A/N: Many, many thanks to thnks4fish (the artist formerly known as Mac214) and WriteonTime123 for betaing and putting up with the crazy. We love them madly. This is the final chapter of Reaper.
Chapter Ten: La Petite Mort*
Even I had to admit it was a strange assortment of couples around the dinner table. I looked at our motley crew fondly, wondering if anyone would be offended if I suggested we recreate the poses from The Last Supper.
I was desperate for a distraction. My stomach knotted uncomfortably, my guts roiling like snakes. Even though I was with the people I loved, I was nervous about my announcement. And when my nerves flared, I tended to get inappropriate erections. It was really quite inconvenient. Eddie Monster didn't like being cooped up in the cotton insane asylum in my pants, bound and determined to break through my zipper to see what was going on.
I tried to talk to him down. Easy there, big guy. Don't get all excited, I begged. Nothing to see here.
I thought about reminding him of Shirley, the eunuch, but decided that would just be cruel. Instead, I looked around at my family. Shirley . . . er, I meant, surely a display of their perverse predilections would deflate my enthusiasm.
I watched Jasper's hand creep stealthily over Alice's shoulder, inching its way closer to her boobs. Meanwhile, Mother stared adoringly at father's urn, shamelessly fondling his handle. Emmett and Aro, oblivious to us all, played footsies under the table where Bella's father lapped up soup from his brand new bowl.
I really hoped the tablecloth kept him from getting a good view of my lower half because he might just confuse my boner with a bone and go after it, which would be worse than the time I'd accidentally called out 'motherfucker' when Bella and I had been fooling around in his house and he'd slunk through the doggie door, narrowly missing witnessing us engaging in coitus. As we'd grappled for our clothes and he covered his eyes with his paws, I'd been sure he wanted to neuter me.
Grandma Swan (the real one) knelt down to pat Charlie's head before taking her place at the head of the table. She sat stoically, politely pretending this was all a perfectly normal Christmas dinner.
Despite the fact she moved like a narcoleptic ninja, I managed to catch her spiking her glass of punch with Christmas cheer when she thought no one was looking. Furtively, she holstered her flask to her thigh, smoothing down her skirt. It was clear where Bella got her fiestiness.
Aro provided background accompaniment to the clink of plates and utensils by quietly moaning and humming while the rest of us ate contentedly.
The lights from the Christmas tree in the adjacent living room blinked merrily, highlighting the cheery decorative coffins adorning its branches and reflecting off the glass dinnerware; the table itself was spread with a sumptuous feast, including the traditional Cullen cremated turducken.
It was a really nice scene to behold; Bella's family fit with mine seamlessly; we were Cheech to their Chong.
Eat your heart out, Norman Rockwell.
"Emmett," Bella snapped suddenly. "The dinner table is no place for Fellatio."
"He's going back to the zoo tomorrow, I swear! But he was so lonely all on his own," Emmett protested.
"What about Cunnilingus?" she accused. "Why is Fellatio acceptable at the table, but not Cunnilingus?"
"She's too messy," he complained, bringing Fellatio up to his shoulders to keep his fingers out of the jello. "She likes to throw poop."
"You know," Grandma Swan said dryly, "In my day, Cunnilingus was restricted to the bedroom . . . and there was certainly no poop involved."
"Wow, Grandma Swan, you had a monkey, too?" Emmett enthused.
"Is that what you kids are calling it these days? I've heard of spanking the monkey but never having one."
"Oh, we don't believe in spanking our monkeys," Aro interjected. "Cruelty to animals is frowned upon at the zoo."
This seemed as good a time as any to interrupt. I cleared my throat loudly and stood, clinking my glass with my spoon. "Could I get everyone's attention, please? Bella and I have an announcement to make." I paused for dramatic effect, and Fellatio took the opportunity to climb up on my back. "Go down, Fellatio."
"That's what she said," Emmett guffawed.
"Get this effin' monkey off my back!" I yelled at Emmett. He held out his arms, and Fellatio jumped into them happily.
At the sound of my voice, Charlie put his front paws . . . er, hands on the table next to Bella, and she reached over to scratch behind his ears affectionately as he listened.
All eyes focused on Bella and me. Well, actually, Grandma Swan's eyes were a little unfocused. In fact, she looked downright bleary-eyed. We'd have to make sure she didn't drive herself home in her Hummer. Last time, she'd wiped out a row of shrubs in the front yard.
"As you all know, Bella and I have grown very close over the past several weeks, and, well, I can't picture my life without her." I took her hand in mine and smiled down at her beautiful face. "Bella? Would you like to do the honors?"
"We're shacking up!" Bella blurted out excitedly.
"Shacking up?" I echoed in disbelief, setting down my glass. What was she talking about? "Um, Bella. That's not what we have to announce," I whispered. "I thought we were going to-"
"Edward's moving in with me," Bella continued, cutting me off. "Well, we've been going at it like bunnies in my apartment anyway, but now we're making it official. I cleared out Rosie's side of the closet and everything."
"Congratulations, ya'll," Jasper piped up with a wide, toothy smile.
Alice's eyes suddenly glazed over. "Belllllaaaaa Swaaaaaaaaaan. Your kitty was shorn."
"Bella doesn't have a cat, honeysuckle." Jasper rubbed her arm and then copped a quick feel of her lady lumps. It seemed to startle Alice out of her trance. "She has a dog-purse, remember?"
"Why are we talking about dogs?" Alice was confused. "Was that the announcement?"
"Actually, you were talking about cats." Emmett interjected. He had looked away guiltily at the mention of Rosie, and seemed anxious to change the subject. "Er, I mean, you mentioned something about a shaved kitten."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did, sugar," Jasper reiterated. Meanwhile, Alice clutched her temples again, quite literally swooning like a tween who'd just spotted Justin Beiber.
"Emmmetttt Culllleeeeeennnn. You met a tall, dark strangerrrr. . ."
Bella rolled her eyes. "We know, Alice. It's Aro. Old news."
At the mention of his name, Aro upped the volume. "Mmmmmhhh. Oooooooh, my cock."
"No, not cock, dear. Turducken. It's a turkey with a chicken and a duck shoved into its crevice," Grandma Swan hollered over Aro's moans of ecstasy. "I've never known anyone who enjoys meat quite that much."
"Grandmaaaa Swwwwwwaaaan. You were kidnapped by a succubus named Milly Co. . . "
Bella grabbed a bun from the basket on the table and stuffed it in Alice's mouth before she could say any more. I was surprised I was the only one who lifted my hands to applaud.
"Oh, yes. He's a real meat lover," Emmett beamed, breaking the awkward silence. "Why just the other day, and quite unexpectedly, he managed to swallow an entire summer sausage without so much as gagging."
"That's nice, dear," Mother said, before turning her attention to me. "Well, Edward. That's not quite the announcement I was expecting, but Carlisle and I are very happy for you." Mother had been very supportive of my relationship with Bella ever since her miraculous makeover. "You know I just adore your Bella."
"Uh, thanks, Mother." I sat down dejectedly and looked over at Bella as she beamed at me.
"Don't you think you should make an honest woman out of her?" Charlie growled, nipping angrily at my ankle. He pulled back into an offensive crouch, the hair on his neck and back quilling along his spine. In spite of the fact that Bella's father had been rescued, he still spent every day with the wolves. In fact, he'd taken to tying his clothes to his back leg and running around the forest naked with them. I wasn't entirely sure, but I was pretty certain he could rip my head off with his teeth.
"Carlisle and I are just so anxious to be grandparents. We won't be around forever, you know. And between Jasper's undescended testicle and Emmett's hyperfur and homosexual tendencies, Bella and you are my only hope of carrying on the proud Cullen name."
"Jaaaaasper has an undescended teeeeeeeeeesticle..."
Jasper shoved another bun in Alice's mouth.
"Hey!" Emmett protested. "Aro and I've been talking about adopting a baby from Africa."
"Really?" she asked, excitement brightening her eyes.
"Oh, yes, that's right, Mrs. Cullen. Oooooh. Mmmmmmm. There's a sweet little vervet monkey we've decided to sponsor. Hopefully, someday soon, he'll be shipped to us in a crate, so we can finally be daddies!"
I sighed and pushed my empty plate away. This hadn't gone at all the way I'd envisioned it. "Bella," I hissed over at her. "We need to talk. Now!"
"Oh, okay. Let me just fill up Charlie's dish first. Here, Daddy. Come on, boy. I saved you the turkey leg to gnaw on."
Charlie let out a little yip and dove back under the table, ripping at the meat like a ravenous, er, wolf.
I dragged Bella down the stairs by her arm as quickly as I could and into one of the prep rooms, locking the door for privacy.
She yanked herself out of my grip and turned on me. "What's your malfunction, SEXSY? Don't you want to live with me anymore?" She placed Rosie down on one of the work tables and pounded her fist into my clavicle, arousing me immediately. "You're not going to break my heart, are you?"
"Never, sweet tits!" I grabbed both of her hands in mine and kissed her fists. "Don't you remember what I asked you?"
"Yeah. You said you wanted to spend the rest of forever by my side. I thought you meant side-by-side burial plots."
"No, that's not what I was talking about." But it was a good idea and would make for a wonderful Valentines Day present!
"Well, I don't get it, Sex Ed; how're we gonna be together if we're not living in the same place?"
"Bella," I crooned. "What I meant was, of course I want you to live with me - as my wife!"
"Guh?" She stumbled backwards into the table, creating a clamor and falling onto her delicious ass.
"Marry me, NIMPFO," I pleaded, looking down at her with adoration.
"But- I- you-"
"Yes?"
"You didn't get down on your knees," she protested. I offered her my hand, pulling her back onto her feet so I could bow down on one knee before her.
"You want me on my knees?" I asked slyly, hitching up her skirt and running my hands over the backs of her thighs up to her hips. Holy doodle! No underwear! "Fuck a turducken!" I shouted.
"Well, yes. I do," Bella smiled down at me, completely unaffected by my outburst. "And I'd rather you fucked a Swan."
"You do? You would?"
"I mean, I want you to ask the question properly first, though."
"Please," I whispered, nudging my head between her legs. "Can Fluffy come out to play?"
"Not that question, Edward! Now's not the time to pet Fluffy." She bit her lip nervously while I trailed my fingers around the fronts of her thighs. "Also, I kinda need to tell you something about Fluffy. She's had some, er, remodelling done. Remember the Christmas surprise I told you about earlier?" she asked nervously.
"No surprises there, angel. I know my way around Fluffy like the back of my-"
"Um . . . surprise?" Bella's voice wavered.
"What the fuzz?" I felt around my favorite crevice and was met by a shockingly bare surface. "What the eff happened down here? Fluffy's bald!" I dipped my finger inside of her lips, and she gasped a little.
"I decided to try going hairless. Some people prefer it. Have you heard of the sphynx cat?"
"You mean the rare, hairless pussy?" It was so easy to touch her without the hair getting in the way. Not that I minded, it's just sometimes I'd be so tangled up in her curlies I feared I'd have to cut my way out.
And there was that one time my watch became ensnared . . .
"Oh, god, SEXSY, when you touch me like that it makes me purr."
There was nothing I liked better than hearing Bella's little noises and high-pitched squeal when she came, but that would have to wait. I smoothed her skirt back down her thighs and took her hand in mine. "Isabella Marie Swan. I love you with all my heart. Will you spend both your life and death next to me as my wife?"
"Fuck yes," she said romantically and pulled me up into her arms. She kissed me, and our mouths clamped together like two wet suction cups with our tongues acting like squirming tentacles.
Bella jumped up and wrapped her legs around my waist; I walked her backwards until we hit the metal prep table with my hands on her firm, bare butt. I set her down gently on the edge of the cool metal, careful not to roll it away, and we both gasped for air.
"SEXSY, I don't know how you do it, but you get hotter every day." Bella panted as she undid the buttons on my shirt and kissed my chest. I yanked at my tie and pulled it over my head, tossing it over onto the counter.
"It could be the exposure to embalming fluid. It does act as a preservative."
I tried to undo the buttons on her blouse, but my hands shook with desperate need for her.
"Fuck it!" I said, tearing it open and popping buttons all over the floor to get to her sweet, berry-tipped breasts. There was still a white, lacy bra in my way, so I felt around in the back for the tabs and clasp but couldn't find them. I gave up and tried to rip that apart, too, but it was manufactured too sturdily. Had NASA engineered indestructible space-age material for boobie protection?
"It opens in the front. I thought I'd give you easier access just in case you wanted to ring my Christmas bells." Bella reached up and undid her bra in the front, and I gasped as her boobies popped out, free at last.
"Tittie fuck!" I yelled excitedly before I sucked one into my mouth and circled my tongue around the nipple. I grasped the other one in my hand and squeezed gently. I'd never get tired of the taste of Bella's sweet breasts. I rolled her nipple between my thumb and finger and then switched sides, trying to decide whether I liked the strawberry-flavored left or the raspberry-flavored right one better.
Bella moved her hands from my shoulders to my back and down, grabbing onto my belt. She followed it around to the front with the tips of her fingers just inside my pants and undid the button, sliding my zipper down, which of course made my dick pop up like an inflatable clown.
"Cock sucker!" I yelled, releasing her delicious tips and kissing her again while she pushed my pants and boxers down with her feet.
"Are these rooms soundproof, Sex Ed? My dad's just upstairs, and wolves' sense of hearing is even better than dogs." We panted like aforementioned dogs, and I had to grasp onto the table edge with both hands so it wouldn't keep rolling away as we strained to get closer to each other.
"I usually turn on the sound system while I work. It helps me concentrate on the stiffs." I tore myself away from my angel's firm thighs, waddling over with my pants around my ankles to pop in the first CD I found, turning up the volume. "Maybe that will help."
I stepped out of my clothes, leaving them on the floor. The dulcet tones of Marvin Gaye's "When a Man Loves a Woman" filled the air as we picked up where we left off. Bella wrapped her thighs back around me in a death grip, and Eddie Monster helpfully lifted her skirt out of the way all by himself and tapped politely at her entrance. "You're right, SEXSY. Stiffs are all I can think about."
"Lay back, Bella."
She lay flat and spread her legs, putting her feet up on the edge of the table and scooting forward a little. "Argh! It's fucking cold!"
"Bald eagle!" I yelled inexplicably, getting a close-up view of bare pussy. "I'm sorry, my lamb. I'd have heated it in the crematorium for a moment if I'd known we were going to end up down here." I picked up my shirt and tucked it under her back.
Lifting one of her feet onto my shoulder, I slowly ran my lips up the soft inside of her knee to her thigh, kissing and licking along the way to warm her. Her thigh trembled as I worked my way up to her soft, newly-bare lips and kissed her tenderly. She moaned when I added both my tongue and fingers. I felt her hot, wet juices coat my tongue as I twirled it over her most sensitive spot.
"Don't stop, SEXSY! Don't STOP!" she gasped, tugging at my hair.
The table started to roll away with Bella on top so I had to keep inching further and further forward. Finally, I gripped the underside, pulling it back to me. I let my fingers and tongue do the walking through the wonderland of Bella's bald pussy, exploring, until she gasped out her unique Bella-cry that shattered some glass eyeballs on the counter with a loud pop.
I knew she was ready to be re-introduced to Eddie Monster, who happily hopped up and down in excitement, but the table rolled away again.
"Can't you put the brakes on this thing?" Bella asked breathlessly, scooting back up to the edge of the table again.
"Hold that thought. I have an idea." I helped remove her skirt so she was completely and gloriously naked just like me. Then I grabbed a long hose of new embalming tubing from the cupboard. Tearing it out of its packaging, I strapped Bella down to the table by winding it around her torso around the table twice, tying a knot over her stomach but leaving her arms and legs free. "How's that? Not too tight, is it?"
"No. You're not trying to mummify me are you, Sex Ed?"
"No, that would require hundreds of yards of linen and special oils..."
"What I meant was . . . do you have a condom? I'm not ready to be a mummy quite yet."
"Oh! Of course!" I'd almost forgotten in my excitement. Wiggling my ass in the air in just the way she liked, I bent over to retrieve from my fallen pants the foil packet along with a little something extra . . . my hand gripped my dick like an excited spider monkey as I carefully rolled the condom over it, pinching the air out of the reservoir tip.
"Is this your little fantasy, Edward?" she asked in a sultry voice as she watched me stroke myself a few times. "Sex on wheels?"
"Well, yes. Except we're missing one thing."
"What's that?"
I opened my palm, showing off a sparkling diamond ring which I held up so she could see under the light.
"Oh, Edward. It's lovely!"
"May I?" I asked, taking her left hand. "I mean, I was going to give it to you in front of my family tonight, but I think I'd rather give it to you here."
"Um, that might be one of my hard limits . . ."
"Oh! No, I mean, I'd wanted to give you the ring in front of my family. Not my throbbing manhood. I've changed my mind though. May I give you both right now?"
"Fuck yes. Both!" She always knew the right thing to say. It was one of the things I loved most about her.
She held out her finger, and I slipped the ring on up to her knuckle. It was a little tight, but I pushed it gently - it slid right on. I followed up by slipping her on me. She was a little tight, but I pushed it gently, and it slid right in. The only thing better than a naked Bella was a naked Bella wearing my ring. And wearing me, of course.
Eddie Monster was ecstatic at being wrapped up in Bella's pussy. Bald or not, it was just as sweet and hot as always.
Bella's ring flashed in the light as I gripped the edge of the table and repeatedly pulled it and not-so-Fluffy-anymore toward me, sinking deep inside with each thrust.
"Harder, Edward. Faster!" Bella pleaded, holding up and admiring her engagement ring as I pumped in and out of her.
She kicked me hard in the shoulder which only made me more excited, and we came together using equally strident voices to express our mutual fulfillment.
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
"Mother-fucking-shit-hell-cooter-jizz!"
I would never tire of hearing Bella's enthusiasm for our lovemaking, and I planned to make love to her for a very long time. I didn't know what life held for us after marriage, but I knew Bella and I would still be joined by love long after our bodies were too old and tired to make a physical connection.
Unicorns and rainbows were great, but a lifetime with Isabella Swan was my kind of perfection.
"Oh, Edward," Bella groaned, arching off the table while we came down from our orgasm, still attached. "I fucking love a happy ending."
*La petite mort, French for "the little death", is a metaphor for orgasm.
A/N: Apologies for being fail on review replies for the last few chapters. Life threw us each a few wicked curve balls. We both read every review and made some new friends over twitter in the process of writing this fic. We love you all for sharing our off-the-wall sense of humour (Canadian spelling. Ha!). We had more fun writing this than we could ever express - hours of laughing, singing, and talking all percolating down into 10 chapters of insanity.
Please check out our current writing projects at DoUTrustMe and BellaFlan (respectively) on FFn. We hope to collab on another fic in the future.
Thanks for reading! DoMe and Flanny