Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio
(cannibal drums are pounding as two cannibal women walk up to Jack and drape a necklace of human toes around his neck)
Jack: Thank you. (studies one of the toes, bites part of the nail off) Hmm. Tastes like chicken. Yummies! (takes a BIG bite)
(meanwhile, two spherical bone cages of six crewman apiece hang from ropes over a deep chasm; Will is in the same cage with Gibbs, Cotton, Marty, Anamaria, and one other)
Will: This is the gayest expedition-to-retrieve-a-compass-so-I-can-save-my-fiancée-and-myself-from-being-hanged ever.
Gibbs: What's that, mate?
Will: Why would he do this to us? Why would he make himself the chief of a bunch of homosexuals and throw us in here?
Gibbs: They aren't homosexuals, mate, they're cannibals.
Will: Um…a man said "ball licky-licky" and we're stuck inside two hanging balls. How do you not see that?
Gibbs: Look, mate, the Pelegostos made Jack their chief, but he only remains chief as long as he acts like a chief.
Will: I never knew homosexuals could be so cruel.
Gibbs: They're not homosexuals!
Will: You can't prove that.
Gibbs: …I guess that's true. But there are more pressing matters at hand! They believe Jack is a god in human form—
Will: Really? That's what the majority of our audience—teenage girls—believe about Johnny Depp! That's weird!
Gibbs: --and they intend to do him the honor of releasing him from his fleshy prison. (Cotton bites Gibbs' fingers to illustrate, resulting in a crunching sound; Gibbs cries in pain and pulls his hand back) They'll roast him and eat him.
Will: A barbeque? And we're not invited?! First I find out my fiancée and I face the gallows, now this?! WHY GOD?!
Gibbs: I think you're missing the point. They're going to kill Jack.
Will: And how can you have a barbeque without guests?! Where's the rest of the crew?
Gibbs: These cages we're in…weren't built until after we got here.
Will (pulling hand away from the bony bars of the cage): You don't kill half your guests and imprison the rest! That's just not good etiquette!
Gibbs (rolling eyes at Will's obliviousness): Jack's life will end when the drums stop.
Will: I want to go to the barbeque! (turns to others in cage with him) Come on, men!
Anamaria (coughs): Ahem.
Will: And woman. We've got to get to that barbeque!
(back at throne, drums are pounding)
Jack: Oup! No no! Oi! No no! More wood! Big fire! Big fire! Want big fire! Come on! (encouraging cannibals) Oi! Maboogie snickel-snickel. Tout de suite! Come on! More wood! (cannibals, looking away from Jack, pile big pieces of wood onto the fire; when they finish, they turn around to see that Jack is gone)
(Jack runs across a bridge, alone, runs through trees and between huts, then runs up to cliff edge and totters at the edge, looking down; he stands at the edge of a rock wall, embedded with human skulls; he examines a piece of bamboo, but then puts it down and goes into a hut, where he sees various supplies; he picks up a rope and starts to exit, but then sees a can of paprika, picks it up, sees the EITC logo and walks out, only to see the entire tribe waiting silently outside, staring at him; he halts)
Jack: Oh bugger. (drops his coil of rope and sprinkles paprika on his armpits, while still wearing his shirt, confusing the natives) Little seasoning, aye? (cut to Jack tied to bamboo, cannibals lifting him up via the pole and hanging him over the pile of wood via two supports; they are dancing wildly in anticipation) Medium rare?
(cages are now swinging in increasingly large arcs, and both finally come within reach of the glib; men grab vines and hang on)
Gibbs: Put your legs through! Start to climb!
Will: That's what she said. But seriously, we have to get to that barbeque!
Leech: But I'm a vegetarian!
(Gibbs nods)
Will: Whatever. Last one there's a rotten egg! (the two cages begin racing each other to top) Come on, men! Where's your motivation?!
Marty: Come on! Give it all you've got! (a cannibal is crossing the bridge)
Will: Wait! I know! (reaches behind back as others keep pulling on vines; he pulls out a brown bag and reaches inside, pulling out various random objects, including an umbrella, a Ralph's coupon, a car payment, a Persian cat, and finally a copy of the "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" DVD, before finding what he was searching for—a little cardboard box, no bigger than his hand, labeled "Instant Cheerleaders: Just Add Water!")(to everyone else) Does anyone have any water?
Everyone else: No.
Will: Then how am I supposed to—wait, hold on a minute! (turns away; we hear a trickling sound, but the camera is focusing on everyone else, who have shocked expressions on their face)(turning around) Okay! Done! (throws now-wet box through opening in cage to top of cliff) Boy, it's a good thing I drank so much soda on the way here! (we see cheerleaders dressed in skimpy green-and-white outfits and carrying equally green-and-white pom-poms pop out of the box, and they start dancing and chanting)
Cheerleaders (chanting): Go main characters! Go main characters! You've got character shields! You can't die! You can't die! You can't die! You can't die! Go main characters!...
Anamaria (pausing): What the hell?!
Will: Come on, Anamaria! Where's your team spirit?
Anamaria: I'm not sure, but last time I looked, I'm pretty sure it was up your ass.
Will: Leave my donkey out of this!
Leech (seeing cheerleaders): No fair! No fair!
Will (seeing cannibal crossing bridge): Oh no! One of the homosexuals is crossing the bridge! Everyone be quiet!
Leech (ignoring Will, silent laugh): Yeah, right. I'm not being a rotten egg!
Will: But I mean it! (Cannibal sees the cheerleaders at the top of the cliff)
Cheerleaders (dancing, chanting): We're dressed in skimpy clothing! We're popular and we're hot! Paris Hilton is a good person—oh, wait, no she's not!
Cannibal (in native language, subtitled): Oh my God. That's true. (looks down, sees cages climbing) Hey! They're not supposed to be doing that! (looks around himself for weapon to throw at them)
(Leech is still climbing, but grabs a snake instead of a vine)
Leech: Snake! (screams, causing everyone else in his cage to scream, causing them to let go of vines, cage to slide down, rope to break, and cage to fall down to bottom of chasm)
Men in Leech's cage, including Leech (last words, screaming as they fall): OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!
(Cannibal sees cage fall, sees other cage with main characters still climbing)
Cannibal (subtitled): Oh no you don't! (throws his weapon—a small rock—at their cage, but instead, it just falls to bottom of chasm)(seeing rock fall) Hmm. Maybe I should've thought this through better.
Someone (unseen at bottom of chasm, rock heard hitting their head): OW!
Cannibal: I'll be back, bitches!
(back at throne, drums are pounding; a white-faced cannibal carrying a torch runs across bridge to bonfire area)
White-faced cannibal (holding torch, but you knew that already): Ahhh! Fye-fye!
Cannibal crowd: Ahhh! Fye fye!
(White-faced cannibal is putting fire closer and closer to wood underneath Jack, when cannibal from bridge arrives to tell the tribe of the escaping men in cages)
Cannibal: The bitches are getting away!
Random cannibal in crowd (subtitled): How come he has subtitles and we don't?!
Another random cannibal (subtitled): Look! You have subtitles now, too!
Random cannibal in crowd (looking down): I do! Wow! That's cool! (pause; looks down) Booger. (he said it just to see it appear in his subtitle, laughs) That's awesome!
Cannibal: But the bitches are getting away!
White-faced cannibal (turning to Jack): Oogie boogie mawoogie?
Another random cannibal (pointing at white-faced cannibal in mockery): Ha ha! We have subtitles and you don't! We have subtitles and you don't!
Jack: Um…I say…go on! Go get them! Yeah! Hay alla!
Cannibal crowd: Hay alla! Alla, alla! (cannibals run off to chase after men escaping in cages, in process dropping a torch near the pile of wood under Jack)
Jack: No! No no! Oi! No no! (edges of wood begin to catch fire) …Not good. (blows futilely at rising flames)