well Happy New Year everyone. I apologise for the long wait for the update. I hope you like it. I dunno if it meets the expectations set by previous chapters LOL but I hope you like it anyway. Let me know if there's any bits you particularly don't like or if there's anything I could add to make it better. I appreciate all your reviews and thank you all very much for your kind comments.
"Don't do that" commanded Fuller angrily. Hanson glared at him before slouching into the seat opposite his superior.
"You know why you're in here?" enquired fuller dryly
"Cause of Booker" muttered Hanson chewing his thumb nail distractedly
"WRONG! YOU ARE IN HERE BECAUSE YOU SEVERLY ASSAULTED A FELLOW OFFICER AND THEN HIGH TAILED IT OUTTA HERE!"
"I came back and apologised!" cried Hanson
"That doesn't excuse what you did!"
"He was pissing me off!" cried Hanson furiously.
"THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE AND YOU DAMN WELL KNOW IT HANSON!"
"I know it's not an excuse ok?! I know! You think Im trying to get out of this? I came back didn't I? I apologised!" yelled Hanson
"I still have to report this, regardless of your apology"
"So go ahead" snapped Hanson, "I don't care anymore. I DON'T CARE!"
"Tom what the hell is the matter with you?!"
"Why does everyone want to know my business?! It's not like any of you actually care!" spat Hanson
"Come on Tom you know that's not true"
"JUST STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO OPEN UP OK?! I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ANY OF IT WITH YOU, WITH PENHALL OR WITH BOOKER! I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE!" yelled Hanson
"Hanson you are way outta line!"
"I'M ALWAYS OUTTA LINE!" screamed Hanson, "THAT'S WHAT I DO! I SCREW UP AND I HURT PEOPLE OK? I HURT EVERYONE AND THEN PEOPLE HURT ME. THAT'S HOW LIFE WORKS!"
"Hanson, who hurt you?"
"No one" replied Hanson panicking.
"Hanson-"
"No one, no one did. No one" said Hanson quickly trying to back track. He averted his gaze swiftly to the floor.
"Come on Tom, you know you can tell me anything. It wont leave this office" said fuller desperately trying to get Hanson to open up.
"I - you, no" stuttered Hanson, "I don't have anything to tell. I was mad I didn't know what I was saying!"
"Tom please"
"Ok OK you wanna know something?! Really wanna know something? Want me to share all this trauma with you?! REALLY?!" screamed Hanson. He undid his jacket and flung it on the back of the chair he was sitting on before pulling his shirt sleeves up roughly. He thrust his scarred wrists in Fuller's face.
"HAPPY NOW?! HUH? MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD? TOM HANSON SELF HARMED!" screamed Hanson furiously.
"Calm down Tom" said Fuller calmly. His face was an unreadable mask of emotion; on the inside he was shocked.
"You wanna talk about it?"
"I told Penhall" muttered Hanson softly, "He knows everything"
"Everything?"
" When I did it, why I did it, what my mom did when I did it, what her boyfriend did after I did it, what lead up to the event" spat Hanson bitterly
"So it was your mom and her boyfriend?"
"What?"
"Who hurt you" said Fuller. Hanson's eyes widened in panic.
"I told you nobody did" repeated Hanson urgently.
"Come on Tom I'm not stupid" snapped Fuller
"I know but Captain you don't understand"
"So help me understand Tom"
Hanson sighed before standing up; he began pacing back and forth across the office. Fuller leaned against his desk and watched the young officer quizzically.
"I dunno where to start" whispered Hanson drumming his fingers off the side of his jeans nervously.
"Start wherever you feel comfortable Tom"
"I…erm…I tried to kill myself when I was seventeen" said Hanson softly, "Cause I missed my dad and I wanted out"
"I needed out" Hanson corrected himself, "See they, Th-they were a-abusing me. Both of them. A-all the time. So that's why I did it."
"I see"
"In December" whispered Hanson. A flash of understanding flickered across Fuller's face.
"So that's why you've been acting….depressed and withdrawn?"
"Partly"
"And the extreme reaction to Booker?" prompted Fuller. Hanson's face paled. It had taken all the courage he had just to confide in Doug and that was his best friend.
"He's…he's like my mom's boyfriend" said Hanson shakily, "I d-don't like him"
"The boyfriend or Booker?"
"Both" replied Hanson cracking a weak smile
"Tom, this erm abuse you mentioned, have you seen anyone about it?"
"No"
"Well don't you think it would be a good idea? Maybe help you get past it all?"
"I don't want loads of people knowing" mumbled Hanson picking at his shirt sleeve.
"Hanson, only you and the person you spoke to would know. No one else" reassured Fuller
"I cant" whispered Hanson
"Can't what?"
"Tell people. It's too hard" whispered Hanson
"You told Penhall"
"That's different" mumbled Hanson
"In what way exactly?"
"Doug, h-he doesn't sit and judge me, He doesn't jump to conclusions and he doesn't make me tell him anything. He waits until I tell him" explained Hanson his voice shaking.
"You told me"
"Only because you kept pushing me!" cried Hanson angrily, "And I didn't even tell you half of it"
"So tell me"
"No" replied Hanson gulping. He let out a shaky breath, "Please don't make me"
"Hanson when have you ever known me to make you do something you didn't want to do?"
"Well there was that time you made me partner up with Hoffs when I specifically told you I always worked with Doug" said Hanson.
He was greeted by silence.
"And that time you made me work with Booker, when you made me work on that toilet bomber case, oh and when-" Hanson continued
"Ok you've made your point!" cried Fuller cutting him off swiftly.
"And just then when you made me tell you all that stuff." said Hanson softly. He paused his brow furrowed, "Like Mexican food"
"Mexican food?" enquired Fuller confused.
"Yeah when I was going out with Jackie she always used to get me to order Mexican when I didn't-"
Fuller glanced at him blankly.
"Never mind" finished Hanson quickly.
"Seriously Tom, book and appointment with the pyschiatrist. Talk through your problems" said Fuller breaking the silence which had descended upon the office.
"Ok I'll try" mumbled Hanson
"Oh and I'm afraid you may be getting suspended for your actions earlier this afternoon" said Fuller sternly
"I know" whispered Hanson
"Ok go book that appointment Hanson"
"What if I can't face it captain?" asked Hanson suddenly, a mournful look on his pale face.
"You'll face it someday Hanson the first step was telling someone. You've already done the hard bit"
"I don't think so" muttered Hanson
"Trust me hanson"
"I don't trust anyone" whispered Hanson. Fuller looked him over sadly.
"Except Doug" Hanson said as an afterthought, "Doug I can trust"
" Go try talking through your problems Hanson" said Fuller softly.
Hanson picked up his jacket and put it on. He walked over to the door and rested his hand on the doorknob. He turned.
" Captain?"
" yeah?"
" Will they blame me? The person I talk to I mean. will they think it's my fault?"
" it's never the victim's fault Hanson, you should know that"
" I don't know anything for sure anymore" said Hanson quietly. He walked out of the office and narrowly missed colliding with Doug. Doug was standing at his friend's desk holding the paper Hanson had been writing on earlier.
" What are you doing with that?!" cried Hanson
" Trying to understand what you're going through" replied Doug softly. His anger at his partner had faded.
" Yeah? Read anything good?" snapped Hanson
" Hanson all you've written are song lyrics man" replied Doug. He didn't get why Hanson was being so defensive and hostile.
" and?"
" and what?"
" They're personal to me. Me! Not you! Who gave you permission to come snooping round on my desk anyways?!" cried Hanson
" Tommy man-" began Doug. He saw the look on Hanson's face and dropped the paper. It fluttered to rest on the edge of his desk. Hanson snatched for it, crumpled it up and shoved it in his back jeans pocket.
" Doug when I want you to know something I tell you. Don't go looking through my stuff."
" Hanson do you know how secretive you really are? Do you know how hard I have to try to get you to open up even just a little bit?"
" I don't have to tell you every little thing about me Penhall! We're buddys, that's it! We're not joined at the hip, you arent my keeper and I sure as hell don't have to tell you anything I don't want to. Same as I don't have to tell Booker, Fuller or anyone else in this damn place!"
" ok ok!" snapped Doug exasperated, " But Tom, those lyrics-"
" what about them?" interrupted Hanson defensively
" Tom they're not you man"
" And we believe it's not the real me" quoted hanson
" What?"
" That's part of the lyric." said Hanson, " Don't you listen to 3 days grace?"
" No they're so depressing"
" So's my life" retorted Hanson , " music's what got me this far Doug, kindly refrain from trashing the lyrics that help me ok?!"
" alright" sighed Doug.
" I'm gonna go home" announced Hanson, " I gotta get outta here"
" Well wait, I'll come with you"
" I wanna be alone. I need to think" snapped Hanson.
He walked briskly from the chapel, all the while feeling Doug's eyes burning into his back, and carried on back to his apartment in the mustang. Once he let himself in he flung his jacket on the couch before putting 3 days grace on his cd player. He needed it right now. The dark, moody guitars and drum beats kicked in.
I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I cant control myself
So what if you can see the darker side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
And we believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
I cant escape myself
So many times I've lied
But theres still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I cant control myself
So what if you can see the darker side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
And we believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
So what if you can see the darker side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
And we believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
Well I cant escape this hell
So what if you can see the darker side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
And we believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
And we believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
this animal I have become
He sat on the sofa thinking, weighing up his options. Go to the department shrink and risk exposure of his deepest and darkest secrets to the entire police force or bury it deep down inside himself as he had done for the past eight years. He knew he couldn't deal with more and more people knowing. It would kill him, cripple him emotionally. He could barely cope with the fact that Doug ,and now Fuller, knew he had been abused. Certain that their perceptions of him had been drastically altered Hanson was heartbroken and completely dismayed. Nothing would ever be the same. Hanson was sure they could all see the suicidal, helpless teenager that he saw every time he looked in the mirror. Positive that they viewed him as weak and vulnerable not to mention completely crazy. He couldn't control himself anymore. He wasn't even trying to. The music was starting to grind on him. Sure it helped but maybe he'd feel better watching a movie. Anything to take his mind off his troubles. He went into the kitchen, popped a beer, and sat on the sofa ready to immerse himself in horror movies.
A Nightmare on Elm Street had been on for about 15 minutes when the knocking started. Hanson gave a frustrated sigh before placing his half drunk beer on the floor. He went over to the door and pulled back the bolts and chain. He peered through the crack. Booker stared back at him.
" Go away" snapped Hanson slamming the door shut.
" Come on Hanson I just want to talk to you for two seconds" called Booker.
" Yeah? Well I don't wanna talk to you!"
" Come on Hanson"
" I'm busy!" cried Hanson. He turned the volume up on the tv. Freddy Krueger's latest victim screamed helplessly about 10 decibels louder.
" Ok Hanson you be a baby and stay in there watching trashy 80s horror films. I'll go back and tell Fuller you don't wanna talk things out, he'll file his report on you, you'll get suspended and then what? What you gonna do if you're not a cop Hanson? Sit and mope in your apartment? Oh wait, you do that already. I mean-"
" I don't mope!" cried Hanson opening the door so forcefully that it slammed against the wall.
" Oh so what exactly would you call it then?"
" Look I don't need this crap from you ok? Why don't you stop being a jerk for 2 seconds?"
" Why don't you?" retaliated Booker
Hanson glared at him before moving out of the way so Booker could enter his apartment.
" Look, I didn't want you to aplogise like that today. I know I haven't been easy to get on with" started Booker.
" Did Judy send you over here or what?"
" No Fuller said to talk things out with you"
" Fuller sent you over here to talk things out with me? Fuller?!" cried Hanson irritated
" What you got trouble with your hearing now?"
" Shut up" snapped Hanson, " Where's Doug?"
" what? You mean to tell me you and Penhall don't actually live together? That you actually do spend some time apart?!" cried Booker mockingly
" I need to talk to Doug" snapped Hanson
" Is that a subtle attempt to get me to leave?" enquired Booker sarcastically,
" wow you're quick off the mark today Book" snapped Hanson his tone equally sarcastic
" Don't start Hanson" spat Booker pointedly
" Oh just frig off!" snapped Hanson
" Oh so you're cute and mature" snapped Booker sarcastically.
" Stop calling me cute and pretty and all that other bullshit!" yelled Hanson furiously.
" What's the deal with you Hanson? How come you can't take a joke?"
" I can take a joke. The only problem is, you aren't funny. At all." said Hanson coldly.
" Whatever" muttered Booker
" Why don't you just get the hell outta my apartment and stop winding me up?" snapped Hanson
" cause its funny seeing how easy it is to do it"
" Was it funny this morning? Huh?!" cried Hanson. Booker had the decency to look embarrassed.
" I know why you did what you did" he announced suddenly. Hanson paled.
" No you don't" he gulped.
" Look there's people, they can help"
" I DON'T NEED HELP!" yelled Hanson panicking.
" Hanson you have a serious anger management problem"
" Ang-anger management problem?" stammered Hanson almost dizzy with relief. He wiped the palms of his hands on the back of his jeans self consciously.
" hell yeah! I mean I know I irritate you but seriously Hanson your reaction today was kinda over the top don't you think?" snapped Booker
" Ok so I've got some issues but hell I've got good reason to" snapped Hanson
" Like what?"
" Like er…go to hell if you think for one minute I'm sharing them with you!" spat Hanson
" God damn it Hanson get a grip!" yelled Booker, " You're so secretive and misleading all the time yet you're gagging for people to ask you what's up. You just love attention"
" Bullshit!" spat Hanson, " How many times have I specifically told people to leave me alone?!"
" You do it for the attention you know you do" snapped Booker furiously. Hanson took a step closer to him.
" I do not attention seek" he spoke slowly and deliberately emphasising each word carefully. Booker took a step back uneasily.
" Do you hear me?!" snapped Hanson angrily
" Yes I hear you" replied Booker, " Jesus fucking Christ Hanson!"
" Look just get out ok?!" yelled Hanson
" Fine I'm leaving. I wouldn't want to stick around and see you go pyscho again anyway. I mean people get committed for less!"
" GET OUT!" screamed Hanson shoving him roughly. Booker raised his hands in a submissive gesture. He wasn't about to get physical with they guy who had beaten him so savagely earlier that morning.
" I'm going, I'm going" he muttered edging towards the door
" WELL GO FASTER!" cried Hanson. Booker gave a frustrated sigh before turning and leaving. Hanson slammed the door behind him before flinging himself on the sofa where he promptly burst into tears of rage and self pity.
Booker leaned against the wall in the corridor and listened sadly. He didn't like Hanson, he honestly thought the guy was an attention seeking, right wing pretty little white boy who couldn't take a joke and was a hypocrite to boot. But his personal feelings about him aside, Hanson was deeply disturbed by something and it was scary to watch the guy rapidly become unhinged. There was nothing he could do though, the hatred was mutual between the two officers. If Hanson was gonna talk to anyone it was Doug. He sighed and left Hanson's building before getting in his car and driving home.