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Inside this narrow cage, my tired eyes were sewn shut so tight that I'd no longer see how dark and cruel the world could be. I took arms with the hope of glimpsing the sun again, but every gun I touched misfired and took my loved ones with them. Only in a beautiful dream would I find them again.
Something inside me died every time. It moldered and festered until I nearly went insane. Never did I ask for agony. In my own personal hell I heard the voices speaking terrible things about me, about what I might do, and yes, I took them as irrefutable truth.
Nobody wanted to die. "The end" wasn't always happy. I learned that the hard way. To make one on my own was impossible. Only fate's unkind hands shaped our futures. We only worked with the cards we were dealt, playing but a risky, hopeless game. I stopped praying in the name of Destiny.
If only I stayed where it was safe and sound. Alone in a blank room, I talked to no one but the shadows. By the light they appeared bleak. From the depths of my heart I wanted to be brave. It hurt so much though; I saw his face and heard his voice.
Rin insisted on going to the beach, complaining about the lack of running water and how she hadn't bathed in days. With my disinterest I was reminded of how I hated the more boring trips my parents used to take me on. I'd forgotten that life I led, and the peaceful times made me blind. I went anyway to appease her.
She handed me a towel borrowed from Tsukumihara, instructing me to wash up in a narrow cove she'd discovered after scouting the coastline. Lance seemed interested in going with me, probably to make sure I was safe, but Rin kicked him in the rear and called him a lecherous creep. I convinced myself to laugh.
I stripped myself of my uniform and waded into the ocean, chilled to the bone as I took the plunge. Amazingly enough nature went untainted by external strife. I wish we humans were enduring like the earth, its sky and its waters. How else would they have existed millions of years if not for resilience?
Growing accustomed to the temperature, I dunked my head under the surface, rising quickly with a gasp. Admittedly it felt nice, though my enjoyment was short-lived. I kept thinking too much, too hard. I squeezed some water from my braided hair and reached for the towel I'd left on a nearby rock. Feeling nothing, I looked over and saw empty space.
"Shoot, I forgot it? Surely Lance wouldn't have…"
"Hello? Did you lose this?" asked a disarming voice.
I whipped my head around. "Rin, if that's you, I swear—"
From the sand, a young boy wearing a blue tank top and camouflage pants flapped the white cloth over his head. He had golden hair which shone brilliantly in the low declining sun. Somehow his eyes drew me closer, and I noticed the irises were an ethereal blood-red with almost cat-like pupils.
"Who… are you?"
"Who are you?" he echoed with a little titter and a winsome smile.
"I'm…"
The child threw the towel at my head. "Here. You need this more than me."
I noticed that the water level barely came up to my chest.
"Right," I said, flustered for some unknown reason. It wasn't like he was a grown man or anything. "I'm Atosaki, by the way."
"Call me Gil," said the boy amiably.
"So you must be a Master."
"A master at what?"
"Err, nothing," I said, unable to break the truth to him. I dried my hair and slowly stepped out of the water, wrapping myself up straight away. "How did you get here, Gil?"
"Dunno," he said. "I just heard voices, so I came over."
"I see. Um, you haven't seen anything out of the ordinary, have you?"
"Nope. Everyone seems to be out of town, though."
"…I have to put something on. Turn away, please. No peeking."
"Okay, big sister."
Such sweet words spoke of innocence being preserved forever. His heart wasn't tainted by death and horror like mine. I glanced over my shoulder from time to time to make sure he didn't look. I pulled on the final article of clothing and clapped my hands.
"Done."
He twirled back around. "Hey, big sister Atosaki, I saw a tall man with blue hair waiting nearby. Is he your boyfriend?"
"Eh? What makes you think that?"
"Well, his eyes were hidden so I thought he was blind, but he kept looking in your direction with this sort of… tenderness, I guess."
I broke out in genuine laughter.
"So you are dating!"
"No, that's not it," I said promptly. "It… it would never work out. We can't be together."
"You two are like Romeo and Juliet, then. Star-crossed lovers and all that."
"Come on, smarty-pants, let's go. I'll introduce you to him. Oh, Rin too. I'm sure you'll love her."
"Yay, a brother and a sister!"
I ruffled Gil's short, soft hair. Already I adored him, but something told me not to get too close. I let people in and let them down. If I did that to Gil, I'd never forgive myself.
I walked him over to where Lance waited on the dunes. Gil waved enthusiastically.
"Hi, I'm Gil."
Lance looked down at him questioningly.
"This is Lance," I said. "Say hello, Lance."
He motioned welcomingly with his hands.
"He's mute," noticed Gil, sympathetic.
"Ah, yeah."
Gil circled around Lance and played with his scarlet-tipped ponytail. "Mr. Lance, your hair is cool! I want a hairstyle like this when I grow up."
I sniggered, all the while trying to cover up my amusement. Lance grinned at Gil then tilted his head sideways toward me.
"Lance, I'm feeling better now. I should thank Rin for forcing me along."
"You should!" called Rin from afar. She marched up proudly. "Hey, who's the kid? You two haven't been hiding something, have you? No wonder your Command Seal got bigger. He's a bit too old, though…"
"He looks nothing like either of us!" I exclaimed.
"Big sister Atosaki, that's Miss Rin, right? What's she talking about?"
"Nothing important."
"I like his manners," Rin marveled.
"My name's Gil!" he said happily.
"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance," replied Rin.
"Likewise."
"Gil, do you have a place to stay?" I asked him.
"Uh, not really."
"Do you want to come with us? We live in a school and there's lots of food."
"Yes! I've never been in school before. Sounds fun."
Rin pulled me aside once Lance started showing Gil the way.
"There's something fishy about him," she said in my ear.
"You always think that," I complained.
"No, seriously. He doesn't look right. I don't think he's a Master."
"So you're implying he's an Alter Servant."
"Not that either. I just…"
"Rin," I said, smiling. "After losing Julius, I want to protect Gil however I can."
"…Got it."
"I'm glad."
Gil ran to me and grabbed my hand in one of his, Lance's in the other.
"This is us for now," I said, taking Rin by her arm. "Let's not waste any more time."
Together we walked off into the setting sun, a small window of opportunity calling my name loud and clear.
Then why did I feel so unsettled?
It was like back then, when in my mind I made a wide bridge with which to cross the wide sky. Daily life continued, though slowly the planks supporting me eroded. Traversing that long path wore me down. I wanted to take a break, but time unsparingly passed on. Those feelings of misery I tasted far too often, more than I liked to admit, should have been left behind long ago. The things I wanted were always just out of reach. Running far, trying to escape, reality refused to die. No matter how well I hid myself, I trembled with fear and clung to the past, so frightened of being driven into the future.
Until the end of the dream, two choices were balanced in both hands, neither heavier than the other, of equal value, precious as liquid gold. I weighed the options with no certain outcome. Something told me that, in my doubtfulness, the best counsel would be provided by another besides me.
"Gil, do you want orange juice or apple juice?"
He stroked his chin in contemplation of the pasteurized drinks. "Apple."
I gave him the appropriate carton, and it was drained before I knew it.
"That was good!" chirped a content Gil.
I gulped down some orange juice in turn, smacking my lips. "I second that."
"Big sister Atosaki, I came across a really big shopping center while I was exploring the city. They have toys and tea and even a swimming pool! There wasn't anyone around, so I'm guessing they only open at night. Can we go?"
"Beggars can't be choosers, you know."
Rin appeared behind me and threw down a pack of peanuts on the lunchroom table.
"It seems harmless enough, Rin," I said.
"We should stick to what we have. Vending machines and cafeteria food."
Gil jumped up from his seat. "I'm sorry Miss Rin, but you're being awfully bossy. I just want to show big sister the stores. There's nothing for us to worry about."
"Are you honestly that clueless? Nighttime is when th—"
I cut across her. "Rin."
She glared at me. "Either way, my final answer is no."
"Big sis?" Gil looked to me with round, beseeching eyes.
"Rin's right, Gil. Nighttime is dangerous, you know, when those shady, uh, characters come out."
He sulked. "No one's on my side I guess. I'm gonna ask Lance."
"Wait!" bellowed Rin as he dashed off.
"Lance won't bring him," I said. "Remember what happened during our last run-in with the undead?"
"I knew that kid was trouble." She turned on her heel and stormed out of the room.
"He doesn't know!" I called after her.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, unable to deal with any further internal strife. What other option was there but to take him in? Gil was absolutely oblivious and I hadn't the faintest idea why, but there wasn't even a remotely good way to tell him the truth. He wouldn't believe us unless he saw it himself. I saw Rin's point, yet purity of mind didn't stay intact long. I learned that lesson too.
The thought of those zombies was enough to make anyone shudder. It struck me as odd how they showed up in such great numbers when Fuyuki sustained substantially less damage than other parts of Japan. Perhaps they migrated, although with their speed that seemed unlikely. Perhaps the Grail placed them here as another obstacle, another test for the Masters to prove their worth.
Lance ambled into the canteen and took a seat beside me. For a moment I thought I heard him humming to himself, but maybe it was just my imagination.
"Hi," I said, elbows resting on the tabletop and a tilted steeple formed with my fingers.
He smiled at me, doing the same as I did.
"Lance," I started to say, my heart all aflutter again. "Do you like me?"
Immediately he nodded yes.
"I mean, well, more than that. It's just that I've never felt like this before. Like I'm head over heels and my thoughts are all jumbled and I think my chest is going to burst."
His hand found my shoulder, but I focused on the peanuts before me.
"To tell you the truth, I haven't even had my first actual kiss yet." I tried to cover up my profuse blushing. "W-why am I telling you this anyway?"
Lance swung a leg under my chair, revolving it so that I faced him.
"Smooth. Very smooth, Lance. Are you playing me?"
He frowned slightly, knowing I wasn't quite taking him seriously.
I was on fire by now. "…There's nothing great about me, you know. You could have picked Rin if you wanted to. She's so much better than I am. Stronger, smarter, prettier—"
Lance's forefinger pressed against my lips and removed itself once I stopped.
"But you're one in a million. I'll never find anyone as amazing as you. Really, I love the way you are. I love…"
I leaned in. His hand caressed my cheek. He pulled me closer.
"A-to-sa-kiiiiii!"
Rin burst into the room, absolutely fuming.
"That little brat Gil, he—!"
I had my eyes half-closed, nose inches from Lance's. What great timing.
"I, uh, you, him?" stuttered Rin.
"It's okay." I backpedaled more and more. Lance looked saddened. If he had his wolf ears, surely they'd be drooping.
"Gil's gone," she informed us.
"What?"
"Damn kid must've run off to that mall he raved about."
"We should go after him."
"I'm not risking it. Besides, that's one last Master or whatever we have to worry about."
"Why are you being this cold all of a sudden?"
"Because sacrifices need to be made," she said, jaw clenching and unclenching. "…At the end of this War, if you and I are the last ones…"
"Lance, please help me find Gil." I stood abruptly and brushed past her, saying on my way out, "I don't want you to think about that. You're my best friend. I won't lose you too."
She had nothing to say as I left.