Chapter Ten
...
Two women stood outside a building, one of them clutching a colourful leaflet.
"We don't even know what this 'Akatsuki' is!"
"I think it's a new pop group, we should definitely audition to join."
They pushed open the door slightly and peered in curiously. Then they both began screaming hysterically and turned to run away. They bumped into a hooded man; his face had been mutated by the use of forbidden jutsus. Their screaming intensified.
The hooded man slaughtered the annoying women and entered the building. It was absolutely packed with the mangled corpses of shinobi from many different countries. He stepped over and on many dead bodies to reach the centre of the room.
Zetsu looked up from the corpse he was feasting on, blood dribbled down his chin to stain the white fabric of his suit.
"Is that you Kabuto?" "You look like shit."
The man lifted down his hood and smiled. Most of his skin had become scaly and his eyes looked just like those of his old master, behind a pair of circular glasses.
"I thought maybe I'd arrive too late, I'm glad you're still here." he said.
He looked over at Samehada. It moved rhythmically up and down on top of a long blade.
"Is Samehada humping that sword?" he asked Kisame.
The shark-man grinned. "Yes."
Then his serpentine eyes glanced over at a familiar boy. "It seems that you've only got one new recruit."
Suigetsu noisily slurped from a water bottle with a straw as he glared at Kabuto.
"Ah no, Suigetsu-kun isn't a member of the Akatsuki." said Kisame. "He just thought it'd be fun to hang around with us and help kill everyone that attacks us."
"You have a lot of enemies." Kabuto said with amusement. "There must be over a hundred dead people here."
"Yeah, nobody wants to join us." said Tobi sadly.
"I do."
"You can't let that sick bastard join you." said Suigetsu. "He kept me in a fish tank for years and experimented on me."
Tobi gave him a hug. "That's awful. Did you have to eat those fish food flakes?"
Suigetsu nodded. "Yeah, they were actually quite tasty."
"Suigetsu-kun, as you're not an Akatsuki member you have no say in who joins." said Kabuto. "Isn't this supposed to be a tryout? Do I have to fight one of you to prove my worth?"
Zetsu looked to the bloodthirsty shark. "I'm guessing you want to take him on."
"Nah, Samehada is busy right now." said Kisame. "He can fight one of you."
"Pick me! Pick me!" Tobi waved a hand in the air.
"Alright." Kabuto smiled, and pushed his glasses up.
The floorboards cracked and splintered apart as a coffin forced its way up. The front panel fell down and slammed into the floor, revealing the occupant within.
"Tobi-kun, have you been a baaaad boy?" a voice echoed from the coffin.
"Mama!" Tobi squealed, quivering in fear.
"If you concede defeat then I'll make her go away." the evil medic said.
The childlike Uchiha sat down and hugged his knees, rocking backwards and forth. "Tobi is a good boy, Tobi is a good boy, Tobi is a good boy, Tobi is…"
"That's enough!" said Zetsu.
The front panel lifted up and boxed Tobi's mother back into the coffin, before it sank down into the earth and disappeared.
"You can bring the dead back to life. That's very impressive." said Kisame.
"I have surpassed Orochimaru-sama himself. I will be an excellent addition to your organisation." Kabuto boasted.
"You're in. Welcome to the Akatsuki." Kisame grinned.
"You'll regret it." Suigetsu warned. He sat down next to Tobi and slung an arm around him comfortingly.
"You're looking very similar to Orochimaru. Why is that?"
"I implanted his remains into my body." Kabuto replied.
"What does pedo mean?" asked Tobi. "I heard Anko-sensei call Oroachimalu-san that."
"It's someone that likes to do very bad things to children." Kisame explained.
"He wouldn't do bad things to children; I heard he likes little boys very much."
Kisame sighed. "You needn't worry, you're too old anyway."
"Guy-sempai says I may be middle-aged but I am still filled with youthful innocence."
Kabuto hissed. Everyone turned to stare at him.
"Please don't talk about youth or innocence. I have Orochimaru-sama inside of me and it makes him very frisky and difficult to control." he said.
"We kicked that nasty old snake out of the Akatsuki and we don't want him back." said Zetsu.
"I can control him!" Kabuto insisted.
"You should leave." Zetsu said coldly.
"But nobody else wants to join us." Kisame said. "We should give him a chance."
"One chance." said Zetsu. "If you start acting creepy then you're out."
"I'd better get back to my team." said Suigetsu. "Can I have a refill before I go?"
He passed his water bottle to Kisame who opened the lid and regurgitated water into it.
"Thanks! Goodbye Kisame-sempai. Goodbye Tobi-chan. I hope you end up killing that slimy snake."
"Snakes aren't slimy." Kabuto informed him.
Suigetsu took his water bottle and departed.
"What are we going to do now?" Zetsu looked to Kisame.
Kabuto chuckled. "Don't tell me that dumb brute is your leader."
"He is." said Zetsu. "Kisame, you'd better not even think of putting Kabuto in charge."
"I should be the Akatsuki leader, it's the most logical choice." argued Kabuto. "I have a superior intellect and I've had years of experience running Orochimaru-sama's secret laboratories and the Village Hidden in Sound. He delegated pretty much everything to me."
"No, Kisame is our leader." "Unless he wants to step aside for me…"
Tobi tugged on Kisame's sleeve. "If you're the boss does that mean I have to call you Kisame-sama now?"
"No you shouldn't call me that. I'm just a temporary leader until we find someone better." Kisame said.
Kabuto smiled, confident that he would gain the leadership in time.
"I want to punch that smug face." Zetsu muttered under his breath.
"I think we should head to one of our secret hideouts for now." Kisame said.
"That's not a good idea. Konan gave away the location of them all."
"That bitch!" Kisame snarled. "Let's go back to Amegakure and get revenge."
"Please don't hurt Konan-chan." Tobi begged.
"Alright, we won't attack her. We'll just sneak into her village, find out where their vault is and steal all the money so we can build new secret hideouts."
"I doubt you'll be able to sneak into the Hidden Rain Village." said Zetsu. "That place is very strict about inspecting everyone who enters or leaves and keeps 24-hour surveillance."
"We got in last time no problem."
"She must have warned the guards since then that we Akatsuki are now enemies."
"Why doesn't Konan-chan want to be our friend anymore?" asked Tobi. "Let's buy her some chocolate and then maybe she'll like us again."
"Forget about her; we don't need a traitorous skank as our friend." Zetsu said.
"Tobi can use time-space ninjutsu to get us all inside her village." said Tobi.
"That's a great idea, let's do it!" Kisame said enthusiastically.
The orange-masked ninja hugged Kisame before transferring him to his dimension. He then turned to Zetsu.
"Stop!" "Do it to him first." Zetsu pointed at Kabuto.
"Okay." Tobi touched the medic-nin and sucked him into his dimension.
"Listen Tobi." said Zetsu. "You shouldn't spend any time alone with Kabuto. I don't trust him." "Also don't forget to bring…"
Tobi sent him to join the other two.
"…my money. Fuck."
Tobi's dimension was quite dark; with smooth rectangular blocks poking up at various heights as far as the eye could see.
"This place is boring." said Kisame. "I hope he doesn't keep us here for a whole day like last time. I think we ate through his entire supply of mouldy dangos."
"If we can't find any food then I suggest we eat Kabuto." Zetsu eyed the medic-nin hungrily.
"I'm going to look around." Kisame jumped down into the narrow space between blocks.
"Why don't we play a game to pass the time?" Kabuto suggested and pulled out a pack of cards.
"What are those?"
"My ninja info cards." Kabuto said. "Please sit down, I'll explain the rules."
Intrigued, Zetsu did as he was told and both spies sat cross-legged facing each other.
Kabuto placed half of his cards by himself and half by his opponent. "The objective is to win all the cards. Take the top card of your deck but make sure I don't see it."
They both drew a card.
"You can see a list of attributes with numbers next to them ranging from 0 to 5. You must choose one of those attributes and say it out loud. Then we each reveal our cards and whoever has the highest score wins them both." Kabuto explained.
"Ok, I think I've got it." Zetsu eyed the stats on his ninja info card. It was of Tenten. She had 3.5 in three different attributes and that was her highest score. He deliberated over which one to pick.
"Hurry up." Kabuto said impatiently.
"Taijutsu." "No, Speed." Zetsu placed down his card. "I got a 3.5"
Kabuto put down a Zabuza Momochi card. "I have a 4 in Speed. I win this round so I'll take these two cards and put them at the bottom of my deck. Now we'll draw again and it's my turn to choose."
They played for a while and Zetsu's deck got smaller and smaller as he lost cards to his opponent. He couldn't help but notice that he only drew genin and the occasional chuunin whereas Kabuto consistently drew cards of the very best ninja.
"You're cheating!" he accused. "Why do you always get better cards than me?"
"I'm not cheating. Someone is just a sore loser." Kabuto smirked.
Kisame hopped back onto their block. "There's a lot of junk down there but I didn't find anything edible."
"I wonder what snake tastes like." Zetsu pondered.
"What are you doing?" Kisame asked. He looked at the card that Kabuto was holding. "Why is there a picture of me on that?"
"Don't tell him what cards I have." Kabuto said, annoyed. "Hurry up Zetsu-san; it's your turn to choose."
Zetsu inspected the card in his hand; it was of a disabled genin from the Hidden Sand.
"Hmmm." "I choose Intelligence."
They both placed down their cards. The Sand genin had an Intelligence score of 3 and Kisame's was 3.5.
"I win." Kabuto said smugly and took both cards.
"Why did you say intelligence, do you think I'm stupid?" asked Kisame.
"No. It's just that I knew she wouldn't match you in Strength or Stamina or… "
"If you had chosen Genjutsu then you would have won. He only has 2.5 in that." Kabuto interrupted.
"You spent all those years partnered with the master of genjutsu and didn't pick up a few tricks? Maybe you are stupid."
Kabuto had an amused expression on his face as he watched them argue. Then something large hit him on the head before dropping to the floor and spilling its contents all over the place.
"My money!" Zetsu started grabbing the scattered money and shoving it back into the sack.
The bespectacled shinobi continued with the game but Zetsu ignored him so he asked Kisame if he wanted to play instead.
"No thanks."
"Alright, but at least let me show you something." Kabuto searched through his deck and pulled out the ninja info card of himself. He presented it to Kisame. "This shows that I have an Intelligence of 5, that's the highest score. I am definitely the person most capable of running the Akatsuki."
Zetsu bit him. "You are not going to be our leader."
The medic-nin healed his wound. "You uncivilised beasts need someone to control you."
Zetsu bit into him again and this time hung on tenaciously as Kabuto struggled to get him off. Then they were all ejected from Tobi's dimension and found themselves in the room at the Angel Hotel that most of them had stayed in previously.
"Hey guys, I did it! I teleported us all into the Hidden Rain Village." Tobi said proudly. "Why are you eating the newbie Zetsu-san?"
The cannibal released his prey. "You forgot to leave any food in there." "I was getting peckish."
Kabuto looked out of the window. It was dark out and heavy rain pounded against the glass making it difficult to see, but still the view was awe-inspiring. Amegakure had a beautiful skyline with its countless skyscrapers reaching to the heavens.
Then he realised something was missing…
"Where are my ninja info cards?"
Zetsu noticed that his sack wasn't with them.
"Where is my money?"
They both clamoured for the return of their property.
"SHUT UP!" Kisame roared.
"But my…"
"Let Tobi-chan keep it, we'll have more money than we know what to do with once we clear out the Rain vault."
"I have a suggestion. Why don't we visit the graveyard and pay our respects to the former Akatsuki leader while we're here." Kabuto smirked.
"Does this have anything to do with your ability to raise the dead?" asked Zetsu suspiciously.
"Correct." Kabuto pushed his glasses up. "I think having the dead to fight for us will prove useful. I have a feeling that this poorly thought-out mission won't go according to plan."
They decided to go later, in the early hours of the morning when they would be less likely to be caught sneaking around. Tobi was very excited to be able to stay up so long after his bedtime.
"I'm going to grab someone to eat. I'll be back soon." Zetsu left through the window.
Kisame started to run a hot bath for himself, pouring in a generous amount of bubble bath. When the tub was filled he stripped off his clothes and got into the foamy water, grabbing some rubber ducks to play with.
Kabuto had coaxed Tobi into returning his cards and was attempting to play a game with him. Tobi was trying to convince Kabuto to add 'Pretty' as a new category.
"I'll give Sakura-san a 3, she has stupid hair. Tobi doesn't understand why Naruto-kun likes that meanie when my beautiful and kind Hinata-chan wants to be his girlfriend." Tobi picked out another card. "Oh wow, this Haku girl is so pretty. I'll give her a 5."
"I'm not going to put attractiveness as a category; being good-looking doesn't make you a better ninja."
"Yes it does. Anko-sensei says seduction is a very useful ninja tactic."
"Maybe you're right." Kabuto took out a notepad and starting jotting things down. "Ok, I'll put Orochimaru-sama down as a 5."
Soon Zetsu returned.
"I told you not to spend any time alone with him." he said angrily to Tobi. "Where is Kisame?"
"I'm in here." Kisame called out from the bathroom.
Splashing could be heard as he got out of the tub. Then the door slowly began to open. White Zetsu waited with anticipation for the sexy shark-man to appear, dripping wet and wearing nothing but a towel…
"C'mon Samehada."
"Gi Gi."
The sharkskin sword slithered through the narrow gap and the door closed firmly behind it. Its owner picked it up and placed it into the bathtub.
"Gi Gi Gi." Samehada splashed about happily.
Kabuto glanced at the plant man. His white side had a disappointed expression while his black side looked bored.
"I'll give him a 0.1." Kabuto jotted it down. "That serves him right for not accepting me as his rightful leader."
"Kabuto-san, how pretty do you think Tobi is?" Tobi asked coquettishly, placing a finger on his mask right where his lips would be.
Kabuto looked him over. He couldn't see much because of that orange mask, just a red eye peering through the eyehole. That eye… just like Sasuke's and Itachi's… Kabuto became transfixed by the sharingan and lost himself momentarily to Orochimaru. The Sannin was incredibly partial to Uchiha boys and just imagining what beautiful face lay beyond that mask got him all excited.
"Fiiive." he hissed hoarsely.
"Oh yay!" Tobi said happily.
Kabuto regained control. "Can't you turn that sharingan off? It's distracting."
"How do I turn it off?"
"You don't even know how to use your own bloodline limit properly? You're an imbecile."
"Thank you." said Tobi. He didn't know what the word imbecile meant but he thought Kabuto was nice and so guessed it was a compliment.
Finally Kisame exited the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His shark-sword followed him out and slithered between his feet.
"Don't do that." Kisame said. "You'll trip me up."
"Gi Gi Gi."
Samehada opened its maw, reached up and clamped down on the towel.
"Let go!" Kisame commanded.
Samehada yanked it off.
"GIVE THAT BACK!"
The sentient sword ignored him and held the towel firmly between its sharp teeth. Kisame went to grab it but Samehada quickly backed away. It shook the towel vigorously like a dog would.
Then the naked blue man noticed his comrades were all intently focused on his schlong.
"This is embarrassing… will you guys stop staring?"