"It's hard being left behind. (...) It's hard to be the one who stays."― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

You kept your eyes on Netero and the old man stared back with a blank expression. But he couldn't hide the spark of mischief dancing in his eyes that revealed how much he enjoyed this. Meanwhile, the room buzzed with confusion over your declaration, wondering if it was a joke. Someone thought you were scared. Menchi thought you were being ridiculous. You ignored it all—their murmuring, their questions, even the 'what the hell is she doing?' from Killua.

Netero leaned forward, cupping his hand to his ear. "Eh, what was that?" he asked as if he hadn't heard you the first time. Your eye twitched.

"I. Forfeit," you enunciated each word carefully so he couldn't claim ignorance again. "If this exam's goal is to weed out the loser, then I volunteer to be that person. That'll save us a lot of time, don't you think?"

The chairman nodded, tugging on his beard while looking away. "I suppose, but it is rather unconventional…"

Of course, that was why you were doing it. You knew the types of games the chairman liked. It's why he chose someone like Pariston as his vice-chairman. And why he arranged these "interesting fights". You were confident your plan would work. Once Netero stopped playing around, that is.

"Why stall the inevitable, chairman? I'll simply forfeit every match if need be."

"It is a shame to see all my hard work go to waste…" he mused. His eyes met yours for the briefest second, and you saw the slightest hint of amusement in the curve of his eyelids. He was only stretching out the decision to make you uncomfortable. Or to see how desperate you really were.

Netero's sudden booming laughter made you flinch. Everyone else stared at the chairman, confused by his outburst. "All right, then. You're dismissed," he said with a wave of his hand. "As for the rest of you, it seems you've all passed!"

You inhaled sharply, closing your eyes to hide the irritated roll of eyes. Instead, you bowed your head and walked away, ignoring the complaints launched over Netero's anti-climactic choice. You were halfway to the exit when Killua grabbed your wrist and stopped you.

A crease formed between his eyebrows as he looked at you. "Are you sure about this?"

"Isn't it a little too late for that?" you asked, making him frown. Out of the corner of your eyes, something green caught your attention. Gittarackur was staring at you both. You quickly turned away, heart pounding at the sight.

He hadn't wanted Killua to pass or make friends out of some twisted concern of his brother's safety. And you'd put a wrench right through those plans. Did he hate you? Would he go after you?

Or would he take it out on Killua?

The thought steeled your resolve to not give him the chance. Illumi was too strong to fight against, but you weren't completely helpless. Your vague wish placed you at the bottom of this world's hierarchy, but you still had knowledge of this world and its inhabitants. Even from such an unfavorable position, you could manipulate the pieces to work in your favor.

Upon forfeiting your license to give Killua his win, you'd taken the role of the Swindler. Not afraid to sustain your own losses for victories while taking unexpected moves.

Like the one you made then, yanking Killua forward by the collar and planting a kiss on his lips. You felt him stiffen at the intrusion and heard various gasps and protests from the others. With only precious seconds remaining, you set your plan to action.

The shadows under your clothes gathered around your free hand and formed claws. You could feel the slight aura coming from your target. In one swift movement, your hand pierced Killua's head. He shoved you away and you stumbled back. Blood stained his white hair trickled down his forehead while he glared at you, nails sharp and ready to attack. The guards had run towards the two of you but stopped halfway, unsure of what to do.

Before he could say anything, you revealed the small, thin needle in your hand.

"Was that…?" he began, his anger giving way to confusion as he reached up to feel his head.

You threw one last look at Illumi, before tossing the needle at Killua and marching out the double doors.

The hallway was deathly quiet, with only your footsteps echoing against the polished tile floor. You walked over to a set of upholstered chairs, wanting to sit down, but you couldn't bring yourself to stop. You kept walking, faster and faster until you broke into a run. You wanted someplace to hide after your little rebellion. It was hard to tell if Illumi cared whether the needle was removed or not. But he'd definitely cared that you knew it was there. The thought of him torturing you for that information made your stomach roll.

You used Nen to break into an empty room and hid inside. You walked around, drawing every curtain closed until the room was steeped in darkness. Then you pressed yourself against a corner and hugged your knees to your chest.

For the first time since the third phase, your hands trembled as the weight of everything crashed down on you. Not just Illumi, but next year's exam where your friends wouldn't be able to help you out. And after that, Hisoka's invitation to the Heaven's Arena, the Troupe and the Ants. The devil still had its moves to make and you knew they weren't going to be like small ripples anymore. They'd grow into tsunami waves that would crash against you until you fell.

Getting stronger was no longer an option, but a necessity. Strong enough to deal with everything coming so you wouldn't break like you almost did after the Tower.

Tears fell down your cheeks and you hastily brushed them away. You'd tried so hard to suppress all your fear for the exam, but now that it was over, it all rushed back. A trembling laugh escaped your lips. How could Gon deal with all this and still look forward to it? No wonder he was the protagonist. Any normal person would've collapsed under the pressure. You certainly wanted to.

Even so, you didn't regret your decision back there.

Bodoro lived, your friends passed, and more importantly, Killua didn't have to suffer. Giving up your license was well worth it.

(Is it worth your crumbling sanity?)

If you were being entirely honest, you wanted to go back home. Back to the world you'd come from where you didn't have to fear for your life every waking moment. No matter how dull you'd thought it was, all you wanted to do was get it back.

You wanted everyone to leave you alone. Hisoka. The devil.

You felt the shadows creep around you, enveloping you like a blanket. And you welcomed it. This power was all you could rely on. You needed it. It was a part of you. Only it could protect you from everything in this world. Something that no one else could do. Not Gon, not Killua, not Kurapika, and not even Leorio. The void would always welcome you and embrace you when you needed it the most. Here, nothing could reach you to hurt you. Not even your sins.

Time had no meaning here. Life had no meaning. Nothing mattered except the void and everything it promised you. Power, purpose, safety… All it wanted was you. Your body, your heart, your soul. The void would never leave you.

And you'd never leave the void.

.

.

.

.

.

"The Hunter Exam is too dangerous for someone your age, Raven. I absolutely forbid it."

"Whatever. You're not even my real family."

.

.

.

"This place is dangerous for someone like you. You never know what you might find here~"

Maybe…I deserve to die.

"You can repay me when you're stronger."

"I don't want to fight."

"I'm afraid we don't have a choice."

"Why did you want to become a Hunter?"

I don't.

"And make a deal with the devil~? That never ends well."

"I'll do everything I can to help you get out of here safely."

"You…would?"

"I promise."

I want to go home.

.

.

.

"I know I can't stop you from going. But, whenever you're ready to come home…I'll be waiting."

.

.

.

"I love you, Raven. Never forget that."

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[…..]

It felt like you were floating deep in the ocean, weightless and cold. You don't know how long you'd been here, but it didn't matter. Lying there felt so good. Just lying there felt so good. It was like all your energy drained away and all you could do was lie there. But it wasn't so bad. There were no exams here. No maniacal Hunters out to get you. No worries about making the wrong moves. You felt safe.

[….!]

After a while, you started hearing something like muffled static. Feeling touches that never quite reached your skin. You tried opening your eyes, but your eyelids felt heavy. Your body felt so tired.

[…ven?]

Your brow twitched at the sudden pressure on your shoulders. Everything began to shake around you, slightly at first before it became more urgent.

[…RAVEN!]

You jolted awake, head reeling as you tried to orient yourself. You weren't floating in a void, but lying on a bed. It took a while for you to remember where you were. The hotel of the final phase, inside the room you'd taken refuge in. Except someone had turned on all the lights and you had to blink to adjust your eyes.

"Oh, good. You're awake." It was Satotz, sitting on a chair near the bed.

"How long have I been out?" you asked, pushing yourself upright. You noticed someone had taken the time to clean Killua's blood off your hands.

"A couple of hours," he replied and closed the book in his hands. He pulled the chair closer to your bedside. "The chairman asked me to watch over you."

"What happened?"

"It seems your Hatsu got a bit out of control for a moment. The chairman was the first person to notice and asked us to help. It took us awhile to finally pry you away from the wall."

"Huh?"

"You were cocooned within your Hatsu," Satotz clarified. "Like a spider's egg, if you will."

"Oh. Well, thank you, I guess." You knew your powers sometimes activated subconsciously when you felt danger, but what Satotz described seemed like something else entirely. And you couldn't even remember it happening. The last thing you were aware of was your desire to go home. After that, it was all a huge blank.

"I strongly suggest you find a teacher to help you get your abilities under control."

"They are," you said, frowning at the implication. "This is the first time something like this has happened. I'm sure it was just stress."

Satotz sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Miss Valderburg, your aura is very peculiar and quite frankly, the other examiners and I find it worrisome."

Your heart clenched and you looked at him carefully. Did he know? You had to be very careful about what you said, just in case. "What do you mean?"

"It's not common for applicants to already know Nen prior to taking the exam, but it's also not unheard of. Naturally, we examiners pay closer attention to those that do. During this exam, we had three applicants that fit those criteria. Gittarackur, Hisoka Morow, and of course, you."

Something about being lumped in with those two felt sickening. You pushed the thought down forced yourself to focus on what Satotz said.

"Out of those three, you were the most unexpected," he continued, pointing to you. "We've seen child prodigies before, especially during this exam. But a child with almost fully developed Nen abilities?" He shook his head.

Your fingers tightened around the bedsheets. "Surely there must've been more?"

"Again, not unheard of, but certainly rare enough to catch our attention."

"What does this have to do with my aura?" you asked. Your nerves felt like they were wound tighter than a fishing line. Did he know about your deal? Did he suspect? You needed to find out how much he knew.

"Miss Valderburg, who taught you Nen?"

You sighed heavily. "Just get to the point."

"Please answer the question," he countered. "I assure you it's relevant."

"The man who raised me did. My…adoptive grandfather, I guess." Satotz sat back and hummed thoughtfully at your answer. "What?"

"There is something malicious about your aura, though not oppressive. But it is worse than any we'd ever felt, even from some of the most dangerous Nen users," he replied. You felt the color drain from your face at his words. "We've noticed this since the beginning of the exam. Initially, we thought perhaps it was due to a curse or parasitic Nen, but you wouldn't be able to control it if it was. Buhara suggested it might've been the fault of your teacher. However, the chairman assured us that Ricarius was a good man."

"He was," you said, dropping your gaze to your lap. "He is. It's me who's not."

"I'd like to think that I'm a good judge of character," Satotz added. "And I can tell you that the aura does not match the type of person you are."

You looked up at him. "Really?"

"As I've said, we've been watching every single applicant closely since the beginning. We had our doubts about you, to be honest. That perhaps your demeanor was nothing more than a façade to trick your opponents. But as the exam went on, you proved us wrong. Almost every action you took was to benefit your friends rather than yourself. You're a good person, Miss Valderburg. Don't ever doubt that."

You certainly didn't feel like a good person. Sure, you'd helped your friends, but you'd also done some selfish and horrible things. The wish was the biggest one. Abandoning your old friends and family to live out a fantasy that you didn't want anymore. Then you'd killed a man even when he tried to tell you he'd lied. You'd thought some pretty horrible things about Ponzu on the Island. And when you arrived here, you were horrible to the person who cared for you and taught you the Nen that saved your neck out there.

"That's why the other examiners and I worried," Satotz said, bringing your attention back to him. "We've never seen someone's aura differ so much from a person's disposition. And the earlier incident only seemed to confirm our suspicions. So once again, for your sake, I'd advise you to find a teacher that can help you get a better handle on your abilities."

"I know," you replied feebly before clearing your throat to answer more clearly. "I mean…I will. Thank you, Satotz-san."

He reached inside his suit jacket and pulled out a pen and small memo pad. He jotted something down before ripping off the sheet and handing it to you. "This is the number to someone who I think can help you with your training. Of course, you're free to choose a different instructor if you'd like."

You nodded and slipped the paper into your pocket. It was probably Wing-san's number. But you'd end up meeting him anyways since you had to go to the Arena per Hisoka's deal.

"Has everyone else left?" you asked.

"Everyone except for your friends," he replied and pointed towards the door. "They're outside waiting for you."

You felt relieved that Illumi and Hisoka were already gone. You flipped off the covers and hopped out of bed, eager to see the others again. Now that they were Hunters and you'd managed to bypass the whole Zoldyck debacle, it meant it was almost time to say goodbye.

"Miss Valderburg?" Satotz called when you were halfway to the door. You turned back to him. "This is more of a personal observation than a professional one, but you'd do well to stick around those four. They have a good effect on you."

You smiled and nodded. "Thank you for everything, Satotz-san!"

Sure enough, the boys were waiting right outside the room. They looked up when you opened the door. "Raven!" Leorio was the first to greet you with a big hug that almost crushed you by the sheer strength behind it.

You hugged him back and laughed at his enthusiasm. You felt happy that he and the others cared enough to wait until you awoke.

"What happened to you? You had us all worried," he asked when he finally put you down.

"I think I passed out waiting for you guys," you lied, not wanting to recount what Satotz had told you about your aura. Especially not in front of Kurapika. That relationship was strenuous enough as it was. "But I'm okay now! Thanks for waiting for me."

"You know we wouldn't leave without you," Leorio said, which made you blush. Then he cleared his throat and hooked an arm around your shoulders. "Now that that's taken care of, you have a lot of explaining to do."

"Um…"

"Quitting the exam? Pulling that thing out of Killua? Kissing him?! What the hell was all that about?" he demanded.

"You should be thanking instead of scolding me," you replied, pouting. Leorio had the uncanny ability to make you feel like a disciplined child. "Thanks to me you passed."

"Why did you forfeit?" Kurapika cut in before Leorio could rant some more. "It seemed like a strange decision after what happened on the island."

You shifted uncomfortably, looking down at the floor. 'I'm psychic', didn't really seem like an appropriate answer. The needle, you could play off. But knowing Bodoro would die and Illumi's desire for Killua not to have friends were things you couldn't explain knowing. So, like always, lying seemed like the best recourse. You puffed up your chest and crossed your arms. "I just didn't want to fight Gon. And even though Hanzo helped me during the fourth phase, I'm sure he'd stop at nothing to pass. So, I quit."

"Stupid!" Leorio snapped, flicking you on the forehead. "Didn't I tell you I'd give you your pass?"

"No way! You deserve to be a Hunter more than I do," you mumbled while rubbing at the sore spot. "Besides, there's always next year. I'll just have to train some more before then."

"Aww, but I really wanted to fight you, Raven!" Gon whined before Killua smacked him on the head. "What? I really did!"

"You would've wiped the floor with me, kid," you said, knowing full well you'd never be able to punch that adorable face. Gon simply grinned at your compliment

Then you looked over at Killua and he stared back. For a few moments, there was nothing but tense silence between you two as you tried to find the courage to speak. You didn't think it'd be this hard. The other three watched you both with curiosity.

Finally, you looked away, feeling your face grow hot. "I'm, uh…sorry about…you know."

Killua looked away and frowned. "Tch, you could've just told me you know."

"Was your brother upset about it?" you asked, changing the subject to something less embarrassing.

"Not really. He did say some stuff though."

"That bastard tried to say that Killua couldn't have any friends," Leorio huffed, obviously still angry about the whole exchange. "Some crap about him always being a killer and whatnot."

"Gon ended up breaking his arm," Kurapika added, throwing a knowing glance at the other boy.

You snorted, more over the fact that even though you'd changed things so much, some managed to stay the same. You were glad this was one of those instances. Illumi deserved it. "Really, Gon?"

"I couldn't help it," he confessed. "I just got really mad at how bad of a brother he is."

"By the way, Hisoka told us to remind you about your deal," Killua said.

"Ugh, I know, I know!" you groaned, tugging at your hair. "Does that creep think I'm gonna forget what's gonna be the worst day of my entire life?"

"Speaking of, are you finally going to tell us what he said to you back then?" Leorio asked.

There was really no point in hiding it anymore. Hisoka was gone and they'd all passed. "He wants me to meet him on the 200th floor of the Heaven's Arena."

"Oh, I've been there," Killua said casually. "Makes sense that he'd be there."

"What's the Heaven's Arena?" Gon asked.

Killua frowned. "How sheltered are you? It's the most popular tournament site in the world. The building is really high and has 251 floors, that's why they call it that. You get money for every floor you advance to. I made it to the 199th before calling it quits and got about 200 million Jenny."

Leorio almost choked. "200 million?!"

"Great! Killua, you can be my guide when I go then," you announced, clapping your hands together. "Maybe Gon can come with us if he wants."

"Sure!" he said happily.

"You're not seriously taking him up on that, are you?" Leorio questioned you.

"I don't really have a choice. I 'owe him'," you said with a shrug. It's not like you really wanted to either. But it was preferable to go to Hisoka on your own terms than have him come after you. "The sooner I can get this over with, the better. Then I can say goodbye to that jerk for good."

"I wonder…," Kurapika muttered, mulling something over. Everyone turned to him.

"What's up?" you asked, prompting him to speak.

"Before we left the Course Room, Hisoka told me to meet him at Yorknew City on September 1st. He said he'd tell me some 'interesting stuff' about the Phantom Trope then, something I never mentioned to him."

"You think it's all related?"

Kurapika shook his head. "What I'm saying is that Hisoka's a very unpredictable person. If you decide to meet with him at the Arena, please be careful."

"Of course!" you said proudly. The fact that he worried about you despite your differences made you happy. "That's why I'm gonna train really hard before then. But first, I want to go home and set some things straight—Oh! You guys should come with me!"

"Go where?" Killua asked warily.

"To see where I live!" You were practically bouncing on your toes at the idea. The truth was that you really didn't want to say goodbye to them. Now that they were all Hunters, you were afraid of losing touch with all of them. The thought made your heart feel heavy. "You guys can meet my grandfather and he can teach you all about Nen!"

"Nen?"

You nodded, still grinning widely. "Now that you're all Hunters, I don't have to hide it from you guys. My grandfather was the one who taught me my shadow abilities!"

"That's Nen?" Leorio asked.

"My Nen," you clarified. "Everyone's is different. It's part of the secret Hunter exam after this one. Technically, you guys were supposed to figure it out on your own, but since you've already seen it I don't think it matters anymore."

"I wanna learn Nen!" Gon said eagerly, his brown eyes already sparkling at the prospect of learning new powers. Ugh, Kill's right. That boy is too dazzling.

You hugged him by the arm and looked towards the others with pleading eyes. "See? He's game. Come on, you guys. I know you're all big-time Hunters and all, but can't you spare some time for little old me?"

"I've got nothing else to do," Killua replied with a shrug. Always gotta be the cool guy, don't you?

"Obviously I have to be the adult and watch over you kids on the way there," Leorio said.

Then the three of you turned towards Kurapika. You pulled Killua over to your free side and smiled at the blond expectantly. Several moments of silence passed before he finally closed his eyes. "I suppose it won't hurt to tag along."

"Yes!" you cheered, raising your hands up high. "Someone order us tickets because we're going to Aberford!"

I almost forgot to thank Fenrir's Phantom for the clothing idea! I decided to used it this chapter for a quick attack.

A/N: Oh my god, I'm soooo sorry I haven't updated in so long. Besides some...personal problems, this chapter was a behemoth to write. I thought I had it down a couple of weeks ago, but then I couldn't get past the 1k mark and then finally yesterday I found a better route to take. Hopefully things flow easier now. I do, however, have a VERY important question for you readers.

First off, I'd like to clarify that, although this story is written in a Reader insert format, it isn't technically one. I chose the format because I thought it kind of fit the whole "realistic take" thing I had in mind. And I wanted to practice the style because I like to try new things! However, I feel like the format might have alienated a few readers (I'm not sure, but I know some people don't like the style). So, my question is this: How do you guys feel about me changing the format from second, to first or third POV? It wouldn't really change much besides the pronouns used and adding a bit of concrete description to Raven's physical appearance. You can either let me know in the review or PM. I'll make the decision based on what the majority response is (between ff, AO3 and Quotev. Not Wattpad because I don't get much traffic there).

Again, thank you all so much for sticking with me and for all your wonderful replies. They always make my day much better!