Oh my gawd! This update was too long coming. Sorry for my one or two fans who may have given up by now. But, never fear, this Fic is never far from my mind. Lots of stuff happened last chapter, namely we said goodby to Seth Clearwater and said hello to Edward's gross finger. I mean, really? Yuck. This chapter we explore more of what Bella has to do to get Edward back and how her human/wolfy friends are dealing with the reality of her choices.

Cheers!

PART 2

5

"What the hell is this?" I waved the severed finger in Billy Black's face.

"A finger," He said.

"I know it's a goddamn finger!" I shouted, "What was Edward's finger doing around Seth Clearwater's neck?"

"You're bleeding. Did you know? Just above the eyebrow." Billy cocked his head to the side and scrutinized my wound.

My hand leapt to my forehead and produced a viscous black liquid. "Oh," I mumbled, "must have happened when I, um, attacked Jasper."

"Black blood, is it then?" He asked, his voice full of distaste, "They have their hooks in you deeper than we imagined."

"The finger, Billy," I sighed in exasperation, "What about Edward's finger?"

"The Pack all have a piece of your boy. They're trophies and insurance."

The Cullens hissed low in their chests. I held up a hand for them to quiet, "Insurance for what?"

"No vampires," Billy declared, "For every vampire you bring onto our scared lands, we'll burn one piece of him."

Jasper moved to speak but I silenced him with a sharp gesture. He bristled and walked a few paces off, muttering angry words under his breath.

"Billy, that's hardly fair. How am I supposed to do this alone?" I carefully wrapped Edward's wriggling finger back in the moleskin pouch and put it around my neck. It lay heavily against my chest.

"You're not alone, Bella. You've never been alone. You're human, stick to your own kind for help."

"They're his family," I motioned to the Cullens, who were now grouped together and talking in low voices. Rosalie had rejoined them, her eyes a shade of brilliant scarlet. "They have a right to help find him."

"They're not of his blood."

"Family is more than blood, Billy Black. My father would be ashamed to hear you talk like this."

Billy sat straight in his chair and jabbed a finger at me, "We burn one body part every time a goddamn unconsecrated corpse walks onto our lands. Remember that, Bella. We'll let today's transgressions go, next time we won't be so forgiving."

"Ha! Forgiving. That's new." I shook my head, fighting the bitter taste in my mouth, "So where do we start?"

"We have four pieces here. In our lodge. They're all waiting for you now."

"Who's waiting for me?"

He simply smiled and rolled his wheelchair around. I turned to follow, hoping to God I knew what I was doing. "Who's waiting for me? Billy? Come on, wait up!" The old Chief slowed his pace, "Not so fast," he glowered, "You'll need to get Seth back to his mother."

Reluctantly I turned to look at the dead body on the ground. Not sleeping, but dead, my mind whispered, not sleeping, not going to wake up again.

"Of course," I breathed, trying to stave off the panic I felt growing in my gut, "What do I need to do?"

"Carry him." Billy said without humor.

"But he's like twice my size!" I cried.

"Your friends murdered Sue Clearwater's son. The least you can do is carry his body back to her."

I blanched but acquiesced. Emmett met me at the corpse, "You sure you want to do this?" He asked.

"It's what's right." I sighed, "Seth never had a problem with vampires, but he was killed by one anyway. This literally is the least I can do." I nodded, signaling I was ready. Emmett sighed and picked up the dead boy, "Turn around, I'll have to put him on your back." Of all the Cullens, Emmett looked the most remorseful about the day's events. His naturally easygoing smile had disappeared behind a somber mask.

The weight of Seth's body nearly toppled me, but I grit my teeth and laboriously righted myself. My lower abdomen intensified it's painful throbbing and I fought a wave of nausea; I would have to feed again soon if the baby was ever going to give it a rest. Taking a shaky step I realized even with Seth set high on my back his feet would drag on the ground. This was going to be a slow, painful walk. Before I moved to meet up with Billy, I shot Jasper what I hoped was a shameful glare. He just stared back, his expression blank.

The Cullens moved to follow us, but I waved them off. Alice flitted to my side, "You don't want us to come with?" She asked, a little pout on her lips.

"Not this time, Alice." I grunted and shifted Seth's weight around, "They'll burn Edward if you do."

She narrowed her eyes and glared at Billy, "I know. We all heard him. What do you want us to do?"

"Wait by the car, I'll be back soon." I paused, "Don't tell Carlisle and Esme yet. You can't break this to them over the phone."

She zipped away to tell the other vampires, who all objected until the burning was mentioned. Then, one by one, they left in white blurs. Jasper was the last to go, he gave Billy and I a murderous scowl before darting off into the forest.

Billy chuckled, "He's hotheaded, that blond one."

"You have no idea," I sighed.

When we finally came upon the lodge door, Billy wheeled around to face me, "Do you know why I'm helping you?"

"No." I said through clenched teeth, hoisting Seth further up my back. His body temperature was frigid and I shivered when his cold, dead cheek pressed against mine. Just like Edward, my mind screamed, Just as dead, just as cold. I forced the thought away.

"Because Jacob would want me to," He said simply.

"Now, that I don't believe," I half laughed, half grimaced.

"Ah, but how else is he ever going to see you again?" Billy asked as the lodge doors opened.

Edward and I were sitting in a booth in the town's only diner. I was busily eating lunch while he was pretending to enjoy his coffee. Snow was falling hard outside, blanketing Fork's small downtown in a white haze.

"Wow, I'll be 18 soon. That's so crazy, it's like 6,000 days ago I was born."

"6,570," Edward corrected.

I laughed, "Thanks. So how many hours is that then?"

"157,680."

"And min-"

He interrupted, "9,460,800 minutes. 567,648,000 seconds. " He seemed unusually distant; distracted by something I couldn't guess. And if I was being honest with myself, he sounded bored.

"567,648,000 and 1," I corrected, "I'm getting older as we speak. You better change me soon," I half-joked, "I'm no good to you dead."

"Did you know a live body and a dead body contain the same number of atoms?" Edward gazed out the window as he spoke, watching the snowfall, "Structurally speaking there's no noticeable differences."

"Except that the body is dead," I scoffed, "That is a noticeable difference to vampires, I'm assuming?"

Edward looked around; making sure nobody heard my little outburst. When he was sure no one was paying attention he muttered, "Life and Death are unquantifiable abstracts to my kind." He continued to casually stir his coffee, pretending to enjoy it. I tried hard not to be disturbed by his human charade. His mannerisms were so well rehearsed I sometimes forgot they weren't natural. I sometimes forgot how real vampires acted. But today, with his stupid coffee getting slowly colder between us, I couldn't ignore the lies, however white.

"Unquantifiable." I parroted, frowning.

He sighed, his unnatural amber eyes bright and searching, "We participate in neither the creation of life nor do we experience the miracle of death. The older I get the more difficult it is to be concerned with them at all. I'm worried about causing death, sure. But dying? I can't say I ever think about it."

I dropped my pizza slice and signaled the waitress for the check.

"Aren't you hungry?" Edward fussed, "You should eat something."

"I've lost my appetite." I replied coolly as I paid the bill. When I attempted to stand he put a strong hand on my arm, restraining me, "Why does my perception of reality distress you?" I tried not to notice his bright eyes clouding over with an oily blackness.

"Because it's inhuman." I shook him off and he reluctantly dropped his hand. "Because it drives me insane." I gathered my bag and car keys in a huff, "Call me when you can tell the difference between the living and the dead." I marched out of the diner, tears annoyingly pricking my eyes.

I didn't want to be mad at him. I didn't want to view him as unnatural. But I also didn't want a boyfriend who talked about death like it was no big deal. Dying was all I ever thought about anymore. My death. My family's. Thoughts that never surfaced until I met the Cullens.

As I made my way home, spinning the tires on every patch of ice, I was painfully aware I didn't know what I wanted.

Jessica Stanley was lounging on the picnic tables outside Forks High School. She was wearing an annoyingly adorable sundress that was way too short. It looked like a goddess had decided to bask in the sun, blessing us mere mortals with her company. I walked by Mike Newton, who was ignoring Jessica and showing off his new phone to Tyler Crowley. "What up, La Bella Notte?" Tyler put his arm around my shoulders, "Where's that playa Cullen?"

"Camping," I lied.

"Psssh, that fool ditches like every other day. How's he not expelled yet?" Mike lamented as he turned his phone sideways to show Tyler a video of an LOL cat.

"His parents pull him out and he like gets straight A's or some shit," Tyler chimed in as the tiny phone cat stumbled drunkenly into a wall, "Awe man, that cat is hilarious."

I rolled my eyes, "You're using a smart phone to watch a video of a sedated cat?"

"Do you want to watch that video of the guy with a chainsaw on a rope?" Mike asked, obviously not getting my meaning. "Um, no." I hedged, "It's cool." I left the boys to sit with Jessica in the sun. It was one month to the day that Edward and I started dating and my 'human' friends were warming up to the idea. It was odd to hear them talking so casually about Edward, like he was almost a friend.

"Hey Jess, how's it going?" I plopped myself down on the picnic table.

"God," she moaned, "Was Mike trying to show you the video of that stupid cat?"

I laughed, "Yeah, it was thrilling."

"Oh, like, I know right? I had to watch it a million times last night." She shifted her hair from one shoulder to the next.

"Last night, huh?" I teased.

She feigned a blush, "Oh, yeah. You know. It's getting pretty heavy now."

"Are you guys in love?" I asked curiously.

"Who, me and Mike?"

"Duh, who else R-tard?"

"Bitch!" She replied playfully and whacked me on the arm, "Well I'd have to think about that." She sighed, readjusting her sunglasses.

"It's not really a thinking question," I mumbled.

"Well…" She started in a tone of deep contemplation, "I worship him and all. If he died, I die. If he told me to cut off my left arm, I'd probably do it."

"Alright, alright. I get it." I felt irritation suddenly overtake me. It was the way she talked so casually about dying. I could die if I stayed with Edward. If I was being honest, I should die to stay with him. What could Jessica Stanley know about that?

"So yeah, I guess I love Mike. It's weird, I never thought I'd fall in love." She giggled, fixing a bra strap so it wouldn't show. I could tell her mind had already wandered to other things, satisfied with the assessment of her love life. I was not satisfied. Loving Edward was so much more complicated and really, what were we trying to accomplish? Eventually I'd wind up dead or the living dead. A wave of melancholy abruptly swept through me. And with it, an impending sense that my philosophies were falling apart. Would I cut off my arm if Edward asked it of me? And why was I so eager to rush into the arms of death for him? I don't know. They don't teach you that in school.

"Alright," I sighed, getting up from the table, "I was just wondering."

A sweet, heady smell rolled through the open lodge doors. It was hot inside and so dark that it took a few moments for my eyes to adjust. I could vaguely make out several figures seated around a conference table, the whites of their eyes trained on me. The interior of the building was a mixture of an office conference room and an ancient ceremonial gathering place. Ancestral hides and carvings hung next to file cabinets and dry erase boards. At the far end a fireplace was burning bright.

One of the smaller figures abruptly left the table, rushing toward us. With a rising panic I realized it was Sue Clearwater. "Seth?" She quailed, "Is that my baby? Seth!" Billy motioned for two men to take the dead body from my back and place it on the meeting table. Sue shakily took Seth into her arms and started wailing. "My babies are dead!" she moaned, "My babies are dead…."

I moved closer to Sue, unable to find the words. "Sue," I rasped, "Sue I…I'm so…"

"You!" She suddenly turned on me, "You brought this madness on us! You did this!" She lunged at me but was intercepted by a large, solid looking man I had never seen before. I stumbled back in shock as Sue continued to claw at me through her captor, "Are you happy now? Are you?" She screeched.

"Get her out of here," Billy's gravelly voice ordered over the general commotion.

"What did she mean?" I asked a grave looking William Black and an all too quiet room. "Her babies. What was she talking about?"

"Leah Clearwater is dead," An unrecognizable tribal elder answered.

My blood ran cold.

Billy rolled up to the table, "Your tiny she-demon took off her head this afternoon. And that blond bitch fed on her."

"Oh," I mumbled numbly.

"Oh." Billy echoed.

The room was quiet for a beat before all the elders burst into argument all at once. Some were yelling about the Clearwaters, some were upset about the 'vampire threat'. Others were wondering what to do about me. No one was talking about Edward or the pieces they were holding captive. A raw ache swelled in my abdomen, intensified by the violent yelling from the people around me. The baby needed to feed and I clutched my center in pain as it tried to suckle nourishment from my insides.

"Excuse me," I tried to voice over the shouting. No one paid attention to me and the arguing was quickly escalating. "Hello? Where are the pieces of Edward, can I have them now?" One or two of the old chiefs began yelling in a different language; Billy was pounding on the conference table that held Seth's body. "Shut up!" I screamed, "EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!" I took the nearest thing at hand, a coffee pot, and threw it against the fireplace's stone mantle. Glass and cold coffee splattered on the hearthstones. The elders quieted and turned to me, annoyance clearly written on their faces.

"Someone needs to teach this wisatsu'upat manners." A stern looking man glowered across the table, "She brings disrespect wherever she goes."

I prickled, "Me? Me bring disrespect? What about this?" I snatched the pouch off my neck and threw it on Seth's chest. "Cutting a man to pieces?" I ignored the poorly concealed scoffs, "Keeping his body hostage from his family?" I paused, measuring up the now silent table around me, "I didn't start this. I never wanted any of this. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to get married. I wanted to be happy, goddamn it. And now I'm collecting scraps of my undead boyfriend from a mother fucking pack of prideful, bloodthirsty wolves."

"Your choices brought you here," Billy frowned.

"I didn't start this," I continued, "But I will finish it." I collected Edward's finger off of Seth and laid my hand on the boy's quiet chest, "There will be deaths." I gave Billy a hard look, "More family's will suffer. That I can promise if I don't walk out of here with two things – "

"You're making threats you can't back up," A woman at the far end of the table cautioned.

"You're making a powerful enemy," I countered. "There are more immortals who care for Edward than you could possibly know. In their world he's considered valuable. For his talents, the incredible things he can do." One or two of the elders shifted uncomfortably and looked to the others for clarification. Apparently they didn't know vampires had skills beyond drinking blood. "There are…forces," I continued, trying to be clear without providing too much information. "Powerful and severe, who will be obligated to act if this situation spins out of control. We can end this here, now. But I need two things to do that: the body parts you have with you and the location of any others."

Quiet murmurs broke out around the table; Billy was simply staring at my hand on the youngest Clearwater's corpse. I secretly willed Seth's chest to rise under my palm, but it wouldn't. "She lies," one of the large young men spat, "We can't trust a Vamper Whore. She's just buying time."

I looked at him, pity in my eyes, "I wish I was lying. I'm not. We all die if you don't give me what I want. But, it might not matter anyway. As I've said, many powerful creatures loved Edward. We might already be on borrowed time."

"It's not our intention to keep you from what you want," Billy sighed. He produced a large map and unrolled it on the table. With a wave of his hand he dismissed a few of the group. They returned moments later with boxes of various sizes. "The Appellation Mountain Range," Billy jabbed his finger at the map, "specifically the Blue Ridge Mountains. That's where you'll find the rest of him. Jacob and some of the boys are en rout as we speak; they intend to meet up with a sympathetic tribe in Tennessee. Once you find a settlement called Ramseytown, go to the White Hart Inn. They'll take care of you from there."

"How will they know it's me?" I asked.

"They know all about you Isabella Swan. Your reputation precedes you."

"Yeah, my rep as a Vamper Whore," I sighed, "Alright. Can I have Edward now?"

Billy nodded and the packages were laid before me. Each body part was wrapped in brown paper and twine, like a present in the mail. As I inspected the macabre parcels I swore I heard the smallest box rustle, like a caged bird. Suddenly the tiny child inside me fluttered nervously, almost in response to Edward's faint presence. This saddened me beyond words.

"Are we square?" I asked Billy as I gathered together the heavy, slightly cold packages.

"Oh, I think we're past that." William Black chuckled, "Atonement has only begun for your kin and mine. Goodbye Bella."

I fumbled awkwardly toward the exit, eager to leave the stuffy lodge. Before I made a run for it, I turned at the door, "This better be all of him or you better start burning the evidence. Because I will come back if I find out any of you are lying. And when I do," I measured up each and every person in the room, "I'll be after your blood."

It was hot. Years from now the people of Forks would be saying, "It's hot. But not as hot as the summer Dr. Cullen skipped town."

In a slightly desperate effort to cheer me up, Jacob coerced me into a fishing trip with Billy. The air was heavy and still as we pushed off the dock, our gear loaded and neatly organized on the tiny motorboat.

I began to see the benefits of this little excursion once we were out on the lake. The hot summer day felt a little more bearable and there was nothing but unfiltered peace between the water and the sky. The further we traveled from the shore something inside slowly unwound and I could breathe the clean, strong air again.

"Jake," I hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder, "you okay?"

He waved me off, recoiling a little further inside himself. I looked at Billy and he simply shrugged, casting his reel far across the water.

I turned my body, in a feeble attempt to give Jake and I some privacy, "Okay," I breathed, "What's up?"

Instead of answering me, attempted a cast but it plopped a few feet from the boat. "God," he muttered, "I can't even cast right around you." He schlepped the rod unceremoniously to the bottom of the boat. "Look," he growled, "were you really going to be like, with with that Bloodsucker?"

I stared at Jake; his large body slumped over the side of the boat, one hand trailing in the water. "You look like a moody child." I whispered, "Is this why you invited me out here?"

"That's not an answer," he smirked.

"It's not," I admitted, "I don't know, Jake. Okay? I still don't."

He wisely decided to leave it at that.

The rest of the trip passed quietly enough, though the small peace I found had been unseated. In the end it was good to spend time with the Blacks, but I was happy to be done with the day when they dropped me off at home.

Sometime after dinner Charlie was called away to a crime scene. Apparently a man had been attacked and badly mauled by a large animal. It happened just outside the town limits, somewhere on a deserted forest road. With a sad shake of his head, Charlie insinuated that the victim could have been saved if Forks didn't just loose the world's best surgeon.

Once my father left I tapped on the television, curious to see if the attack had made the 10 o'clock news. Sure enough, a picture of the dead man was flickering on the screen. He looked familiar…unkempt bronze hair, pale skin, handsome but not really as breathtaking as….and slightly older than….oh. Oh! I felt a chill creep up my spine as I grabbed my cell and frantically called Jake. Four phone calls and six texts later, I came to two realizations. One, Jake was never going to answer his phone. And two, I would never ask him about that dead man even though I knew, in my heart of hearts, he was somehow responsible.

"You really should have my husband take a look at this."

Esme wiped some blood away from the gash in my forehead. I could tell she was trying not to inhale. The Cullen children and I had made it home, with a handful of morbid packages and long, sullen expressions. Jasper and Carlisle immediately retreated to the study while the others dispersed quietly. Their bright, modern house had rapidly taken on the ambiance of a funeral parlor.

"It's not so bad." I said in a shaky voice.

"Well, I'm sure you'll be fine." She reassured me as she wrung the cloth under scalding hot water in her kitchen sink.

"I didn't say that," I shook my head and looked out the large glass windows shining with the fading afternoon light.

She paused, looking down at me as I sat hunched over their breakfast bar. After a minute I looked up at Esme and asked with thick words, "Is this what life is? With all of you?"

She looked a little surprised, but her lovely golden eyes held no apology. She sternly nodded and said, "Sometimes."

I shook my head slowly, bewildered by the last few days. "I've been alive only 18 years," I pulled a tremulous hand through my hair, "Today I've bled more times than I can count. I've fallen in love with a chopped up immortal man who, as we speak, is wriggling inside of a handful of boxes. I watched Jasper and Alice kill a brother and sister I once called friends," My body started to tremble, "And I'm not even sure it was wrong…"

Esme bent over me, "Darling…shhh." She whispered, pleading for me to be quiet; to be at peace.

"I believe I just…"My voice gave way and I bowed my head, "I think I have the wrong life!" I half laughed and half sobbed.

She rubbed my arms reassuringly with her cool hands "Maybe," she said, "Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be."

I gave in to the crushing feeling in my chest and began to sob quietly. Esme put her hand on my shoulder and waited with me until I was spent. Then she carefully led me upstairs and put me to sleep on Edward's soft leather sofa. She sang to me as I slipped away into the darkness. I dreamt of Edward's severed head. He was calling my name over and over again, but his beautiful voice was muffled and distant. But it was proof he still lived, if only on the edge of life.

Something hard hit my chest and I woke with a start. Jasper Hale was standing in Edward's room and he had just flung a bulletproof vest at me.

"Jasper? What the hell?" I cursed groggily.

"Get up," He commanded, "It's time for your training." He flung a rough looking duffle bag on the ground. It looked heavy. "Clothes are in there. Put the vest on and bring the bag with you. You have 15 minutes." He marched out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

I stumbled off the couch, flinging the vest off me. The Kevlar was really heavy; did he actually expect me to wear this? I unzipped the duffel and gasped. Inside there was an arsenal of guns, knives and what looked like, but I couldn't be sure, a belt of grenades. On top of the small armory were some dark, military-esqe clothing. If Alice picked them out, I knew they'd be an annoyingly perfect fit.

I sat dumbfounded until my fear of Jasper sprung me to action. I grabbed the clothes and ran for the bathroom.

"You've drank human blood before mine, right?" I asked Edward, as casually as possible. In reality I was dying to find out more about his 'rebellious' days when he left Carlisle. But up to now he wouldn't divulge any information, not a single cryptic hint or clue.

"Bella, love, why do you want to know that stuff? It has little to do with who I am now." He turned the page in his the newspaper, frowning about some article or another. Apparently homicides were up in Portland and the Cullens were suspicious of vampire activity. I didn't see it, but what the hell did I know anyway.

"Chalk it up to morbid curiosity," I smiled and pushed the paper down so I could see his face, "Alice told me you hunted bad guys. You would read their minds and choose to eat them based on how evil they were."

"Well Alice has a big goddamn mouth, you know that?" He bristled and tried to wrest the newspaper from me.

"So it's true? Wow – you're like a superhero or something! Did you take down mafia men and killers and thugs?"

"Murderers, mostly," He sighed, "Some mobsters. But it wasn't like you think, I didn't beat them up and drop them in jail. There was nothing heroic about what I did to those men. And a lot of it happened outside of the States."

"Were they always men," I asked, enthralled.

"No," he said, his voice cold, "not always."

I put my hand on his, "Will you tell me about one of them? Just one. One of the Americans, maybe? You're wrong; it is a part of who you are now. I just want to understand." He shifted his hand so he was holding mine in both of his, "Are you sure you want to hear this?" He looked at me, his eyes almost begging me to stop him. I resolutely nodded my head, "Yes. I want to know everything about you, even the ugly stuff."

He shook his head and sighed in a way that said 'I warned you', but he started his story anyway. "It was the fall of 1936 in Chicago. I'd been hunting this man for some time now," Edward said, his gaze focused on faraway things, "Antoine LaRocca. He was scum; without mind reading I knew that. Everyone did. And it wasn't just his business practices. It was common knowledge he enjoyed the company of young girls. But what wasn't common knowledge was the girls never came back after one night with LaRocca. I found this out when I happened across a body one night by the river. She reeked of his sent."

I swallowed a little to audibly. He looked at me, trying to find any excuse to stop. With a small amount of effort I gave him none. "I'm okay," I offered a small smile, "Go on."

"The timing was never right for me to confront him, he stubbornly stuck to public places, always surrounded by his people. So I waited, for weeks I waited, the hunger inside of me growing unpleasantly fast. Finally, one night in late January, he was alone with a woman. I tried to wait for her to leave, but I sensed my opportunity was slipping past. I had to act."

He paused, momentarily forgetting I was in the room. I cleared my throat, "What happened next? Did you kill him?"

"Oh yes." He murmured, "I swooped into his penthouse like a dark avenger and drained him of every last drop of his wicked blood. The woman, to afraid to run, was an unwelcome casualty. You see, I was young then, I couldn't control myself once the feeding began. She didn't deserve her fate. After I calmed my thirst, I found one of his victims tied up in the bathroom. She was unconscious, her face swollen from frequent beatings and tears. Many of her bones were broken. I swept her away to a hospital, but it was too late. She died later that week and she suffered every step of the way. I was there when her little chest heaved its last breath. I could hear her small heart shudder to a stop," Edward stopped, his voice choked off for a moment, "The silence that followed was like the biggest sound I've ever heard." He whispered.

I squeezed his hand reassuringly, "But you saved all the other girls he might have killed. That has to count for something."

Edward shook his head, "But at what cost? You see, what died in that hospital was not that girl. What died was the last shred of my mortal coil. God didn't try to kill that little girl. If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind. From then on I knew. God doesn't make the world this way, we do. We do this shit and then we suffer for it. If that was being human, I didn't want it anymore."

I wrapped my arms around him, trying to comfort his cold, stone body. He had closed his eyes, shutting out the memories. "So you gave yourself over to being a vampire?" I suggested.

"I don't want to be human or vampire. I want to be more. I want to be better. I can be, but I'm always stuck between two worlds. Mortal or immortal, I just want it all to stop. I just want peace." He sighed, bowing his head.

I hugged him tighter, "You've done so much more than most of your kind. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, its not healthy. You still have to be of this world, Darling. You still have to participate in life."

He didn't say anything else, declining to agree with my comment. I had to go home after a while and as I drove along the peaceful country road to Forks, I noticed a small disquiet gnawing at me. If Edward didn't want to be human, where did that leave me? Where would he lead us as we traveled down the path of immortality together? I wanted to be strong for Edward, I didn't want to grow old or die. But the Cullens appealed to me because of their humanity. They were more compassionate, more generous, more everything than so many of the mortal humans I've met. With a jolt I suddenly realized I liked being human, warts and all. I really, really did.