Two Young Fools

Carol sat in the mud. She wished she could sink into the mud, like she was mud. She felt horrid.

"THEN YOU CAN FEEL LIKE A HERO!"

She shivered. She didn't feel like a hero. She felt smaller than she'd ever felt in her life. She'd heard the raw anger and worry in Lilac's voice, but worse than that she'd heard shame. Lilac had been humiliated. Carol had had no right to charge off like that. Lilac didn't need protecting. She'd needed her friend. She'd needed to know that she could keep Carol safe. After all she'd been through Carol had robbed her of that. It was the nastiest thing she could ever have done.

So why'd she done it?

Pride had played its part. Carol had felt so powerless over the last couple of hours. By going after Torque she'd tried to assert some kind of independence and control. She'd been trying to prove, as much to herself as to anyone else, that Lilac didn't need to deal with every emergency. Carol could save the day too, on her own if necessary.

It hadn't worked. Now Carol felt like she wasn't worth anything at all. Had anything she'd done changed anything? Arguably she'd rescued Lilac from Brevon's base, but she'd abandoned her there in the first place. It had been Spade who had ultimately saved them all from Brevon's clutches. Carol had just wandered straight into a trap. She'd even led Milla there as well. Milla had placed her trust in Carol without a second thought. Carol now felt she'd betrayed that trust.

I yelled at Lilac for leading us into danger, but I did the exact same thing to Milla. Unlike me, she couldn't stand up for herself.

So she was good at running for help. That didn't feel like much to be proud of, especially when she needed a ten-year old's help to do it. Carol now felt dependent on her friends. She didn't feel like an equal partner anymore.

That only made her more scared of the fact that those friends now seemed so vulnerable. Lilac the invincible giant had been vanquished. She now seemed small and vulnerable. For the first time she seemed like a child just a few years older than Carol. She could be hurt. She could be worn down too. Lilac had gone through some frightening changes over that last terrifying day. Carol was terrified by what she might be changing into. That lay at the heart of the second gnawing tendril that was slowly eating away at Carol's foundations.

Cold fear.

Carol hadn't been able to take the fact that Lilac might have put herself in danger again. She'd run off to do her own thing. She'd told herself that she was protecting Lilac. Again, Lilac didn't need protecting. Carol had been protecting herself. She'd been running away from her fear. Maybe that was who she was? She ran away from pain.

I'm a coward.

She huddled on the ground. She tried to wall out the feelings of inadequacy that were swelling inside her like a tumour. It wasn't working. Tears began to force their way out of her eyes. This time she didn't think she could push them back inside.

She started as Torque sat down beside her.

"Hey." he said gently. "Are you alright?"

Carol didn't answer. She stared miserably into space, trying to battle the cauldron of fear and loneliness that was eating away at her. She could feel him looking at her, studying her face with concern. He could see the tears in her eyes. That was too much. Carol burst into racking sobs.

"Carol? Carol!" Torque cried, springing to his knees in concern.

Caro didn't respond.

Torque crouched down beside her helplessly.

Carol cried a lot. For a kid who put on such a tough façade she was surprisingly emotional, but she'd never cried quite like this. The shock of Lilac turning on her had done what nothing else could. She was inconsolable. Torque didn't know how to respond. He didn't know if he should. He didn't have any experience with this. Maybe it was just the stress of the last four days working its way out?

Gently, he took one of her hands and gave it a squeeze. It was a painfully awkward gesture. Torque was a young man. He'd never had to deal with anything like this in his life before. However, he connected.

A pair of alien, watery green eyes peered up at him nervously.

"You're going to be ok-"

"I'm scared."

Torque regarded her with silent pity. He knew how hard Carol had fought not to say those two words. He could see the broken pride behind them.

"I want to go home." she sobbed.

Torque tensed up awkwardly. He didn't know what to say. Desperately, he said the first thing that came to his head.

"We will soon Carol. Just once the others are back."

"You don't know that."

Carol spoke quietly, but something menacing pushed the desolation in her voice aside. Torque heard anger.

"You don't know that!" she yelled. "What happened to not making promises?!"

"Carol, it's over!" Torque tried to point out. "We've just got to go-"

"We thought it was over on the ship!" Carol reminded him, furious anger breaking through her tears. "And then all this happened!"

She stood up. Torque followed, alarmed

"How can you say it's all over?! How do you know?!" She demanded.

Torque realised with shame that he didn't.

"We didn't kill Brevon, did we?" Carol cried, terror beginning to overwhelm the anger. "What… what if he comes back? What if he tries to kill us again?"

"He won't Carol." Torque assured her, his voice grim and certain.

Carol's face twisted into a scowl.

"And how can you know that?" She snarled.

"Because he's not stupid enough to hang around." Torque pointed out. "Brevon will be making his way towards the nearest friendly planet he can find. He's not stupid enough to waste time on personal vendettas."

Carol glowered at him. Tears shone on her cheeks.

"And what happens when he finishes that and comes back?" She asked quietly.

Torque knew this was a dangerous question. Carol needed closure to this. Sweat broke out on his brow. He didn't have an easy answer to that. She was right. After all of this he couldn't even promise the nightmare was over!

"I'll make sure he never does." Torque promised quietly. "I swear, Carol."

He battled to keep his own frustration and fear out of his voice. He didn't even sound convincing to himself. Carol looked away for a moment, as if considering that. Then she pushed Torque away from her as hard as she could. Torque overbalanced and toppled to the ground. Suddenly, she was standing over him. For the first time since he'd met her Torque was afraid of Carol. There was a truly dark look on her face. She carried the threat of violence. Young as she was Carol could probably have crushed Torque's head if she wanted to. She was still an alien on a planet filled with many dangerous aliens.

Then Torque heard the fear in Carol's voice.

"You're not strong enough to keep him away!" she yelled.

Even through her rage Carol's voice was breaking. Torque hung his head, blinking rapidly. His dread turned to cold shame.

"You can't even protect yourself! Last time you tried we had to come in and bail you out. And we almost died."

"I'm sorry Carol…" Torque pleaded.

It sounded pathetic. Even to him. Carol regarded him fiercely for a second.

"On your feet." she demanded.

"Huh?" Torque looked up, surprise breaking through his guilt. Carol didn't relent.

"GET UP!"

She pulled on his arm. Torque was dragged to his feet, too stunned to protest. As soon as he was on his feet Carol pushed him away again. He staggered backwards. Carol advanced on him.

"Carol!" he pleaded, alarmed.

"Defend yourself!" Carol demanded. "Fight back!"

Torque defended himself. He didn't have a choice, even if he would never raise a fist back.

Carol hit him.

She tried to. He managed to parry the first blow that she threw his way. Carol threw another. Torque backed away. He tried to put some distance between himself and the furious wildcat. Carol kept advancing. It was painfully obvious she wasn't even trying. Torque knew that she wanted him to fight back. He wouldn't. Torque couldn't fight back, not against Carol!

Carol didn't have the heart to really hit him either. Her rage turned to water the instant she realised what she was doing. She relented miserably. Torque watched her slump down utterly defeated. Suddenly, he wished she really had hit him.

"You see?" She said, tears sliding down her face. "You can't even defend yourself against me. And I'm not even trying to hurt you."

Torque felt colour burn his cheeks. He could hear the insecurity in Carol's voice. The complete lack of faith she had in him. It was justified. He felt worthless. How was he supposed to protect someone who was stronger than he was?

"Don't go after Brevon Torque." Carol pleaded quietly. "Go home instead. You're not strong enough. You'll just get hurt."

Carol's helplessness stung Torque. Suddenly, his face hardened.

"Try that again." he demanded.

Carol's eyes widened in surprise.

"Huh?"

"I said try it again!" Torque yelled. "And this time don't go easy on me!"

Carol was stunned. She went rigid at the anger in his voice.

"Torque…" she began.

"I mean it!" Torque yelled. "Come on!"

Carol's voice hardened. She shook her head.

"You can't be serious." she said, upset. "I'll knock your head off."

"Trust me. You won't."

Carol stared. He was so certain. Torque couldn't believe it himself.

"Al… alright." she said.

She advanced. Carol swung as hard as she could, and...

THUMP.

Suddenly, she was flat on her back.

Torque had her by the arm, a leg right beside her head. If he'd wanted to, he could have locked her in place.

"Huh?" Carol said.

Torque was staring down at her. He had a grave expression on his face. He'd thrown her over his shoulder.

"Did that actually just happen?" she thought.

"Did I seriously just flip Carol?" Torque thought.

He'd shocked himself. He stepped away, worried. He'd thrown Carol onto her back. Her heart hadn't been beating ten minutes ago...

...but Carol got to her feet calmly. Torque was surprised to find that he was calm too. The two allies regarded one another for a moment on equal footing.

Then Carol grinned.

"That. Was. Awesome!" she cried. "Do it again!"

"No, Carol." Torque said. His expression told Carol instantly that it wasn't a feat to be repeated. An awkward silence descended.

"Umm… I didn't know you could do that." Carol acknowledged quietly.

"Wasn't quite sure I could do it myself." Torque replied. "But I wasn't going to let you look at me like that. Like I was a coward."

Carol hung her head. Torque sighed heavily.

"You're right, Carol." He began. "I can't promise you'll be safe. I can't even promise Brevon won't come back for a second try."

Carol continued to look down. She shoved her hands in her pockets.

"But I can promise that I will do my best to ensure he never lays a hand on you or Lilac again. I'll rebuild the Chasers myself if I have to."

Carol regarded him silently. Awed by that commitment. She looked away quickly, fresh tears shimmering in her eyes.

"You're a really brave guy, Torque. I wish I could be that brave." she whispered.

Torque regarded her carefully for a moment.

"You are that brave." he assured her. "You're a lot braver than me. What you did back at the base. That took courage."

"But I'm scared all the time!" Carol said, deep shame creeping into her voice. "With Lilac, it's like it doesn't affect her at all!"

Carol locked up, realising how darkly ludicrous what she'd just said was.

"Or at least, I thought it didn't affect her. But even if she was scared, just look at what she's-"

"Carol that's what courage is." Torque explained. He spoke quietly but firmly. "True courage anyway."

Carol shivered. A tear broke out and made a path down her cheek. Torque continued.

"Courage isn't about not feeling any fear. Anyone who went through what you guys did would be terrified. If you weren't scared right now, I'd think there was something wrong with your head."

She nodded. Silent.

"How old are you Carol?" Torque asked suddenly.

Carol was a little taken aback by the question.

"Umm… twelve?" She croaked. Torque shook his head in disbelief.

"And how many twelve year olds do you think would throw themselves into a base full of enemy soldiers? Even with a plan?"

Carol looked away. The praise clearly made her uncomfortable. She saw this as her greatest failing. She hesitated.

"I had to save Lilac," she managed finally. "I had to save my friend."

"Yeah, you did," Torque said softly. "And you did, because you love her that much."

Carol gasped. She shivered like she'd been given an electric shock. Weakly, she staggered forward…

…and then buried herself in his chest.

This time Carol really did let go. She cried uncontrollably. Torque comforted her as best he could. There were no words this time. Nothing could be said. She was just a terrified little kid who had latched onto the closest adult figure she trusted. Carol vented all the horrors of the last few days out into the cold winter air. Torque waited her out calmly, trying to fight down his own emotions.

Maybe it wasn't over. Maybe there were more dangers to come. Tomorrow, next week, or two years from now when the nightmares came back. At least Carol was finally getting a chance to express what those terrors meant to her, what they meant to a twelve-year-old child who had been thrown into the middle of a war... a child who had had to fight because there weren't any adults to protect her world. Terror, guilt and loneliness spilled out of her.

Eventually Carol recovered enough to stop weeping. Torque let her slide gently back out of his embrace. She was quiet. There was a truly miserable expression on her face, but Torque sensed she was finally calm.

"Lilac's taking a long time." she whispered.

Torque considered that. Fear began to creep back into Carol's voice.

"Do you think we should-"

"I know Carol, but it's not a good idea. There's no path, and we could miss them in the dark. I know it's difficult, but we're just going to have to stay put.

Carol looked down uncomfortably. She was still rigid with tension.

"Come on, take a seat." Torque said gently.

She did so. Reluctantly, Carol took a seat in the grass. Tentatively, Torque took a seat behind her. He leant gently against her back. Carol flinched, but she relaxed a bit at the gesture. It was comforting and a bit less intense than speaking face to face. It gave her a bit of privacy for her emotions, but it still afforded her some comfort. Torque was warm. They were silent for a time, sitting back to back.

Torque could feel the growing tension.

"Milla!" Carol burst.

"She's ok, Carol." Torque said quickly.

Carol shivered with insecurity. Torque pressed on.

"Some of the general's soldiers came back with more petals. She's got enough for a while."

That made her feel a little better. Carol's tension dropped. She slumped down, resting her head weakly against his shoulders. Torque bore it. He wasn't used to this. He fought the urge to shift uncomfortably.

"So all of this was for nothing then?" Carol asked.

"Pretty much." Torque said.

Carol didn't miss the bitterness in his voice. He'd been trying to save Milla and to not get them hurt. It had blown up in his face.

"You were just trying to help, Torque." Carol assured him.

She leant forward, taking some of the pressure off his shoulder blades. Torque grimaced.

"I was… obsessed with getting those petals for Milla. And with making sure none of you three had to fight again. I was so absorbed with that that I didn't even realise I was leading you straight into danger."

"I should have woken Lilac," Carol admitted. "I made the same dumb mistake. Thinking I was being brave when I was being stupid," She sighed. "Guess we're both a bit silly, huh?"

Torque's face fell, and he was glad Carol couldn't see him. He knew he owed Carol more respect, but it still stung to fall foul of the same follies as a kid. There was an uncomfortable silence.

"How'd you find us?" Torque asked.

Carol shivered.

"I followed your notes. And then I found that hole you guys made in the thorns."

"Did you leap?" Torque asked. He wasn't quite able to keep the astonishment out of his voice.

"Yeah." Carol admitted. "Pretty dumb, huh?"

"Shoot." Torque cursed quietly. He shook his head. They both remembered that drop in the dark.

"I was forced to jump," Torque explained. "You mean you actually chose to do that?"

"Yup…" Carol said. Her face fell.

"And you say you're not brave. Crazy."

A brief silence fell as the conversation dried up naturally.

"Bravery feels kind of overrated these days." Carol observed.

"It's underrated actually. But you're right, it does need a little bit of thought behind it." Torque explained gently.

There was still no Lilac. The atmosphere began to darken again. Torque was about to press on when Carol broke the silence.

"How old are you, Torque?" She asked suddenly. "You don't seem very old for a commander."

"Or a soldier." Carol thought quietly. She kept that bit silent.

"How old do you think a commander is supposed to be?" Torque asked. Carol thought she heard a hint of defensiveness in his voice.

"I don't know but old. Like thirty or something." Carol explained.

"Thirty nine's the average actually," Torque informed her, sighing. "But I guess I didn't have much of a choice."

Carol listened sympathetically. She knew what he meant.

"None of us really had any choice." she thought. "Unless we wanted Brevon to win."

"I've only been a commander for a month anyway," Torque explained. "Not that I feel like much of one."

"Buddy, if you start beating yourself up too I'm going to break something," Carol warned. "and there aren't any trees nearby."

"Yes ma'am."

Torque fell silent. Carol continued through the gap provided.

"We're all just doing our best, aren't we?" Carol reflected.

Torque thought about that for a second.

"I lied about my age to join the Chasers." he said suddenly.

An awkward silence descended.

"Oh…" Carol said quietly. "Umm…"

She hesitated.

"How old were you then?" She asked.

"Sixteen." Torque answered. "'About the same age as Lilac I guess. Not that they asked many questions at the time. I guess I wanted to help too. Just like you guys."

"When was that?" Carol asked.

"A year ago."

Carol shivered.

A year of this. she thought. A year of fighting Brevon. Three days was almost enough to kill us.

That would wear anybody down.. Carol didn't press any further. She didn't ask how Torque became a commander. Blunt common sense filled in the blanks for her. There was only one way a seventeen-year-old could find himself in a position like that.

"I'm really sorry Torque." she whispered.

Torque gave a heavy sigh, his emotions getting the better of him. It only got worse when Carol clutched his hand.

"Listen to me," he said, his voice breaking. "Now I'm tearing up."

Carol said nothing. She didn't know what to say. All she could do was wait quietly for Torque to settle himself down. He was older. He could compose himself, even if the intensity of the grief wasn't any less.

"Torque," she finally began "do you think that maybe we should come-"

"Absolutely not Carol." Torque said instantly.

Carol's face fell.

"It's not because you aren't strong. Or brave," Torque explained. "You're just too young."

Three days ago Carol might have argued with that. Torque continued.

"I couldn't do this again Carol. Not with you guys. There's a galaxy of people out there who will help now that Brevon's fleet is destroyed. You don't need to go to those lengths."

Carol felt a weight drop off her shoulders as he said that. That was really what she needed to hear. She needed to know that there were other, older people out there. Now they could shoulder the responsibility.

At the same time she felt disappointed.

"You're going to have to leave, aren't you?" She said. She couldn't keep a hint of grief out of her voice.

"Yes Carol," Torque said gently. "I am."

"Will you ever come back?"

Torque took a moment to consider that question, and the sheer weight behind it. He wanted to say yes, but it wasn't that simple.

"I can't promise anything Carol." he said finally.

Carol let out a sob. She stirred a little, upset. Torque shut his eyes. This would perhaps be the worst part of all, he knew. He would have to say goodbye without knowing if they would ever meet again. If something terrible happened to him in the meantime, they would never know what had happened. Though they would forever ask themselves.

"Why?" she asked. Hurt.

Torque sighed.

"Carol Avalice is designated as a protected world. Citizens of the alliance… people like me… aren't supposed to interfere. We're supposed to let you develop at your own pace. Figure things out on your own."

"So don't help or anything." Carol said bitterly.

"It's not about that Carol." Torque explained.

He sighed, thinking about how to explain something this complicated.

"Look, imagine if you were living in a small village. You're happy, you're settled, you've found your way and you're steadily building up to bigger and better things."

"Ok." Carol said. He'd made her curious.

"And then all of a sudden these strange people turn up. And they turn your village on its head. They sell your leaders things they don't know how to use, they push their ideas of how things should be done onto your priests and priestesses, and they give your soldiers powerful weapons that they don't know how to wield properly. And they expect you to just know what to do."

"Ok, so there's some new ideas and a few new religions and some powerful weapons," Carol observed. "What's the problem?"

Torque grimaced.

"The problem, Carol, is that when you do that with a world that hasn't discovered space travel yet it starts to cause problems. People start to fight over the new ideas, and then they start to fight using the new weapons they've been given. Then other people from the other planets start taking sides, and they start fighting too. And the people on the first planet tell them to stop, but…"

He sighed.

"At that point it's too late. There are too many angry people with guns pointing them at one another, and too many fragile egos on the line for each side. So the war goes on. And the planet dies." Torque concluded grimly.

Carol was silent for a while after Torque finished speaking. Absorbing that.

"People are pretty dumb, aren't they?" she pondered.

"They can be," Torque observed. "but that's why we have that rule. So planets like Avalice are protected from the sheer amount of stupidity out there."

Carol was taken aback by the bitterness in Torque's voice, but she stayed silent.

"On the other hand…" Torque sighed. "Who knows?"

"What?" Carol asked.

"Avalice… might be a bit of a special case," Torque explained. "I mean, your people have already clearly been affected by alien technology."

"You mean the Kingdom Stone?" Carol asked.

"Well, yes…" Torque began. "…but it's a bit more complicated than that. How many people do you think saw that starship explode Carol? A million? More?"

Carol blinked. She hadn't even thought of that. Torque continued.

"Your people already know aliens exist, and that they can be dangerous. We already don't know what that's going to do. If they haven't been working on it before, I'd imagine your leaders are going to start working on space travel pretty fast."

Carol felt a jolt of excitement at that idea. Then her heart sank.

"But without the Kingdom Stone we'll never…" she broke off. Torque continued.

"That brings me to my next point. The damage we've done to your world. Carol… our war destroyed your most precious artefact. And that comes after you helped damage the cause of one of the most dangerous people in the galaxy. A lot of people are in your debt."

"So you'll help?" Carol perked up.

She felt a little hope return, but it sank down again as Torque gave a heavy sigh.

"Maybe Carol. I don't know. There are a lot of selfish people on the council. And more who just won't think it's a good idea."

Carol's face fell. That fit in all too well with her own experience. She sighed.

"Will you at least try?" she asked finally.

"Yes," Torque promised. He didn't hesitate this time. "If I get the chance, I'll come back. Even if it's just for a little visit."

Carol sighed with relief. That was something then, a little spark of hope for the future.

"So what are you guys going to do once all this is over?" Torque asked gently.

Carol dwelt on that. She hadn't really thought about it. Planning for the future she wasn't sure was even there had seemed like a waste of time.

"I don't know," she began. "Stealing from the temple was the only plan we had. But with the Stone gone…" she broke off.

Her shoulders slumped. Lack of pilgrims was probably going to be the least of their problems.

"Surely you can't go back to stealing after all this. There has to be another way Carol."

Carol brooded. She didn't know what to say to that.

"You think it's bad, don't you? That I'm a thief."

Torque shifted uncomfortably at how bluntly she'd said that. He thought for a moment. He tried to broach the subject diplomatically.

"I just don't think it's fair Carol. You two… you three now. You deserve better than that."

Carol didn't know what to say.

She didn't think about it as a bad way of life, even if it was dangerous sometimes. They could make a decent living at it. Their treehouse in the valley was a lot more comfortable than most houses in town. They weren't rich, far from it, but the wolves weren't exactly at the door either.

They'd been in a little bit of trouble recently. Security at the temple had tightened, and they'd temporarily suspended their raids. They'd been planning something big the day Torque crashed into the valley. It would have restored the war chest a bit.

Torque's next question caught her off-guard.

"Carol, do you three really have no one else? Was it just you two living together in the forest?"

Torque was scared to ask that question. It sounded so obvious and hurtful. Carol considered it for a long time, playing it over in her head. There was a dreadful silence.

Finally, she spoke.

"Listen… you can't tell anyone else about this, ok?" she said nervously.

"Carol?" Torque asked. He was worried about where this was going.

"Please?" Carol pleaded. "Not even Lilac. Especially not Lilac."

Torque tensed up. He didn't like this. If it was big enough for Carol to keep it from Lilac, that meant one of two things. One, it was so awful that Carol was truly ashamed of it. Two, if Lilac found out it could seriously hurt her. Torque considered the possibility that it might be both. And it might have to come out, sooner or later. However, he could tell Carol was about to burst under the pressure of whatever dreadful secret this was. He wasn't prepared to let her shoulder it. He assented nervously.

"Alright," he promised reluctantly. "What is it?"

"I ran away from home."

Torque froze.

"Oh no…"

Behind him, Carol had gone frighteningly still. The horrible confession rang out through the clearing. Every poisonous implication settled over them both. Torque instantly regretted his promise.

"What happened?" Torque whispered. A cloud of black depression settled over him. He struggled to keep a note of anger out of his voice. Carol's voice dropped to a whisper.

"I followed another group of kids back to the base," she explained. "And I kind of just… stayed. I didn't know what I was doing at the time."

They were both silent.

"I guess it just seemed… cooler than back home I guess."

"How old were you?" Torque asked, more sympathetically.

"Six." Carol said.

Even in that one word, Torque could hear the conflict in her voice. He listened intently. Carol went on, her voice breaking.

"I thought about going home sometimes. But I was part of the Scarves then. If Spade had ever found out that I had parents waiting for me, he would have skinned me alive. And if Lilac had known…"

Carol shivered. Torque didn't need to be told.

"She'd have dragged her back home herself. Even if it meant crossing all three kingdoms." Torque supposed.

Then his mind filled in the last horrible blank.

"And then she'd have been all alone. That's why Carol doesn't want her to know."

Torque broke the horrible silence that fell as fast as possible.

"Carol you need to tell her," he insisted. "She needs to know. You can't hide something like this from her."

"I can't," Carol said, a hint of bitterness in her voice. "If she finds out, she'll blame herself. And I can't do that to her. Especially now." she finished miserably.

Torque's gut twisted. This was a truly horrible situation. Carol must have been carrying that guilt for years. Her parents were probably still looking for her. Torque also wondered if there were any other "orphans" who had stumbled into the Scarves and then simply wound up staying there indefinitely.

On the other hand he knew that if Lilac found out now, after so many bad shocks before…

"I know I'll have to tell her eventually Torque. The truth. But I can't do it right now, not like this. You have to promise me you'll keep this a secret."

Torque made to respond, but before he could say another word…

"Keep what a secret?"

Both of them flinched.

That had been Lilac's voice. She was standing just a few feet away. Neither of them knew how much of that conversation she'd heard.