Notes: So here's the thing~ I wanted this to be longer - but I am just waaaaay to out of it to be writing something this angst-y ~ Usually it helps to be a little out of it because it helps the writing process to get into a similar mood as the characters I'm writing but wow... yeah... waaaaaay to depressed for this shit BUT I promised a chapter so forgive me if it's too short - My next update will be another story to add to the Idol Worship Series - I need to write something fun and easy going till I stomp out this slump I'm in ~ anyway please enjoy!~
Chapter TextIt took quite some time from the moment Hanji spoke of Levi's name before his mind let it soak in. Levi was there with him, somehow, but at what point and for how long? Questions arose, buzzing in his mind and making him feel dizzy, and eventually, angry even. What had Hanji to gain from feigning ignorance about Levi when he had first mentioned him to her? Why hadn't he seen or been told about Levi before? Was it really possible, over all these years that just now Levi entered, or rather, reappeared in his life?
With that last bit of information shoving him back off his feet, Hanji had decided it had been enough for that day. For once, Eren was grateful. He didn't know whether or not it would be worth it to bombard the woman with a barrage of questions. He probably wouldn't get any closer to the truth of his past with her anyway. She baited him with just enough information to appease him, but he wasn't stupid enough to think it wasn't for a reason. He knew she would only tell him what she deemed to be necessary and leave all else up to him. He needed to get by on his own efforts far more than by Hanji's help alone.
It was too suffocating. He felt stupid, bewildered, tormented. Levi was there but he never said so, not one god damned word. Albeit, he had hinted to some sort of past between the two of them, he could have never imagined that Levi implied meeting him during that point and time. It was more than reasonable, in his mind, that that information was something that shouldn't have been merely suggested. And even more disturbing, he couldn't remember any of it.
Rather than seek Levi out immediately, he went to his room and sat on the edge of Levi's bed. He didn't have it in him to sit on his own bed, the raw emotions that bubbled over from the night before, fresh again after the meeting with Hanji.
He noticed his bedding had been stripped clean as he glanced over to his area of the room. Surely Levi took the liberty of cleaning his mess from the night before and while now the bed was immaculate once again, he didn't want to go anywhere near it. He didn't want to sit down and futilely look for the small stain of blood he knew he would no longer find on the pressed white sheets. Though, he supposed now it wouldn't serve any real purpose. Not anymore, not knowing, with what Hanji said, Levi and himself had been found together, but the idea of it still stung.
He was just appreciative that Levi currently was not in the room. He needed some time alone, and he honestly wasn't sure if he could handle seeing the other male at the moment, less he do something he'd later regret. With that in mind, he felt even worse about how he had acted last night in the shower. Even though Levi wasn't as angry as Eren though he should have been, it didn't lessen his regret in the slightest. He wasn't even really aware of himself at the time or of what he was doing. It was like his body had a will of its own and all he wanted was to selfishly divulge himself in the raven to rid himself of his own troubles.
Levi had a rough manner of speaking, he was blunt and relatively indifferent most of the time. More so with others than himself, never the less, he wasn't the most approachable person ever. He felt a strong sense of pride in being as close to Levi as he was, even if it wasn't much by normal standards, but on the same token, that only made him feel worse about forcing himself on top of the older male. Levi held a certain level of trust in him that he hadn't given anyone else, and there was something more behind that still. Something that translated in the comforting feather like touches and smooth lips kissing his skin. A promise of some unbreakable bond the two had, unexplained and mystifying, and he betrayed that.
But where had this connection between them begin and end? He wracked his brain for any hints regarding his past with Levi. Trying to pull any form of memory out of his ass on whim and will alone. It had been so long that he felt this bothered by his past, while certain events as of late had shook him to the core, this revelation was on a different level altogether. He was ashamed that someone like Levi could so easily be dismissed from his past. There was not even the slightest bit of familiarity between the two of them when they had first met, not but a short time ago.
He rubbed his throbbing temples and choked back an aggravated grunt, causing it to squeak in an embarrassingly high pitch whine. It only served to anger him more as he flung himself forcefully back on the bed, "For fucks…"
The words died in his throat and the anger ebbed away almost as quickly as it came. Instead a sense of overpowering helplessness grew in his chest. His ribs felt heavy against his lungs, each breath, he swore, he could feel his lungs constricting and expanding under pressure, limited against his anxiety. His heart felt like it was missing, leaving empty and hollow space in his chest. He tried to focus on its beating, wanting to hear the rhythmic thrumming, but even in the near silent room he couldn't focus properly.
A groan and he turned over, grabbing and burying his head into Levi's pillow, shamelessly taking comfort in the smell that lingered. He took a deep breath through his nose, allowing the deep scent to rinse through his tired senses, not even realizing just how exhausted he was as he was lulled into a deep sleep.
Sometime later, a soft knocking jerked him from his comatose-like sleeping state. He didn't bother to move, he didn't want to be bothered. Mind fogged from sleep, all he wanted was to return to rest. He didn't want to think anymore. He didn't want to deal with whatever bullshit would follow, an odd contrast from his previous mind set of demanding answers, but in this hazy afterbirth of sleep, all he wanted was to never have to wake up again.
The knock came again. He curled in on himself and clamped his mouth and eyes shut as tight as he could.
Just go away. Go away. Go away. Just go away.
Like a prayer, he continued to repeat himself over and over in his mind, until he felt the fuzzy corners pulling at him. Blankets held against his chin, he felt the world around him shifting. Sleep, he just wanted to sleep. Nothing else, nothing more. Just rest.
The scent of lavender and honey. Warmth sticky against his skin, despite this he held the soft cotton blankets around him. A gentle humming soft and feminine, the sound of clicking from the propane stove. The sound of a soft crack, a barely audible plop of, what he assumed was an egg, hitting the pan. A melody in the background, of birds chirping and cicadas, every so often, joining in for a chorus. Soft light filtered through, the warm rays bathing his skin and reflecting off his eyes.
This was home. Home, with beige tiled floors and dark stained cabinets. Home, where he sat in their large bay window's cushioned ledge right off the kitchen. Home, where if he just took a few steps onto the hardwood floor that transitioned to tile he could see who was humming and shuffling cookware.
"Er-n."
The voice was muffled, sounding like it was almost underwater, but it wasn't coming from the woman humming in the other room. The voice, as unclear as it was, was lower, familiar. But he was content here, in this space. Content listening to the preparation of food and the faint wafting smell making its way toward him. Happy to stay settled where he was.
His chest felt light, his head floating and drowsy, but pleasantly so.
"Er—."
His eyes shifted behind him to the bright lit scenery just beyond the glass. The landscape bathed in bright highlighted tones, colors magnificent and inviting. He imagined, as the tree leave and long grass swayed, the cool breeze bathing over his skin. In awe of the blue jays, leaping with a single flap of their wings, from tree to tree. In awe of the squirrels which cycled around the trunk of the tree, spinning around as they climbed up further and disappeared into the canopy and the bee and butterflies, sparse as they were, landing on flower petals gold, red, and orange.
"Ere-."
He liked it here. It was calm, simple. The sights and sounds warm, luminescent. The drowned out voice becoming clearer as he turned away from the window, shadows becoming more prominent in the room. He felt like he was forgetting something, something was missing, wasn't it? But he was home, he belonged here. The women humming, cooking, in the other room, it was his mother. Dad would wake up soon to eat with them once she was finished. Mother would have his newspaper set out, coffee ready on the hot plate, waiting to be poured. Mother who set the table, and poured a tall glass of orange juice for him. The kind with hints of pineapple and banana, his favorite. She was perfect, kind, beautiful. His mother with chocolate brown hair and stunning hazel eyes, and her smile…
"Eren."
His mother.
"Eren!"
She was…
"Eren!"
He grasped his head as he heard the glass cracking behind him, the creak of the wood underneath him groaning like a ship ready to bend and sink. His mother, how did he know she had chocolate brown hair? How did he know about his eye color? He couldn't remember, why? Why? The room shook, the light seeped away, receding into darkness, pitch black and cold. The roar of the home collapsing around him. He couldn't breathe.
"Eren!"
His eyes shot open wide as he took a gasping breath. He froze trying to focus on where he was. The room was bathed in a golden glow, the sun now lowering on the horizon. He had been sleeping? It felt so much stronger than just a dream.
"Eren, are you alright?"
The voice was clear now, he slowly turned to it, surprised to see Mikasa hovering over him with a worried expression.
"I-I'm fine… I had a strange dream."
Her lips parted and paused, as if unsure whether or not she should speak but eventually did.
"Why are you crying?"
He blinked, confused, and sure enough, he brought his hand up to his cheeks to feel tears streaking down them. His mouth fluttered like a goldfish as he tried to figure out just why he had been crying, but it only made his head ache. He couldn't recall the dream, it was gone and though he hadn't remembered what it was he dreamt of, he felt a longing to be back to it.
"I don't… What time is it?"
He scrubbed off his eyes and changed the subject quickly. Though to be honest, he could figure around what time of day it was just by the hue of the light from outside, and he really couldn't care less either way.
"It's after five. You didn't come to dinner, I was worried."
"You shouldn't worry so much."
Despite saying this he motioned for her to hug him. She faintly blushed, though he knew it wasn't the same type of blush he shared with Levi. It was a warm pride that flushed her cheeks whenever he needed her, and she knew if he was craving physical contact, that he did, indeed at the moment, need her for comfort.
Wordlessly, after adjusting her scarf, she leaned down and held him in her arms. Eren held back just as tightly. The position was awkward, Mikasa bent at the waist in front of him, leaning forward to keep her contact with him. Eren ticked, muttering something about being uncomfortable and pulled her with a sharp tug on the bed next to him.
She squeaked uncharacteristically and they both shared a laugh. As fragile a laugh as it was, it was genuine. She teased him for rough housing a girl, and he snipped at her to shut up with a grumble, no real ill intent in his words, rather more affectionate. Once the laughter died down he rested his head on her chest as she brushed her fingers through his messy hair. To anyone else the scene would seem intimate, and in a sense it was. They were family, in their own minds, as good as blood. The bond they shared together was strong, even amongst the pointless bickering and nagging. It just went to show how close they really were, that they were so protective of one another that they couldn't help but butt heads at times. She meant the world to him as he to her.
"I was scared," she admitted softly.
Eren shifted onto his elbow beside her, studying her face underneath his.
"Scared of what? I'm fine, it was just dinner."
"With Levi…"
She stopped her sentence at the twisted scowl that warped his features. Once he had realized he did so he forced them back into a more passive look.
"Levi's nothing to worry about. Nothing will happen."
"He could take you away from me."
At this he was dumbstruck, flustered even that she would think such a ridiculous thing, but he wouldn't get angry at her. At least not outwardly, he didn't want to worry her even more, she didn't deserve to be lashed out at.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. Mikasa you know that."
"But what if he…"
"No buts," Eren cut her off, not wanting his temper to get the best of him. He leaned forward and placed a small kiss on her forehead before pinching her nose, which she immediately batted away.
"You promise," she tried anyway.
Eren groaned dramatically to hide his real irritation at her insecurity and in an exasperated voice he whined, "I proooooomise."
"Good."
"Ooooomuuufff!"
She knocked him back on the bed and this time situated herself to use him as a pillow. He, in turn, pet her head as she had, though a bit clumsier. He couldn't understand this weird rivalry between Levi and Mikasa. Perhaps, if it was only because Mikasa thought Levi would somehow steal him away, it was a bit more understandable. Silly, but at least there was a reason for it; ridiculous as it were.
At that thought he wondered how long it would be before Levi made his way back to the room. It was getting late after all, and the sun was beginning to set. He had so much he needed to talk about, so much ground they would need to cover, and so many things he couldn't even begin to hope to understand. And though he slept for so long already, and Mikasa had brought him some comfort, the dream that lingered in an incoherent blur and the still noticeable hollowness in his chest, kept him feeling exhausted and ragged.
As he slowly found sleep calling out to him once again, he felt the soft press of lips on his forehead and a pained, perplexing whisper from his departing sister.
"Please stay Eren."