Kitsune & Panda
By: Sheltie
I don't own Naruto at all
A/N: Wow, 10 chaps in now. It's kind of amazing getting this far really since I'm making this up as I go with no clear path. I'm glad those reading this are enjoying this and hope to keep making more fun chaps of this in the future. So thanks to you all. Also I want to thank those who provided ideas for this. I'm sorry, I can't remember specifically who you are or else I'd mention you. And please keep them coming in, I like reading them and they help me keep this going.
Chapter 10
Yugao stared up at the huge pyramid. She couldn't believe she was even considering this, but after a nice long talk with her boyfriend, Hayate, she decided to give this a shot. So with a deep breath she entered. She amazed by the inside and the lobby. It was lavish, but not in any kind of garish way. It gave off a very warm welcoming feeling, which was a total opposite to what Kitsune was really. Off to the side was a café/restaurant. By the front desk was a sitting area with a love seat, two couches and several comfy chairs. The ceiling looked like it reached the heavens.
"Hello, and welcome to P.O.O.P.O.N.T.H.E.W.O.R.L.D.T.H.E.N.F.L.U.S.H.W.I.T.H.O.U.T.W.I.P.I.N.G. How may I help you?" Karin asked, who was manning the front desk.
"Um yes, I'm here to talk about the Enforcer opening" Yugao said with hesitancy in her voice.
"Ah yes, please fill out this form" Karin said as she handed Yugao a clipboard with form and a pen.
Yugao took the clipboard and went to the sitting area to fill out the forms. She looked through them and found nothing too invasive. Just the typical stuff, but when she got deeper in she hit a questionnaire and they had questions she had never seen before in her life.
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?
Or do you like to go Commando?
Have you ever had a wedgie?
Do you want a wedgie?
Do you want a super wedgie?
Have you ever had a diaper rash?
Can you touch your nose and stick out your tongue?
Can you touch your tongue?
Can you touch your toes?
Are you a mammal?
Can you see your neck?
What's one plus one?
Can you count to ten with your fingers?
Do you believe in UFOs?
Do you believe in IOUs?
Do you have two eyes?
Do you have ten fingers?
Do you have ten toes?
Do you have two legs?
Do you have two arms?
Do you have one head?
Do you have two ears?
Do you have one nose?
Do you have one mouth?
Are you bilingual or are you bisexual?
These were just some of the inane, stupid or irreverent questions on the forms, which were several pages. Yugao was even wondering if this was even real. She got up and went back to Karin.
"Is this a joke?" she asked.
"Hm, no, that's the official forms I assure you" Karin said in a very professional tone.
Yugao sighed and nodded. She went back to the sitting area and filled everything out no matter how dumb they are. Once done she came back and handed the forms back to Karin.
"Okay, thank you. If you wait and the one who will interview you will be right with you" Karin said.
Yugao nodded.
It didn't take long and soon Kitsune appeared though it actually was a clone since the real Kitsune had other stuff he wanted to do. He was dressed sharply in a blue suit looking quite professional.
"Miss Uzuki?" he asked.
Yugao eyed Kitsune wondering why he was dressed in that get-up, but shrugged it off.
"Yes" she said.
"Ah, come with me" Kitsune said.
She followed Kitsune til they got to a room, which was labeled 'Interview room 1'. Once inside they took seats with Kitsune behind the desk and Yugao in front of the desk.
"Right, I've read the forms you've filled and I looked at the records from the Konoha archive. Yugao Uzuki, early thirties, an active kunoichi. A member of Anbu with the code name Neko" Kitsune said.
"How'd you get that?" Yugao asked suspiciously.
"Shoddy locks" Kitsune said casually.
Yugao frowned. She'd have to report this to the Hokage.
"Now, I have no problem with you being employed as a ninja for the village. Hell, it makes so cool being kind of like a double agent or some shit like that" Kitsune said with a grin.
Yugao said nothing.
"Right, well now getting serious" Kitsune said as Yugao noticed his posture change. "To accept this job you must be prepared to do whatever command I give you no matter how stupid you think they are. I only accept loyalty that can be bought and nothing else."
"As long as I don't have to catch a stupid cat then we'll be good" Yugao said.
"Right, no Tora missions or Super Tora missions" Kitsune said.
Super Tora Yugao thought.
The rest of the interview went well for Yugao and she became the second Enforcer to join P.O.O.P.O.N.T.H.E.W.O.R.L.D.T.H.E.N.F.L.U.S.H.W.I.T.H.O.U.T.W.I.P.I.N.G. though Yugao still was questioning herself as to why she joined in the first place. But she did get a good health plan that even covered her boyfriend. Not to mention she got a bonus for joining. Plus she was allowed to keep what she usually wore just like Anko.
"How will you contact me if you need me?" Yugao asked.
"Eh, I'll figure out something. Always do" Kitsune said in a blasé tone.
Yugao just sighed, which she somehow sensed she'll be doing a lot in her new job.
Kitsune then took the forms Yugao had done and tossed them in the shredder that wasn't there before.
/Scene Break/
Hinata Hyuga was in a bit of a quandary really. Her crush Naruto was no more. She knew that since she knew all about Naruto and Kitsune. She had to from all of her stalk- observing of the blond. But now with Kitsune seem to be in full control she wondered if her precious Naruto would ever return. She had tried to think of ways to change Kitsune back into Naruto, but none seemed to work. It irked her too that Kitsune was infatuated with Tenten and now with Hana. What about her? So she decided to get with Kitsune since it would be the only way to be with Naruto, but how was the question.
"Sister, what are you thinking about?" Hanabi asked.
Hinata blinked and turned to her sister.
"Nothing Hanabi" she said.
Hanabi looked at Hinata like she was trying to see through her sister without use of her Byakugan. It didn't take long for Hinata to crack and spilled her guts.
"Leave it to me sis, I'll get this Kitsune to notice you" Hanabi said confidently.
"Why are you helping me Hanabi?" Hinata asked.
"I need something to do. All those lessons from the elders and the academy can get boring" Hanabi said.
Hinata smiled.
/Scene Break/
Hanabi began her investigation by spying on Kitsune. Sure, she's seen and heard about him, but mostly ignored him. But now she had to pay attention.
"So, who are we spying on?"
"Some guy my sister likes" Hanabi said.
"Huh, must be a looker, right?"
"Maybe, I really don't see it at all. She's been infatuated with this Naruto Uzumaki for like forever and then he changed into this Kitsune person. Finally Hinata finally decided to be with this Kitsune so she could be close to Naruto" Hanabi said summarizing her sister's situation.
"So where does this bring you in?"
"I volunteered to help her in this endeavor" Hanabi said.
"I see, you're a kind sister."
"Yeah" Hanabi said then turned to see it was Kitsune she was talking to. She yelped and jumped back.
"Wow, such a little firecracker" Kitsune commented.
"What, don't call me that" Hanabi said with a red face.
"Eh, then what should I call you?" Kitsune asked.
"My name" Hanabi said.
"But that's so boring and mundane" Kitsune whined.
My sister awants to be with this guy? Hanabi thought.
"So Firecracker" Kitsune began.
"I told you not to call me that" Hanabi snarled.
"Whoa, I lit the fuse. Cool" Kitsune said with a grin.
Hanabi growled and attacked. Kitsune twirled away.
"Feisty" he commented.
"Stay still!" Hanabi shouted as she tried to take down Kitsune's chakra points.
"An adult, I need an adult" Kitsune cried as Hanabi kept up her assault.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" Hanabi shouted.
Hana heard the call and ran and found this. She just stared. What could she do really? She had never seen this before. Here was Kitsune dodging and evading all of Hanabi's furious palm strikes as he kept crying out that he needed an adult and that Hanabi was trying to do a bad touch on him. All the while the young Hyuga kept trying to silence Kitsune.
"Oh hey Dog Maiden" Kitsune greeted as he kept evading Hanabi's strikes.
"Kitsune, what's going on here?" Hana asked.
Kitsune then explained the whole thing as he kept up his evasive dance.
Hana sighed, she like pretty much the rest of the village knew of Hinata's massive crush on Naruto. It was pretty much one of Konoha's worst kept secrets.
"Kitsune, what are you going to do?" she asked.
"Eh, why does it have to be me?" Kitsune whined.
"Hinata loves you, well, Naruto. So you have to do something" Hana said.
"Fine, fine" Kitsune grumbled.
He then returned his attention to Hanabi who was tiring. He pulled her to him, which made the young Hyuga blush madly.
"Let us fly!" he cried.
"Kitsune, you can't fly" Hana sighed.
"Huh, are you sure?" Kitsune asked looking a Hana like a child who was told that Santa wasn't real for the first time.
"Yes, I'm sure" Hana said.
"Darn, I thought I could. I had such an awesome cape too" Kitsune grumbled.
"Can you let go of me then?" Hanabi asked as she struggled to get out of Naruto's hold.
"Eh, why Firecracker?" Kitsune asked.
"Stop calling me that!" Hanabi shouted.
"There, there Firecracker" Kitsune said as he patted her head.
This made Hanabi blush, but in anger than embarrassment. She tried to shove Kitsune away, but couldn't.
"Kitsune, Hinata" Hana said.
"Right, right" Kitsune said. He then let go of Hanabi and went for his bag of goodies. He dug around then pull out a portable black hole.
"Here we go" he said as he threw the hole onto the ground and it stuck. He then grabbed Hanabi and dragged her down.
"LET ME GOOOOOOOOOO!" the Hyuga cried.
Hana sighed as she shook her head. She decided to keep watch over the hole til Kitsune came back. Who knows who might accidentally fall in or come out if left unguarded.
/Scene Break/
Hinata sat in her room thinking and hoping.
"YO!"
Hinata let out a surprised scream as she was startled. She fell off her bed she was sitting on. Kitsune appeared out of the other hole that randomly appeared in the wall of Hinata's room. He came through tugging Hanabi along.
"We're never doing that again" Hanabi said with great irritation.
"So I made a few wrong turns" Kitsune said casually.
Hanabi just glared at Kitsune. They ended up popping out of several holes before appearing in the right one, in Hinata's room. Some of those places she never wanted to see again. She'd have some nightmares thanks to that. Like one where she actually saw her parents creating her. No child should ever see that.
"N-n-n-n-n-n-Naruto, H-h-h-h-h-Hanabi?" Hinata asked.
"Um, hi sister" Hanabi said with a wave.
"Hey, how you doin'?" Kitsune asked in a Joey Tribbiani fashion.
Hinata blushed at this as Hanabi rolled her eyes.
"Hinata, can we talk?" Kitsune asked.
Hinata nodded her head shyly.
"Right, later Firecracker" Kitsune said.
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Hanabi shouted.
Kitsune took Hinata's hand making the poor girl go bright tomato. He led her through the black hole.
/Scene Break/
Hana saw Kitsune emerge with Hinata in tow. Once out Kitsune peeled the black hole off the ground and stuck it back into his rucksack.
"Right, where should we talk?" he asked.
"Why not back in Pyramidas?" Hana suggested.
"Awwww, but I just got here. I don't want to walk any more" Kitsune whined.
"Just use that black hole thing again" Hana said.
"Are you crazy?!" Kitsune exclaimed like Hana just told him that Cher and the Rolling Stones were going to do a duet together.
"What, you used it before" Hana said confused.
"Yeah, but it's no longer funny if I use it a second time so close to the first. For it to have comedic affect it must be used when the time is right" Kitsune said.
"You only used it for comedic affect?" Hana asked unable to comprehend the concept.
"Well yeah, doesn't everybody" Kitsune said like it should be obvious.
"Fine" Hana said.
"Um, there's a small café nearby" Hinata said speaking up for the first time.
"Huh, okay there" Kitsune said.
Hana shrugged.
"Whatever, you two go and talk. I'm off" she said.
"What? You're joining us Dog Maiden?" Kitsune asked with disappointment.
"This is between you two. Nothing to do with me" Hana said.
Kitsune pouted.
In the café Kitsune and Hinata sat. Hinata was nervous, so nervous that she couldn't say a word. Heck, it was a real struggle to even order. She was with Naruto, her crush. Yes, she knew it was Kitsune, but still it was Naruto to her in a way.
"Alright, I guess we best get down to business" Kitsune said.
"Y-y-yes" Hinata said.
"Look Hinata, I know you have a hard on for me" Kitsune said.
Hinata squeaked as her cheeks went bright red as her imagination went wild. A bit of blood leaked out of her nose.
"Huh, you're just a big perv huh Hinata. I bet you checked out under my hood whenever you could with those eyes of yours" Kitsune said wiggling his eyebrows.
Hinata wanted to deny it, but couldn't since she had and knew Naruto/Kitsune was the biggest in her entire class. Not that she avidly looked at the others, but her curiosity got the better of her. She never saw one before and wanted to know if they were all that big or if Naruto/Kitsune was the exception. It turned out to be the latter. That and she was a big pervert too.
"Hmm, so many possibilities" Kitsune pondered.
"K-k-k-kitsune" Hinata stuttered out.
"Hinata, I have no feelings like you have for Naruto. Heck, Naruto doesn't even know you liked him like that. He's too thickheaded to understand those kinds of things as of yet and you'd have to wait for him to figure it out" Kitsune said.
Hinata's first instinct was to defend Naruto, but then she heard the rest and had to agree with Kitsune. All of her own spying told her the same.
"Look, you're a good girl Hinata. You've got a hot bod with a crackin' rack that would make Pam Anderson jealous. Just you're not right for me" Kitsune said.
Hinata slumped at this though her cheeks were bright red at Kitsune's comments about her body even though she had no clue who this Pam person was.
"But I will offer you my friendship" Kitsune said.
"Y-y-y-y-you will?" Hinata asked.
"Sure, Naruto is friends with you so why shouldn't I" Kitsune said.
"Thank you, Kitsune" Hinata said feeling a bit better.
"No problem. Now as a gift of our new friendship here" Kitsune said as he pulled something out of his sack.
Hinata took it and looked at it. It was a silver wristwatch.
"What is this?" she asked.
"A communicator. Call me if you're ever in trouble and I'll come in to save you" Kitsune said.
Hinata nodded and put it on her wrist. She was sad that she wouldn't be with her crush, but was glad she now had a friend who'd come to her aid.
/Scene Break/
Tenten was feeling good now with completing a few missions with her team. Sure, they drove her nuts, but she was back in her groove.
"YOSH, ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL MISSION. ONCE AGAIN OUR GLORIOUS FLAMES OF YOUTH PREVAIL!" Guy shouted.
"Yes Guy sensei, I can feel my youthful flames burning within me. I'm about to be flamin'" Lee said excitedly.
"That's the spirit Lee, we must let out the Springtime of Youth out for all to see. We must be all aflame!" Guy said.
"Guy sensei!"
"Lee!"
"Guy sensei!"
"Lee!"
"Guy sensei!"
"Lee!"
The two embraced and once again they were naked as a sunset appeared with waves crashing upon the rocks with bad porno music playing in the background. Thankfully they weren't any people since they were on the road, but several animals nearby fell over with seizures and some birds fell out of the sky.
Tenten averted her eyes and muttered a few curse words. She'd have a talk with Kitsune when she got back.
/Scene Break/
"What the hell is wrong with this damn cat?" a genin asked tiredly.
"I don't know" the second genin said panting.
"The thing has to be possessed or something" the third genin said.
Even the jounin sensei was confused since the Tora mission they took was different. Tora was always hard to catch, but recently Tora has become down right impossible really. It took the genin teams longer and longer each outing. They'd be on this one mission for days sometimes weeks even. It was getting bad that there was talk of upgrading the Tora mission from D to C maybe.
This Tora seemed to have hyper speed as it dashed around you could actually see its after image. Then the fact that this Tora would constantly taunt its chaser with quite obscene gestures. It really got on the nerves of all who went after the cat. That and the fact in those after images of Tora it looked like it had rocket boosters, but that had to be an optical illusion, right?
/Scene Break/
Sasuke was in prison sulking. He was so close leaving the village then that idiot had to stop him and he ended up right here.
"Yo Emo Duck."
Sasuke looked up and growled as he saw Kitsune.
"What do you want idiot?" he asked with a deadly glare.
"Just wanted to let you know I signed you up for a dating website" Kitsune said.
"What is that?" Sasuke asked confused.
"Yeah, it's Prison Matchmaker or something. You can not believe how many chicks are desperate for a guy that they'd go for one doing time" Kitsune said.
He then showed Sasuke's profile.
"What the hell is that on my eyes?" Sasuke asked.
"Oh that, I thought your look needed spicing up so I added the teardrops there" Kitsune said.
"Remove that" Sasuke growled.
"Aww, why? You've already gotten tons of hits. Just take a look" Kitsune said.
Sasuke growled as he was forced to watch every girl that liked his profile and wanted to meet him to those who wanted a conjugal visit.
/Scene Break/
Meanwhile in a council meeting Tsunade was smirking. She knew what Kitsune had done and been doing lately. Ever since Danzo had been ordering his Root to capture Kitsune he's been in innumerous incidents. All of them having his rump injured. So much so he was forced to sit on a donut. Whenever the leader of Root moved in his seat you'd hear the rubbery friction, it echoed loudly in the council room.
/Scene Break/
"Kitsune, I want you to remove whatever you did to Guy and Lee" Tenten said.
"Awwww, but their brojob is in like total full bloom" Kitsune said pouting.
"Kitsune please, they're driving me crazy and the number of people in the hospital for trying to claw their eyes out or collapsing and having seizures just keeps increasing" Tenten said. "I've even heard that wildlife have been affected too."
"Huh, I didn't think that could happen. Cool" Kitsune said. "Hm, fine, but now I need to think of something else."
Tenten was relieved though a bit fearful at what Kitsune might do as a change.
/Scene Break/
Kiba wasn't happy. His sister was living with a nutcase and his mom was over the moon about it. He decided he had to do something about it. So he went to Pyramidas to challenge Kitsune.
"Hey loser!"
Karin, who was at the front desk, looked up to see Kiba and then went back to her magazine she was reading. Kiba growled at the disrespect he was getting. He stomped over to the front desk.
"Where's that loser?" he asked.
"Who are you and do you have an appointment?" Karin asked in a snooty tone.
"Me, I'm the guy who is going to kick that loser's ass" Kiba said.
"I'm sorry, but I don't see your name. Please leave" Karin said faux politely.
"No way, not until I kick that loser's ass" Kiba said.
Karin sighed as she opened her rucksack for the first time. She rummaged through it and found what she was looking for. She then pulled out the Megaton Hammer. She then bashed Kiba in the head. This made Kiba get driven into the ground like a nail leaving only his head.
"You have been warned, please leave" she said.
"OW! What the hell?!" Kiba yelled as he struggled to get out.
"Please leave before you get another warning" Karin said.
Kiba growled as he finally was able to remove himself. He stood firm not budging an inch. Karin put the hammer back and pulled out a pair of rusty hedge trimmers. This made Kiba's eyes widened seeing this.
"Last chance before you get your last warning" Karin said as she opened and closed the rusty garden tool.
Kiba sensing a possible danger to his manhood ran away.
/Scene Break/
Another group of Root nin were on a mission to kidnap Kitsune. The other teams have all failed. Danzo was of course quite displeased with each failure. And with each failure he was pranked and each prank targeted his rump til he feared sitting for the fear of the chair collapsing or becoming a cactus or igniting low-grade explosive tags. Like stated before he's gone to sitting on a donut since his butt has yet to fully heal from all the assaults.
The Root nin finally found Kitsune and were prepared to take him.
"Hey" Kitsune greeted with a wide smile.
This put the Root nin on edge. They knew what had happened to the other teams and didn't want to share their fate.
"Boy, One-eye the Cripple is really a one trick pony if he keeps sending his peons after me like this. Now what should I do to you, hmmm?" Kitsune pondered.
The Root nin began to sweat. Sure they were brainwashed to be emotionless puppets, but somehow Kitsune destroyed all that programming since their fear was a built in fear that all humans have and couldn't get rid of.
"Ah, I got it" Kitsune said with a grin.
Later the Root nin were found huddled in a corner all muttering about sheep and wolves.
/Scene Break/
"Loser, what did you do to Sasuke!?" Sakura shouted.
Kitsune looked up from his crossword puzzle.
"Eh" he responded.
"What did you do to Sasuke?" Sakura growled.
"Set him up with a ton of dozen desperate women who have a thing for convicts" Kitsune said.
Sakura blinked. Now she didn't know this. She wanted to know why the idiot put her precious Sasuke in jail.
"You did what" she said stunned.
"Yeah, you would not believe how women out there are desperate enough for love that they would do a convict. Heh, Emo Duck's swimming in them now" Kitsune said, "I wonder how they do visits in ninja prison?"
Sakura's eye twitched. No girl would get to her Sasuke before her. She dashed away with more speed and energy than she ever had before.
"I wonder if I should tell her she's going in the wrong direction?" Kitsune asked aloud. He then shrugged and went back to his crossword, which was blank. He just wanted to make it look like he was doing it.
/Scene Break/
Kiba finally was back at it. He decided to not go back to where that crazy girl was with those rusty shears, but he was still going to beat Naruto.
"LOSER!"
Kitsune looked up and looked around then went back to what he was doing. Eating ramen. The Naruto part of him was craving in and though Kitsune liked it, but wasn't as obsessed like his Naruto half. He was more of a yakisoba kind of guy himself. Well that was today, it might change tomorrow.
Kiba growled not happy that the loser didn't respond to him. He stomped over and grabbed Kitsune pulling him away from his ramen and off his stool. Those who saw this scattered afraid of what was bound to happen.
"Eh, what's up Flea Circus?" Kitsune asked casually.
"What did you do to my sister?" Kiba asked.
Kitsune squinted.
"You have a sister?" he asked.
"Of course I do. Hana!" Kiba shouted letting spittle fly.
"Say it, don't spray it Flea Circus. And as to my Dog Maiden. What she and I do is none of your business" Kitsune said.
Kiba growled. He was going to was going to show this loser who was top dog. He reared his fist back and hurled it right at Kitsune.
"Moon Neko" Kitsune called.
Yugao blinked as she suddenly appeared. She had no clue what was going on. She was just resting after training in an Anbu training ground and then ended up here. She did see what was happening and grabbed Kiba's fist stopping him from punching Kitsune.
"What's going on here?" she asked calmly.
"Excellent timing Moon Neko" Kitsune said appearing out of Kiba's grip and sitting back on the stool slurping his ramen.
"What the, how'd you get there?" Kiba asked angry and confused. Something an Inuzuka really hated to be.
"I walked" Kitsune said then turned to Yugao, "Flea Circus tried to assault me. So do a code 14 on him."
Yugao furrowed her brow at this. After her interview Kitsune gave her a rule book and there were codes in it. She then remembered what code 14 was.
"Are you sure?" she asked slowly.
"Yup, it will give him a sense of accomplishment" Kitsune said.
"Fine, but I better get something for this" Yugao said not pleased with what she was ordered to do.
"No problem, I always generously award my minions when they've done a job well done" Kitsune said.
Kiba was found later walking gingerly and not feeling good at all. A code 14 was to give the attacker an enema. Yugao for her reward got tickets to a luxury spa for her and her boyfriend.
End of Chapter
A/N: I thought it was time to do something about the whole Hinata thing since I know that would be asked by one of my readers so I decided to nip in the bud. Thanks for reading and please review.