Chapter 9: You Can't Spell 'STUD' Without 'STD'
"Something wrong, mon ami?" Gambit asked, not even bothering to look up from his card game.
"Rogue's my assistant, not yours," Logan said, practically growling as he stood looking down on him.
"Then you shouldn't have sent her to my class as a spy. She knows what the class is supposed to teach, Logan."
"She might, but I'm not so sure that you do."
"Aww, after all this time," Gambit said, lifting his head to smirk at him. "Any one would think you didn't trust me."
"I trust you to watch my back—mostly—I don't trust you when it comes to sex and impressionable young women," Logan replied, pointing his finger at him.
"Evidently. Which does make me wonder why you've sent Rogue to spy on my sex ed class. Wouldn't she be an 'impressionable young woman'?" Gambit teased him.
"Rogue has a good head on her shoulders."
"But if you're worried about me teaching...advanced stuff, aren't you concerned she might get interested?" Gambit said suggestively (or as suggestively as he could with his high-pitched voice).
"If she does, she'll wait for Bobby," Logan replied confidently. "She won't cheat on her boyfriend, especially when he's in a coma she put him in."
"Hmm, you're probably right at that. Rogue does strike me as the noble type," Gambit considered with a nod.
"I'm surprised you even know what that word means," Logan drawled, sitting down at a free chair.
"Still," Gambit said, looking back at his card game. "What about after?"
"After what?" Logan asked with a blink and a slight frown on his face.
"After Bobby wakes from his coma," Gambit said, giving Logan a sly smile.
"Rogue's not the cheating kind."
"We've established that."
"What are you getting at, Squeaky?"
"I'm just... curious to know how long their relationship is going to last after he wakes up, that's all. And if they do break up, are you going to still be worried about me and your precious Rogue?" Gambit smirked and cocked an eyebrow at him. "Or were you planning on moving in on her yourself?"
"Hardly," Logan dismissed. "And what makes you so sure they're going to break up? They've been together over two years now and most of that Rogue's powers were active. I'd say that says a lot about their longevity."
"Oui, that does improve the odds," Gambit conceded. "All I'm going to say is that six years is a long time when you're already a teenager to begin with."
There was giggling when Rogue arrived at Gambit's class the next week. Gambit was perched on the edge of the desk, springing a deck of cards from one hand to the other and he grinned at Rogue while he watched her read the name of the day's lesson on the black board.
"'We Were Born Naked, Wet and Hungry: Then Things Got Worse'," Rogue said aloud.
"Oui," Gambit replied cheekily. "Today we're discussing puberty."
"Well, you would be the authority on that, wouldn't you?"
"That's what I thought."
Rogue snickered and took her seat.
"Okay," Gambit said to the class. "Today's lesson does not have a funny title, because today's lesson isn't even the slightest bit funny: 'Predator and Prey'. Contrary to popular opinion, it's actually the people you know you have to be wary of. When you think about it, that's pretty sad. So today we shall be discussing peer pressure and sexual abuse."
"Today we're going to talk about the Good Stuff. That is, we're finally going to cover how you actually have sex," Gambit said. "First a demonstration, if Rogue wouldn't mind getting on the desk—"
"Excuse me? I don't think so," Rogue objected.
"Darn," Gambit joked, snapping his fingers. "There goes my plan for a Monty Python: The Meaning of Life take off. Oh well, it doesn't really work unless you can pull the bed out of the wall anyway. Right, to start with, you have foreplay. Now guys, I know it can be tempting to skip the foreplay, but it's easier to get inside and less painful for the girl if she's all... wet."
Rogue sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. She sensed this was going to be a long class.
Rogue raised her eyebrows as she walked into the classroom. Gambit was quite happily standing on the desk (which he had pushed against the wall) and writing on the blackboard. When he moved out of the way, Rogue could see the name of the day's lesson: "You Can't Spell 'STUD' Without 'STD'." Rogue snickered as she took her seat.
"You approve?" Gambit asked, grinning at her.
"Very clever," Rogue drawled.
"I'd like to take credit for it, but I stole it from somewhere. I forget where."
"So, I'm guessing we're talking about STDs today?"
"Actually we're talking about a stud. Namely, me," Gambit said, striking a pose briefly, then grinning brightly at Rogue. "Only kidding."
"Uh huh, yeah suuuuuure."
Partway through the class, Risque piped up with a silly question:
"Gambit, can vampires get HIV?"
As she expected, the class laughed.
"Can vampires get HIV?" Gambit considered. "Possibly, but given that vampires are undead or demons depending on who you talk to, I'm guessing the answer is largely redundant."
"But if they could then they might be able to pass it on if you have sex with them right?"
"Well, the key words in that question are 'if you have sex'," Gambit replied. "See the problem here is that male vampires can't get erections. They have no blood and you need blood to get an erection. So maybe they might get one after a big feed, but otherwise no. Unless of course, their idea of having a fun time in the bedroom involves feeding off their human partner. I don't know. Kinky. And if it was a female you'd need a lot of lube."
"You're putting way too much thought into this," Rogue said.
"No, I'm not," Gambit correctly cheerfully. "An ex-girlfriend of mine put way too much thought into it. Big vampire fan. Always went into a huge rant about it when vampires had sex in books and movies. Anyway, we seem to be shifting off topic here—you have a question?"
"How many girlfriends have you had?" asked James.
"How old are you?"
"Twelve."
"More than twelve."
Rogue snickered in response to the various 'wow's and giggling that followed.
"How much more?" Artie pressed.
"A lot more and that's the only answer you're going to get out of me," Gambit replied with a tolerant smile. "Enough that the fact that the fact that I have neither contracted an STD nor fathered a child is fairly impressive."
"Actually," Rogue piped up. "Only the STD one is impressive. The child one, not so much. You might be impotent."
"What does that mean?" asked Jimmy.
"Sterile," Gambit explained with a unimpressed look on his face directly aimed at Rogue's smug look. "Unable to have kids. Unable to get or sustain an erection, in the case of guys. I'm not impotent. I'm careful."
"How do you know you're not if you've never had kids?" Rogue teased.
"Are you offering to help me find out, chère?" Gambit asked with a leer.
"Uhh no."
"And that, mes amis is what we call 'propositioning'—when you suggest or offer sex. Propositioning is not done in polite company—trust me, if Logan catches any of you trying it on anyone you will be shish-kabob, and so will I probably," Gambit said with a grin. "If Rogue had answered 'yes' then she would have been doing one of three things. Cheating on her boyfriend, teasing me—neither of which is cool—or calling my bluff. Now, where we were? Oh yeah, STDs."
"You know something Remy?" Rogue considered as she looked at him.
"I know a few things. Which thing in particular are you referring to?" Gambit asked.
"I think you've gotten taller."
"Well, I hope so. I hate being short,' he replied, then leaned into her and added mischievously: "Except when I'm hugging Emma or Storm."
"I can't believe they still let you do that," Rogue said, rolling her eyes and pushing Gambit gently away.
"Only when I can take them by surprise."
"Uh huh."
"I wonder if I could get away with hugging Kitty and Jubilee?" Gambit mused, rubbing his chin.
"I somehow doubt that they would tolerate your antics."
"If you were taller..." Gambit went on as if Rogue hadn't said anything. "And if you had your big boobs back—"
"You are such a perv."
"Speaking of which, you don't appear to have made much significant development in that area yet, chère."
"You've been looking?"
"It's a little hard not to. They do poke out, or they used to. Maybe you should start using a padded bra."
"Oh well, thanks for the advice Remy," Rogue said cynically. "Did you want to come with me next time I go shopping for bras?"
"Aww chère, don't make offers like that to me unless you really mean them. I'll probably say 'yes' and then what would you boyfriend think?"
"He'll probably wonder why you have the socks shoved down your pants."
"Is Bobby bisexual then?"
"Well, it'll be a little hard not to notice when the socks have been shoved down the back of your pants, rather than the front."
Gambit laughed.
"We're all here? Bon," Gambit said as the door to his classroom closed the following week. "Today's lesson is called: Life is a Sexually Transmitted Disease."
He gestured to where he had written those exact words on the blackboard and his eyes twinkled with mischief as the class giggled.
"Oh and by the way; congratulations on becoming parents. Rogue, if you wouldn't mind handing out the dolls—erm I mean, delivering the newborns to their loving parents."
There were a variety of groans as Rogue went around with the box of dolls and began handing the out. Gambit gave instructions on how they operated.
"You will be taking them around with you for the next week, everywhere you go. The dining hall, the rec room, classes. All your teachers know what's happening so they'll be lenient on you in case you have to take care of your dear baby in the middle of class—you have a question Jimmy?"
"Yeah, umm, by 'every class' does that include the danger room with Logan?"
"Oh yes," Gambit replied, his eyes bright with glee.
The first noise to asail Logan's ears was the noise of three of those dolls crying at the same time. He growled, seeing every student in this danger room session arms with noisy, plastic dolls.
"Rogue? What's going on here?" Logan demanded.
"Umm, class?" Rogue offered, scratching her head.
"Why do they have dolls?"
"They aren't dolls," Rogue said with mock-seriousness. "They're babies and they require constant supervision."
"You don't take babies into battle."
"No, you organise a baby sitter."
"Rogue—"
"No. Absolutely not. One is quite enough without having to deal with a whole class' worth of the little brats. You know, Logan, Remy did send out notice on this two weeks ago. It's not like you didn't have a chance to prepare."
"I don't read memos."
"Maybe you should start. Look," Rogue said with a slight smile, taking pity on him. "In the past, Scott just split the class in two: one half baby sits, while the other half battles and then they swap. And on the last day he got creative and involved the babies in the sim."
"...He did?"
"Yeah, I'll have to look up the program again, but it was a sim of the mansion, and about ten or so minutes into it an invading force would attack. It was treated as a defensive exercise to keep the children safe."
Logan grunted.
"Fine," he said finally. "Find me that program so I can look at it. For today, we'll split the class. You take the baby sitting half into the viewing room."
"Sir, yes sir."
"Good attitude. Keep it up."
"You wanted to see me?" Rogue asked as she opened the door to Storm's office.
"Oh, yes, please sit down," Storm replied, gesturing to a chair.
"I hope I'm not interrupting."
"No, no. I know your schedule is just as busy as mine these days, which was part of what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Sure," Rogue replied as she sat down.
"Okay, first of all I was thinking we might want to start including some of the other X-men in your younger PE classes. Maybe by the time they're older they'll actually respect your contemporaries a bit more, and we can get them teaching other classes as well."
"That might be nice. I've been kind of dreading the idea of trying to teach and learn how to control my own powers when they manifest again."
"I'm sure you are, although hopefully by then we'll have taken a lot more of the load off you. I'll certainly try to make sure of that."
"Thanks."
"The other thing I wanted to discuss with you is the sex ed class."
"Okay," Rogue replied, looking at Storm apprehensively.
"I know that Remy's gotten you to act as an intermediary for the girls out of class?"
"Uh huh."
"Are you okay with that?"
"I, well, I was kind of surprised, I guess. I'm not really sure I'm right person," Rogue admitted. "But I know Kitty and Jubes never get asked anything, and well, I never got asked anything before Remy's class either."
"Do you get asked anything very often?" Storm asked curiously.
"I've had exactly three girls in the class ask me things so far."
"Oh?"
"One just wanted clarification of something we'd talked about in class. Another, well, her period had just started that day and she wasn't really sure, y'know, where to find pads and stuff."
"Hmm, I thought all the girls knew where we kept those."
"Well, I'm sure if she didn't ask me one of her friends could have shown her—"
"Probably, but I think we should have a chat with some of the other younger girls and make sure they know," Storm gave Rogue a smile: "Don't worry, I'll get Kitty or Jubilee to do that. What was the other thing you got asked?"
"Umm, well..." Rogue looked embarrassed. "She asked what snowballing was."
"Oh dear goddess," Storm exclaimed, her eyes widening in shock. "Where on earth did she pick that up from?"
"Some movie. She said she was just passing by and overheard part of it," Rogue said with a shrug. "Whether that was really the case or if she and her friends were actually watching it, I don't know."
"What did you tell her?"
"I panicked and told her I didn't know what it was. I said I'd ask Remy and she got all embarrassed and told me not to worry. I felt a little bad about putting her off, I mean I know we want them informed but that seemed a little... too informed, you know? I did tell Remy about it though."
"You brave girl," Storm said. She could just imagine how that conversation would have gone.
"And the next class he told them what it was—"
"He what?"
"And explained that any kind of swapping body fluids like that put them at risk of contracting STDs," Rogue said. "Heck, we had just had the STD class a week before and I didn't even think of that when I was asked. This is what the course is about, right? Educating them on protecting themselves?"
Storm pursed her lips, sighed and nodded.
"Yes, that's point of the course," Storm conceded. "That doesn't mean I have to like that kind of thing being discussed. Just how is Remy doing anyway?"
"The guy doesn't even bat an eye, no matter what questions are thrown at him," Rogue said, shaking her head. "For the actual classes he sticks to the course material, it's usually just when they start asking about specific things—like that—that things get a bit... y'know. I guess it's a bit of a fine line between what's enough information and what's too much. A couple of times he's flat out said he's not going to answer something and to ask him again when they're eighteen. Otherwise, I think they're starting to get braver with their questions. Oh and he's really good with the ones where everyone else kind of laughs at whoever's asking the question. He just ignores the laughter and answers them seriously, even if the question was something... well, I'm going to say something really silly, but obviously the question wasn't silly to them because they didn't understand. I know sometimes when the class is over he has a good laugh about some of the things that went on. Really, Storm, I think you did good in asking him to take it on. I could just imagine if Logan was taking the class. No one would be brave enough to ask anything, and if they were, I can just picture the look on Logan's face."
Storm smiled.
"Well, that's a relief," she said. "I didn't think that Remy would go too far, but he has been known to surprise me."
AN: A friend of mine and I were having a discussion about things we think about too much, during which my vampire-loving friend shared with me her spiel about vampire's and the sex lives. I thought it was hilarious and she let me use it :D
If you don't know what snowballing is... do yourself a favour and don't look it up. It's pretty gross. In fact I wish I didn't know what it was.