The Divine Comedy
Chapter 10
Margaritaville

"No! No! You can't make me! Have mercy!"

"Calm down, you big baby," Paine said as she, Yuna, and Jennifer dragged Andrea to Rikku's airship. They were off to Luca to find Andrea a wedding dress. And of course, Andrea didn't like the idea, so she was fighting with all her might.

"Odd…" Jennifer thought to herself. "You'd think a woman able to take out an army of half-fiends by herself would be able to fight off three women…one of them expecting."

"I'm not pregnant, dammit!" Paine exclaimed.

"That's what they all say…"

"I know where you live, Jen-Jen," She said threateningly.

"Eep," Needless to say she was far from being afraid

Suffice to say that Jennifer was quiet until they got Andrea aboard the airship. By then, she had calmed down enough to strap herself in and prepare for take off. But before they did, they saw Rikku talking to a dirty mirror…I mean Jennifer. They were arguing about something, but no one could hear what. Eventually, Jennifer handed Rikku a small bottle and Rikku handed a small bag of Gil to Jennifer. Jen left the airship and Rikku took off.

"What was that about?" Yuna asked.

"Uh…Jen had some good fuel booster she wanted to sell me. We were haggling over the price. What did you think?"

"I think you were plotting something," Andrea said.

"Uh…well…um…beautiful weather we're having, huh?"

They were silent for the rest of the trip to Luca.

(II)

"Where are we going, pray tell?" Dennis asked the men dragging him towards Gippal's airship.

"I said I had some robes you could borrow," Baralai said. "We're going to see if they fit."

"Wouldn't it be easier to bring them here?"

"They might not fit," Gippal said. "And if they don't, we'd still have to go to Luca to get you fitted."

"Oh…but how come every man on the island is coming along?"

Gippal looked to Baralai who looked to Tidus who looked to Wakka who looked to Nooj who then looked to Cid. "No reason," they all said.

Before boarding the airship, they saw a small boat come into port. A man in black stepped off, a hat low over his eyes. In one hand, he carried a long trunk, and in the other a holy text of Yevon. 'Guess that's the priest,' Dennis thought. The man continued on to the village without a word.

When they finally got onboard, Gippal walked outside and talked with a mysterious woman. She boarded the airship as well, and they took off. It was quiet for the rest of the trip. With the exception of an occasional snicker and chuckle.

(III)

"Let's see…" Noct said. "It's three days before the New Moon and from the looks of it the wedding's going to be tomorrow. We can't have that, now can we?"

What made him especially giddy was that he had walked past Baralai, Dennis, and the others and they didn't even recognize him. It was perfect. And all he had to do was steal that old man's duds. He had everything planned. The wedding would have to be…set back, but it had to look like something else did it. 'That's what that stop at the Luca blitz dome was for,' Noct thought as he was guided to his tent, the people believing that he was the priest.

He opened the trunk and inside were three things other than the old man's belongings: Tetsusaiga, Masamune, and the arm of a half-fiend. It was all too perfect: set the wedding back until the New Moon, then, that night, the fun begins. He already knew the procedure for a wedding by heart thanks to the priest. He'd have to visit the Farplane and thank the old man.

"Phoeny, Phoeny, Phoeny," he thought as he shook his head. "A millennia hasn't taught you a damn thing, has it? Tisk, tisk. Maybe you'll finally learn to listen to me after I play a game of Risk with your life…so to speak."

(IV)

"Do I really have to wear a dress? I mean, it is my wedding after all." Andrea whined. As far as she was concerned what she wore right now was fine. Of course the clothes she wore now were so big they could second as a tent, but who was paying attention?

"Oh come on, Dennis would love it. You want to look nice for him, don't you? How about this one?" Yuna asked her, as she held up a flowing white dress.

"Huh?" Andrea asked, looking half asleep and flinching when she got a good look at it. "Yeah…sure…beautiful…" she was being as sarcastic as she could without being offensive.

Yuna let her arms drop. That was about the third time she had said that. "Something's bothering you," she said. "What is it?"

"I…don't know. I just feel like something's going to happen." It was a gut deep feeling that made her head hurt.

"Duh…" Rikku said. "You're gonna get married, silly."

"No…not that. I had a dream and I can't quite understand it. It's like… everything's dark. I can only hear what's going on. I hear…shouting…someone crying…and…a howl. Something bad is going to happen at the wedding."

"Nothing's gonna happen," Rikku said. "Everything's gonna be fine. No one would dare attack your wedding, knowing that the Phoenix will be there."

"…Maybe you're right. Yeah, you are right. Nothing bad is gonna happen." She smiled for once.

"That's the spirit!" Yuna said. "Now how does this dress look?"

"It looks…white. And clean." She flinched again.

"That's not what I meant and you know it!"

"I know, I know," Andrea said, chuckling. It was so easy to get Yuna steamed.

"Rikku," Paine whispered. "Let's leave these two alone. You and me still have to pick out bridesmaid dresses."

"You? In a dress? Again? I'd pay 1000 Gil to see that."

"Minus four respect points, Rikku."

"Aw; what am I down to now?"

"More than your boyfriend, less than Gippal."

"That's low, isn't it?" Rikku thought for a minute before asking, "How come Jamie doesn't have that many respect points?"

"I just met him. He hasn't earned my respect yet."

They walked over to the other side of the store and started browsing. Paine wanted to get something in black, but Rikku wouldn't let her. Although Paine kept saying that white clashes with her hair. Rikku smiled and walked over to a mirror, holding a dress up to her body. Surprisingly enough, the dress wasn't all that revealing, considering what she usually wore. Thief, Berserker, Gunner, the list goes on.

But her smile faded as she looked in the mirror. She imagined Jamie next to her, holding her hand. The Al Bhed shrugged. Everyone else was married: Yuna and Tidus, Paine and Baralai, Lulu and Wakka, and even LeBlanc and Nooj. Now Andrea was getting married. Everyone around her was finding happiness, but she was left with nothing.

"Jamie…" she said softly.

"You'll find each other eventually," Paine said. Rikku turned around and saw Paine smiling. A rare sight. "You won't be left out for long."

"I hope you're right, Painey." Rikku sighed and turned back to the mirror. Paine was right. She'd be with Jamie again by the end of all of this. Andrea said so after all. She looked at Paine in the mirror and saw that she was scowling again.

"What?"

"Minus two respect points for that 'Painey' thing."

"Oh, come on!"

They eventually got out of there with four dresses. It cost a king's ransom, but it was going to be worth it. Andrea was a little bit nervous about getting married. But she couldn't quite tell what was more unsettling: the fact that she was getting married at all, or that she was going to wear a dress in public. Either way she was willing to go through with it. It was time for her to have some definite structure in her life and this was a damn good start. On their way back to Rikku's airship, Andrea could have sworn she saw Nooj walking into one of the stores. Actually, it looked like a bar. But it might not have been Nooj. No…just think of the number of people in Spira with Machina legs, crazy hairstyles, and a cane. Yeah…that really narrows it down. Narrow as the fucking Grand Canyon.

(V)

"Where are we going?" Dennis asked as he walked along with a blindfold on. He sounded somewhat…concerned? "Because unless Baralai's closet is a top secret government facility, I don't see the point in the blindfold. Am I going to have to have a retina scan or something?"

"Let's just say," Gippal chuckled, "that…damn. Baralai, how do you explain something like this?"

"I don't know. I'm still reeling from when this happened to me."

"What happened?" Dennis asked. "Last time you walked into your closet?"

"I wish this was my closet."

"Huh?" Dennis was about as confused as could be. But everything made sense when the blindfold was removed. He was in a bar, and everyone was smiling and shouting and looking at him.

"It's your bachelor party, buddy," Gippal said, slapping Dennis on the back.

"We all had one before we were married," Baralai said. "Even old hard-assed Nooj had one."

"And I still want to kill you." Nooj said flatly.

"It's gonna be fun, ya?" Wakka said. "Your last night to really be a man."

"And you can get away with the hangover," Tidus said.

"Come on, pal!" Gippal shouted, pushing an open beer into Dennis' hands. "Join the fun!"

"Oh, dear God," Dennis said, whimpering.

(VI)

'All that's left now is to wait.' Noct sat in his tent, looking like he was meditating. That was his excuse for privacy, after all.

'Remember: you promised Rikku wouldn't get hurt. She gets hurt and I castrate you with the Wind Scar.'

'Sounds like a good time. Bring it on.'

'You know, if Dias were awake, I'd have him help me punch you in the balls.'

'I love you, too.'

'Just make sure she doesn't get hurt.'

'Honestly, I don't get what you see in the little slut.' Next thing Noct knew, he had slapped himself across the face. 'What the hell was that?'

'Take it back.'

'Take back calling your girlfriend a slutty-ass whore?'

'I'll kill you! Take it back now or I kill you!'

'You know what the problem with that is? Kill me, you kill yourself. And you never see your little…harlot again.'

'Just promise me that Rikku doesn't get hurt, and that when all of this is over, you get out of my head.'

Deal. Whatever you want. My quarrel isn't with you. It's with…'
'I'm so proud of you, Noct. You learned what quarrel means!'

'Where the hell'd you come from?'

'And you're back to using monosyllabic profanity.'

'Monosyllibical-what?'

'I rest my case.'

'Could you both shut up for a while? I'd like to keep what sanity I have left.' And they were all silent for the rest of the night.

(VII)

"87 bottles of beer on the wall! 87 bottles of beer! Take one down; pass it around…what the bleedin' hell comes after 87?" Gippal asked. He was actually singing pretty well in his inebriated state.

"86," Nooj muttered in a slurred voice. "And I think you've had enough."

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey," Gippal grumbled "I can't drink tonight. I'm drivin'."

"Just stop singing…ugh…that stupid song," Baralai said, slightly drunk himself.

"Oh, come on, Barry," Tidus said from the barstool next to the praetor. "It's a hic classhic."

"Ah!" Gippal said, grinning. "At least some people have taste in tunes. Unlike that crap you listen to, Barry."

"Ya know?" Wakka said, staggering up to the blitz champ and the praetor, slinging an arm around each. "I haven't had this much fun since Yuna beat Sin. That was some good times, ya?"

"You didn't drink at your bachelor party?" Tidus asked.

"Lu wanted me sober for the wedding. And trust me; you don't argue wid a lady that can freeze yer undies while you're still wearin'em."

"I hear that," Cid said, raising his glass. "Rikku's mom was a black mage. She'd do stuff like that to keep me in line. O'course she preferred to set mine on fire."

All of them were silent for a while. Not many of them had anything to say, and most of it wouldn't have made sense anyways. Drunks can't keep a train of thought worth shit. Dennis eventually walked up to the bar and sat down next to Nooj. The Meyvn looked over at the White Mage and noticed that he had barely touched his beer. There was something wrong with this.

"Why aren't you havin' a good time, Dennis?" Nooj asked the Groom-to-be

"Well, it's against my morals and codes as a White Mage to drink. Even though it's my bachelor party, I…just can't."

"Hey, hey, hey," Tidus slurred. "Yuna's been known to drink from time to time."

"What?" Dennis said, horrified. "But, she's…she's the High Summoner!"

"So?" The blitz star asked. "She knows when to loosen up. And consider this: Barry's the praetor and he's drinkin'. Noojie's the leader of the Youth League and he's drinkin'. Gippal…I forget what he does, but he's still drinkin'. I'm a blitzball superstar, and I'm drinkin'. Wakka's married to a psycho Black Mage and in danger of having his boxers combust, and he's drinkin'. And Cid, well…he's bald, and he's drinkin'." All of the men there nodded as if they understood the drunken idiot's ramblings. "You, Denny, are getting married…to a bird, and you're not drinkin. There's something wrong with that picture."

"Maybe that's better," Gippal said, grinning. "It's be better if he's sober for this next part. Roll it out boys!"

Three men came out of a room at the back of the bar pushing a cart loaded down with the biggest cake Dennis had ever seen in his life. It was at least five feet wide at the base, had about seven layers, and was beautifully decorated. Every man in that bar, except Dennis, had the biggest grins on their faces. They knew what was to come. They had all had bachelor parties before. And if you, yes you, the boob reading this, have any brains at all, you know what's about to happen.

"Is…are we going to eat all of this?" Dennis asked, trying to figure out how seven men were going to eat a cake this big.

"Well," Tidus said, throwing an arm around the White Mage, "I don't know about the rest, but the filling's for you."

"A little gift from Rikku," Gippal said with a sly grin on his face. "But first, a toast." All of them lifted their glasses and/or bottles, some of them raising two bottles. Tidus, you're drunk enough. You don't need to down two mugs at once. And after a little prodding from Baralai and Nooj, Dennis lifted his lightly sipped on bottle as well.

"To Denny and Andrea!" Gippal shouted. "Marriage is a big responsibility. You have to dedicate yourself to one woman for the rest of your days. And you…"

"Hurry it up, Gippal!" Tidus shouted. "My arms are getting tired and I'm thirsty."

"Well you shouldn't have raised two mugs, you 'ithering blidiot'," Cid said, tossing and empty beer bottle at the young blitz star.

"Like I was saying," Gippal growled, "You and Andrea are gonna be together forever. Let's hope you picked the right one."

"Cheers!"

They all downed their drinks, except Tidus who passed out, spilling half of his beer over his clothes. Even Dennis drank a little more of his beer. That's it, Denny! Drink up! If you leave a bachelor party sober, you either have a woman at home ready to set fire to your undies, or you're a lightweight what can't hold his liquor. Guess which one Dennis is?

"Now, since you'll be dedicated to Andrea for the rest of your life," Gippal said, throwing an arm around Dennis, "you might as well enjoy your last night as a free man; which is why we present to you a token of our esteem."

Dennis was about to ask what he was talking about when the top of the cake flew off. Out came a woman with a dark tan, long, dark purple hair and… My God. Clothes that would make Rikku look modest. She was wearing a skimpy, light purple top and a matching purple thong. She leaned on the edge of the cake and looked right at Dennis, an underlying lust in her eyes.

"Wha…huh…Jennifer?" Dennis stuttered as Gippal and Cid shoved him down into a chair.

Jennifer climbed out of the cake and walked over to Dennis, swaying her hips with every step. When she reached him, she bent over, giving Dennis a clear view of her ample cleavage, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. She pulled him close and whispered something in his ear.

"Rikku says this is revenge for that two weeks-14 days thing. Sorry, Denny, but I'm being well paid for this."

She then pulled herself forward and straddled his legs. Pulling him even closer than before. All the other men were whooping and hollering and cheering Dennis on. Wakka not so much, seeing as how he was trying to cheer and keep Tidus propped up in a chair at the same time. Jennifer put her arms around Dennis' neck and pulled her face within and inch of his.

"So, White Mage," she said. "You like what you see?" Before he could answer, she whispered, "You must like it, because I don't think that's your wand poking into my leg."

(VIII)

During the trip back to Besaid, Andrea felt something tingling. And no, it's not her Spider-Sense. She just got the strangest feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew it involved Dennis and the man she…'thought' was Nooj going into that bar.

"I sense a great disturbance in the Schwartz," she said as she looked out the window.

Rikku turned around and gave Andrea a weird look. "Listen, as much as you want this thing to go faster, I'm afraid I haven't installed the Ludicrous Speed warp drive…yet."

Andrea snapped to attention and looked at Rikku, a look of surprise in her eyes. "How do you know about that movie?"

"It's, like, my favorite movie of all time! Other than Dances with Lupines. But that's only because I think Covin Kestner is hot."

'Dances with Lupines?' Andrea just shook her head and asked, "You like Spaceballs?"

"Andrea…it's called Spacespheres, duh…"

'And I thought I had this world figured out,' Andrea thought. Whether she had this place figured or not wasn't so much the issue anymore. She was still unable to shake that feeling of impending doom. That and the Schwartz. Something just wasn't right. She continued to look out the window, shrugging as she tried to forget it for a while.

Author's Notes: FDB- Did you know that one of the actual actors in Dances with Wolves is named Nathan Lee Chasing His Horse? I like Indian names. And I'm not talking about the Dots-not-Feathers Indians. Actual Pigeon Forge Indians. The ones that sell you quality Indian Artifacts made in China.

SDB-Mmmm, China. I like egg rolls. Lord only knows what's going to happen next chapter, and let's pray Andrea never finds out about Rikku's vengeance. She would kill the Al Bhed, bring her back to life, and then kill her again. She could do that you know. So there!