Saturday 10th January
"My head hurts." I complain, I really shouldn't have drunk so much last night. Jesus, I haven't had a hangover in God knows how long.
Grace just laughs as she passes me a glass of orange juice and two white pills, I don't even ask what they are, desperate for anything to help this pounding in my skull.
"What are your plans for today?" Carrick asks as he feeds James, I've been ordered to sit and allow the grandparents to do everything this morning as technically I wasn't even supposed to be here.
"Well I need to get home, pick up the car then pick up Luke and Hannah and drive us to the kids play group." I reply. "The I have to get home to meet the Taylor's new little one."
"Of course, Gail told me they were adopting a little girl, how wonderful." Grace beams as she hands India a sippy cup.
"I know, she's only just older than India, it will be nice having another Child running around the place." I smile, I'm so happy that Gail and Jason are having another child, they're amazing with Zachary.
"That's wonderful. Are you planning on changing before getting to the playgroup?" Grace asks and I know its because I'm in the clothes I slept in, which are the same clothes as I went out in.
"Yeah I've asked Carrie to put a pair of jeans and a tank on my bed for me, won't take me long to change while she watches the rascals for me." I reply as India tries to climb onto my lap. "Ok baby girl." I laugh pulling her up to me. She can be so clingy sometimes and I know it's worrying but I have spoken to a child behaviour specialist that thinks it's residual from losing Christian, she may not remember it at all but there is something in her brain that says someone went away and never came back.
"Good, no offence but you look a mess." She teases and I laugh, I know I do.
After the kids are washed and dressed Grace states that she will drive us back to Seattle. I know she just wants time to talk as I was going to ask Carrie if she'd drive to pick us up and I'd drive the SUV back.
"So how is everything being back at work Ana?" Grace asks, breaking the silence as we hit the I5.
"Oh it's ok… hard, I miss the kids like Crazy when I'm gone but I'm managing it all." I reply truthfully. I have learned there's no point lying to Grace as she sees right through it.
"And the single?"
"Ready for release. But I'm not so sure I'm ready for it to be released." I say quietly, peering out the window so not seeing the confusion and worry over my mother-in-laws face.
"How come?" Grace questions, probably wanting to hear my reasons why first before she tells me I'm being silly.
"I guess I'm just not ready for that life again." I shrug. "I knew music was what I wanted to go back into but the lifestyle, the fame, the travelling… I'm a single mother Grace, I don't know if I can manage all that."
"Oh now Ana." Grace sighs, I knew she'd be disappointed in me if I told her but I needed to tell someone who wouldn't shrink me, someone who just maybe advise me. "Look at all those famous single mothers out there, there are so many who have such successful careers doing everything they need to do with kids in tow and you can do it too."
"I just don't want to be selfish I guess." I shrug. "I mean the kids are my everything Grace and I don't want to be unsettling them for my career."
"What you mean when you travel?"
"Exactly, it's hard enough that I'm back in work, gone from nine in the morning till five in the afternoon five days a week." I explain, I know I've confused them even though they seem to have settled into the new routine nicely.
"Oh dear Ana, I can see your predicament but can you imagine what you would do if you didn't do this?" Grace questions.
"I just don't know what to do Grace. I mean, I can't stay away from them when you have them for one night so an overnight away without them is out of the question." I reply trying not to cry. "I need him Grace, everything I did was with his support and now I'm on my own… I just don't know what to do or where to turn…"
"Oh dear Ana, please don't cry." Grace states quietly, I know it's because she needs to concentrate on driving but I can't help it.
"The three years I had with him Grace… he guided me with everything. I was never able to be unsure because Christian would just make the decision for me. I never had to make hard decisions for myself and it sounds so pathetic that at twenty four years old I have to learn to do that. It's so bloody stupid."
"It's not stupid." Grace says firmly, she knew what Christian was like so she knows I'm not lying and that this is something hard for me to overcome without him.
"I just don't know what to do and he's not here to tell me either."
"Well what do you think he'd tell you?" Grace asks and I sigh, that is the problem, I'm not sure what he'd say. I mean Christian became very supportive of my career and stopped wishing I would be a stay at home from when I wrote the books and then the music career was his idea. He gave me everything I have and by not going back to music earlier I often felt I was letting him down because he gave me that, he gave the opportunity to be a singer and I owe all of that to him. In otherwords I think Christian would have wanted me going back to music sooner and getting on with my career. I just still don't feel that answers what to do with the kids. I mean not being able to do a night without them is bad, but I know if I keep trying with Grace that could come in time. However, more than one, a hundred odd miles away… I just don't know if I have the strength to do it and that's nothing to do with Christian, it's more to do with his death than anything else because I managed it when India was a baby and I was on the fifty states of Fifty shades book tour.
"Christian wanted me to do music. So whatever I do Grace I want to keep to that, he gave me my career on a platter and I just did what I could with it. I was lucky that it even worked." I reply honestly.
"Christian may have opened the door Ana but it was your talent and your dedication that made your career what it was when he passed." Grace tells me sternly and I decided not to argue with her.
"Maybe I could just try and work out how to do it without unsettling the kids to much. Maybe do it like a holiday, take Carrie with me and then taking big gaps between each travelling so the kids don't miss or forget home too much?" I suggest thinking it's the only way I could do it without disrupting their lives too much.
"What you mean like do a week in New York then take a month off before going to London?" Grace asks.
"Well not off but in Seattle." I reply weakly, this is my predicament, I can think of a thousand reasons that could be bad.
"I think that's a good way of doing it." Grace states kindly and I smile, I'm so grateful to her for supporting me even through her own grief and I know she isn't doing it just because I'm the mother of her grandbabies.
When we pull up outside the house Grace rejects my offer of a cup of tea, which I'm quietly grateful for. I mean I only have half an hour before I need to be picking Luke up.
I'm nearly 10 minutes late when I finally pick up Luke and Hannah and by the time he gets her strapped in we're running far later than I would have liked to have been.
"So when did you pick the kids up?" Luke asks, knowing it would probably be the reason for my lateness.
"I actually kind of ended up there last night." I say blushing but Luke just laughs which is nice because he's probably the only one who isn't scolding me.
"I did that the first time Lois had Hannah over night for me so that I could just have a night in, I drank way too much and started wallowing. It gets easier Ana, I promise." He says leaning over and giving my leg a small squeeze. I smile at him, grateful to him because he really is the only person who can understand what I'm going through right now.
We meet with Kate outside the playgroup and take the kids inside, we love coming here. It gives the kids plenty of time to play with other children and it allows us to socialise with other parents while the kids play.
I love coming here even when Luke and Kate aren't available, I get to see my kids be normal with other children. Here is the place I've really been able to teach my kids about sharing and not hitting other kids and being kind to new children. These are lessons I had feared teaching my kids as I didn't know how to do it, but when it came down to it I have had the pleasure of teaching those lessons in a calm and caring environment without raised voices or angry shouting.
"Ana what's going on in that head of yours?" Kate asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
"Just how nice coming here is, I love bringing the kids here. Did you have a chance to speak with Grace?" I ask, I won't encourage her to go into detail with the people around but I just want her to know that I do care and I haven't forgotten.
"She's going to try and speak to Elliot about it for me, thankfully, I don't know what I'd do otherwise."
"I'm glad to hear that." I say smiling.
"Have you thought what you're going to do with work?" Kate questions, I know she means touring and stuff with the kids in tow.
"I going to try, take the kids with me at first see how it goes. I don't know right now what would be easiest Kate I just know I need to do this, I know this is what he wanted me to do otherwise why encourage me and giving me Grey Records?"
"I agree." Kate says and Luke nods at me too, he usually just listens and takes in during these playdates but I know he will comment or contribute when necessary.
After the playgroup Luke and I get the kids into the car and head for my house on the sound, he always comes in after playgroup so that Hannah, James and India can keep playing while he and I chat. He's been my greatest support this past year, not that I'd tell anyone that. It was only a few months before Christian that he lost Hannah and we've been able to share our thoughts and feelings with each other.
Like that time I had been in the meadow with the kids, it was a beautiful day and I thought lunch outside and playing would do them some good… I was convinced I heard Christian whispering my name. I could feel him too, right beside me, looking at me. I remember calling Luke in a mess, it had been too soon to hear or feel anything like that and I couldn't handle it.
"What are your plans for next week?" Luke asks as I drive us back, I know he's just asking to be friendly and make conversation and it's nice, Luke rarely hangs out with me as my security now, that role having transferred to Taylor but Luke does come with us when I have the kids because I'd rather the two men I trust the most than anyone else.
"I don't know, work mainly I really have to get the rest of the album sorted and stuff. What about you?"
"I was going to ask if you'd like to go for lunch." He says quickly, his eyes on my face though my eyes are on the road.
"Luke are you asking me on a date?" I ask awkwardly, praying to God he's not. I'm not ready to date and Luke is my best friend and my security and that would just be one big mess.
"Not exactly, I just feel that we don't see each other as much anymore and I thought as friends without kids we could have lunch and catch up. I've missed you this past year Ana, you're my best friend you were my wife's best friend and I have really missed having you around and being around you." He states casually and I swallow hard, he knows how to bring a lump to my throat doesn't he?
"Ok, just as friends, maybe Wednesday? I'll book us a private room at the mile…"
"No, let me choose where?" He asks and I nod, I thought he said it wasn't a date.
I drop Luke and Hannah off and head for home, feeling nervously excited. I know now that I'm going to get to meet Jason and Gail and their new little girl. I animatedly talk to India and James about Jason and Gail's new little girl on the way home, I don't know how much of it makes sense and I do have to explain to them that she's older and stuff but at least they're not going to be completely unaware of the little girl at their home.
It's a struggle getting the two of them out of the car and into the house. I always take India out first allowing her to run to the door while I get James and the bag, it's always the way it's done and they know it. Thankfully I don't have to put up with tantrums because I stick to a routine.
Taylor opens the door for India as she knocks as I put James on my hip before making sure the car is locked. I look at my bodyguard and friend and he beams at me, I know his little girl is home and I can't wait to meet her.
"Hello Ana." He says as soon as I step in through the front door.
"Hey Jason, everything ok?" I ask, he knows it's a subtle hint towards the little girl he's bought home today.
"Gail is in the living room." He explains, I knew that they would be waiting in the house for us to arrive home so that we could meet her immediately and I must admit I'm so excited.
I walk into the living room to see Gail sat with a blonde haired little girl on her lap, cowering shyly away from India. The poor mite, she doesn't know where she is or what's going on!
"Ellie this is India." Gail says quietly. "India wants to be your friend."
Ellie, beautiful name for a beautiful girl. I put James down on the floor and allow him to crawl around before I go over to India who is just staring at the blonde haired toddler.
"India are you going to say hello to Ellie?" I encourage, hoping to make it easier on the little girl who looks like a lost puppy.
"Ellie." India says pointing at the little girl. "India." She says pointing at herself. "Hello Ellie." She smiles. "Hello India." She nods, encouraging the little girl to say hello too.
"India." Ellie copies making Gail and I smile broadly, it's too cute for words.
"And that's James." Gail says pointing towards my son who is too busy playing with the keyring on my purse to pay any attention.
"James." Ellie repeats again.
"And I'm Ana." I say kneeling down in front of Gail. "Hi there Ellie. You're a very beautiful little girl."
"Ana." Ellie copies giving me a timid smile. I turn to Jason and give him a broad grin. "Zach?" Ellie asks?
"Zach's just gone to the bathroom, he'll be back in a moment." Gail tells her, the poor child seems like she doesn't know what to do with herself. To be honest, other than introduce myself I don't know what to do either, when Zach came over for the first time he was so intrigued by India who he'd been told all about he was very talkative and it made it far easier.
"James, come say help to Ellie." I call to my son, hoping another child will interest Ellie but James is far too preoccupied.
"I two." India tells Ellie making me smile, she's so bright.
"I free." Ellie replies.
"You bigger." India grins making Gail and I laugh a little, it's too cute. I had no idea how India was going to react to another little girl coming into the house but I don't think it's going to cause too much of a problem.
"Zach bigger." Ellie replies just as the little boy comes into the room.
"Look Ana, my sister!" Zach exclaims excitedly as he rushes in for a hug from me.
"I know isn't she beautiful?" I exclaim scooping him up.
"Yes the bestest sister in the world!" He proclaims before giving me a big squeezy hug. I'm so happy that this is going well, I couldn't have asked for better. "Ellie would you like to play with me and India and James?" He asks as soon as I put him down. Ellie looks to Gail, who nods softly that it's ok for her to go. The little girl only needed that response before she climbed down from Gail's lap, happy to play with her new found friends and family.
"Everything ok?" I ask Gail taking the seat beside her.
"Perfect Ana, just perfect." She replies grinning widely. I just hope it will all stay like that.