Jude~

I stare at myself in the mirror, my port gleaming near my collar bone. It doesn't hurt, not like I thought it would. But what is going to hurt more is the people picking on my robot parts. After my initial freak out, it steadily got easier to accept that I was a freak with metal sticking out of me. Slowly.

Pulling a sweatshirt from my drawer and adjust the neck to cover the piece. The swelling in my leg and started going down with some anti-inflammatory medication, so Callie insisted that I have one last day of normalcy in my life before chemo starts.

Today, I'm going back to school.

Lena's been worrying nonstop since dinner last night, asking me at regular intervals if I'm sure I want to go.

I do, I don't want to leave Callie's side, but I'm still nervous. Nervous for school, of course, but more nervous that if I leave her side, I won't ever see her again. Now, everything's different. Callie never leaves my side without checking on me a million times, afraid I'll disappear. Going to school will be hard for us both.

"Jude! Come on buddy, it's time for school!" Stef shouts from the kitchen. Sighing, I pull my backpack off from the floor. This is really happening. The walk down the stairs is a slow one, but still I get there, where the entire Foster family, and Callie, are waiting.

"Hi, baby, you ready?" My older sister takes my bag from me and wraps her arm around my shoulders.

"As I'll ever be," I sigh, leaning into her side. We pile into the car, all six of us, and drive the five-minute drive to school.

"I have a meeting after school today, guys, so you can either wait for me or walk home. Have a good day, love you!" She kisses her real kids on the head, while giving me and Callie a quick pat on the shoulder. We split from the group when we get out and take a stroll together on the way in.

"You went over all the stuff Lena got for you, right?" Callie asks, for the thousandth time.

"Yes, Callie. And so did you, remember?" I try telling her what she wants to hear, except I really didn't comprehend any of the new materials. Seriously, who knows what 5x(76x-78) is? The day ahead is sure to be full of disaster and embarrassment; but I was as ready as I'd ever be.

"Okay, Baby, I'll see you at lunch okay. And don't hesitate to come to my class during the day, alright?"

I nod my head, looking hesitantly at the intimidating school that is right in front of us. For the first time in seven years, I am petrified to go to school. Of course, I've been to countless new schools in countless cities, but for some reason, this time feels different. Which is weird, because it isn't even a new school. But it feels like I am a new person. A person with metal in their chest, whose leg has only recently stopped swelling. And everything at school seems to have remained the same.

I watch Callie cautiously walk away from me, her hand slipping from mine. It takes only a few seconds for my feeling of security to disappear and leave me stranded in the courtyard of the school. "You can do this, Jude," I whisper, and manage to take a few small steps forward. The bell is bound to ring soon, and I have to stop at my locker before first period. The last thing I want is to add lateness and extra humiliation to the list of things I am not looking forward to today.

Just as I suspected, the moment my foot crossed the threshold of my English classroom, the final bell sounds throughout the school. I hurriedly take my seat in the back corner of the classroom, ignoring the stares and snide remarks as I slide into the plastic chair. Unable to help myself, I rearrange my sweatshirt again.

Luckily, I don't think anyone noticed, or could hear the fast pounding of my heart in my chest. It is like I am keeping a secret that is just waiting to burst out of me. They seem too busy giggling to themselves and glancing at me, but I keep my gaze straightforward.

I attempt to listen to my English teacher go on and on about the themes in 'A Wrinkle in Time'. But in all honesty, the thought of reading anything right now is boring me. How can I do something so trivial, when I know that my whole world has been flipped upside down? That one last day of normalcy that Callie suggested is the farthest thing from my mind. The next time I examine themes, it will be at the Fosters' house, and I will be sick from chemo.

My breathing becomes quicker, and my palms become clammy. I feel as helpless as I did when I was in the MRI machine. There is nothing I want more at this time than to be out of this room, out of this school. I can't deal with the gossiping teenagers and the unaware teachers. For now, all I want to do is deal with what is going on inside of me, without acting as if this is just another day. Slowly, I raise my hand and wait to be called on.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I ask, completely aware of the way my voice shakes. Barely waiting for an answer, I take my things and leave the room at what I hope isn't a run.

As I make my way through the hallway, it is like I am sleep walking. Without even thinking about it, I find myself entering the High School wing, towards the room that Callie has her first period class in. I peek through the window and wave, hoping that she can see me before the teacher does. Fortunately, she had been glancing towards the door anyway, and she notices me quickly.

I watch as she raises her hand and asks the teacher if she can leave, much like I did only moments before. Within seconds, she is out in the hallway, leading me away from the windows of the classrooms. I am hyperventilating by the time we've moved out of the way.

"I ca-can't do this. Not today," I gasp, falling into her arms.

Her bag falls to the floor, and her arms wrap tightly around me. She moves her hand in soothing circles on my back, whispering 'Shh' to calm me down. Callie kneels down on the linoleum flooring, gathering me tighter in her arms. She runs her fingers through my hair, trying to get my breathing under control. Soon enough, my breathing has slowed down and I look up at Callie, hoping she understands how little I want to go back to class.

"I have an idea," she says, then pauses. "If you're up for it." It's funny how even without me saying something, she knows exactly why I am acting the way I am acting.

"Anything is better than here," I whisper, gently wiping a tear off of my cheek. She smiles, the type of smile that she used to give me after she was hit in one of our foster homes and I asked her if she was alright. It is the type of smile that answers a thousand questions with no words.

Callie stands, throwing an arm around my shoulders and leading me to the nearest doors. The fresh air hits me as soon as we get outside, and I take a deep breath, taking in the smell of the sea.

Our feet hit the pavement simultaneously, and we walk side by side until we leave the pavement and enter the grassy section of the school yard. We don't say a word until the grass turns to sand beneath our feet, and the sun shines directly on our pale faces, the warmth making my mouth turn up into a smile.

"Thank you," I tell her. The waves, the sand, the sun… All of it alleviates the stress that I was feeling, and the panic is gone with my sister by my side.

Her arm wraps tighter around my shoulders, "Absolutely, buddy." We walk in silence for a few more minutes until we are far enough from the school to not be seen. When we have found a nice spot behind a rock formation, Callie takes off a sweatshirt that is tied around her waist and places it on the sand, helping me sit down next to her.

A calm peace settles over us. Here, there are no expectations. There's no one staring at me and whispering behind their hands. There are no teachers talking about things that won't help me get through the next few days.

"I don't know if I can do this, Callie." She turns away from staring at the crystal blue water, and looks at me, tears pooling in her eyes.

"The day that Mom died, we went to the beach. Do you remember?"

I nod. "I don't really remember the details. But I do remember that we went."

She leans back against the rocks, pulling me back with her. "Mom had been really stressed for the past few weeks. Dad had been staying out late at the bars, wasting all of our money. She was scared. I could tell," she pauses, and turns her head back to the ocean, remembering the event. "I think she was giving up, Jude."

As she spoke, things began to come back to me. I remembered the way Mom used to sit at the kitchen table with her head in her hands when she thought Callie and I weren't there. I remembered the short fuse she had been on; the way she would say no a lot because we just didn't have the money anymore.

"That day, Dad came home early in the morning, drunk as always. Mom just couldn't deal with it anymore. She yelled at him for being irresponsible, thinking that I couldn't hear. But I heard. I think she just wanted to get out, Jude. So we came to the beach. I still don't understand why she continued to agree to go out to dinner with him. Maybe it's because she knew something like that would happen, I really don't know. But she was giving up."

The beach had always been a safe haven for us. Maybe it's a place to go when you feel like you're giving up. Callie seems to understand this when she finally turns away from the ocean to look at me.

"I know that it is going to be hard. I know that you are going to want to give up. But Jude, I am not going anywhere. I will be here for you forever. Please don't give up like Mom did."

I keep my gaze on hers. If today and the past few weeks have proven anything, they have proven to me that this is just another thing that I can try to get through if I have Callie with me. The magnitude of the problem doesn't take away from that.

"I just don't know if I can do this, Cal."

One year later, and we have returned with a new chapter. We are terribly sorry for the way that we have left things with this story, and hope that with the summer ahead of us we can update more frequently. As always, thanks for reading, and we hope you enjoyed.

KDanceWriteDream + WrittenInTheStarsAbove