Title: Blame Game
Word Count: 383
Rating: PG13
Characters: Abarai Renji, Ayasegawa Yumichika, Hisagi Shuuhei, Hitsugaya Toushirou, Kusajishi Yachiru, Matsumoto Rangiku, Zaraki Kenpachi
Warnings: Mild language, vague sexual references
Summary: It was all Matsumoto's fault.
A/N: Companion piece to Red Flag...I really don't know where the sudden flux of vaguely yaoi crack is coming from. Oh well. Hitsugaya's in this one! Anyways, I'm relatively certain that this is WAY OOC, but it's supposed to be crack-ish, so I think that's alright.

If asked, Hisagi Shuuhei and Abarai Renji would say it was all Matsumoto's fault. She, they reasoned, had absolutely ruined them for other women, even if it had been only one night and all three of them were so drunk that no one remembered the incident anyway.

Matsumoto, of course, denied ever having done anything with either of them, let alone both in the same night, and said it was due to Yumichika's influence. At this, everyone, including Yumi himself, had to agree that his gayness did have a way of affecting anybody not wholly immune to it; that is to say, anybody not female, Ikkaku, or Zaraki-taichou.

Yumi, however, scoffed prettily and said it was Nature's doing. So the blame fell upon Hitsugaya, who, with his ability to control the weather, seemed like the next best thing, given that Nature was not herself a physical being.

Hitsugaya sent them both running with a twitch of his eyebrow, wondering how such utter imbeciles had ever managed to make it to the rank of lieutenant.

But, by the twisted logic possessed by only a select few residents of Seireitei, the fact that Nature had made them gay only served to further their argument that it was all Matsumoto's fault.

According to them, it was Nature that had given her such absurdly huge boobs, and as such, Nature had caused her to ruin them for other, less gifted members of her sex.

But while this somehow made perfect sense to them, the revelation had elicited blank stares from all involved parties, Hitsugaya included.

They would have continued this line of thought, determined as they were to prove their masculinity, had not Zaraki, tired of all the whining, finally sent Yachiru out to intervene.

She had smacked them both, rather hard, and then gone to perch on Ikkaku's head, giggling at their muttered curses and vows of revenge upon the little pink-haired bitch. But eventually they calmed, and Yachiru, with the all the wisdom and authority only a child could muster, said, "Why must I explain everything? It doesn't matter, stupid-heads!"

She then proceeded to hop off of Baldy-chan's head and gone to chase hell butterflies, leaving two stunned lieutenants, one sparkling fifth-seat, one smirking woman, one scowling third-seat, and one snickering captain in her wake.