like someone I admire."

"Your father, ?"

"No sister. That weird socially awkward fellow."

"M2k! He's the Melee god I strive to be….maybe then Father won't blame me for his drinking problem and gold prices and our earthquakes…..and 'Nam."

"You think he approves of the Emperor's invasion?"

"Sister, the flashback ended 20 miles ago. You don't have to continue the conversation while I'm in the bathroom." Specifically, he was applying more lipstick.

"I can't believe he lost to a Kirby player…." Amelia flushed her stall, squealing when the water hit her butt.

XXXXX

Outside-

"AMELIA! MARRY SUE!" Caeda pulled them into a big hug. "You're safe! And only one of you has toilet paper stuck to your shoe!"

"Ooops!"

"Princess Caeda!" a soldier shouted. "Your brother returns from the front lines!"

Prince Takumi was impatient, insecure, and above all else, despised when someone tried to one-up him. But he gave a muted smile at his [pegasus knight] sister. "Caeda."

"Brother!"

"Marry Sue."

"Well met, Takumi."

"Amelia."

"Hullo!"

"Those Grado slugs had no chance against me. Now if Renais was half as sharp as me, we wouldn't be in this predicament!"

"Brother! Don't say horrible things like that."

"Sorry. Your dad's dead, now THAT'S horrible."

Caeda glared at him.

"Shush sister, men are talking. Father wishes to see you two in the war council. Do you want to attend? ….don't say no, I don't want to go back myself."

XXXXX

"So the news is….Grado wishes to destroy our stones," Hayden began.

"Yessir."

"Well I think we're good! I've strengthened the tower defense for ours!"

"KING H-HAYDEN!" a panting soldier ran into the room. "It's awful!"

Joshua and Selena reached the tower, but sadly Hayden's sign DO NOT ENTER – WEEB CONVENTION didn't fool the former. The latter, however, was giddy and already cosplaying as Miku.

"Hey! Why did you break down the door?"

Joshua ran inside.

"HALT! This is Frelia's sacred grounds! If you want to advance, you'll have to kill us!"

"You mean you nameless green units?"

"….aw poop."

By the time Selena reached the inside of the tower, all of the guards were dead and Joshua had crushed the stone under his foot.

"J-Joshua! We had orders just to destroy the stone, not commit mass NPCide! And there's not even any neckbeards worshipping my feet!"

"Sorry luv. Got a little too excited."

"How…." Hayden frowned. "How did you know the parts you weren't there for?"

"CRACKERS!" Amelia shouted. "Are you telling me Selena was evil?! She's my traveling BFF!"

"….."

"Anyway, all might not be lost." Marry Sue turned to Tiki. "Told them what you told me."

"I want to have your babies?"

"The….other thing," the prince murmured, catching Amelia's jealous looks.

"Oh. I sense a dark energy to the south. I was going to investigate with my companion Pent, but I got distracted by a churro stand…..then awful Grado men captured me and forced me to do….do…."

Caeda covered her mouth.

Takumi winced.

"their taxes," Tiki cried. "So much unpaid income tax….I'd like to investigate this dark energy."

"Prince, you said this was hopeful."

"Well, it means our world isn't TOTALLY going to be screwed over by Grado."

Hayden sighed. "Very well! We must warn the other nations of the world."

"I'll head to Jehanna post haste," Takumi boasted. "You can count on ME, and definitely not Marry Sue."

"Son, what's your name again?"

"Grrr…."

"And I'll go to Frelia!"

"Caeda, we're in Frelia." He turned to Marry Sue. "Do you think you can lead the assault to the west, against Grado?"

In anger, Takumi ran out of the room to jump start his task. Marry Sue nodded, but not Amelia.

"Hey! Let me be useful too! I can go to Rausten by sea!"

"Amelia….that's a little dangerous….and you're….kinda reckless and haphazard."

"As cute as you are, brother, your boipucci cannot save you from everything! We'll divide up our Renvall team and part ways!"

"Well…..if you're certain…."

The others all smiled, eager for adventure.

"Let's pick by throwing dodgeballs at them!"

Then they all cringed.

Team Amelia: Jagen, Franz, Caellach, Slouise, Jaffar, Nino, Bosswin

Team Marry Sue: Arden, Edward, Dorcas, Gheb, Artur, xXL00tXx, Belle, Boulder

What will happen to our heroes….?

FIN

Ending notes: both paths are going on at the same time. How am I gonna divide it?

Boy, Saber, Takumi, Julius, Pent, Elise, Haar (Amelia)

Caeda, L'Arachel, Jozla, Guzma, Lex, Gharnef (Marry Sue)