This Chapter:
Triggers -
Scenes of contemplating self-harm.
M for more vibrant language, more mature themes, and sexually mature scenes. I don't own Star Trek, more's the pity. Only my original characters and plot line.
Loss
Ch 10 - Jarring
Once cocooned in Khan's strong arms, Sara slept peacefully in the knowledge that she was safe and secure. Hours later, though, she woke in a start. Khan was not in bed with her. Her eyes roamed the room, but still no Khan. Standing up, Sara checked the bathroom then the rest of the hotel room for any sign of her sociopath. She didn't find any. But, she noticed the car keys were gone. Hesitatingly nudging the curtains to one side, Sara looked out the window for the Subie. It was gone, too.
Leaning against the back of the door, Sara slowly slid down until she was resting on the floor hugging her knees to her chest. Regardless of all the logical explanations that her brain tried to bestow, the seeds of panic slowly grew from her stomach - blossoming in her chest. Soon her lungs were entangled in its tendrils as she fought to take a breath.
Grabbing her handbag and settling herself back against the door, Sara rifled through it. Handbags were always in a catch-22. She needed one big enough to put all her stuff inside; but when she used one that was big, she could never find what she was looking for.
Jarring the contents from left to right; eventually, she found it. Small with a cardboard cover, a single edge razor had been Sara's goal. Considering it for ages, she turned it end over end. She had no concept about how much time had past. Slowly, she took the cover off and held it on the blunt ends. She had felt the pull of it last night while she was having her shower. The stress from her attempted rape being the trigger. But knowing Khan was just outside cleaning up the splinters of wood scattered on the floor had been comforting. Khan had been there, and his presence was the rock she needed. Now, with his absence causing an additional stress, Sara was drawn to it even more. She tried to pull herself away from it with her logical arguments, but her anxiety seemed to win through.
Sara spoke to the silent room, "There's no reason for Khan to abandon me now. If he hadn't left me to my attackers, then he wouldn't leave now. But, that was before you strangled his neck, confessed your undying love, and made him crawl into bed with you. Don't be stupid, Khan doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do. Yes, you moron. And that's why he's gone."
Sara was so immersed in her monologue that she failed to hear the Subie's engine as well as the key working its way into the door. When the door tried to open, Sara was blocking it. The first time she realized what was going on was when she felt it bump against her back.
"Sara? Open this door or I break it down." Worry, annoyance, and fierceness found their ways into his voice in equal measures.
She scrambled to stand up and opened the door. A very irritated and concerned Khan met her.
"Well?"
Instead of verbally answering him, Sara energetically circled her arms around Khan's body leaning her head into him. The top of her head fit nicely under his chin as he leaned his head down. Dropping the bags he was carrying automatically, his large hands came up to caress her hair.
"You must do something about your doubting of me."
"I will try. But, you must do something about your inability to leave a fucking note."
He paused, on the verge of starting an argument, and then thought better of it choosing instead to explain his actions. "I realized that you have not eaten in over twenty-four hours. I was getting breakfast."
"Oh, thank you." At the mention of food, Sara realized that her stomach growled in protest.
"There is fruit in the larger bags. Also, I remembered that you liked these while we were at the old woman's house."
Sara looked into the fast food bag, "Oh, Southern biscuits. You did very well, Khan."
They both sat on the couch as they ate. Sara's mood had completely turned around when Khan asked, "What is that?" His voice turned from relaxed to cold when his eyes hit upon the object.
"What is what?"
Khan picked up a shiny object that was on the floor. It was the razor blade Sara had been holding. In her rush to open the door, Sara had dropped it.
"This." Khan held the blade by his finger tips. "Explain."
Sara took a deep breath. "You must understand that what happened to me yesterday was traumatic. Even though you stopped it, I am still affected by it. The nightmares last night – the urges last night and this morning to cut – but that's been all they've been - urges. I have not cut myself since we've met – not once."
"There is more."
"I was stressed to find you gone without leaving any kind of note. I was afraid that I had been too forward last night and that you didn't want to deal with my sorry emotional ass."
"Sara, I promised you at the beginning that I would be honest when I kill you, yes?"
"Yes."
"Then why would I run out on you now – secretively, instead of being honest?"
"Very good point."
Khan found the cover, re-sheathed the blade, and handed it back to Sara.
She looked puzzled. "I don't understand. I thought you'd throw it away."
"You know my wishes, but disposing of it must be your own choice. I believe that you are strong enough not to need it anymore."
Sara looked back and forth from the blade in her hand to Khan. Slowly, Sara took the covered blade and dropped it into the trash can.
"You're right. I don't need it anymore."
"I am trusting you to be true to your word."
"I know. And, thank you, Khan." She paused trying to take a lighter tone while she still eyed the trash can. "So I suppose we should get ready to leave. Still lots of miles between us and Knoxville."
"No. Not today."
"Why not?"
"I drove past where we were yesterday, and the police are there."
"Shouldn't we leave right now?"
"No. They may be looking for the car. A strange Subaru driving back and forth around the area is suspicious – a Subaru simply parked at a hotel is not."
"How would they know about the Subie?"
"How do you think the three piles of ash happen to find us? The waitress told them about it." The smooth way Khan spoke of the men he'd killed made Sara's skin tingle.
But her blood started seething as she thought about the waitress. "I wish I'd never seen that bitch."
"I cannot change the past. But I can promise that you'll never see her again."
"What did you do? Did you kill her?"
"Not directly. But there are so many errors in hospitals these days. Being given the wrong medicine happens more often than you think. I simply stole into her hospital this morning and changed her medicinal directions."
"How did you know which hospital?"
"A town this small, there is only one."
She tried to gather the bravery to ask the question that had been on her mind since Khan had walked away from the restaurant table, but she couldn't quite form the words. "Why . . . ?"
Khan misunderstood her. "Kill her? So she can't give any more information about us."
"No. No. Why did you fuck her in the first place?" This time, Sara did nothing to hide the hurt she felt.
Khan knew that this was coming. He stepped closer to Sara putting a hand on her elbow. "I realize now that I took her but I wanted you."
She looked up to him unflinching. "So that makes everything alright does it? Did you even use protection?"
"When one has a superior immune system, one does not have to worry about STDs."
"What if you had gotten her pregnant? You could have just killed your unborn child." Sara's voice wavered emotionally. Children had become a miracle that was no longer available to her, and the idea that Khan could have potentially killed his own child by killing the waitress sit uneasy with her. She hated the waitress, but any child coming from their union would be an innocent and not responsible for either parents' mistakes.
"That is an impossibility. A part of my superior DNA will not allow me to breed with lesser humans."
"Wait a minute. So. When all the women of your crew died – in the future – you lost your ability to have children as well?" She brought her hand up to caress his face, "I am so sorry, Khan."
"Like you, I prefer not to talk about it."
Sara just nodded finding it hard to keep the moisture from coming to her eyes.
Khan wiped her tears away with his long thumb. Something caught in his chest. No one had ever cried for him.
"Do yo know what separates humans – both greater and lesser – from the rest of the animals?"
Sara's eyes went to the digit that had just stoked her face. "The opposable thumb?"
"No. Our ability to kiss. Any sexual animal can fuck. But kissing is so much more," Khan stepped even closer into her personal space, " . . . intimate. When two people kiss, they share the very air they breathe. The spark of life itself is created first in the kiss."
"What are you really trying to say?" Sara searched his eyes for sincerity. His eyes were full and intent on her.
"I admit to fucking the waitress – but I never kissed her. Even before when I had the pick of women like myself, I never felt the emotional draw of needing to press my lips to someone else's body. The waitress meant nothing to me."
"And me?"
"I grow fonder of you each day. You are on the surface an ordinary human, but you keep surprising me, Sara."
"So what are you saying?" She wasn't going to let him get by with it that easily. She needed him to say it out loud.
"I want to kiss you, Sara Augustine Trevathan." The richness of his voice made Sara's knees weaken.
It was too much to process and take in, so Sara tried diverting the conversation. "So, yesterday, when I kissed your hand, I was thanking you. Doesn't it have another meaning?"
"Kissing of the hand is a symbol of pledging one's fealty, faithfulness, loyalty."
"Oh."
"Do not worry. You were unaware of its meaning. I will not hold you to it. But, you have not answered my question, Sara."
"You haven't asked a question yet, Khan." The edges of her lips turned up in a smile.
He lowered his gaze. When Khan looked back up, his light blue eyes taking on a darker tone which was mirrored in his voice. "May I kiss you?"
Sara answered by threading her fingers through Khan's, bringing his hand up to her lips, and kissing the back of his hand. She could see Khan's eyes burn with desire as she repeated her action from yesterday – but this time fully understanding its meaning.
Sara whispered, "Yes, Khan. Yes, you may."
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