10

I think I sat there for twenty minutes, just staring at the door, mouth open, wondering what the Hell had just happened. I'd been so mired in my own guilt over Jimmy's death that I'd left her to sit through all of it, including the disappearance of her one close relative, who could have been dead for all we knew. The thought that Chloe, who was assuredly the strongest I knew, the thought that she'd even contemplate suicide was mind blowing. I couldn't even imagine coming home from the Fortress and, I don't know what-finding her body, finding the Watchtower boarded up, or the Talon apartment empty. She'd been my best friend since I was thirteen, since I didn't even know what I was, and, even after she knew I wasn't human, her faith and love for me had never wavered.

I'd made it waver by leaving her the one time she really needed me and dug that knife deeper by refusing to reset time (still the best idea after my dad's death) and then treating her horribly, even shoving her hard on red K, which mom always reminded me was still what I wanted deep down. I'd really almost hurt her and definitely emotionally hurt her.

Still, she'd lost everything for me, erased 'Chloe Sullivan' from existence, and not really for Ollie. She didn't have to go so deeply underground when she'd had a plan all along to fool the Suicide Squad. She could have come back to us, except she knew that anyone connected to Watchtower and to the JLA would be taken or detained like Tess and Emil. She'd stayed away for nine months in order to save all of us, to save me most, and I'd not even taken her hand and trusted her.

I'd rarely hated myself more then.

Eventually, the quiet of the 'Tower was interrupted by strong hands on my shoulders.

Looking up, I saw J'onn. "How long have you been here?"

"Longer than you think, Kal-El," he replied, pulling me to my feet. "I didn't eavesdrop, but I've been standing her for ten minutes watching you think. I assumed you needed time to gather yourself together for whatever happened between you and Chloe."

I shook my head and wiped my hands off on my sweatpants. "I've fucked up so much."

"I wasn't going to point that out, but now that you mention it..."

I sighed and rolled my eyes and began to pace. "I had no idea how depressed she was. How didn't I notice?"

"You were very busy with your own troubles, and myopia apparently was one of your gifts."

"Ha-ha," I said, pushing my glasses back up my nose. "You know what I meant. I'm suppose to be her support. she's saved my life so many times, my secret, kept me from hurting people, even freaking stopped the government from making me minced meat. I just...how could I have taken her for granted and not even cared."

J'onn nodded and leaned against a computer bank. "I can understand your motivations. I do understand. You retreat when you have so much pain in your life. It's not only very human but extremely Kryptonian. Your people were horrible with emotion, maybe because they grew to disdain it in most cases."

"Not Lara or Kara."

"They were rare," he conceded. "It's in both your natures-Jonathan's upbringing and you own emotional make up-to run when burned so badly. You can even see the ebbs and flows of it. Chloe gets engaged to Jimmy, and you turn to her cousin for support. Chloe's furious with you for leaving her, you get even closer to Lois and start to date. She leaves without saying goodbye, tearing apart your trust in her and leaving you wondering if you were ever friends, and you hope to get married within a few weeks really of Lois accepting your secret, or so you thought accepting it. That's just since I've known you and watched your life unfold or heard about it from her end."

"I...it worked like that too before. She dumped me after formal and I went straight to Lana cause it was easier, same after Dark Thursday. I got the brush off and then became so obsessed with Lana and Lex. I didn't realize there was a reason for it."

"Not exactly an alien one, no, but a mix of your inherited nature to be so buried and growing up learning how to be a man in the Midwest. Either way, you run and bottle and react by doing anything easy to avoid the hurt. You and Chloe have had nothing but missed connections."

"I left her and she hates me! Hell, I hate me," I said, collapsing on the sofa, not even caring when Lucky started to groom my bangs.

I'd probably earned that too.

"She doesn't hate you. If she really hated you, she'd never have given up her identity and risked everything for the League."

"Yeah but that's because she started it basically and kept it intact when we collapsed. It's her baby too."

"Are you that stupid?"

"No! I just, if she'd done the same thing, I'd have never wanted to talk to her again. There's just no excuse."

"I'm not supposed to read people, but sometimes things come off of all of you in waves."

"Um?" I started, actually reaching up to stroke Lucky's back. I needed the comfort then. "Like?"

"I knew what she'd thought about once I got my abilities back. I felt it on her in waves; it's probably something she was very glad you didn't read off her when Jor-El gave you that ability temporarily. However-"

"There's a however?"

"It's why we started, most of us in the League, having lunches together, being more social than the fight."

"I didn't realize that either. Where was I?"

"With Lois," J'onn said sharply. "Even if you and Chloe had ever dated, you have to learn not to make one person your whole existence and push others aside when you're in a relationship. It's unhealthy."

"And it comes back to kick you in the ass," I added. Then I sighed and shooed Lucky away. He chittered a bit and stuck something in his mouth. Huh, I wondered if I had lice. Maybe I should get that checked too. "The point is I'm about as shit out of luck in the romance department anyway. I think that people would date a janitor with no money, basically, about as much as they'd date an alien."

"I disagree on the extraterrestrial dating," J'onn said, and he couldn't stop from smiling a little.

"Oh man," I said, letting it drop. "You know what I mean. I'm pretty hopeless either way. Lana wanted the normal guy with advantages in the sack of course, and Lois wanted to be with a superhero because it was exciting and I was cool. I couldn't win!"

"And Chloe has always cared about all sides of you."

"You're reading me now?"

"No, you're broadcasting it and I'd be blind not to merely see it. Alien or farm kid or human down on his luck, she cares deeply about you, put her life on hold to comfort you."

"So you think I have a shot with her?"

I asked and maybe I was too hopeful. It was so stupid. How could I have three types of vision once and never seen Lois had been a mix of me having a Chloe substitute, a slam dunk guarantee from Brainiac 5 (yeah right), and ego stroking on her end. J'onn and Conner both saw it and Conner barely knows me or, maybe, he knows my instincts very well.

I clearly didn't.

J'onn sighed. "Just because those feelings are still there does it mean you still can win her. Kal-El, have you ever seen a film called The Graduate ."

"Um no? Wait! Is that the one with Ferris Bueller and the Komodo dragon?"

"No that's not. It's a movie from the late '60s."

I frowned. "How long have you even been here?"

"A while," he conceded. "The point is, in the last scene, Dustin Hoffman rushes in and interrupts a wedding."

"Oh I've seen that done before!"

"Yes, it's an homage usually, the beating on the stained glass windows."

"Yup. I should do that?"

"No, that's the scene everyone remembers. The actual final scene is him and the girl who left the altar on a bus, with no prospects and no plans, staring at each other in silence. It's not a happy ending at all."

"I don't understand," I said, crossing my arms over my chest. "You say that Chloe still loves me and never stopped. You say that I made a mistake but Lois was sublimating everything. You go through all of that, but then say that I can't say it, that it'd ruin her life. Why? Because I'm human now? Because I have a shit job, literally, and Oliver's got everything back again and can spoil her rotten?"

"No, Kal-El, because she's happy with what she has. She may not have what she wants but she has what she needs to stay content and well. If you love her, you'll let her go."

I dropped my arms and stared at him.

I didn't have an answer for that.

"Okay," Conner said, handing me a piece of lobster meat and a huge root beer float he'd ordered for me (it went okay together, don't ask). "Let me get this whole thing straight."

I sighed, leaned back on the king-sized bed and waited for him to continue. "You're really abusing mom's goodwill."

"Well," he said, biting into a bit of filet mignon. "It's not like the taxpayers are covering it and, besides, I think she wants to spoil me after everything's been so shitty."

"Uh-huh, cool it on her credit card or you'll be with me and Lucky and Shel will be in the presidential suite."

"Maybe," he conceded. "Okay, so now that I'm back to your day yesterday. Chloe saw you naked, you freaked out and then it turned to her telling you she was upset as all Hell when you left and then J'onn told you she's still in love with you but to hang it up cause she is at least happy and you basically make her miserable."

"When do you have time to breathe?"

"Kryptonian," he quipped. "Anyway, I've got all that."

"Basically."

"Oh and the part where you had to plunger out the ladies' room on the ninth floor because someone flushed something absorbent yet unflushable."

"I've done cow insemination, horse mucking out, and birthed foals. I have still never done something that rancid. Like I said, my job sucks."

"If you'd-"

"If you say anything about the farm, I will kill you. I can find green K. Hell, I can get my wedding ring and see how you like it."

"I'll be good," Conner said. "Being you sucks, don't want to join the depowered club."

"Object lesson, I know."

"So you, uh, just plunged right? You didn't have to get up to your elbows in that, did you?"

"I had gloves!" I defended.

"But you showered before coming over here this afternoon, right?"

"Hell yes."

He smirked. "Did you lock the door this time?"

"Yeah, I'll never forget that one." I brought a pillow to my face and sighed again. "My life is so ruined. How could I have been so stupid about Chloe for eleven freaking years."

"Well, I think we have three types of women."

I threw the pillow off my face and frowned. " We ? How weird is that?"

He shrugged. "It's not like I have your memories, like when I was Alexander, but I have some of your taste. It just is what it is."

"Huh."

"Yeah, petri dish thing," he said too breezily. "I mean, I think you and Lex mean that exotic brunettes are cool to me. But you're such a random dude because you're so...I dunno torn. Lois and Lana it was right?"

"Yeah?"

"Mom has a picture of you two from sophomore year. Anyway, they're like super pretty, you'd have to be blind not to either like Lois's body or Lana's face, if you swing that way or are a guy."

"Uh-huh?"

"But I didn't...Chloe's pretty in a real way, which makes sense since she is literally the girl next door. I didn't think much of her when Tess took me to meet her and Ollie in Star City before I met up with mom to live in Georgetown."

"She did that?"

"Yeah, she wanted me to meet the gang, basically. Chloe was nice, but I didn't get it."

"Okay?"

"She's been so sweet the last few days here at the hotel, making sure I'm feeling better and hanging out with me an hour or two a day. She reminds me a lot of Tess."

"The part where Tess had some patented Luthor rage issues or the part where they were both once Watchtower."

Conner shook his head. "No, the part where they're both so selfless and clearly care a lot about me, no questions asked."

"Chloe just met you."

"Well more or less, but, if you think about it, she's a good empathetic person who helps everyone. But I'm also part you . On one level, she's always gonna want to care for me. I mean, Tess nursed a massive crush on you at the end. The way she went on about you-"

I blinked. How freaking obtuse was I?

"She did?"

He nodded. "She was so happy you trusted her and were there for her after she found out about her real family. You should know that."

"Thanks. So I liked Lois and Lana cause they were pretty and Chloe's still attractive but you fall in love with her cause of her personality?"

"I'm saying, you have three types basically-boobs, ethereally gorgeous, and supportive relationship. Boobs and beauty fade, dude. The last doesn't."

"Wow, that's really sage for a seventeen year old."

Conner shrugged again. "Technically I'm nine months old."

"Oh, right."

"Anyway, isn't it getting on toward six? You'll need to get food and hop that subway to get to work."

"Can you get a cab for me and pay for it?"

Conner laughed. "No man, this is too funny, maybe there were sloppy Joe's this time!"

"I hate you...me...whatever."

"I gave you lobster!"

"Uh-huh, thanks," I huffed, heading out the door to get a start on my night shift.

Chloe didn't come for that whole next week. She still made an effort, don't get confused. She sent nice emails every day, sent cards to Conner's room for him to give to me. Hand to God, one day she had a bouquet of like "Get Well" balloons to the Watchtower. I bet she'd have done like yellow friendship roses if it didn't still seem weird. I found the idea of "Get Well" balloons funny. I think she must have picked them (a safari theme by the way, maybe so Lucky would feel less lonely) as a close facsimile of "Sorry you lost your powers and are completely mortal now but it'll get better" balloons.

They don't have a market for that really.

I can't imagine why.

Oliver was supposed to come by to train my on Wednesday, but he'd had an emergency with his company back in Star City so he wouldn't even be home until Monday morning. I wanted to patrol. Hell, I wanted Chloe and J'onn to even show me how to do more for Watchtower since I was pretty hopeless with computers. I'd been good at it once, but all the science and math prowess as well as the photographic memory went the way of the strength or heat vision.

Bummer.

I didn't always work nights, just Friday through Sunday. I had Monday to try and switch sleep schedules, and worked Tuesday through Thursday mornings. Got time to try and recover and then back again. So far, I'd dumped more trash and recycling than I could count, unplugged at least four toilets, unclogged a sink and freaking almost broken my thumb when the wrench slipped, and, my favorite highlight, gotten a dead rat out of the roof tiles where it had been trapped.

I missed farming and reporting so much.

Hell, I missed any job where the smell factor was only a seven (I know cows reek, I do get that, but there's bad and then really Oh God bad).

I wasn't sure if Chloe was going to be able to muster up the courage to see me face to face. I had this vision of my dresser covered in a ton of cards and maybe candy grams over the next few months. That thought hurt like Hell. I'd just got her back, whatever our relationship was, and she was leaving soon. I didn't want to waste from June until her plans to go in early September never really hanging out.

Sunday morning was the day mom came into town.

It was also the day I came downstairs from my room in my nicest khakis and button down for brunch with her and, instead, walked in on her and J'onn sharing a kiss. I should have known there was a reason he was taking the shift today when it was Diana's turn.

"Oh man," I said and they parted as if I'd scalded them. Mom straightening her hair and J'onn his purple leather coat. "I know you guys are dating. I respect that. I just don't need to see it cause you're mom and you don't...it made me kind of annoyed with Lionel flirting and with Perry. Can't it be hands off visit?"

"I'm sorry, Kal-El. We'll not rub your nose in it," J'onn conceded. "I know you still miss your father."

"Exactly, sweetie. We can respect the PDA rules," mom added and then she looked at my right wrist, really looked at it in a way she hadn't at the VRA fiasco or at the wedding. She narrowed her eyes and shook her head. "Clark Jerome Kent, where is your father's watch?"

I'd buried it by his tombstone after Brainiac 5 had showed me the wonder future that never happened. I'd tried to get over his death by literally burying everything about him and it.

"I can explain!" I said, holding up my hands, and groaning when I realized it gave her an even better view of my arm.

"Can you?"

Oh I was even more dead than last time. I knew this because J'onn made an excuse to be out the door. It was then I realized that the entire JLA was scared shitless of my mother and, also, should she ever become a supervillain (and she could; she's smart), then the world would be screwed.

Just like I was now.