Hey, everyone! Are you ready for another chapter? I focused more on the teenage life towards the end, and shit is about to hit the fan in the typical high school fashion.

Warnings: Drug Use/Abuse towards end

Note: The rating next chapter will jump to M due to explicit sex (yaoi) and drug use.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or it's characters.

What do I do? The thought echoed endlessly in the far reaches of an unconscious mind. Is there a place for me in this world? Am I meant for nothing?

Emil stirred, his chilled fingers twitching. His philosophical mind turned over life and death, light and darkness, it's inner workings ticking like a clock.

When had life become so skewed? Was it when his parents died? Was it when his vision began failing? Or was it destined to be ruined from the start?

Who had Emil pissed of from above or below to make him go through this?

"-and so I said to him, 'I just want him to be safe' and he was so confused. Your brother loves you so much, but I don't think he takes other people's feelings about you into consideration, you know? It's like he's choking you with his love to the point where it doesn't even look like love anymore. It just looks like a heap of expectation and disappointment. But I saw it, Emil. I saw it.

The look in his eyes said it all. He loves you so much, but I don't think he knows how to show you. Lukas was so worried about you. You have so many people who love you, you know that right? Lukas loves you, Tino loves you, your friends love you...I love you, Emil," Li Xiao held Emil's hand gingerly, as if holding frail glass. His head was down and he talked softly.

Emil cracked his eyes open and his mind registered a flash of light before the darkness settled in again like a thick blanket. The Icelandic boy blinked.

"Light?"

"Emil?!" Li sat forward, his eyes snapping open as he scooted to the edge of his seat. "Light?"

"Nevermind. What happened?" Emil croaked, yearning for a glass of water. How long had he been asleep?

Li Xiao sighed, relieved.

"You passed out. It's okay, though. They did the biopsy while you were asleep."

Emil rubbed his head, wincing at the bandaging there.

"...I have a bald spot, don't I?"

Li smiled.

"Just a small one. It's barely noticeable."

Emil nodded slowly, staring ahead into the darkness. His mind felt heavy, almost waterlogged. He felt completely detached as he took several deep breaths.

"Am I allowed to go home now?"

"Not yet. They had to perform a surgical biopsy. The doctors said you needed to remain under observation for the night, so you'll be in here until tomorrow."

Oh. He hadn't been expecting that.

"Can I tell Lukas I'm staying at your house tonight?" Emil asked quietly, expecting immediate resistance. Instead, Li nodded.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," Li took Emil's phone from his bag, sending the text for him. The doctor had told Li to avoid creating stressful situations for Emil, and so the Asian boy took precaution and unexpected understanding to Emil's requested silence about the issue.

"Thanks," Emil whispered. "Li?"

"Hmm?" Li placed the phone back in Emil's bag, turning his attention back to his friend.

"Am I going to die?"

Li jolted in surprise, his hand instinctively tightening on Emil's.

"No! Don't say things like that."

Emil sighed, muscles aching from the tension he'd been carrying around the past few months.

"I was just wondering about life and death. I was wondering why this was happening to me."

Li propped his elbows on his knees, bringing Emil's hand to his forehead. He thought quietly for a few moments, the silence drifting between the friends comfortable despite the stingy hospital room setting.

"There is no reason, Emil. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Too often it happens, in my opinion," Li took a moment to blink away a few unwanted tears. It was definitely because of the dust. "I wish this wasn't happening. I wish this wasn't happening to you, and I'm so sorry it is. I wish there was something I could do to change it, but I think all I can do is pick you up whenever you fall."

Emil smiled gently, imagining Li's face in his mind as he spoke.

"What if I keep falling? What if I can't walk on my own?"

"Then I'll carry you, of course. I've got your back, so don't worry about that. I'm here, and I'm here to stay. I'll be around so much you'll get tired of me, you got that?" Li brought Emil's hand to his lips, kissing it softly. The action confused the young Icelander, but he hadn't the energy to care.

"Thank you," Emil murmured, the door to the small room suddenly opening. A nurse in vivid pink scrubs sauntered in.

"Hello, Emil. My name is Coraline, and I'll be staying with you tonight, alright?" She dropped her bag onto the shiny tiled floor, sitting on the small couch across from the bed. Coraline pulled a book from her bag, making herself comfortable. "If you need anything, just ask."

"Uh, okay? Why are you here, if you don't mind my asking," Emil, mildly confused but not necessarily bothered, frowned slightly.

The Asian looked to the nurse hesitantly. While Emil had been asleep, he had entered into several mild seizures, scaring the living daylights out of Li. He'd never seen someone with a seizure, much less a close friend.

"Just as a precautionary. It'll be like I'm not even here," Coraline grinned brightly, turning her attention back to her book when Emil nodded curtly.

The rest of the night delved into small talk, deep conversation forgotten. Li Xiao left— even though he attempted to convince the doctors to let him stay— after giving a farewell to Emil and dragged his feet on the way out dejectedly. Soon after, Emil fell back into a lovely, dreamless sleep.

oOoOoOo

Li opened the door for Emil, a blanket tucked over his shoulders. The white haired boy ducked into the vehicle, head fuzzy as he sluggishly pulled his seat belt over his body.

"You, like, okay?" Li Xiao questioned, passive once again. Emil nodded, hands resting uselessly on his lap.

"Where are we going now?" the Icelander propped his head upon the window, feeling the vibrations of the car rumble to life.

"I'm taking you home," Li answered, looking up at the darkening sky. Blues melted into purples as taut clouds spread endlessly to the edge of the horizon. The trees on either side the car rustled, their leaves falling from their high branches. Fall was setting in early.

"Okay," Emil said, not bothering to start an argument; he would lose anyway.

Emil's mind wandered, strangely calm in the troubling situation. For some reason, the Icelander found he couldn't care about himself. Somewhere along the way his wish to hide the problem overrode the importance of the problem itself. Emil had wanted to give the illusion he was fine, he was okay, but deep down he wasn't. He would most likely never be again.

In a way, Emil found he wanted to have cancer. He wanted to be sick. He wanted to be incurable, helpless to a disease taking over his body.

He wanted to die.

The tumor prompted all his built up, terrible feelings to flow freely like a broken dam. His wish to just disappear began when he first noticed the blur in his vision and only worsened over time. Emil couldn't handle the loss of his vision, because he had so much he wanted to see. He'd had plans, dreams. How could a disabled person do anything?

Time had passed blissfully with Li by his side, and their friendship blossomed over the past few months. Though such a short amount of time brought them together, Emil had never had such a caring friend. Images of Alfred passed beneath closed eyelids, and the Icelander couldn't help but feel a little guilty. When was the last time they'd hung out?

Rough gravel crunched under the tires of Li's car. The familiar turn into the Steilsson driveway presented itself as a paper slid across the dash and Emil reached absently to keep it from falling, focusing on the sound.

"Nice catch," Li noted, parking the automobile next to Emil's house.

"You know what they say: when one sense goes out, another becomes stronger."

Emil shrugged off the blanket, propping his door open with a hand. Lifting himself from the car slowly, the teen turned to Li, waving him off.

"I've got it. See you tomorrow," the Icelander trudged towards his door, hand reached out nonchalantly, feeling along the siding of the house before grasping the handle to the front door.

Tiptoeing in, Emil crept up the staircase, counting his steps as he rushed to the safe walls of his snowy bedroom. However, he failed to notice one detail.

He'd had a shadow.

oOoOoOo

"Yeah, he walked right past me. It was like he couldn't even see me!" Tino explained, staring at Sweden with an incredulous expression. The large man shrugged.

"He probably wasn't paying attention," Matthias smiled, though his brows furrowed in thought. The mug of cooled coffee swirled in his hands as he looked absently around the small table. "If there really is something wrong, why don't we just confront him?"

"Because he'll lie," Lukas answered, his fingers flashing across the keyboard of his small laptop. The immediate doubt radiating from the Norwegian no longer surprised his friends, and the early morning grogginess didn't help to alleviate his grouchy dawn demeanor.

"Why don't you try trusting him for once, seriously…" Matthias shot back surprisingly, making Lukas look over his screen. The look spurred the Dane to continue unceremoniously, tripping over his words. "I mean, when has he ever had a real reason to lie to us?"

"Have you seen him?" Lukas asked rhetorically, voice still. "He's thinner, paler, and less social. It's drugs."

"He's got a point," Berwald tapped the table thoughtfully, staring at the ceiling. Tino and Matthias exchanged glances.

"Well, either way, we should just ask him about it," Tino said, nodding his head. "It can't be as bad as that. I'm sure of it."

Just then Emil descended the stairs, blinking tiredly. His pajama shorts and shirt did little to protect him from the bitter chill of the morning, and he shivered slightly. Yawning largely, he dragged his slippered feet towards the kitchen, stomach rumbling for food. When was the last time he'd eaten anyways?

"Emil! Hey, we were just talking about you," Matthias glanced, once again, round the table, though this time with a bit more nervousness.

The Icelander stopped, having somehow forgotten his nosy housemates. He began to turn around, but thought better of it. That would only give reason to more suspicion.

"Oh?" the teen slumped into the kitchen, counting his steps as he ran his hand along the counter and reached for the, thankfully correct, cupboard. His hand encircled a cup, and he brought it down to pour himself a cup of coffee. "What about?"

"You're doing drugs, aren't you?" Lukas insisted, eyes narrowed slightly. Emil's grip tightened on his mug. Jaw locked, Emil almost growled.

"No, Lukas. I'm. Not. A. Druggie," the declaration fell on deaf ears as Lukas looked back to his computer indignantly.

"Of course you're not."

Emil shook his head, dipping the tip of his index finger— to use as a measuring tool—into the cup, pouring the coffee until the liquid submerged the pad of his digit. He placed the coffee back, bringing the glass to his lips in annoyance. Why could no one trust him lately?

The sudden silence enveloped the room uncomfortably, making Matthias clear his throat roughly and Tino fidget with his silverware. The Finnish man smiled uneasily.

"You know, Emil, we still need to have that talk-"

"No," Lukas objected abruptly, his eyes trained on his computer. "If he wants to talk, he talks to me."

Tino blinked, scrunching his face in confusion.

"But Emil and I have always talked."

"It doesn't matter. If he's going to own up to his juvenile decisions, then he needs to tell me, not you," Lukas spoke with conviction, muttering a few words underneath his breath.

Emil had had enough. Where was this love Li had talked about? Why was there only hate and judgement? He slammed his cup down, pushing himself away from the counter.

"Shut up, Lukas! Just shut UP!" Emil took a deep breath, feeling as though another dam of emotion had suddenly exploded. "You don't know anything that's going on, so quit pretending you do! You hate me, I hate you, we've got a mutual thing going, you see? Quit acting like you know it all!" Storming the kitchen, Emil rushed upstairs, smacking his hip against the railing of the stairs along the way. Heedless of the pain, he escaped the claustrophobic situation and dressed faster than he ever had before, leaving the house in a rush to crawl into the safety of Li's cozy car. The unbearable, strained trip to school was spent in silence.

oOoOoOo

The next few days occurred in rapid succession: both awkward and draining. Emil plopped down next to his old friend, who was already talking a mile a minute. School had ended just an hour before, and Alfred had practically dragged the Icelander away to his house. The fancy, yet conventional, home loomed with smells of freshly baked cookies and spice.

"So what about you? What's been going on?" Alfred smiled, staring at his mirrored reflection in Emil's dark aviators.

The teen shrugged, hesitant to answer. Only when the blonde American prompted did he finally give.

"I don't know, Alfred. So much has happened," sensing the inevitable question of 'why,' Emil thought up a half-truth. He felt ill lying to the American, but swallowed the uncomfortable ache. "Lukas thinks I'm doing drugs."

Alfred spluttered, coughing on the Pepsi he'd been sipping.

"You?!" he looked incredulously at Emil, giving him a once over. "But you're not the type."

"Yeah, I-," Emil paused, raising an eyebrow. "What do you mean not the type?"

"Oh just, you know…" Alfred gestured with his hands uselessly, looking around the room as Gilbert, another one of Alfred's friends, entered. "What do you think, Gilbert? About Emil not being the party type?"

Emil almost cringed thinking about the strange albino man. The Prussian was somewhat renowned for his rebellious behaviour that contrasted with that of his composed younger sibling. He'd talked with Gilbert maybe once or twice, and his boisterous ways rivaled even Alfred's.

"He's too uptight!" Gilbert answered quickly, not having to look at Emil. "I can help you relax, though."

The Prussian gave a wicked smile the Icelander couldn't see, and looked over to Alfred.

"It's a school night, dude," Alfred pondered uneasily, fingers drumming his cup. He'd tried partying on a school night before, and the next day he'd of rathered jumped in a tank of sharks than leave the safety and darkness of his bedroom.

Gilbert scoffed.

"Don't worry about it! I have something else," the Prussian produced several small tablets from a knapsack in his pocket. "I just got 'em, actually. They're new, apparently. Wanna try them out?" Gilbert gave a mischievous wink.

Emil furrowed his brows, confused and slightly afraid. Anything involving Gilbert was either illegal, unhealthy, embarrassing, or all three combined.

"What?" Emil stuttered quietly, grasping his forearms nervously. "You got what?"

"Don't worry about it...uhm…"

"Emil," the Icelander supplied.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Emil! I've heard good reviews about these!"

You heard good reviews about what? Emil's mind questioned uneasily, turning over the possibilities.

Gilbert smiled at Alfred, who still looked indecisive. The albino pointed to Emil's drink, dropping two of the small, circular pills into the liquid. The American bit his lip, eyes flashing to Emil, but noticed the Icelander didn't try to stop him. He shrugged, figuring Emil approved.

Still confused and unable to see Gilbert's action, Emil fidgeted. This didn't feel right whatsoever.

"No hangover, no pain, and no reason to say no!" Gilbert placed one of the tablets in Alfred's drink before doing the same to his own. "Cheers!"

Emil's cup was thrust in his hand. Without thinking, the Icelander brought the cup to his lips and gulped his drink as an excuse to not talk. He was terribly awkward, and could say an innumerable amount of stupid things.

Everything was normal, somewhat fun even, until the sounds of more people began to accumulate, and his mind began to slur.

A/N: I finished this chapter extremely quickly and failed to edit/revise it, so mistakes are definitely present. I will go back and fix them when I find the time. (Wow this chapter was all over the place, huh? I missed this fics birthday, too ;u;)

Reviews aren't needed, but always appreciated and motivating! Thanks for reading!