Barba stared at the clock on the kitchen wall. 3:00 already. Time was going by too quickly, and he wished desperately for it to slow down. Huang would be coming in only an hour from now, and Barba was dreading his visit. He knew that Munch was right, 100% right in fact - he had to disclose his deepest and darkest thoughts and secrets to Huang if he were to overcome his painful past. It wasn't going to be easy, but, at least he had taken the first step in healing by telling Munch.

Poor, kind Munch, tolerating me, helping me through this. Barba felt a pang of guilt wash through him. I've unloaded a lot on him and he didn't ask to be thrust into this, this babysitting. He has no obligation to me. How am I ever going to repay him for this? Barba secretly hoped that he and Munch would maintain their newfound friendship when this was all over. Would Munch feel the same way? Barba knew that Munch couldn't very well move in with him permanently, but still he dreaded the day when he would be left alone.

"Huang will be here soon," Munch's voice broke Barba's solitude.

Barba nodded and began unloading the dishwasher. "Would it be ok if you stayed while I talk with him? I mean, if we all talked together?" asked Barba, as he stacked plates in the cupboard. He turned hopefully to Munch.

"Well, I'm not sure. If you want, you can ask Huang when he gets here. Do you think it might be better if you talked to him alone?"

"Can you stay, just for a bit?"

"If Huang says it's ok, then sure."

"I just feel so nervous, like I'm getting panicked again..." Barba couldn't possibly explain how odd it felt to be delving up issues from his childhood. Secrets, that until yesterday, he had kept to himself for years. It hurt, physically and emotionally to talk and think about his father. He had worked so hard to overcome his past, but it was now obvious that his attempts to erase his history had failed miserably. He couldn't make anyone, even Munch, understand that even though his father was dead, he was still breaking his promise to him. Sure his father was now dead, but Barba was consumed with a strange combination of guilt and terror at the thought of telling anyone about what his father had done to him. Barba closed the door to the dishwasher and put away the last of the cutlery. Taking a deep breath he turned and looked at Munch.

"Try to calm yourself."

"I'm ok, just nervous," Barba said, as he sat at the table next to Munch.

"Have you thought about telling Huang about your father?"

"I don't know..." He swallowed hard. "I know I should, but then I think I shouldn't. That's why I wanted you there, to make me." He leaned his chin on his hand. "John, it's so weird. Until I told you, I haven't ever talked about this stuff. It's like something that's so, deep in me, but it's not deep. It doesn't make any sense."

"I know it's confusing. Talking with Huang will help you understand. It'll help you make sense of things. I wouldn't tell you that if I didn't believe it myself."

"I know."

A wave of embarrassment came over Barba as he opened the door for Huang. His face flushed and he avoided looking Huang in the eyes. "Thanks for coming back. I'm sorry about this morning," he mumbled.

"That's ok. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Feeling sheepish, Barba led Huang to the living room. "Is it ok if John stays? Just for a little while?" Barba asked before sitting down.

"Sure, whatever makes you feel comfortable. Is that what you want?"

Barba sat next to Munch on the couch. "Yeah, I think so."

"And what about you John? You're ok with that?"

"That's fine with me. Rafael just needs a bit of moral support right now."

"Ok, Rafael, is there something in particular that you'd like to talk about?"

"Umm... no, not really," he said.

"It could be anything," Huang prodded.

"I don't think so. No."

Munch looked at Huang and then at Barba and said, "Rafael, it's ok. You know you can talk about anything right? We're just here to help."

"I know," Barba said, as his eyes drifted to the ceiling and then to the window.

Huang took a sip of his coffee and studied Barba intently. "Are you that uncomfortable right now that you can't look at anyone?"

"I don't know what to talk about. I'm so fucked up, I don't know where to start."

"Why are you fucked up?"

"I just am."

"But why? Because you were raped?"

"Yeah. Because of that, because of everything. Ask John. He knows."

"I'm asking you Rafael."

Barba shook his head and looked out the window. "Can you tell him, John?"

"Rafael, you can tell him. You told me. Tell George just what you told me."

"Tell me Rafael. It's ok, nothing you say will go past this room."

Barba maintained his stare at the window and rubbed his eyes.

Munch sighed and touched Barba's shoulder and looked at Huang. Barba turned to Munch and buried his face in his hands.

"I want you to say the words," Munch whispered to Barba.

"My dad hurt me," he said, his voice muffled.

"Did you say your dad hurt you?" asked Huang.

"Yeah."

"What happened? Can you tell me about it?"

Barba leaned against the arm of the couch and curled into a ball. He squirmed as horrors from his childhood replayed in his mind.

"What's going on, Rafael? Can you tell me about how your dad hurt you?"

"There," Barba said, pointing to his groin.

"He sexually abused you?"

Barba sat up and nodded. "I don't like to talk about it. I really want to forget it."

"It must be very hard to talk about. So, before you told John, who else did you tell?"

"I didn't tell anyone."

"I have to ask you this, do you still have contact with your father?"

"No, he's dead."

"Do you remember how old you were when the abuse started?"

"I think I was around 8..."

"How old were you when it ended do you remember?"

"Well, until I was 17 I guess."

"No one ever found out what was happening to you?"

"Only John, and now you."

Barba tried his best to remain composed as he told Huang about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father. Talking about it really wasn't making him feel any better at all. It was painful, embarrassing and uncomfortable. Barba responded to Huang's questions with one word answers as often as he could and avoided answering other questions all together.

Huang sensed Barba's discomfort and didn't press the topic too deeply. He followed Barba's lead, focusing on certain issues when he seemed engaged and dropping other topics when he became quiet and distant. After an hour Barba become less and less responsive to Huang's questions and suggestions. He began to fidget, shrug his shoulders and look away instead of speaking. Huang could tell that Barba had had enough for the day.

"Well, Rafael, is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"

"Not really."

"Ok. Well I think we've talked enough for today. Can I come back and talk with you again sometime soon?"

"Sure."

"Alright. Here's my card. You can call me anytime," Huang said, as he stood up and picked up his briefcase.

"Thanks."

Barba followed Huang and Munch to the door and retrieved Huang's coat from the closet.

"Rafael, I mean it. You call me if you need to talk. It's not going to be easy, but it'll get better," Huang said, as Barba passed him his coat.

Barba locked the door and breathed a sigh of relief when Huang left, he was tired of talking.

"How are you feeling?" Munch asked.

"Good."

"Did talking to Huang help?"

"I guess, but I'm so tired of it all. I just can't do it anymore."

"Ok, that's understandable. You've been through so much. You need to get your mind off of things I guess?"

"Yeah, I really do. I wish we could go out or something. I feel so cooped up here. But, I just don't want people staring at me," Barba said as he checked himself out in the hall mirror. "My bruises are still pretty bad."

"Those are going to be faded in a few days. If you're feeling up to it, we can go for lunch or dinner. I'll take you to my favorite restaurant, how does that sound?"

Barba smiled happily for the first time since being attacked. "That sounds great! I really need to get out."

Munch was thrilled at Barba's response. Maybe he's making progress. "Ok, that's great to hear," Munch said. He pulled Barba into a hug and patted his back. Barba stiffened with shock at Munch's sudden move, but quickly relaxed and smiled at Munch's enthusiasm.

"Wow, am I that popular?" Barba asked, laughing for the first time in days. "It's not like I'm some kind of prize."

"Come on, sure you are." Munch smiled and teasingly tousled Barba's hair. Barba blushed and patted Munch's shoulder. In that brief moment, he had forgotten about all of the pain in his life.

Munch was beyond pleased that Barba managed to find humor in something, however minor. It was the first time in since the attack that Barba smiled a genuine smile. That positive moment set the tone for the rest of the day. Barba was able to function without breaking down. He made dinner for them both, and managed to have conversation without drifting away and panicking. Munch knew that this didn't mean that Barba had recovered from the attack, far from it in fact, but it certainly seemed to be a positive sign.

Barba spent the rest of the evening propped up on the couch watching a "Mad Men" marathon and snacking on a bowl of trail mix while Munch started in on the paperwork Benson had brought for him. Like a worried father, he frequently poked his head into the living room to check up on his friend. Barba smiled in appreciation each time Munch popped in on him.

"John," he said, after the third or fourth time Munch checked in. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me, you've done enough babysitting."

"I'm sorry, am I driving you crazy?"

"No." Barba smiled. "I just want you to be able to relax for a change. You have that work to do. You shouldn't have to coddle me."

"I'm done with the paperwork for tonight, and I don't mind coddling you. Everyone needs that once in awhile."

Barba shifted his position on the couch and made room for Munch to sit down beside him.

"How's the pain?"

"It hurts, a lot. It's worse at night or if I move around a lot, but it's better than yesterday. I was going to get a pill, but I'm trying not to take them as often."

"You shouldn't be in pain though, you don't want it to get worse. It's only been a few days, no need to wean off them so soon. Do you want me to get them for you?"

"I can get them," Barba said, getting off the couch. "I have to start doing things for myself."

Barba took his pills and settled back onto the couch and covered himself with a blanket. It wasn't long before Barba's eyes blinked heavily. Passing the remote to Munch and yawning he said, "Those pills make me so tired. I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight. Have a good sleep."

"You too. Goodnight."

A couple of hours later, Barba was crushed when he awoke in panic from his nightmare. Despite the horrible start to his day, he had a good evening, watching TV and keeping his panic at bay. Perhaps he had been foolish or naïve, but he clung to the pleasantness of the evening with a quiet desperation, hoping that the "normalcy" of the evening would carry into the night and following days. It had been too good to be true he thought ruefully as he tried to stifle his sobs. Munch was so happy that things seemed better, and Barba was determined not to let him down. He buried his face in the pillow and held his breath so that Munch wouldn't hear his cries.

On top of his anxiety and fears, Barba felt guilty for making Munch deal with his issues. Munch hadn't asked for any of this either, and there was no way that he could continue to take time away from his own home and life to babysit. Barba was determined to persuade Munch to get back to his own life. To accomplish that, would mean that he would have to hide any further meltdowns and outbursts from him. It wouldn't be easy, but he made up his mind - he would force himself to hide his fears from this moment forward. Besides, burying his issues had mostly worked for him in the past, mostly. It could work for him again. It would have to have to work.

Barba lay in bed gasping as he wiped his eyes, feeling despondent and alone. He saw no possible way for this torture to end, and doubted whether or not his life would ever return to what it was before. He didn't even except to be happy, he had never personified the word, and happy was not a term that anyone would use to describe Rafael Barba. At this moment, he would give anything to have his old, somewhat dour, life back. Tears welled in his eyes as he wished for his normal life, even though his "normal" would probably be fucked up compared to most peoples normal. Still it would be better than what his life had become, he thought. He closed his eyes tight and became frustrated when, sure enough, after a few moments a split second vision of his attacker came before him. Irate with himself, and purposefully ignoring the advice from Huang, he dug his fingernails into his arm until he broke the skin. He didn't care. It was then, that he decided that he would appease both Huang and Munch and pretend that everything was fine and getting much better. Now, all he would have to do is convince them of that.