Autism is a World

Chapter 10

Sorry again for the immense span of time between updating the chapters.

Calleigh looked up from the book she was reading just as Eric entered her hospital room. She smiled brightly at him, glad for his company. She closed her book and flipped it onto the nightstand. "Hey!"

"Hey, yourself. How are you feeling?" Eric asked, looking her over very carefully. She looked markedly better to him than she had in the last several days. Placing the bag he held on the floor, he pulled a chair up and sat down.

"My knee hurts a little, but I'm okay."

"That's not what I meant and you know it," he said firmly. "But that can wait."

Calleigh frowned at him. "Why?"

"Because you stood me up last night. We had a dinner date for Pat's and you had to go and get yourself shot," Eric teased. "So, I thought since hospital food can be unappetizing, I'd cater in a little dinner so we could keep our date."

"Eric, you didn't-"

"Yes I did," he said softly, pulling two styrofoam containers out of the bag and two soft drink cans out of his jacket pockets. "I hope I got the toppings right."

Calleigh opened her container to find a cheeseburger with everything she liked on it. "It's perfect, Eric; thank you. I'm starving."

Eric grinned at her, opening his own box. "Serious talk is for later, after we eat. You said that you'd tell me all about the school. So....tell me."

She took a bite and then began her tale, regaling him with stories from just her one day enough to make him tear with laughter, holding his sides. By the time they were finished eating, she had him wishing that he could have shared her bodyguard duty just to see and hear all the fun firsthand. He imagined that she'd had to have had to been chewing the insides of her cheeks to keep from laughing all while trying to be serious and do her job. It must have been sheer torture.

Eric cleared away the food containers and sat back down. "Talk to me. I'm not going to ask for an explanation. I just want you to talk to me. You always tell me that I can tell you anything. That street goes both ways, Querida."

At first she couldn't look him in the eyes. "You deserve and explanation," she began quietly. She took a deep breath and plunged ahead. "I think I can talk about it with you now. I've already spoken with Rebecca about it; we talked for several hours last night, and I'll be seeing her regularly until the issue is resolved."

Eric nodded. "Good. Calleigh, I am not going to lie to you; you scared all of us. I know you never meant to, and I definitely don't want to add to the issue; but you did. Horatio, and Ryan almost went into a panic when they heard you were shot; they calmed down when they found out it wasn't life-threatening, but it wasn't a pretty sight. Alexx called me, concerned over your emotional state and Natalia was in knots of worry. Querida, you have to talk to us." He sighed and continued. "I know I'm guilty of it, myself; we think we can handle it all on our own, but sometimes we can't, can we?"

Calleigh hung her head. "No; we can't. I'm so sorry; tell them I'm sorry - that I didn't mean it." She struggled to get her voice back under control so she could talk.

She closed her eyes, thinking. "Nothing has ever gotten to me that badly. I've processed worse crime scenes; more blood, more bodies, worse smell; they've never gotten to me. I think t was the teddy bear; the one that was still clutched in the little girl's arms? Such an innocent plaything," she broke off, taking a deep breath and then continuing, "Teddy bears are meant to be held when you're sad or scared; meant for comfort. How tight did she hold that bear as her teacher and classmates were gunned down? How tight did she hold it when she was shot? Did it give her comfort when she died? Eric, it was the senseless loss of all that innocence and promise; lost for no reason at all. So a guy can't deal with being dumped by his girlfriend? What kind of an excuse is that to go into a classroom of five year olds and kill everyone in sight? It was just too much; I felt sick to my stomach, so sick that I couldn't do my job." She stopped, blinking back tears. "I realize now that I should have taken your offer and backed off; it would have saved me a whole lot of pain. But I thought I could tough it out, I didn't know doing that would make everything worse."

For the first time since she began speaking, she looked Eric in the eyes, treasuring the compassion shining in them; allowing herself the luxury of bathing herself in that compassion. She drank in as much as she wanted; as she needed. "I did have nightmares; for the life of me I can't tell you what they were because I truly don't remember them. All I remember is that they were violent and terrifying and that I would wake up screaming. I was frightened to sleep because the dreams would be right there. So, I didn't sleep; I researched, distracting myself from what was bothering me; shoving it away for later."

A tear rolled down her cheek. She wiped it away. "The not sleeping, it got to me; lights were too bright, sounds were too loud and I didn't want to be touched – that's why I startled so badly yesterday morning. If my mind wasn't occupied by something challenging; I would get sudden, graphic flashes of the crime scene …" She broke off, wiping her tearing eyes. She sniffled. You've come this far; don't back out now …

Eric felt as if his heart would break at any moment watching Calleigh go through describing her private hell. He reached over and took her hand, cradling it in his own. "Calleigh, I know this is hard for you. Go only as far as you can. We can talk later if it's too painful right now," he said, his voice soft and reassuring. He rose and sat on the bed, careful not to jostle her knee on it's perch. He scooted closer to her until they sat hip to hip.

Calleigh shook her head decisively. "No, I have to finish; I can do this. The crime scene flashes were a lot like the photos I took, only they were totally sensory. Then the fire drill this afternoon and Morales….He had Johnny and if you hadn't distracted him when you did it could have all ended so differently." She ducked her head, beginning to cry in earnest.

Eric placed a gentle finger under her chin and raised her head so she could look him in the eyes. "Don't do that. No 'could haves' no 'might have beens', just what happened and only that. Otherwise you get trapped; and that's no way to live."

Calleigh nodded and continued. "Alright. I think it all came to a head when I saw the blood on Johnny. I thought it was his and he'd been hit; another victim of senseless violence. But then he was fine and the blood belonged to me. Something just cracked open and I could finally see what had been happening inside of myself. When I broke down there, I was angry or afraid. It wasn't the pain of the gunshot would. I was relieved."

Eric wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Is that what these are?"

Feeling the gentleness with which Eric treated her knocked down her last bit of resolve and she broke down yet again. Eric gathered her into his arms, cradling her head to his chest and let her spend herself out. Unlike the nearly frenzied sobs from the day before, these were almost relaxed, soft, releasing. He rocked her, making soothing sounds until she calmed.

"Do you know that's the third time that I've cried since yesterday? I don't cry that much in a year," Calleigh whispered, choosing to still remain in his comforting embrace. She snuggled in deeper.

He laid his cheek on top of her head. "Do you feel better afterward?"

He felt her give a small laugh. "Yeah, I do."

Then maybe you ought to more often." He hugged her a little tighter and felt her melt into him. "Calleigh, you really scared me. I could see that something terrible was going on inside of you and every time I tried to get close, you ran the other way. I thought that after how far you opened up to me after your abduction that you'd say something. Cal, you mean the world to me; do you know that? When you hurt, I hurt."

Calleigh sniffled. "Four."

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Calleigh sat up in her hospital bed, laptop perched on the rolling table/tray, notebooks and reference materials scattered around her. She typed quickly; piling the used and the footnoted materials on one
side, the discarded and unused on the other. She was nearly finished with her thesis and was secretly glad of it. It had been far easier than she thought it would be. Calleigh was used to writing papers and
presenting them as well as her occasional lectures and classes both at the University and at the Police Academy. This one just carried the possibility of a degree, even an honorary one, behind it and that's what made the writing a little stressful.

The door opened and Robyn poked her head in. "Am I disturbing you?" she asked.

"Not at all; I was just writing my conclusion." Calleigh said, waving her in. "Give me a minute to finish."

Robyn entered and sat in the lone chair in the room; waiting patiently until Calleigh stopped typing. With a satisfied smile, Calleigh held out her laptop. "Ready to print." she said. "I've highlighted the file; I can't thank you enough for doing this for me. I really appreciate it."

"It's my pleasure; you've earned it." Robyn took the laptop. "I have even better news for you. Under the circumstances of your wounding in the line of duty, the department has decided to waive the
interview; your paper is the only thing that they want."

Calleigh was stunned. She had expected to leap through several more hoops. "Really; that's not what I thought. Are you absolutely sure?"

"I just came from the department chair's office. He said that if you were as half a prodigy as I said, then your written word was all he needed. When Dr. Cook says something, he means it." Robyn grinned
at her. "I bragged about you;I'll admit it. I can't help being pleased that I was the one to teach you."

"Oh come on; that's enough! I'm not Einstein. Will you please stop already? This ego stroking could become addictive!" Calleigh laughed.

"Okay, okay; I'm done." Robyn said with a chuckle. "It'll take about a week or so for a decision to be reached. Everyone that sits on the board has to read it and make their own judgments." Seeing that
Calleigh was looking a little tired, she turned toward the door. "I won't disturb your recuperation any longer; I just want to know when they'll be releasing you."

"Hopefully tomorrow if my P.T. is happy; time off for good behavior." Calleigh said, beginning to clear the research materials of the bed. Robyn helped her by putting them on the chair. "I still won't be able to return to work until I'm able to walk and stand on my own without pain, but I have things to occupy me. The guys have become a lending library of every novel I've wanted to read and every movie I've missed; they've even set up a visiting schedule in the evenings so I won't get bored and they can keep me current with the investigations. They also know that a bored Calleigh is a Calleigh that can get herself into trouble. Eric comes by every day for lunch and Alexx is busy stockpiling dinners for me."

Robyn shook her head in awe. "They really care about you. It's wonderful to see such and unembarrassed outpouring of affection; not all work environments are like that."

Calleigh smiled slightly, warmly. "The team is just like that. It always has been. When one of us is celebrating even the tiniest thing, we all bask in the joy. When one of us is hurting, we all do and all work to heal our - troubled one." Her voice broke slightly, remembering her and Eric's conversation and how badly she had alarmed everyone. She recovered quickly, clearing her throat. "We see the worst of humanity every day; it's the nature of our job. So, to counter that, we lavish the best of humanity on each other. It keeps us sane, caring people able to cope with the world. I wouldn't even want to consider the alternative."

Robyn walked to the door. "I'll let you rest. You look tired and you've already done enough work for one day; get some sleep."

Eric and Ryan both sat in Calleigh's living room; laughing at the movie that they had inflicted on their hostess- whom, for her part, was laughing just as hard. She was very content at the moment. She missed the team; she missed the work, she was even beginning to get antsy to get back to processing grizzly crime scenes- all of which was a positive sign that her daily sessions with Rebecca were going well.

During those sessions, Calleigh refused to hold anything back and entered each session with her usual determination and tenacity. Despite that, not everything came out easily. Some things had to be coaxed to the front; sometimes over several sessions, usually accompanied by tears. But, after two solid weeks of daily sessions, Calleigh felt stronger and more like her old self. She knew she wasn't at 100% just yet and there would be more therapy to go through, more coping skills to master, so that the likelihood of a reoccurrence would be at the minimum. For now, surrounded by her friends, she felt safe, happy and much loved.

The doorbell rang. "Can somebody get that please? Natalia and I are a bit busy." Alexx called from the kitchen. "Our hands are full of flour."

Ryan slid off the couch, gently easing out from under Calleigh's feet. "I got it!" he called.

"Hey man, be careful," Eric said, "We just got her back in one piece."

Ryan smacked him in the shoulder as he passed by. He trotted to the door and opened it. On the doorstep stood a smiling Horatio escorting a short auburn haired woman the Ryan didn't recognize. "Hey, H."

"Ryan Wolfe, this is Dr. Robyn Mix from the University." Horatio introduced, stepping inside.

Ryan shook her hand. "You're the one that tutored Calleigh, right? It's nice to meet you."

"Same here." Robin smiled at the younger man.

Horatio led the way into the living room and took the scene in. Ryan sat back on the couch along with Eric and Calleigh. Calleigh was seated sideways, pillowed against Eric's chest, his arm lazed across her midsection, legs propped across Ryan's lap. Eric sat with his feet propped up on Calleigh's coffee table. Their laughter was warm and easy and Horatio smiled at them.

Robyn looked at Horatio and couldn't help smiling, herself. "They really are a family, aren't they?"

"We are," Horatio said, stepping up behind Calleigh and placed his hands on her shoulders.

She tilted her head up to look at him, "Hey Horatio."

"Hey there, yourself; how are you doing?" he asked pointedly.

She smiled up at him, eyes shining with their old gleam, "Good; really good - you know what I mean."

"I do." He raised his voice so that he could be heard over the ending credits of the movie. "Alexx, Natalia, could you come in here, please?"

"Horatio, we're a little busy right now," Alexx called from the kitchen.

"It is time sensitive?" he called, "This is rather important."

"This had better be good," Alexx said, entering, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel. She was followed closely by Natalia, also wiping her hands. A streak of flour colored her cheek. "If you cause me to burn those biscuits, you'll be making the next batch."

"I assure you this is good and I promise to slave over another batch." Horatio said as Eric turned of the T.V.

Eric turned slightly to look at him. "What's up, H?"

"Why don't I let Professor Mix tell you? She's the one that's trained Calleigh." Horatio said, stepping aside so that Robyn could get through.

"Like Lt. Caine said, I've been the one that's had the pleasure of teaching Calleigh, and I have to admit that I didn't expect to get much beyond the basics with her at first." Robyn said, walking to stand in front of the group. "But I was pleasantly surprised; more than that, Calleigh drank in the information and processed and internalized it as fast as I could give it to her. We got through the basics in about an hour; we got through all the undergraduate Behavioral Psych. classes by the end of the first day. I pushed her harder the next day and she didn't disappoint me in the slightest. We made it through most of the post graduate studies by the time that Lt. Caine got the call from the school I went along and witnessed Calleigh putting into practical use all the information that she had learned. I can't tell you how remarkable that is; especially given the small amount of time she'd had to learn everything. When I went to retrieve my things from your crime lab, I happened to look at Calleigh's notes and found them to be impressive in their insight and thoroughness. While Calleigh was in the hospital, we spoke on the matter and she kindly typed her notes in the form of a paper on the subject and I brought it to my department head. The decision came through yesterday and I phoned Lt. Caine. That's why he arranged this little celebration; I have been made to understand that your team shares just about everything, so I thought that you all need to share in this."

"What are you talking about?" Natalia asked, coming to sit on the back of the couch.

Robyn looked Calleigh square in the eye. "I wanted to present you with your Honorary Master's degree in Behavioral Psychology in the area of the Autism Spectrum Disorder." She handed Calleigh a leather-bound diploma. "Congratulations, Calleigh; you've earned it the hard way."

Calleigh opened the cover and let her eyes wander over the writing. Her fingers traced the words lovingly. "Thank you for everything, Robyn. I don't know what to say; I really don't. Thank you for being such an amazing teacher; I've learned so much from you, you've opened up a whole other world for me and I'm better for it. I promise you, this knowledge will not go to waste." She looked around at her friends whom were beaming at her. "I know I need to thank y'all, too," her drawl deepening with emotion. "For supporting me and understanding that I needed to do what I was doing and never giving me grief over it. Y'all are amazing."

"For someone who didn't know what to say, that was pretty eloquent," Alexx said, coming around to Calleigh's side of the couch and hugging her. "Congratulations honey."

One by one the team took turns hugging her and offering her their good wishes. The last one left was Horatio. He took her hands and looked her in the eyes. "I'm so proud of you and not just for the degree; you understand me?" He pulled her into an embrace that was fierce in its intensity while the team shared confused glances of "What the Hell?" They all knew that Calleigh had gone through something; but none of them, save Eric, knew what it had been. Neither he nor Calleigh would talk about it just yet, if they ever would.

"Ahem." Alexx broke the silence and the embrace. "No wonder you said this was a celebration dinner and asked Natalia and I to cook, Horatio. It's time to eat; so if everyone will move this love fest to the table, we can start." She turned to the professor. "You are planning on staying, right?"

"If I'm welcome," Robyn said, unwilling to intrude on this tight-knit group of people.

Calleigh smiled brilliantly at her. "You know you are."

"Then that's that." Alexx said, "Everyone to the table."

The guys rose, Ryan carefully swinging Calleigh's legs over the side of the couch. "Are you okay on your own or would you like a hand?"

"I can go short distances and the table isn't all that far," she said, unconsciously fiddling with her bandage.

"Are you sure?" Ryan asked again, knowing Calleigh's stubborn streak.

"Go on, I'll be fine," Calleigh laughed, giving him a little push.

"Need a hand up?" Eric asked, hands outstretched, "I'm just being a gentleman."

She placed her hands in his. "Then I accept." She winced slightly as she rose, the tightness of the newly healing wound giving a sharp tug. He curled her arm around his. Eric looked down affectionately at her. "If it gets too hard or becomes too painful, I want you to lean on me."

"Again; you know that this is starting to become a habit?" Calleigh replied as they slowly walked to the table already groaning with the weight of Alexx's and Natalia's culinary talents.

Eric held out a chair for her. "Not one that I'm willing to break, Querida."

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Calleigh pulled up to the large red brick building and exited her car. She leaned against the side of the vehicle for a moment and regarded the structure, reading out loud the words over the main entrance. "Atwood Institute." She walked across the street and entered, heading immediately to the reception desk.

"Good morning. May I help you?" the pretty blonde at the desk said.

"I called yesterday about volunteering with the kids? My name is Calleigh Duquesne."

The blonde looked up the appointment. "I'll ring Dr. Peterson; can I ask if you have any experience with autistic children?"

Calleigh smiled at her. "I've taken some classes from U of M in ASD."

"Then we can certainly use you," the blonde, named "Anna" replied as she rang the institute head. "Welcome to the Atwood Institute for Autistic Individuals."

I know that it's unusual for me to add an additional author's note at the end of a story, but April is Autism Awareness Month. 1 of every 150 babies born today will be diagnosed with autism before they reach school age. In May I'll be participating in a local charity walk to raise money for autism reseach. If you want information on autism or the walk, please PM me.