Epiphany

epiphany(noun)- a sudden intuitive perception of, or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something

It's win or lose, not how you play the game

And the road to darkness has a way of always knowing my name

Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart when I'm lying alone in the dark

Nobody knows.....

The last woman that I got pregnant I dealt with neatly and discreetly. She was a fling. She was one night. Of sake and desperation. She was beautiful. But nothing. And she wanted much more than that beautiful nothingness. She wanted days and years of devotion. She wanted 18 years of time. At least.

She wanted my "perfect nose". And my "cupid's bow mouth". She wanted my "bedroom eyes". And my "come to me smile". All to stick on some other little face. She wanted my kisses. And my hugs. And my love to give to someone else. Some little body inside of her. So far inside that even I could not reach it with my sex. So far inside that even I could not touch it. Or kiss it. Until it came out through the birth canal. But by then it would not be mine anymore. It would be another person all together. That could choose to love me or hate me. And demand nothing but love in return.

It was a greedy idea. And I wanted none of it. I didn't want It. It could have been as much mine as it could have been anyone else's. But she was certain.

So I baked a cake. I baked a cake for her. Because that was all I could think of to give. For what I was going to take away. I baked a cake.

It was black forest. It leaned to the left a little. And was flat on one side. It had whips of white icing. Dotted with cherries. She was allergic to cherries. I had hoped she would get the message.

She did get the message. Very well. Very clearly. And without doubt. When I showed up on her doorstep holding that cake. When I told her "get rid of it". She threw the cake in my face. And called me names that rubbed me raw. And I said that I was glad she understood. That this way was better. That it would be best if she didn't call anymore. That it wouldn't hurt as much. She slammed the door in my face.

She left me there. With cherries sticking to my cheeks. With whipped icing in my eyelashes. And the next time I saw her she was pin thin. And her stomach was a barely there board. She had been suctioned. And she wouldn't look me in the face. That was the last time. I have been very careful since then. But now.

Now. Now what am I going to do? Now what can I do? It's Kurenai. It's Kurenai. And not one night of sake and desperation. It's Kurenai.

Next to me in bed Anko turns over. She turns over to face me. She insists on keeping the windows in the house up. So the dark gets in. So the moon gets all over her. She looks pale white. Except for the shades around those closed eyes.

The wind has blown her hair out. Strands of it stick to her mouth. Stick to her lips. They are wet and open. After every breath a low throbbing noise comes out of her mouth. She hums even in her sleep, now. She hums at me. Now. Even while her eyes are closed.

I put my arms around her. Her cold white skin. I pull her head on my chest. And she hums directly to me. Now. Directly to me. Now, I get it. Before I thought "I am always here." Now I get it. But it is a long tiresome moment before I realize that the throbbing noise is in my head. That I am hugging a pillow to my body. Just a pillow. Because Anko is not here. She has not come back yet.

She will not come back.

Now, I get it. Kurenai. A baby. A real live freaking baby.

God?

If anyone is listening I will dream. Tonight I will dream of being pregnant again. This time it will really be a baby. It will have little baby fingers. Long and thin. And slimy like tentacles. The little baby fingers will wind around my neck. Like tentacles and squeeze. It will have little baby eyes. Large. And Sharingan red. Failure red. God.

My cheek is wet with tears. In my mind's eye they are pressed to the top of Anko's head. In my mind's eye her hair gets plastered to my cheek. And my body shakes. But my arms are still around her. Her mouth is still humming. But her eyes are open. Now. She sees the tears but not the reason. She says "Kakashi." mistaken.

She will not come back.

They say you become a new person every 7 years. Someone different. But I wouldn't know. They say having a baby changes your life. They say loving a child is a whole new kind of love. Unselfish and unconditional. A love you give taking nothing. But how do I know? God? I've never had that. I've never known that love, God. I've never done this. God. I wouldn't know.

Thank my beautiful neighbor for introducing my family to freshly imported German black forest cake with cherries and whipped icing on top. ^.^ Thank Kakashi for bad life choices and half-prayers half dribble. And thanks to you all for taking time out to read this little story of mine. I decided to include definitions for the titles of both this chap. and the previous one because I think Dividends is a weird title and wanted to kind of explain where it came for. Also I don't think many people out there know what an epiphany is so....anywayz 3. Time is winding up for the somewhat dismembered KakaKure. There are a few chapters left in the whole story. DUNDUNDAAAAAAAA! Review as usual plz.