Title: Beans talk

Summary: Speaking of digestion...

Chopper was sincerely considering drowning himself when the stench first hit. He couldn't even formulate a complete thought as his nose and accompanying nerves were rendered inoperable by the eye-watering odor that had just exploded in the dining hall. He couldn't speak; the vile vapor was so powerful that it robbed his mouth of vital fluids and destroyed thousands of taste buds in one fell swoop. Around him, he could hear his nakama dropping like flies, their cries of agony slowly overwhelming his aural capacities. His eyesight was fading fast, an abyss of horrid smells waiting in the dark for him.

"Dear God and the angels above, that is the shittiest fart that I have ever had the displeasure to endure!" Sanji croaked as he cranked the kitchen porthole open and stuck his head out.

"Don't turn on the stove, the whole ship might go up!" Nami warned, a deep, hacking cough settling in her lungs.

"I do not think I have enough arms to fan this away." Robin added, her voice muffled beneath the three pairs of hands that were covering her nose and mouth.

"Nostrils...on fire...bad outbreak of allergic-to-super-smelly-gas disease!" Usopp gasped, clutching his long nose and rolling on the ground.

"Gah! Not good meat! Very, very bad meat!" Luffy yelled brokenly as he clutched his throat and started turning purple

"Not even my haramaki is thick enough to counteract this," Zoro mumbled through the green knit material.

"Coup de Vent!"

The miasma cleared as Franky blew out the door and half the wall, letting in desperately needed cool air. Chopper's sight slowly returned, and he could swear that swampy brown tendrils were unraveling from around his head, their malicious intent fading as the temperature in the room dropped.

"Hang in there, Chopper!"

"Li'l bro gonna make it?"

The reindeer could feel wide, calloused hands raising his head up, and the scratchy, rough texture of two bandannas as they were layered over his muzzle. He had to thank his saviors; the bandannas reduced the ghastly stench to a level just above that of an overactive landfill.

"Tag gu buri puch," he gasped, as Usopp helped him to his hind-legs. "Oo uz duh wun dut dript uss?"

The room erupted in a cacophony of denial and accusation.

"That was the stench of dying seaweed. Oi, shitty ass marimo, you ever learn how to wipe?"

"It could be the stick up your ass shifting, curdled brow!"

"Not me! I'm made out of rubber, it keeps me regular!"

"Too much information, Mr. Captain."

"Well, it wasn't us. Women do not 'rip ass' as you so delicately put it."

"I dunno, Mozu-sis used to drop some horrible SBDs if she drank milk, and that, just now, was an SBD if ever there was one."

"Well it wasn't me, I don't like gassing myself to death while eating. Who does that leave?"

The crew looked around the room. Everyone was spoken for except from Chopper, who was still having trouble speaking, and Brook, who was missing.

"Rule of Foul Farts declares that a person can usually stand their own stink, no matter how bad. Chopper went down in less than three seconds, which would rule out reindeer gas." the sniper stated wisely, pulling at the six hairs on his chin for effect. Chopper considered changing into Heavy Point to flip Usopp the bird, just like Zoro had shown him. He settled for spreading his left hoof into a vee, slamming his other hoof into the left elbow, and blowing a raspberry once the vee reached his covered mouth. Sanji applauded the rude gesture before continuing.

"So that leaves Brook. Where the hell did that shitty skeleton go?"

"See, this is why it's important to know if something can poop!" Luffy crowed triumphantly.

"Even if he can't poop, he can obviously kill us through methane huffing. How do we find that damn sack of bones anyway?" Zoro groused, already loosening a sword from its sheath.

In the distance, there came the faint sound of crackling, as if someone was balling up pieces of parchment. The sound ended relatively swiftly; unfortunately, it was followed by a flood of the same terrible stink as before.

"Uh guss ee fulluw da shenta," Chopper sighed resolutely. "Oo ee af uni guss musks?"

***

Armed with gas masks that had not seen action since Sanji joined the crew, Chopper and Zoro unwillingly followed their noses to find Brook. It took much longer than expected, mainly because the reindeer's nose was barely functioning by animal standards, leaving Zoro to lead them.

"How many times have we come through the Soldier Dock system?" Zoro asked nonchalantly as he retied his bandanna around his arm. The gas masks were much more efficient that the cotton scrap, which he intended to dispose of due to exposure to biohazard. The swordsman's mind was more on how to get the scent out of his scabbards than it was on finding the skeleton, except he really wanted to gut the annoying bonehead for ruining perfectly good sake.

"Maybe we should check the docks. The scent is stronger at dock three," Chopper suggested as he briefly removed the gas mask. The reindeer's eyes started watering profusely as they opened the dock.

"Yep, right spot," Zoro thought as he reattached the gas mask to his semiconscious crewmate.

"Yo, Brook! What the hell are you doing in here, trying to kill us all?"

"Ohohoho! I seem to be in a pickle. You see, I was rather peckish this afternoon before snack-time, so I felt that I could indulge in some of the lightly used fare in the pantry."

Chopper had a bad feeling about this. His fur shivered, and Zoro's hackles started to rise.

"Brook. What, exactly, did you eat from the pantry?" Zoro questioned the skeleton menacingly. The black afro shrank in the submarine's front seats.

"Ohoho, I found some canned beans that were hidden in the back-"

With precise and haste, Chopper and Zoro shut the submarine's cover on Brook's head, ignoring his "Skeleton Joke" to sprint out of the dock. Zoro picked Chopper up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him up the ladder to the grass deck, following as quickly as possible.

"Launch dock 3!" Chopper screeched frantically, causing Franky to pop his head out from the galley.

"Hey, li'l bro, what's the hurry?"

"Just do it, for fuck's sake!" Zoro roared as his head popped over the ladder.

Within thirty seconds, the first unconscious giant sea monkey bobbed up behind the ship.

***

"He ate all thirty cans?" Sanji asked incredulously, cigarette carefully unlit while Usopp and Franky measured the methane levels in the dining hall.

"You do know we've had those as last resort food supplies since Arabasta, right?" Nami asked worriedly. "That won't kill him will it?"

"It would probably cause his stomach cavity to explode with the accumulation of gas," Robin replied calmly.

Chopper listened carefully to the den-den mushi, trying to make out the sounds of skeletal discomfort over Zoro's snoring and Luffy's singing.

"Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot! The more you toot, the better you feel, so eat your beans with every meal!"

"Nohohohohoho, Captain, I sincerely beg to differ!"

Author says:

I was rereading "The Dark Tower" series by Stephen King, and this ditty buried itself in my head and combined with Brook's gluttony. I am ashamed, but the OP crack made me do it.

SBD - silent but deadly. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.