Chapter 10

"To unpatch'd waters, undream'd shores" ~ William Shakespeare, The Winter's Tale.

"Hi sweetheart," Natasha cooed gently, she had gotten the heads up from Laura about Lila being a little upset with her absence, but it still hurt way more than she had imagined when Lila did not run towards her, jumping up in her arms like she usually did.

Lila was just…overwhelmed, seeing Natasha come inside her room, her heart skipped a beat, but she couldn't move. She was definitely happy, but she didn't really understand why she was tearing up a bit and it almost hurt. She sat there, staring at her aunt, her role model, tiny eyes wide open, and filled with tears. Natasha's heart was bubbling up with guilt, but without showing any of it, she crouched down in front of Lila, holding her gaze.

The child stared at her for a few seconds before hiccupping out a choked, "I missed you. And I didn't think you were coming," after which she started sobbing and Natasha pulled her in on her lap and getting up with her, she got a better hold of the little 6-year-old, who easily nestled right into her.

She was almost startled by Lila yet again. That little girl always had the capacity to amaze her but seeing her this hurt, especially because of her own absence pained Natasha. It had been a while since she'd visited the Bartons and she could feel the difference. Things had changed for them, their new baby boy was there now, both the older kids were also growing, she could almost feel a difference of a few inches in Lila's height but what astounded her the most was the difference in her emotions. She could clearly express what hurt and why.

Natasha couldn't lie to herself. She'd missed her little snuggle bug too, but after the Accords, she didn't even have much time to talk to her on the phone, let alone video calls or visits. She felt so guilty for hurting Lila this much, but the truth is that she didn't really think that she would be missed this much. She couldn't have ever imagined she mattered this much to her little girl and realizing that, she hated herself for not being there.
Lila didn't have very many friends of her own because they lived in the outskirts and her parents had been a little busy with their newborn along with her elder brothers broken foot. The loneliness she felt only aggravated her feelings towards wanting her aunt's presence, especially on her birthday.

Natasha held her for a long time, coddling her with gentle murmurs while letting her cry it out. And when Lila was finally settling down, she could see the tear stains on Natasha's face.

"It's okay. Don't feel bad," she said placing her hand on Natasha's cheek just like Natasha always did while talking to her when she was upset.

"I'm really sorry, Lila. I wanted to come and see you too but I was stuck fighting some bad guys. That's why I couldn't inform you baby girl. I tried contacting your parents a few times, but it just wasn't working out," she said earnestly, her voice filled with compassion and sorrow. The truth is she had tried calling Clint from the jet a few times but the radio communication systems weren't working properly. They'd barely got the hang of Cho and Hill somehow when Natasha was injured.

"Mommy and Daddy said that you were busy and I didn't want you to be busy! Not on my birthday. Sometimes I feel like you won't come back…like ever and I get scared not seeing you for so long. I just…I wanted to know that you were okay," she stated sadly.

"I…" Natasha didn't really know what to say to the 6-year-old. She was at loss of words after the child so sincerely poured out her heart. She felt responsible for the fear and worry she had instilled in Lila, but…it also hit her hard, overwhelming her with all the care and compassion the child had for her.

Feeling needed and sought after was something she still wasn't good at deciphering and it made her feel like she was so blessed, that she had in her, something that fulfilled a need, something that was wanted by someone. And as much as it hurt to see how much worry she had caused to Lila, it also reinforced in her the new belief system that she had acquired with Steve, that she was needed and that she deserved a chance at normalicity.

"Thank you, Lila."

"For what?"

"For your honesty, for telling me how you felt. I'm so proud of you, lil' one, but also, thank you for needing me." The child looked up to her in admiration and smiling genuinely, she said, "how can I not need you? You're my aunt, you're family, and I love you," she tightly hugged the former redhead, making another tear trickle down Natasha's cheeks.

"And for the worry part, how about I promise you something? Hmm?" she asked, wanting to make the child feel certain about a few things.

"What is it?" Lila asked seriously, pulling back and starting right into Natasha's eyes.

"You know my job is to fight bad guys, just like your daddy used to, to make sure that good people, like you, are safe and happy, right?"

"Mm-hmm," she nodded.

"And because of that, there are times when I can get hurt while doing that, but I promise you that I will always try my level best to take care of myself when I'm doing my job, but in case if something ever happens to me, I want you to remember this, that no matter what, I will always be there with you. No one, and I promise you, no one in this universe could ever take that from you; the fact that I love you more than anything. So, whenever you miss me when I'm away on missions, I want you to remember the funny, silly and happy times we've had, I want you to remember this always okay, that even if I'm not around you…physically, I'm still with you, forever, and I will never not be by your side, you just have to feel me around you with those memories, alright? And I'm always okay when you're okay, Lila. I might not be around you to tell you that but seeing you smile is all I need, so whenever you miss me, remember the happy times and I promise, I'll be there, okay?"

"Okay…" she fell back in the embrace, satisfied by the earnesty in Natasha's eyes. "I'm very proud of you, Auntie Nat." Natasha chuckled a little, as emotional as she was, she couldn't feel happier at that pure, honest and utterly endearing admission, "thank you, Lila."

Natasha remembered a couple of years back when Clint and Laura had told the kids briefly about their daddies and their aunties job. Lila was around four that time, and the concept intrigued her, while her brother thought it was 'awesome,' she still couldn't get a hang on the entirety of it, but then again who could blame her, innocence like that wasn't bound to understanding the complexities of the world, let alone its cruelties.

"Why are people bad, Auntie Nat?" The child asked with a curiousness bound by purity.

Natasha thought a moment, wanting to answer her correctly. The bond she shared with Lila was so special, not that she loved Cooper any less but she remembered so well when she met her for the first time as an infant, coddled and swaddled in her father's, in her best friend's arms, and, holding her in her very own, she realized she had never felt the way she did at that very moment ever before. She saw in Lila something she'd lost long ago. Guilelessness. And she was bound to protect it, no matter what it cost.

"Sometimes because no one taught them good and sometimes because people haven't been good to them. Not all people who you see doing bad things are actually bad, they just…haven't been taught well, and most of the times, people aren't entirely bad, they're lost rather."

"So, can they be made good?"

"Not always…but sometimes they realise that they've been pretending all this while…to be something they never were and, if they're strong enough, to let go and move on, they decide to stop pretending and start doing what they were truly meant to do," the little child stared at her in wonder, "…which is to be good," Natasha finished. It was a lot to take on for a four-year-old and Natasha knew that, but she just could tangibly feel the magnitude of Lila's question weigh her down, making her realize just how much this had bothered her since a long time. It was more as if she was answering a riddle that she was constantly plagued by and, she felt rather content with her answer somehow, realizing how she presented in it, a tiny bit of hope.

"God I can't believe how much you've grown. You're five years old!"

"I'm six!"

"No way! Now you're just messing with me. Let me take a closer look at you…hmm, you do look a tad bit taller, but I'm not quite sure…"

"I'm six now, I'm taller see!" Natasha chuckled at Lila's adorableness, finally giving in.

"So you're trying to tell me that you, my little one, aren't so little anymore? You're 6 years old, I just can't believe it! Happy Birthday, Lila!" Natasha gave her a huge bear hug, perfectly matching her level of elation.

"Uh, huh. Last time you saw me I was little but now I'm actually bigger," she explained her aunt.

"I bet you are. Are you excited for today?"

"I'm getting an Olaf cake with lots of frosting. It's going to be chocolate on the inside," her eyes gleamed with excitement.

"Oh, that is a great choice. So you wanna pick your outfit now? Daddy's making blueberry pancakes!"

"Yes. Let's do it," she raised her hand for Natasha to hold, which she gladly did but suddenly Lila stopped, "wait…what happened to your hair?"

"Umm, I got a little bored with the red. Do you like them?"

"Yeah. They're nice…but I really liked the red too," she honestly confessed. Natasha chuckled realizing just how much her reaction was a perfect combination of Clint's upfront bafflement and Laura's thoughtfulness which eventually ended in a playful nod of disapproval.

"Don't worry they'll come back soon enough. You wanna get ready now?"

"Mm-hmm." And with that, Natasha picked her up, taking the little child towards the closet.

Natasha was sitting on the porch watching the kids run around with excitement, completely indulged in the fun and games of the party. They had a small gathering of a few friends over along with some of the relatives, and it was truly heart-warming for her to see those kids, just being kids.

It was a beautiful day after all, it was almost as if today, the clouds had cleared the way they did just for the Sun, for it to be able to display its effulgence, for it to be made feel like a star, one that it truly always was, its just that in performing its regularities of providing warmth and light, it almost forgot that it could just…sparkle, carefree, with all it's splendor and magic, letting its rays seep through the treacherous roots of the earth, unafraid and unashamed.

Almost abruptly, a memory knocked on the doors of Natasha's mind and she was swiftly taken back to the conversation she had with Steve on one of the nights after the Ultron madness. The two of them were lightly chatting about their day, and things started getting a little serious when they somehow ended up talking about Clint and his family, especially Lila.

"They're are really doing a great job with the kids. And you know, just how much I'm obsessed with Lila. When I look at her I see the way she sees the world, and the way she believes the world sees her. The glimpses of these amazing traits that I see in her, they make me realize of all the effort they're putting in, in letting her know, in making her believe with certainty…she knows, Steve that she's loved, wanted and needed…and I know, she'll grow up to be this amazing, beautiful and compassionate individual. She'll believe in herself. And I adore and applaud Clint and Laura, rather all the parents like them in the world for this, that's how everyone's supposed to do it. Raise kids," she sighed, "…sometimes I wish I'd gotten an opportunity to be raised like that."

"Hey, its a completely valid feeling. That is how a child is supposed to be raised. They're made to feel protected and loved. And I know you've never gotten that chance, but Nat, you have the opportunity to give it to Lila. The way she looks at you, she sees strength and charisma, she wants to be like you-"

Natasha scoffed at that, rudely cutting him off, "she doesn't know me to want to be like me."

"She knows you better than you yourself do. And she's just four. Its really not that hard you know, you just need to stare a little harder in the mirror, look beyond the surface and you'll find the truth and not just a mere reflection of dumb ideologies people stuffed in your head." Steve had gotten a little mad at her for the way she had responded. He headed over to the gym, knowing that sooner or later, she'd join him too.

"Never thought I'd see you here," he greeted her with a cocky smile.

"Yup and I bet you cannot imagine how amazingly I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Oh, you're so on."

And they sparred for a long time, but it rather looked like both of them were synchronously performing a piece of art they'd been researching centuries for. It almost took like forever but Natasha almost won, and pinning Steve down, she beamed, "told ya I'd win."

He didn't drop her gaze, holding her in place, just like she was, with almost her entire body weight and suddenly, out of nowhere, Steve twisted, reversing their positions."Yup, you did. And I'm telling you, someday you're gonna look in the mirror and be able to see yourself."

"We'll see, Cap." She grunted, trying to get a better grip to overpower him, but she couldn't, not with his determination.

"No, you'll see," he smirked, once again referring to his mirror ideology.

Clint walked up to her and took his spot beside her. "Drooling over the Cap, aren't you?"

"Oh, shut up, Barton. We all know how you still slip seeing Laura."

"Wow, you drew a parallel instead of denying so…finally, huh? After all, you guys did end up together. I was so right," he smirked.

"Um…yeah, but you don't get to tease, okay?" She told Clint, with quickly adding on, "and don't listen to Sam…he lies."

"Oh, you mean about that part where they walked in on you two making out in a hospital room? Seriously, in a freakin' hospital room?!"

"Damn it! I'm gonna kick that birds butt," she mumbled, annoyed. "He's been going around telling everyone!"

"Okay first of all, please stop with the bird mocks. If you've forgotten, I'm Hawkeye."

"Oops." She snickered at that along with the overtly exaggerated hurt expression he displayed.

"Forgiven. And second of all…I am really happy for you, Natasha. Finally, it's someone whom I genuinely believe is worthy of you." He put his arm around her shoulder, bringing her in for a sideways hug.

"Thanks, Barton. Love you too." He couldn't help but chuckle at that, the way she always said 'love you too' without him even saying it, but then again, she was never wrong.

A few minutes later, Clint left her to handle the kids and the mess they were making, just as kids usually do. Natasha saw Steve, chatting with Wanda in a near distance, the two of them were laughing at something, which was probably Sam and his obsession with the piñata the kids were struggling with. She headed towards them, "I really do hope you guys are laughing at Sam."

"You got that right. Just look at him, he's getting so agitated with the fact that the kids haven't been able to get the hang of that thing. I'm betting he's hoping he'll get a chance to take a hit," Wanda smirked.

"You also want one so bad, don't you?" Natasha asked, raising her eyebrows.

Wanda blushed, "…no." Steve chuckled, "yup, she really does."

After playing around a little with the children and behaving like complete nut heads themselves, Natasha finally got a hold of Steve for a moment when they were heading inside, and she couldn't find a more perfect opportunity to let him know, "you were right…even though you lost the sparring match."

"I told you." He smugly stated, understanding her reference perfectly but suddenly realizing, "wait, I won the sparring match too."

"No, you didn't."

"Your denial gives me the absolute assurance I needed. Thank you," he laughed, realizing how wild that sounded.

"Wow. Philosophical, huh? Not bad," Natasha leaned down, picking up the happy toddler who was raising his hands to her. She bobbled him and gently cooed sweet nothings, making the little one giggle and squeal. Steve too laughed at it. The sight was so adorable, and just as much as the moment tried to apprehend it, the depths of its uncapturability was pure bliss.

Suddenly Nate got attracted to Steve's beard, trying to grab for it. "Wanna hold him?"

"Uhh…I don't know. I'm not very good with babies."

"Don't worry. He'll love you. Here," Natasha gently handed him over, guiding Steve how to hold him and the baby squealed, patting his hands at his beard, making the two of them laugh.

"He likes you," Steve smiled at that, holding the precious little one and rocking him gently.

The birthday party was a lot of fun for Lila. She had truly enjoyed every single bit of it. And even though the day was filled with adorableness throughout, the most precious and almost incomparable moment was when Clint had asked Lila which present was her favorite after she had opened each and every one of her gifts, and she ran up from her mountain of presents to Natasha, tightly hugging her for a second, after which she let go, held Natasha's hand and turned the both of them in her dad's direction and pointing her finger, she proudly stated, "this one," to which the entire room dissolved into laughter.

Steve couldn't be more awed by the scene in front of him. The loving, caring and playful side to Natasha was something he didn't get to see that often, and he wouldn't miss a single second of it.

After the party had ended and all three of the kids had gone to their beds, the adults were chilling for a bit and most definitely having quite a mature "adult" conversation, but then again, this was absolutely expected from a gathering of Avengers…former Avengers.

"…i won, and that's what matters!"

"But it wasn't fair, Nat! I'm calling a rematch."

"Woah, what's going on?" Wanda asked, returning to the room from her phone call with Vision, completely puzzled by whatever her mentors were arguing about.

"You remember the thumb wars we had when Clint had come to visit? I had totally won that, hadn't I?" Natasha gave her one of those rare cute pleading looks that made Wanda melt, making her merely nod.

"Ha. See?" Natasha smugly turned to Steve.

"Not fair! Wanda, you know that's not true!" The poor teen expectantly looked up to Clint and Laura, and while Clint shrugged, mouthing 'if I save you it'll be me,' Laura finally pulled her in, next to her spot on the couch.

"Wait? Why don't nobody ask me?" Sam finally spoke up.

"Um…cause you were dead asleep and, on the verge of throwing up way before the thumb wars even started?" Wanda smirked, getting a pout from him.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the final fight of the night, Captain America versus Black Widow, who do you think is gonna walk home with the trophy? I'd suggest you'd place your bets right now cause I'm pretty sure it's gonna be 'Tasha," Clint excitedly declared. Everyone except Steve was almost drunk. Wanda and Natasha definitely had better metabolisms than the rest, but with the amount of alcohol they had, they too were tipsy to say the least.

"Natasha raised her eyebrows with a cocky grin, "yup it is."

"You're on, Barton. I'm gonna be on team Capsicle here." Tony chimed in.

"See that? I'm gonna get you this time, Romanoff."

"Oh, I'd like to see you try, Rogers." And so they started, it became a pretty serious ordeal with all the Avengers cheering their respective chosen ones, and it had been almost 5 minutes, that being a rather long time for a thumb wrestling match but the two of them were way too invested.

"Man the sexual tension is almost tangible," Tony teased.

Natasha was struggling overpowering Steve, a droplet of sweat slid down her forehead, she suddenly liked Tony's idea, giving Steve one of her rare disarming looks, bending down a little further and biting her lip, she purposely made him feel…uncomfortable. He was almost taken aback but the sudden shift in her demeanor. And finally, throwing him off balance she won, the spider enticed her prey skilfully and mercilessly.

"Yes! See Stark, I told you Nat would win."

"Yeah, well she should thank me for that."

"Huh, what?" Barton slurred, too drunk to catch up to them.

"Don't worry Stark, I would willingly acknowledge you for this one with all my gratitude," she laughed, getting up and ruffling Steve's hair gently, "sorry Cap, I don't miss when I've my bets placed." No one else really was sane enough to take in the situation as well as the two of them.

Steve blushed, trying to act completely oblivious to her words but failing miserably. "C'mon Stark pay up," while Natasha and Clint were pouncing upon Tony for their cash, Steve ran a hand through his head, still not able to fully comprehend just what had happened, he couldn't even get drunk, then how could he fall for it? "I don't wike it," he mumbled under his breath, luckily, no one heard it.

After a while, Natasha rather abruptly got up in the middle of whatever silly discussion they were having and told them that she was heading to bed, leaving them with whatever craziness they were pursuing and though everyone was bummed, they let her go eventually, with a bunch of rebukes of course. Steve, being the only sane one, knew that something was eating her up, and in a bit, he too declared that he was gonna go. His set of rebukes were much more interesting though, he didn't pertain Natasha's death glare after all.

"Goodnight grandpa!" Clint roared.

"Don't overdose on your sleeping pill, Capsicle," how could Tony stay back.

Steve hauled Sam's arm over his shoulder, carrying him off to his room. He had already passed out and definitely didn't have that good of a metabolism when it came to digesting huge gulps of alcohol. Passing by the bar, he almost ran into Natasha, who had briefly returned to get her forgotten phone, "uhh…sorry."

"Do you need some help with him?"

Steve was about to say no, but right in that moment, Sam hurled over and threw up, almost staining Steve's shoes but he moved right in time. He looked up at her with a small smile.

"You'd like to reconsider that? Great." And so the two of them carried a very passed out Falcon through the elevator, dropping him to his room, talking lightly meanwhile, "so you're not gonna be awkward around me, are you?"

"Oh, is that cause you flustered me up and made a complete fool out of me down there? Not at all."

"What? When did that happen?" She teased, making him almost scoff, "yeah, right."

"Wow, he is such a lightweight. I almost feel bad," she chuckled.

Finally getting Sam in bed, they walked out. "No, you almost feel jealous," Steve's words almost caught her off guard, but before she could say anything, he continued, "…rather, we almost feel jealous. Only if we had it so easy…a bottle of whiskey for a peaceful night of sleep."

She smiled sadly, nodding, "goodnight, Steve," and almost as if she was wishing him good luck, she leaned in and gave him a hug, knowing that if someone understood her irrational fear from sleep just as much as she craved it, it was definitely him.

She was about to let go, but he held on, "Nat, do you wanna talk for a bit?"

"I'll be fine. I'm just a little buzzed, I guess. And I'm not sorry for…being crafty," she smirked in the end, referring to the thumb wars match.

He chuckled, finally letting go of her, deciding to give her the time and space she needed, "how 'bout I call for a rematch? One that's fair?"

"Done. But you're gonna have to wait till I'm sober, cause I won't need anything more than my thumb then," she winked.

"So you're calling the rematch almost two years later? You seem to have an obsession with delays, don't you?"

"You won't mind some of them," he gleamed wickedly, whispering in her ear while Clint and Laura, were invested in Sam and Wanda's squabble in the background so he could be audible to only her, almost throwing her off the edge, yet catching her, only off guard though. "I'm glad you've learned a few things in these years, Rogers."

"Hello? Are you two done being mushy to continue with the challenge?" Sam teased, earning a pointed look from the both of them.

"Laura? Pick a side?"

"Um…don't kill me Nat, but I'm gonna have to be on team Cap here," she high-fived Steve, moving to sit on his side.

"Damn. I was gonna pick him," Clint sighed, but looking back up, he was almost eaten up by Natasha's threatening look, "seriously?! Didn't you earn your fortune last time cause of me? I'm so gonna spoil all your kids for this one you two!" She huffed, getting a snicker out of the couple. Laura smirked, "like you don't do that anyway," while Steve chilled back with a proud look.

"Sam? Wanda? C'mon you two love me more, don't you?" Steve chuckled at Natasha's persuasive skills, making both Sam and Wanda simply nod to her.

"Okay well, bring it on."

And after a vigorous match, one that was intense, yet entirely fair, Natasha won once again. "Take that bitches."

"Okay, first of all, language. And second of all, volume! I have three kids asleep man," Clint said, at which she simply stuck her tongue out.

Natasha headed to the porch again, definitely her favorite place in Clint house, the sky had its stars visible now, 'the rust has cleared finally,' she smiled, remembering how the thumb wars match they had had was only a couple of months before the Accords. She definitely missed it, but recalling the memory, she also remembered the aftermath of how the rest of the night had gone once she had headed upstairs. It was difficult, least to say, and so were the next couple of days.

"Someday it was…I can't believe how much fun we had running around." Steve took his spot right next to her on the porch, remembering how he couldn't help but stare at how utterly adorable Natasha looked when she was completely engaged in all the party games, especially the Treasure Hunt in which she obviously was Lila's first choice.

It was so precious seeing them decoding the clues and working together, Natasha definitely loved each and every second of it. It made his heart swell seeing this carefree side to her around kids, he knew she's always been caring and affectionate but, seeing her be it so openly made him almost a little emotional. It was liberating.

"You're right, and someday it is…" she leaned onto his shoulder, "…you remember?"

"Of course I do."

"If I'd known you'd still be awake I'd end up here sooner. Troubling you before I sleep is always way more satisfying," she took a spot on the couch in front of him, Steve folded the page he was reading and put the book aside, he was pretty well aware from her tone that she was inebriated, yet again.

Natasha hadn't been doing so well that week, Steve knew something had ticked her off in a rather brutal manner since the moment she'd decided to head upstairs. He was desperate to help, and he tried to get her to talk many times since the night of the thumb wars, but she just wasn't willing to.

"Why'd you drink so much anyway? It's really not good, you know?"

"You think this is a good opportunity to get me to open up, don't you?" She smirked, making him chuckle, there were definitely many instances when Steve was disturbed and he needed someone to talk to, and Natasha knew those times, she could just feel it when he actually had something going on. It came so naturally to her to head up to him, to approach him directly, but even in her intoxicated state, she knew him, far too well, sometimes more than her own liking.

"Damn it. You're really good at reading someone's mind, Nat."

"Nope. I'm not a psychic or something, Steve. I'm just really good with deciphering emotions…especially yours," she smirked, "I'm the best." Steve chuckled, "textbook narcissism. Stark's rubbing off on you?"

She picked up his glass of orange juice and taking a sip, she mumbled, "god. I hope not." The both of them shared a laugh, and after a moment of rather a restless, uneasy silence, Steve finally asked, "What is it, Nat? What's been eating you up?"

"You tell me, you know you're also awake at quarter to two with me, right? I was out drinking, what are you, sleepwalking?"

"I tried to sleep, but…I guess I knew I won't be able to tonight. I've had a lot on my mind," he smiled a little, knowing how well she could understand the restlessness he felt.

Natasha met his gaze, patient and waiting, hoping for her to open up, she almost was consumed in its kindness for a moment, being completely silent, but then suddenly, catching herself falling in its trap of compassion, she almost felt angry and, blaming it at her inebriated state, she ruthlessly stated, "we both know how much you'd love to drown yourself in alcohol, only if you could," calling him out on his inability to fall for it.

She could see a tiny ounce of surprise and hurt in his eyes as he perfectly linked how she jibed at him for his earlier concern for her for getting drunk so often. "I think I'm gonna head upstairs now, probably get some sleep," Natasha got up, wanting to disappear before she hurt him further and knowing she was a tiny bit out of her senses, she didn't want to take a chance, being aware of how unstable she felt, especially being around him, knowing that Steve had a way of getting her to open up.

Steve could see it though, the fact that she was letting down her guard after the past couple of days. He couldn't miss the opportunity. "It's true. But at least it forces me to deal with it, rather than gulping it down, right?" He too stood up, his words being effective enough to stop her.

"Oh, if I deal with it the way I see things, I would have killed myself long back…" She turned back to face him.

"Don't you dare…" He walked up to her and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her a little, "I don't know what to say or do to convince you…but I swear to god I will not let you do anything of that sort. I am not going to give up on you, and you better get that into your head," his voice was chilling, each word had such a vast emphasis, it shook her to her core, definitely enough to wake her up from her intoxicated state. She stared at him with wide, moist eyes, he didn't blink though. His determination was unparalleled.

Suddenly getting agitated at his words yet again, she rid herself of his grasp and stormed towards the door, Steve exhaled looking down, "Nat, please. Quit running away."

She turned around at that, "Why?" She asked in an almost broken voice. "Why do you care so much?!" Her voice was a mixture of anger and…pain. It almost hurt her to see somebody care, and she didn't know how to respond to that. She certainly didn't.

"Cause you matter." He walked up to her.

"And what about the things I've done? The lives I've taken? Don't they matter?! I deserve to be miserable after that!" She spat, disgusted with herself.

"You didn't take them, Natasha. You didn't even have an identity back then! You did what you were taught to you, you did whatever was necessary to stay alive." His voice was rising up too, with his desperation to make her understand.

"But I should have chosen to die rather…" she looked away, clearly upset.

"Wait so let me get this straight…you are blaming your naïve younger self, who was tormented and tortured, shown graphic and gory images of how brutal the journey to death is for those who don't comply. I've shuddered reading files of how the red room functioned, Natasha, you've fucking had to live there! It had always been this brutal place of utter darkness where you imagine people who go there, stay with the horrors captured in the expression of excruciating pain you see on their face in death for you." Natasha's eyes widened at that, she remembered the grotesque and horrifying deaths she'd seen as to set examples by the red room. 'How does he know?'

"Then being afraid of death was the only human thing about me. I was a killing machine on hire. You know…you know what they've done to me! My body, my soul…the most important aspect of life, creating a new life, I can't do that and, even now…I know I deserve it, it still hurts no less. What they did, it can never be undone…just like what I did. And once I've realized that I can't help but question the purpose of my life, what am I going on for, Steve? I'll never be able to do enough for it. There's no penance enough…"

"You think because they've sterilized you…" the impact of that word was something she just couldn't take, "just let it go!"

"What about the children you saved on life-threatening missions, or rather the parents that you've saved, without whom their kids would have ended up lost…you've not only saved lives, Natasha but you've also given them direction and purpose, to value their time and the closeness they have with the ones around them, and that is your purpose. You've inspired and given hope to so many children, and they celebrate this strength, your strength when they dress up as you on Halloween, they not only imitate the Black Widow, Natasha, they try and imbibe your spirit. You've contributed a lot Natasha, and I…we need you. You find it so difficult to believe that you're worthy of a life worth living, cause you've been told so, over and over, it's not your fault, Nat, that you believe these things. But please, know that that is not and will not be the truth. They lied, okay?"

"You know, if I wasn't this drunk, I'd probably not even consider it but…how about this? I wanna believe you…so bad. But I'm not able to…and someday…I hope I am."

"Then I'm just asking you to hang on till that someday."

"…okay," she smiled weakly bringing him in for a much-needed hug.

"You know, it's almost bruising my ego admitting how right you've been."

"On the risk of bruising it further, I'm gonna have to say, I told you so," he teased, making her chuckle, "you did."

"Steve?" She held his gaze for a steady moment, pouring out the deluge of unnamed emotions she experienced around him, being able to feel so…alive somehow, "I'm done letting memories haunt me…the future doesn't stand a fucking chance. And, I could have never done it without you, you've never given up on me. I love you, so damn much." She leaned in, kissing him passionately, conveying the vast magnitude of vehemence her newly acquired internal homeostasis brought to her, for she wasn't used to feeling so…calm.

"I love you too, and I'm so proud of you, Nat. You know, I used to get scared sometimes, realizing that we don't know the reason behind a lot of things that have happened and what if when we'll finally face it, in an attempt to seek that unknown truth, we might realize that…its a lot more than we could take…but I too am done now. I just want to live this time with you, and, when it comes to facing the fire, we'll do it together, whether we'll stand or turn into ash, we'll do it together. What say?" Natasha smiled at him, her green eyes sparkled with the magnificence of the stars being reflected in them, "we will most definitely."

Steve went on, "you've never given up on me either, and for the record, you've been right too, you know? You've stabilized me whenever I shuddered, and you've understood me, way better than I myself have had, all this while…"

Steve woke up rather abruptly again, seeing Bucky in his nightmares was something he'd almost gotten accustomed to in the hospital bed, but the sight in front of him surprised him too, pleasantly only though. "…Nat?" He called out weakly.

"Hey you," she looked up from her book.

"What're you doing here?"

"Reading. And as tempted as I am to ask you the very same question…"

"I couldn't fight him…i just couldn't. I saw a spark in him, Nat. He almost recognized me."

"He got you out of the water too…I understand, Steve and as much as I want to yell and be mad at you for almost getting yourself killed out there, I get it…I just…I was worried."

"I'm sorry for getting you worried. And thanks, for understanding and…being there for me…back then and right now too."

"Says the one who saved my life," she almost rolled her eyes.

"You do know we wouldn't have been able to do this if you weren't there, right?"

"You would've managed."

"You're wrong." Natasha could see that he meant it and it touched a raw nerve in her to witness his brutally honest form once again.

"You look terrible," she digressed, distracting both herself and him from the look he'd just given her, still, making him chuckle, simply cause it made her feel…lighter in a way.

"Does this help," he gave her a weak cheeky grin, making her laugh again effectively.

"I can't compete with you, can I?"

"Hah. I wonder why do you even try."

"Okay, so now that we're done with basic etiquettes and, getting past formalities, I'd like to ask you the most absurd question anyone could've asked you here."

He raised his eyebrows, "And that is?"

"How are you feeling, Steve?" She snickered, making him roll his eyes.

"I'm okay. Thanks for asking. How are you, though?"

"Currently unemployed. So, what now?"

"You mean whatever are we going to do now that we burnt down our workplace along with our rival companies'? I don't really know…"

"I guess its a good opportunity to seek some answers."

He smiled sadly, "…and some people."

"We're probably gonna miss them. The good ol' shield days…" Natasha could see that he was pretty much lost in deep thought. And she knew rather well why, "it was too sudden, wasn't it? Seeing him like that?"

"I wanted to be glad that he was there…alive, right in front of me, but it was just, so difficult and…overwhelming seeing him like that. I don't think I could possibly give up on the idea that I'll get him back someday, but…it scares me, Nat, thinking what if one day I'll be defeated enough to believe it…that I've lost him, yet again."

"Steve, when it comes to facing the heat, we're driven by our core foundations and, just to remind you, when did you ever last give up?" She paused for a second, not leaving his gaze, "how about never? Cause you can't, Rogers. You and your stubborn ass aren't capable of it."

"Cause I'm Captain America?"

"Nope, cause you're Steve Rogers. Cap may come from you and some of your best traits, but it can't possibly encompass the whole of you…its just this title, this mantle. And as much as he bruised your face…your determination cannot be scarred, not by the entire weight of the world, brainwashed Bucky's metal arm never stood a chance, Steve."

"Thank you, Natasha. I really do mean it."

"Yeah, I'd just prefer you taking a tad bit more care of yourself next time, okay?"

"Alright….um, you don't have to stay here the whole time, you must be tired."

"Are you trying to kick me out?"

"No," he chuckled at her over-exaggerated expression, "I just wanted you to get some rest."

"I can understand the hint in your tone and I don't particularly appreciate it, mister. So unless you want to stay in that bed for a few more days than your injuries require, I suggest you better apologize." Steve chuckled at her first, "I'm serious!" She almost pouted, "You can't just ask me to leave!"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Thanks for staying, Natasha. Please don't leave, okay?" Steve said those words so earnestly that it took both of them a moment to understand it's true essence, and all Natasha could say was, "I might have to…for a bit. But I'll come back. I promise."

"I'll wait then. Cause I've already told you that I trust you."

"…even though you did annoy the shit out of me by setting me up on those dates. Thanks for coming back, Nat."

"Thanks for giving me a reason to. And, one again, I'm definitely not gonna apologize…it was way too entertaining. Also, language, Cap," she teased, making him feign annoyance, but rather quickly melt by her adorableness.

"If someone's writing this trajectory for us and if this is all 'destined'" he smiled, "I hope they're able to succeed in making this a good one."

"Wow, you're flattering god now?"

"Hah, I could try, you know?" He smirked, making her chuckle. Natasha leaned in, giving him a small peck on the lips, after which she nestled cozily into comfortness, her head lay on his shoulder, fitting perfectly, two pieces of a puzzle they were, always planned to be just right next to each other.

A/N : Hey guys, so first of all, I am superrr sorry for taking forever. This past month and a half had been really challenging for me and I just couldn't get myself to write somehow. So finally, I've been able to get this done and I am genuinely happy and a little sad too, cause now its over. I just want to say that it has been an amazing journey writing this. Thank you so much to each and every one of you who reviewed. I've realized just how much I enjoy writing over this span of time and I hope I'll be able to indulge in it more often and be able to share it with you guys. Please review! Thank you so much for reading! Love you!

-S