BITTER AND TAINTED

A week has passed and finally she gets a day off from the office. In spite of herself, Xiao Yo looked forward to having the weekend all to herself. It's about time she goes out and sees Seattle, she decided, before going back at the office on Monday. A week more and they'll be going back home.

She glanced towards the small kitchen where Drew sat, cleaning his camera lens while waiting for their dinner to be cooked. She smiled at the sight of him seated there, his brows knitted in concentration with what hes doing. She was truly grateful for his presence. During the day while she's at the office, he'd be off assisting his college roommate Carl in the last- minute wedding preparations. When she comes back to their pad at the end of the day, he's already there, and they would tell each other how their day went as they prepare dinner.

A few times she pondered their situation. Quite like a married couple. But he has been nothing but a gentleman towards her.

The small walk-in closet at the other end of the hall has temporarily turned into a darkroom, where Drew works with his films. It was fascinating to watch him work on the films and see the outcome of the shots he has taken. Feeling envious that he should be going around town while she's stuck at the office, she made him promise to take her around town during the weekend, something she anticipated.

During the five days she stayed under the same roof with Drew, she found out more about him. For example, he is at ease in the kitchen, brought about by the fact that, aside from his mother, there were no other women in the house and he learned to be independent at a young age, brought up rigidly by a Marine father. He can be quite impatient, not really keen on having to wait for anything when he knew it can be done in the here and now. But, more importantly, with him around, Xiao Yo felt safe, protected.

A feeling of calm settled over her, and she leaned back on the couch. Suddenly that sense of peace left her as her mind shifted to Xi Men again, feeling that familiar pang of pain and wistfulness she had come to associate with him of late.

More than anything she does not want to hate him, and she realized if she kept on doing this to herself, that might just happen. She does not want to end up hating him in the end. Maybe he was right all along, about her staying away from him.

She just realized too late. But not yet too late, she hoped, for her to recover.

From the kitchen table, Drew laid down the camera and sighed in satisfaction. Dinners taking too long and now hes famished. His eyes strayed to the living room where Xiao Yo was curled on the couch, reading. Well, at least that's what she was doing when he last looked in her direction. Now she just lay there, the open book laid on top of her belly, staring into space.

Not wanting to disturb her, Drew went about setting the table and preparing dinner. After a few minutes, Xiao Yo looked up, startled, as Drew laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Dinner's ready," he said, and went back to the table, Xiao Yo following closely. She inhaled deeply when she was seated across the table from Drew.

"Hmmm," she murmured. "That smells so good! I can't get over how good you are in the kitchen! You put my culinary skills to shame!"

He smiled, suddenly self-conscious at her lavish praise. "So now you're changing your opinion about Marine brats?" he teased.

"Hmmm," she pretended to think it over. "If all Marine brats cook like this, then I am sorry for the American Armed Forces because sooner or later all their men are going to turn so fat they would no longer be of any use to the State!"

Drews eyes settled on her, loving the sound of laughter in her voice, her eyes alit. He must have been staring hard because she asked, "What? Do I have dirt on my face or something?"

He shook his head. "It feels so good to see you like this. Smiling...laughing..."She looked down. "You can't believe how hard it was for me, seeing you so sad in the last few days. I was so worried."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "but...why would you worry so much?"

His eyes widened on her as though she had just lost her mind. "What are you, blind? Surely you can tell when a guy is just being friendly or serious."

Xiao Yo did not speak. In her subconscious she knew this was coming. Drew could not have been interested in her merely as a friend. He had been very nice to her, always there when she was down and out, not really pressing or asking about anything. He was just...there.

Drew went on speaking. "I am interested in you, not just as a writer, not just as a friend. Somehow I know you knew that. You're a smart girl, and I've never been too good at hiding anything, especially not from you."

She stared at him, seeing his heart in his eyes as he laid it bare before her. Guilt is overriding her, and also understanding for she had felt the same way towards another before...

"I am falling for you." He gave a small laugh. "This may sound pretty stupid, but I think I fell in love with you the moment I read one of your works. All the time I was thinking, 'Wow. This girl sure could write,' and I wondered what made you write those. I found myself wanting to know more about the person who conjured these words, about the mind that put them together into something that makes sense, even..." he reached for her hand and squeezed it repeatedly. "even the hands that penned them."

"Then something happened," he lifted his gaze and held hers. "I somehow sensed from the start there was a certain sadness about you, but it was never fully revealed to me until the last few days."

"Drew..."

"I never asked before, Xiao Yo, and I won't start asking now. Whatever it is that's bothering you, don't forget you have me."

Xiao Yo became silent for a long time, and when she looked up, Drew saw uncertainty in her eyes.

"His name is Xi Men," she began. The man I love the most." Drew's face became shadowed but he stayed in his place, ready to hear whatever it is she's about to tell him.

Like something that has long been locked up within her, the words spilled out. She found herself telling him things she has never told anyone, not even Shancai.

All throughout Drew listened, and soon their dinner was forgotten. He never said anything throughout her speech, merely listening, showing no reaction. When Xiao Yo told him of the phone call she had with the girl Hannah, he nodded, remembering when she broke down.

When she was finished and fell to silence, Drew leaned back. "You still love him." It was not a question. It was a statement, and Xiao Yo's only reply was more silence.

"He's crazy," he said, smiling and shaking his head. "Why me? Obviously you've never told these to anyone...why tell me?"

Xiao Yo had asked herself that question a second ago, and she knew the answer. She smiled, albeit wistfully.

"Because the moment I decided to give up this...futile adoration, I looked up and...there you were. I never cried over him since I came back from Taipei, and the first time I let the tears flow, you held me."

He was silent for a long while, then asked, "Why are you giving him up?"

"It's about time I let it go," she replied, surprised at how easily the words came out. "This is where I get off, Drew. I don't think I could go on any more."

"This girl...Hannah...what if she is lying?"

Xiao Yo took a deep breath, remembering the other woman's words. "Even so. I realized...if it were not her, then it would be another woman. And the pain would be the same. Even if she's lying, this doesn't change the fact that he would never love me."

The three words came out, and Drew did not regret saying them out loud. "I love you."

"I know," she whispered, "and I'm sorry."

Not understanding, Drew shook his head. "What sorry?"

"I cannot love you back...yet. In my heart...there's still him."

He nodded in understanding. "But will you give me, us, a chance?"

Her eyes locked into his and he saw fear in her eyes that he sought to assuage her fears. "I will never hurt you," he said.

"That's the least of my worries, because I know you won't," she said. "It's just..." She swallowed. "You know what my greatest fear is? I'm afraid that I could never love you even half as much as you love me. I'm afraid of hurting you...of failing you."

His grip on her hand tightened. "Whatever you do, you will never fail me." He smiled. "Patience has never been one of my very few virtues. But I'm willing to wait, Xiao Yo," he vowed, using her Chinese name, "until you learn to love me."

"Now that you know I am in love with another, why do you still love me?"

With a lift of his shoulders, he said, "The same reason you still love him despite his shortcomings. Because I just do."

"I don't think I'll ever forget Xi Men," she said.

"And I don't think I want you to, either," he said firmly, shaking his head. "I know some huge part of you will always love him, and I won't stand against that. I'm just here."

Drew stood up and walked over to her, taking her in his arms. Xiao Yo closed her eyes and laid her cheek on his chest, feeling his heartbeat as he stroked her hair.

"I'm just here..."

What's wrong? Is she sick? What if something happened to her?

Xi Men's gaze slid towards Shancai and Dao Ming Si, laughing at something Mei Zuo said. The five of them, with Mei Zuo and Hua Ze Lei, were all lounging by the campus benches at Ying De, waiting for their next class.

It was Hua Ze Lei who noticed Xi Men not being with them. "Something bothers you," he observed quietly.

All eyes turned on him. "I thought you already had your phone back," Shancai wondered aloud.

Xi Men shook his head. "Don't mind me," he said. "I just don't feel too good today." Actually he had the urge to ask Shancai about Xiao Yo, but bit back the question. Anyway, if something indeed happened to Xiao Yo, Shancai would be one of the first to know.

When they were on their way to class, Hua Ze Lei took him aside. "I'm worried about you," he said, and this made Xi Men laugh.

"I'm touched," he jested, "that you should be worried about me. Normally you're just this stoic statue." He laughed, but even to him it sounded hollow.

Lei gave him a thoughtful look and said, 'Would it happen to be Xiao Yo?" he asked.

In surprise, Xi Men looked at his friend, who merely smiled, and said, "If it helps, I remember Shancai telling me that Xiao Yo is in Seattle, on an internship."

It helped. Seattle. Maybe she's swamped with work. Xi Men felt himself almost go weak with relief. He smiled at Lei. "Thanks," he said and, looping an arm around Lei's shoulders, went to class.

God, how he missed her voice!

Everyone seemed curious about her. Since they arrived at the wedding and later at the reception in one of the plush hotels in Seattle, everyone was wondering about Drew's Chinese girlfriend.

Girlfriend. Xiao Yo smiled serenely. Since that night last weekend everything had changed. She was no longer Drew's friend; now she's his girlfriend.

Drew knew almost everyone at the wedding; some of them attended the same college, worked with him, or simply knew him. And they were all very friendly towards Xiao Yo that she found herself blending in easily, feeling utterly welcome in their circle. They didn't even seem to give much thought to the fact that she's Chinese; they were just glad to finally meet the woman Drew loves.

Watching them now, Xiao Yo could sense the deep feelings of love and respect these people have for Drew.

Letting Xi Men go was probably one of the hardest and most painful decisions she has ever made. After all, she still loves him despite the fact that she has never laid eyes on him for a very long time now, not even his voice reached her ears. But she had to let go. It had to be done. It was an act that was long overdue.

And probably, too, one of the best decisions she has ever made of late was choosing Drew. He isn't hard to love. Soon, when the time is right, she's pretty sure she'll love him back...the way he loves her...the way she loved Xi Men.

And she will get over him. Soon.