Notes: t's midnight, I have work at 5am and I totally didn't proofread this because I wanted to get it out to you guys asap, so sorry for any errors. Enjoy!
Chapter Ten
"Who is she, Kreiss?"
The police chief leaned back in his chair, his hands folded on his stomach. Noel sat across from him at the chief's desk, his expression betraying nothing.
"This is strictly off the record. I don't want to lose you, you know. You've been through a lot. I had my own daughter do the work up in the lab - you've met her? Lina? - and absolutely nothing comes up on those prints. Not one thing. But I had her report they matched up with Ballad's. So you can do me the courtesy of satisfying my curiosity, hm?"
"I don't know," Noel said. "Not really. I know she's from Cocoon. I don't know…what she's done or anything."
"Interesting," the chief mused, "how she flew under the radar."
"Interesting," Noel agreed.
"Well, if that's all I'm going to get out of you…" He eyed Noel as he stood. "You're off the hook. When do you come back?"
"Doc says I an be back on light duty next week."
"You mean desk jockey duty."
Noel laughed. "Sir."
"Alright, go. Get better soon. It'll be good to have you back."
"Thank you, sir."
Noel slid behind the wheel of his police cruiser and headed home. His insurance was dragging their feet on the reimbursement check they owed on his totaled car; until then, he was using the cruiser. He peered at the sky through the windshield, noting the foreboding heaviness of the thick, low-lying grey clouds, promising an early snowfall. Winter had never been his favorite season. At least he'd have nowhere to be for the next week, if he was house bound.
He pulled into his apartment complex minutes later, checked his predictably empty mailbox, and headed up the stairs to his unit as the first snowflakes began to fall. His fingers pressed against his stomach, feeling through his t-shirt the thick scar tissue that kept his insides where they belonged. He shuddered. It was tight and uncomfortable when he moved, but infinitely better than having his guts exposed.
He was glad that he still had a job. He'd been worried that Lightning's prints on the gun - and of course, the cover up he would've inevitably tried to pull to protect her that would've gotten him fired for sure.
After all, Noel would need something to dedicate himself to. Lightning was off the menu.
It hurt to accept. He wanted it worse than anything. So much so that he'd manage to destroy his chances effortlessly on every level possible.
He'd never felt the way about someone as he did with Lightning and her unborn son. He had forged a connection so deep with them that he'd thought that it would've been an impossible cord to sever. He'd thought wrong, of course.
That nagging voice in the back of his head: is it because of Serah? Always, that thought, accompanied by an intense guilt.
He hadn't seen Lightning in days. Only a curt text message saying to call if she needed him. So much for being his caretaker. Not that he blamed her. She was in no position to care for him, and he had fucked up anyway.
Noel idly brushed the melting flakes off of his jacket as he put his key in the door, only to find it unlocked. Alarmed, he pushed the door open a crack and peeked in.
Lightning turned from where she was standing at the sliding glass door that led to the balcony. Was it just Noel, or had her pregnant belly grown considerably? Perhaps the first 7 months she had looked no different, but now it looked like she was smuggling a basketball under her shirt. It was cute. Noel would've smiled if it weren't for the fury on her fair face.
"Where were you?" she asked, her calm tone at odds with her angry expression.
"The PD," he answered, locking the door behind him and hanging his keys on the peg on the wall. "How long have you been waiting?"
"Don't worry about it." She turned back to the window, watching the snow.
In a stiff movement, he shrugged out of his jacket and hung it over the back of a chair. Although his stomach didn't exactly hurt, per se, he still expected it too. He took a seat in the same chair and waited.
It was so hard. Hard to see her like this, harder to keep his own emotions in check. It's not about me, it's about her.
After a moment, she took a deep breath. "I am really, really mad at you."
"Okay," he said.
She spun around, eyes flashing. As she moved, her hand went to her stomach and she winced.
"Are you alright?" he asked, concerned. He started to get up.
"Braxton-Hicks," she mumbled. "I think. Don't bother." She sat down on the couch across from him. "You know, a few nights ago, I was ready to come tear your door down and rip you from limb to limb, thanks to that little stunt you pulled when you called Hope."
Noel forced his face to be impassive, a chore in and of itself. "I'm sorry," he murmured. He wasn't really. He hadn't said anything that he didn't think wasn't true. He was sorry that it had only served to upset her. He was also sorry that Hope deemed it necessary to bother is pregnant girlfriend - sorry, fiancé - about it.
"But I didn't," she continued. "Obviously. Because after I stopped and thought about it, I realized that you only did it because you care about me. It was a bad idea, but you had good intentions. And you…you're hurting too."
"It was selfish of me," Noel said. "I shouldn't have done it. And I'm really sorry that it upset you."
"You're right," Lightning answered. "You shouldn't have. But…"
"No buts," he interrupted. "I am sorry about that. I don't want to upset you. I…" He stopped himself. "I don't want to stress you out anymore, okay? You have a lot on your plate."
They sat in silence for awhile. "I miss you," Lightning said after a time.
Noel smiled slightly. "I miss you too," he replied. "But things can't be the way they were, you know. They just…can't. And I guess the sooner we move on from that idea, the better it will be in the long run."
Lightning gazed at him with dull eyes, then dropped her head. "I don't want that."
"Nor do I. But there's no healthy way for us to…coexist. All of us. Me, you, your man. If I thought I could do it, I would. But I can't, Lightning. I just can't. It hurts too much. Whatever you may think of me, or my motives, at the end of the day, I want to be with you. I want to raise your son like he's my own. I want that so bad. I won't get in the way, though. If Hope wants to step up to the plate - it's his son. I'm glad that he is. And I hope you guys will be a happy family together. But there's no way for me to fit in that equation without causing problems. I have to remove myself completely - to protect you, and to protect myself. Do you understand?"
Another silence stretched between them, and then Noel realized that Lightning was crying, the only clue being her shaking shoulders. Startled, he stood and went to her. "Are you okay?" he asked.
She didn't look up. "No. Not especially."
He hesitated for a moment, then sat down beside her, wrapping his arms around her. When she stiffened in his embrace, he began to let go, but she said, "Don't."
Noel sighed softly and dropped his head against her neck. "I don't know what you want from me, Lightning. I honest to god do not."
"How did you get Hope's number?" she asked, her voice muffled.
"Out of your phone." He squeezed her shoulder. "Sorry. Again."
She lifted her head and looked at him. "I wish things were different."
"Different how?"
She stood abruptly, and he dropped his arms. "That this would work."
"What would?"
"Us!" Lightning turned away from him, back towards the windows. "I'm scared."
"You?"
"Yes." She pressed her hands to the glass. "Scared that I've made a mistake."
Noel watched her from his seat on the couch. "You can rectify mistakes," he said quietly. "Or stop them from becoming bigger ones."
"I used to think that," Lightning said. She straightened. "I made my choice. I have to live with it."
"Sure," Noel said. "It's okay when you only have yourself to be responsible for. But you don't."
"I know." She dropped her hands. "Shit! You think I don't know that? That I don't spend every minute wondering if I'm doing right by my son? That even keeping him - "
"Don't say that," Noel said, his voice hoarse. "Don't fucking say that, Lightning."
"I'm just so riddled with doubt all the time," she said, her voice broken. "I hate it. I hate it so much."
He got up then and stood behind her. "If I could fix everything, I would. In a heartbeat. If there was a wand I could wave to make everything okay for you, I would do that, even if it meant I didn't get to be with you. If I could tell you what to do to guarantee your happiness, whatever the cost and whatever the outcome, I'd do it. But nothing in life is like that. There are no guarantees. We make leaps of faith and hope that whatever at the bottom with catch us. It's all we can do." He stepped closer to her. "Follow your instincts, Lightning. What do they tell you?"
She spun around. "They tell me I fucked up, Noel! Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Perhaps there had been a point where it would've been. Instead, the words only served to make Noel feel sick. "No," he said.
"Why?" Just like that, she went from fury to tears again. "Isn't that what you want? It means I should've picked you."
"Did you not hear what I just said? I said I want you to be happy, whether that means I'm in the picture or not. This indecision, this second-guessing…"
She stared up at him with a morose expression, then turned her face away. "It's nothing new," she whispered.
"Then why…"
"Because it's the right thing to do. Isn't it? To try, at least."
"Is that what your gut tells you?" he asked gently.
"My gut currently houses a baby who thinks he's running a goddamn marathon." She sighed. "I don't know, Noel. I just don't. And I really hate it."
"I'm sorry, Lightning. I really am."
She dropped her head against his chest and his arms went around her again, his chin atop her hair. "I wish you would stay," she said.
"It's not a good idea," he told her. "We both know it."
"I know. I still want it."
"Me too, sweetheart. Me too."
She looked up at him, their gazes locking. And knowing full well that it was a terrible idea and that he absolutely shouldn't, he did what he wanted to do since what felt like forever.
Noel kissed her.
Lightning's hands balled into fists against his chest, and he expected her to shove him away. He moved to break the kiss, but instead she pulled him closer, kissing him deeper. His arms slid down around her waist and he held her tight as his lips worked against hers, his mouth parting under the insistent probe of her tongue -
He backed away. "No," he said. "Lightning. We can't."
She watched him, her face strangely hollow. "I know," she said. "I just…wanted to. One time." And suddenly she was doubled over, her arms going around her stomach.
Noel rushed back to her side, grabbing her hand. "Lightning?"
"Noel," she said between gritted teeth, her fingers digging into her abdomen.
"Oh, god," Noel said, his stomach doing a swift flip. "The baby?"
"Call an ambulance," she said, easing herself to the floor. "And Hope. Call Hope."
There was blood on her inner thighs.