"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

-Henny Youngman

"Hey, Richard, I thought you would want to know that your video now has over 500,000 views. Congratulations, you are now a YouTube celebrity."

Charlotte's announcement made Richard cringe. "I thought it was illegal to put a video of a nude person on that website."

"Actually, and you'll be happy to know this, I photoshopped a foam finger over your genitals… Get it?"

"Yes, I get it."

"Like Miley Cyrus at the V.M.A.-"

"I said I get it!"

Charlotte laughed at Richard's very displeased expression.

"I want to make another bet." Charlotte arched an eyebrow at his statement.

"That didn't go so well for you last time. But by all means, go on."

"A drinking game. If I win, you have to take down the video."

Charlotte leaned forward with a smirk plastered on her face. "And if I win?"

The amount of fear Richard felt from looking at Charlotte's smug expression almost made him take the bet back.

Almost.

"What do you want?"

The bane of Richard's existence considered her options. She could make him streak again, but that couldn't possibly go better than it did last time. What else would be funny to watch?

"You have to kiss Caroline."

Richard scoffed. "Done."

"Nuh huh," Charlotte wagged her finger. "You have to be sober. You can't just do it after we finish the game."

The blood fled from Richard's face and Charlotte almost considered changing the bet.

Almost.

"Do we have a bet?"

Richard sat up straight and nodded at the evil woman sitting across from him. "We have a bet."

Elizabeth scooted closer to the inside of the chair and clutched the book to her chest, hoping that whoever had come in the library hadn't seen her. She had been able to avoid most of the people in the house and was quite enjoying her solitude for the day. She discovered her wishes were for naught as Darcy soon sat across from her. He, of course, didn't greet her or acknowledge her existence, but Lizzie wasn't surprised or upset by his demeanor. What did upset her was the fact that Caroline had apparently sniffed out Darcy, and came into the library shortly after him holding a magazine in her hand.

Caroline sat on the arm of Darcy's chair and Lizzie tried to stop the irritation from showing on her face when Caroline spoke. Dear God, has her voice always been that nasally? She sounds like a congested Fran Drescher.

"William, can you believe who they chose for Miss America? She's, like, not even that pretty. "

Caroline crossed her arms and huffed in what she thought was a cute way. Darcy glanced at the magazine cover and made a noncommittal noise. Caroline took that as acquiescence and stood up to walk around the room while she continued her rant. "They should really have a longer pageant to weed out the," here she stopped and wrinkled her nose, "unsuitable women. An ideal American woman should be graceful, beautiful, kind, charismatic, charitable, and have good taste. She should also be able to sing, draw, and dance. None of these contestants can say that about themselves."

"Intelligence is also important," Darcy stated while glancing at the book in Elizabeth's hand. Elizabeth snorted and rolled her eyes at their requisites.

Caroline flipped her hair and stared down at Elizabeth. "Do you have something to say, Eliza?"

Elizabeth couldn't stop the smirk from forming on her face. "Don't forget the fact that she must speak five languages and be an Olympic gold medalist."

Darcy closed his laptop and looked directly at Elizabeth. "Why are you so skeptical? Don't you believe such a woman exists?"

"You're describing a robot, not a woman! Haven't you ever seen 'Stepford Wives'? And even if such a woman did exist, she'd either be completely boring or annoying."

"I know a lot of women that fit that description!" Caroline cried.

Elizabeth's sarcastic response was interrupted by her ringtone. "Excuse me, I have to take this call." Elizabeth exited the room, answering the phone as she walked into the hallway. Darcy tried to drown out the grating sound that was Caroline's voice to listen to Elizabeth's conversation. It wasn't eavesdropping! Much. Does it count if you can't hear the other person?

"Hey, Courtney."

"That's great news! Tell Henry I'll talk about his pay raise when I get back."

"No, that sounds good. Next I want to focus on the Wickerman account. I'll be really surprised if that chain doesn't explode in the next couple of years."

"Don't send him. I think he might intimidate her. Get Fanny to do it."

"Yes, she'll be perfect. She's similar to Miss Wickerman, but still professional."

"No, that's it. I'll talk to you later."

Darcy focused his attention back on Caroline as Elizabeth sat back down in her chair.

"I mean, look at her toes! What do you think, William?" Caroline looked at Darcy expectantly.

Fortunately for Darcy, Charlotte ran into the room at that exact moment. "Lizzie! You have to come to the media room."

"What's going on?"

"I'm about to kick Richard's ass at a drinking game. Would you like to watch?"

"Did you warn him that you hung out with frat guys in college?"

"Nah. I thought it would be a fun surprise for him."

"That poor man." Charlotte smiled deviously and gestured for Lizzie to follow her. Darcy was also going to follow Charlotte, but Caroline grabbed his arm. "You really want to witness their childish game, William?"

Darcy almost told Caroline the truth but he didn't want her following him around. "I was going to… tie my shoes," Darcy stated in a dignified tone before he quickly left, almost running to the media room, and thereby leaving a very confused Caroline behind. He entered the room just in time to see Richard turning on camera footage.

"Okay. Every time Caroline says "like" we take a sip of beer. And every time she flips her hair we take a shot of tequila. The first one to call it quits or passes out is the loser."

Elizabeth interjected here. "Are you trying to kill yourselves? Do you want alcohol poisoning? I saw Caroline flip her hair five times today- within the span of ten minutes."

Charlotte and Richard ignored Elizabeth's comment, instead focusing on each other. "Bring it, Fitzwilliam."

Richard pressed play.

Darcy got his phone out.

One hour later Richard was close to passing out. Shot glasses and red solo cups littered the table. "Dear God, woman! Do you have a liver of stone? Why are you not drunk?" Richard was slurring his words while pointing an accusing finger at Charlotte.

On the other hand, Charlotte was sitting up straight and daintily dabbing at her lips with a napkin. "It's not my fault you're a lightweight."

Richard placed his hand over his heart as if he was wounded. "How dare you, wench! I shall have to defend my honor. I challenge you to a duel. Or…" Richard leaned forward across the table and puckered his lips, "a kiss shall suffice."

"Okay, Richard," Darcy pushed Richard back in his chair, "I think it's time to admit defeat. After you challenge somebody to a duel you usually get all moody."

Richard burst into tears. "I don't know- hiccup- what you're talking about!"

"Richard, I really think-"

"I knew you were trouble since you walked in! So we are never ever ever getting back together."

Darcy threw his hands together as if he was praying. "Not the Taylor Swift phase. Anything but the Taylor Swift-"

"There's rain on my guitar!"

Darcy shook his head and started lifting Richard up from his chair, saying in a sarcastic voice that even Elizabeth could appreciate, "I would hate to see something happen to you. You're like a cousin to me."

Richard stopped sobbing and wiped his nose. "That's so nice of you to say."

Elizabeth laughed and offered to help get Richard to his room as Darcy was having difficulty supporting him. Darcy grabbed a bottle of water and together they carried the drunken man upstairs and deposited him on his bed. Darcy took Richard's shoes off and pulled the blanket up. Elizabeth, who was standing near the door, heard Richard whisper to Darcy, "You always take care of me, Will. Thanks for being human."

Darcy smiled at his cousin. "I think you mean a humanitarian. And you shouldn't thank me just yet."

After she closed the door, Elizabeth questioned Darcy. "Why shouldn't he thank you?"

The man next to her, the one she thought was as uptight as they get, held up his phone and mimicked Charlotte's voice. "This is so going on YouTube."

Richard Fitzwilliam had had a lot of weird experiences. One morning his junior year of college he woke up naked in the middle of a soccer field covered in gummy bears and leaves (those athletes were pissed). Yet that night had seemed like a cakewalk compared to this morning.

This morning was going to be his first (please God his last) kiss with Caroline Bingley.

He peaked around the corner into the living room and spied the devil sitting on a couch, filing her nails with a look of complete boredom on her snobby face. In one last attempt to delay the horrible, Richard turned to Charlotte and quietly got down on his knees, clasping his hands together in a begging gesture.

"Please, oh mighty one, I pray for mercy. Please don't make me! I'll do anything-"

Charlotte rolled her eyes and pulled Richard up. "Don't be such a drama queen. Just go in there, kiss her, and run." Darcy and Elizabeth stood solemnly nearby, curious as to how this was going to pan out.

Richard nodded and groaned before heading towards his doom. His stomach was churning, his mouth was dry, and the throbbing in his head told him that there would be no more binge drinking in his future. Yet, those things seemed nothing in comparison to what he was about to do. He stood behind Caroline, and swallowing his fear, tapped her on the shoulder. Caroline turned around in surprise, and before she could react, Richard kissed her. Caroline gasped and began shouting, and in response Richard ran across the room. Before he could make it halfway, Richard grabbed his stomach and heaved yesterday's dinner all over the floor. Caroline squealed and backed up in disgust, quickly forgetting about her anger.

Mrs. Reynolds, hearing the commotion, ran into the room. "Oh dear. Richard, sweetheart, are you sick?"

Richard shook his head. "No, I just kissed Caroline."

The older lady glanced at Caroline and nodded as if she understood. "And that made you throw up?"

Caroline's face turned red and she flipped her hair. "How dare you say that? My kissing skills are totes amazing!" After this declaration Caroline planted her lips on Richard's, and when he could finally come up for air, grinned as if she had proved her point. On the other hand, Richard was sobbing again.

"Why isn't anybody stopping her? I'm going to be sick again!"

Charlotte, instead of being concerned about her crush's health, was laughing her ass off. "Why is everything he does turn out perfect?"

Darcy was the one who had to interfere. "Come on, Richard. Go sleep off the hangover. Mrs. Reynolds, don't worry about cleaning up; I'll do it later. Elizabeth, will you grab some more water and aspirin?"

Lizzie nodded and followed them up the stairs. Once again, Darcy assisted his cousin and Richard thanked him. Darcy left to clean up, and Elizabeth was alone with Richard. While she was closing the curtains, Richard used the opportunity to help out his cousin. "This is what I was talking about when I said Will is a great guy."

Elizabeth turned around. "And I believe you now. I have a feeling he wouldn't clean up anyone's vomit."

Richard turned green. "Let's not talk about that. Thinking about Caroline violating my mouth makes me want to do it again."

"You want her to violate your mouth again?"

"No, it makes me want to vomit again."

"You brought this on yourself. You should've never made a bet with Charlotte. But I don't blame you. She's hustled many people back in the day."

Richard nodded in acceptance then looked up at Elizabeth thoughtfully. "Do you think it made her jealous?"

Elizabeth shook her head in exasperation. Men. "Go to sleep, Richard."

"Fine! Bye, Lizzie."

"Bye, Richard."