During the next few weeks Amon still remained a mystery for Helena.
For her surprise and shock, he seemed to be a different person now. Amon didn't lose his cruelty and impatience that appeared to belong to his personality, however he showed them only towards others, towards inmates and guards. He behaved shockingly calm and polite with Helena, almost in a loving way, and even though he looked rather impatient sometimes (he wanted to leave the camp behind as soon as possible but things didn't always work the way he would have loved to), he wasn't rude or cruel to her anymore. As if he had been scared of hurting her and making her change her mind about coming to Vienna with him.
No matter what she saw and experienced, she was unable to trust him and every day she expected him to change back into his well-known form, made of cruelty and madness. It never happened but it didn't make a difference for her. One day, when I don't expect it, it will really happen, and then he will kill me, she thought and she tried to avoid Amon.
It hurt him but he did nothing against it. While Helena was doing her best to avoid him, Amon was working hard to gain her trust – it was something that he thought to be impossible, yet he couldn't give the idea up that one day he might obtain that from her. He still couldn't control his desire for her and he couldn't stop taking his eyes off from her when she served his meals or did small jobs around him. When he could stop it, it was the result of a strong force on himself.
In April 1944 Amon was promoted to SS Hauptsturmführer and reserve officer of the Waffen SS. He was expected to report in Vienna as soon as possible but the task to close the Kraków-Płaszów concentration camp was not that easy to accomplish quickly. It was in the middle of the month when he could finally leave Kraków and when he managed to obtain two tickets for the train to Vienna because there wasn't enough petrol for a car for such a long journey. There was only one train to Austria that week and Amon urged Helena to get ready in time and they could stand at the railway station in the middle of a huge, impatient and rude crowd half an hour before the train actually started. Everyone was talking or shouting to each other, discussing every kind of subjects too noisily for Helena's ears, being used to silence. As there was silence inside Herr Kommandant's house in the last few months and she had no reason to leave the building, not even for ten minutes.
Suddenly Amon looked at Helena.
He had been watching the people around them with a rather annoyed glimpse and he was counting the minutes back to the arrival of the train. He didn't give a though about the camp and the inmates – all he could think about was his future with his maid by his side.
- Take my hand because I don't want to lose you in this damned crowd. When the train arrives, they will go totally crazy.
His eyes shone so tenderly and caring on her, but Helena didn't see it because she kept her glance on the sight of the city, lying in front of them.
She could do nothing else but obey and allowed Amon's long cold fingers to be intertwined with hers, even though she got completely sick of the thought of holding this murderer's hand. What a terrible shame, she thought, I look like as if I were a Nazi's girlfriend. She was grateful that her parents didn't see her in this situation. She felt like a traitor. His touch was like death for her, his soft skin on her skin was like a kind of poison that burnt her with shame.
Amon didn't notice her disgust and he thought that she was trembling because of the cold weather and of the excitement of the journey. He wanted to pull her closer to his body, both for keeping her warm and for feeling her close to him, but he didn't need to because the train just arrived and the noisy crowd started to rush towards it to get on it as soon as possible. People around the strange couple pushed them closer to each other and Helena felt like fainting. Fortunately Amon was determined enough to force his way forward and they managed to get on among the first passengers. Helena collected all her strength and followed him although she couldn't have done anything else as he was pulling her with himself.
She became relaxed only when they could take their seats in the carriage and the forced physical connection between them was finally cut. They were sitting opposite each other, next to the window, so she could watch the station and the sorrowful dark buildings behind it, trying to forget how hungrily Amon was staring at her. He didn't even deny his emotions for her, he didn't try to pretend to be strict and distant, and now his eyes expressed everything. If he knew how terribly sick he makes me, Helena thought, he would never save me, he would just shoot me in the head and leave.
When the carriages became full, the train left the station. A couple of people were standing on the platform, some of them were crying from disappointment, some of them showed no emotions. They could do nothing else but change their destination or wait for another week.
The train was going slowly as it had a lot of stops during the way. It reached Ostrava only in 24 hours by the next morning. The passengers were mainly sleeping or just sitting, snuggled deeply into their winter coats without a single word. Most people didn't want to talk, they wanted only to leave Poland behind. Those who had some little food with themselves, tried to eat in secret, hiding behind a newspaper or their scarves. Babies and children were crying from cold and hunger, they were mostly the only one who gave a voice to their complaints. Their mothers tried to console them, while their fathers' face were darkened by anger and exhaustion.
The journey was boring as the train was rather slow, there was silence or crying all over. It was almost perfect for Helena. She was looking through the window, being able to watch the landscape running by and thinking about her future. She hoped to have a better and safer life in Vienna as the Catholic maid of a Nazi commandant but she still couldn't trust Amon, even though she must have seen that he had changed. She couldn't avoid feeling his eyes on herself, but she was grateful for him that he didn't try to talk to her. She would have been unable to chat now.
Amon was also thinking about his and their future, he was planning to buy a nice and comfortable flat for them and he decided to give Helena all the possibilities and beauties that Vienna could provide. He already saw themselves elegantly dressed, watching a play in the theatre, looking through the hundreds of books in the biggest bookstore of the city or walking together in the park and he could smile at the thought of Helena's joy to enjoy the beautiful nature around them. It was so beautiful that he could hardly imagine that he was so close to them to come true. When we reach Vienna, we are free, he thought.
By the evening a few people were coughing so hard that they could have been heard in the next carriages as well, while others complained of a strong headache, but no one thought of anything bad. Food was scarce and there was no fresh air because the windows remained closed. However, when the next day two men and a young girl were found dead, anxiety immediately infected everyone. The mouths of the dead people were frighteningly blue on their pale skin and they must have died only a few hours after midnight. They all occupied different carriages and the news spread quickly that something terrible happened. The train was stopped.
- That's plague! – screamed someone. That scream was followed by many more all along the carriages and panic started to break out. Dozens of soldiers of higher ranks were also travelling on the train and they decided to act.
Helena didn't really care whether it was plague or not – life and death didn't actually matter to her anymore after losing her beloved sister. She was glad to leave Poland, the place where she had obtained so much sadness, but she didn't believe she would ever be able to feel happiness. However, she cared about Amon, because he was her chance and her key to a possible freedom. If God helped me and saved me from the concentration camp, he possibly has got some plans with me, she thought, and that is why I need Herr Kommandant.
Amon looked rather horrible. His face was shockingly pale, his lips lost their colours as well. He was unable to eat and he didn't crave for water either. He was sweating, even though it was cold in the carriage. He didn't complain a word but Helena could see that he must have had a strong headache. He often massaged his forehead and he kept his eyes closed most of the time.
Three-three soldiers checked every carriage thoroughly and they pushed everyone, who looked sick or dying, off the train. They showed no mercy or hesitation, and this time none of the passengers complained at all. Everyone wanted to get rid of the disease and survive.
When the soldiers appeared, dressed in uniform and leather gloves, and saw Amon, their strict faces changed immediately. Helena was watching them and seeing their expression, an icy cold hand seized her heart. They didn't even look at each other to discuss what they should do and they were about to grab him, when she stood up and spoke:
- This is SS Hauptsturmführer Amon Goeth and …
The taller blond man interrupted her.
- I don't care who he is, but he must clear off from the train before all of us die! He must have the plague too.
Amon heard nothing about it because he had fainted a few minutes earlier. His lips were left a little open, his head was about to fall on his left shoulder.
- He is just tired. – Helena objected on a weaker voice although she could clearly see that he was more than tired. He didn't cough but he had the symptoms of a flu.
The dark-haired SS-Sturmführer replied.
- He must go. That's the end of the conversation.
Helena knew exactly that she could do nothing against the decision. Even though the soldiers would have allowed Amon to stay in the carriage until he could have been taken into a hospital, the way the people around her looked at him made her realise, that they would have thrown him out of the train as soon as possible. He had no chance to survive on the train.
The soldiers were now whispering among each other, they realised possibly that they shouldn't have pushed an SS Hauptsturmführer off just like a simple bag of garbage. The dark-haired man left for half a minute, then he returned with two ragged, dirty, red and black chequered travelling rugs, possibly taken away from someone in the neighbouring carriage.
Amon was wrapped into the rugs and two of the soldiers carried him off the train carefully. They walked away for a few meters, put Amon on the ground, next to a bush and an old deformed mile stone, and hurried back to the train, while Helena was standing next to the motionless body. He looked so pitiful, so defenceless, and she felt something strange in her heart that she didn't dare to express.
- Come with us. He will die within a week. – the youngest soldier shouted at her. He felt pity for the young girl and he found it unjust that she had to die in the middle of nowhere, alone, in the cold, taking care of a dying man.
Helena shook her head.
No, I am unable to leave him here, she thought, he is still breathing, he is alive.
- I will stay with him.
The men shrugged, one of them waved at her.
- You are stupid. – then they climbed on the stairs, then waved to the engine driver that they could leave now.
Helena wasn't sure if she was stupid or not. All she could know that she was unable to leave the dying Amon alone and that all she felt for him now was free from hatred. Because she knew now exactly that he had bubonic plague. She had read about the symptoms when she was reading a dictionary about epidemics and she heard people talk about the disease on the train. She had no idea what to do or where they were.
She saw a few houses within easy reach, almost burnt down to their foundation, and the whole place looked deserted and empty. No one is here, she thought, no one would or could help me, and we will die right here. She didn't mind it anymore, she found no reason to live. But she didn't want to leave Amon for his sake, she didn't understand why. Was it his helplessness, his being so defenceless? He wasn't that strong man, the mighty Herr Kommandant anymore. He was simply a dying man.
She knew that she would never be able to carry him anywhere and she saw nothing useful, no carts, not even a bicycle. All she could see was a pump, about two hundred meters from there and she decided to stay there. Water was important and she didn't have anywhere else to go.
She opened Amon's rucksack and searched it through. She put his raincoat under his head, forming a pillow, and spread his warm travelling rug over his body. That was all she could do for his comfort. Hopefully it won't rain, otherwise we will be in a much bigger trouble, she thought. She found his flask and she ran for water. She was glad of the fresh water, she drank half a flask of it, then she refilled it and hurried back to Amon. He was lying restless and he was moaning softly. She put her hand on his forehead and she could feel that he had high fever. She moaned too because she had to do something again that she didn't want to in another situation.
She wetted her handkerchief and put it on his forehead, then she started to undress him. She opened his jacket, then his shirt and washed his chest and belly with fresh water using one of his vests. She had never touched a man's body, especially not a naked one and she couldn't even imagine it to do that. It was so inappropriate, no matter, if the man was ill or not, and it was one of the reasons she would have never chosen to be a nurse. And if Destiny had wanted to torture her more, there was an even harder task. She had to pull Amon's trousers down to cool his legs as well. She hated every second of it, but she managed to do that. She used another vest on his long, hairy thighs and legs. When the wet piece of clothes touched his groin by accident, Amon shouted.
- Fuck, it hurts!
He didn't even open his eyes and he slipped back into his comatose-like condition immediately.
Helena felt that there was something she needed to see, even though she didn't want to. She suspected that Amon's groin hurt because of the swollen lymph nodes on his skin and she had to check them out if she was right. She pulled his underpants down very slowly and she almost vomited from the sight. She couldn't believe it that she had been able to do that and that she could see something so disgusting like never before. There were already three white swellings bulging out on Amon's left thigh, like little mysterious eggs hidden under his skin, only a few centimetres next to his penis.
If he was able to catch the plague within only two days, she thought, it will probably kill me too by the end of this week. She knew that they had almost no chance to survive because there were no hospitals, no medicine, no one to help them. It was the end for both of them.
Before she fell asleep, leaning to the mile stone, sitting next to Amon's lifeless body, she turned to the only one who could help: God. Even though God took my family away, I am still here, as strong and healthy as I was in the last few years, she was wondering, maybe for such a reason I cannot even imagine, so maybe this time he will listen to me. She prayed for Amon's recovery.