AN: Warning! This is lemony. LOOK AWAY from the fic if your eyes are too young and innocent for two adults in the shower. And yes, I do watch Archer. ;)

Royai Collection

Chapter 9

Slippery When Wet

aka that Time Roy went down on Riza in the Shower

Riza let the warm water beat down on her back after she finished rinsing off her hair. She took a sniff of her hair and wondered if it would be obvious that she was using Roy's conditioner. His hair never really had a fragrance so she hoped it wouldn't be a give away that she spent the night with him. It was the little things that help them from being caught and she was a little annoyed that he didn't replenish her conditioner when he went shopping. It was good he had such a prestigious position and paycheck, this damned conditioner he used cost five times what it should. Then again, his hair was nothing short of perfection.

She heard the door to the bathroom creak open and groaned. "Roy, we've already talked about how showering together doesn't work. You just grope and fondle me and it's impossible to get clean together in here."

Roy peaked around the shower curtain and smiled. "I wasn't going to suggest we get clean. I have nothing but dirty thoughts."

She couldn't even open her mouth in time to say 'No', as he was already in the shower with her and kissing her neck. "Why are you so determined to prove sex in the shower is a viable option?"

Roy ran his hands over her hips and squeezed her butt cheeks, still slick with conditioner runoff from her hair. "I already proved multiple orgasms were a very viable option and you once told me that was pure fiction."

She looked at that grin, that playful smile, and realized that rational thinking just wasn't in his head right now. All he was thinking about was that doujinshi he was looking at the other day. "The next time you're ordered to burn confiscated materials of the pornographic variety, you better not read them first."

He smiled and kissed her nose and then her lips. "I put those non-slip things on the shower floor."

"Which is why you forgot to buy my conditioner."

"Style or Safety? Which one do you want me to prioritize?" He bent down to nibble on her ear, getting the shower spray in the face to drown out her reply.

"It's still not going to work." She jabbed her thumb into his rib cage to get his attention. "Roy, this is just stupid. One of us is going to end up hurt and I am not going to get turned on because I'll be thinking of all the ways you're going to end up injured in this process."

He slid around her and let the water hit his back instead of hers. Then his hands rolled over her breasts and squeezed, thumbs delicately stroking her nipples and he rubbed his erection against her already slippery ass cheek. "Just because I'm wet doesn't make me useless."

She gasped as his right hand quickly rolled over her abdomen and slipped between her legs. "Roy, you're going to get hurt."

"I've been practicing." He mumbled into her ear. "I know exactly how to position you for maximum stability. If your back is against the wall, one leg wrapped around me and one on the floor, I can put both hands on the wall and use these no-slip dolphin things under my feet to thrust against. I got this."

"That's not going to…" She felt her body tremble as his damned talented fingers slipped inside of her, his thumb rolling gently over her clit and his damned voice doing the rest of the work. His fucking voice. Roy could read the regulation manual to her in that tone and she would be uncomfortably wet in less than five minutes. Damn him. His fingers were removed and he drug them back up her folds, making her more than aware of how aroused she was by his attempt at the impossible. Shower sex. It was like playing twister on a vertical surface while standing on ice. Even once you found a position that didn't endanger your life, it wasn't the right combination to get a penis anywhere near the desired opening. Shower sex.

"Not going to what?" He asked, voice drenched with amusement and arousal. He was practically purring in her ear as her body reacted to every move of his hand.

"Why isn't this good enough?" She asked and his finger slipped inside of her again, this time meeting no resistance as he had thoroughly worked her up.

He bit his lip as he almost said, 'Well this isn't a challenge' but thought better of it immediately. "I want this, pretty bad."

"Reality is nowhere near porn." She squeaked and he took his hand away. He relocated both hands to her hips and turned her to face him. "This is just dangerous."

"Riza…" He whispered and pushed her up against the shower wall. "Welcome to the dangerzone."

She should have just ended it there, that should have been enough to turn her off and get her out of the shower. She could just throw him a bottle of lotion and tell him to take care of it himself, but no. She loved this dork and all the stupid fire puns and inappropriate comments that he made. So when he put his hands on the wall beside her and positioned himself just as he had 'practiced' she smiled back at that triumphant grin and let him give her a kiss.

"See, I'll just have to squat a little and you'll be able to just sit down on me and I can…" He tried to situate himself as he had planned but having another body in the shower was showing him that his battle plan wasn't going to work. As always, it was hard to get a feel for the situation until you were on the field. Shit! If he showed weakness now she'd be out of the shower in an instant. She he took his hands off the wall and put them on her hips, under the guise of trying to re-position her, and he moved his foot forward further. Then he forgot that the slip-free dolphins weren't everywhere on the floor. The ones that he 'porpoise-fully positioned' for his prior plan, no longer under his bare feet. There was something between him and the tile though, his conditioner. That marvel of modern hair care products that helped him maintain his fucking fabulous hair now coated his floor and foot, as well as his hand and Riza's hip. That wonderful product that had to be made partially out of Teflon and magic harvested from the souls of unicorns finally let him down.

Riza watched the disaster from the safety of the dolphin applique. Roy's foot went up first, his weight being oddly distributed didn't help matters any. Then his hand slipped right off her hip like it was painted with silicon. What happened next was a tangled mess of limbs and naked Roy hitting the ledge of the shower stall with his head first. Somehow she managed to stay standing as crumbled onto the shower floor and she watched him sit up and blood start gushing from a wound on his forehead. Blood, poured off him and started circling the drain like some epic scene out of a horror film.

"And now you go to the hospital for stitches." Riza shook her head and leaned over him to turn off the shower. "Why do you never listen to me?"

"I was listening to your body, and it said…'Yes Roy, take me against the shower wall like you've been day dreaming about doing for the last week.'" he flinched as she pushed back his sopping wet hair and looked at the injury.

"You need to start thinking with the right head."

"They both are throbbing right now." He whined and sat up. "Fuck. Does it really need stitches?"

"Yes." She stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. "So come up with a story on how this happened or I'm telling the ER doctor you went down on me in the shower."

He looked up at her with his apologetic puppy dog eyes as she threw a towel at him. "Well…I might have gone down…but that's…not really a funny play on words considering the circumstances."

"I told you this was going to happen." She grunted and left the bathroom to go get dressed.

"Riza?" Roy looked at the towel covered in blood. "They have those old people shower seats in the hospital showers. I bet I can make that work."

"No!" She hollered. "Get dressed or I'm calling your mother and telling her to take you to the hospital!"

"Well, no reason to do that." He crawled out of the shower and over to the vanity, then stood up and looked at his head. Shit! That was going to leave a scar. "I don't need a lecture on sex positions, I already have a headache."

"What does the sign say in the bathroom at Christmas's?"

"All employees must hands before going back to work?" He patted off his head and stuck a band-aid over the gash to try and keep the skin together and stop the flow of blood so he could get dressed without looking like he just participated in a massacre.

"No!" She came back to the bathroom, dressed and toweling off her hair. "No sex in the shower! It even has one of those OSHA safety drawings to illustrate exactly what just happened. You grew up there Roy, you looked at that little stick figure man bent in half with his neck snapped every damned day. So why did I just have to look at that mess in your own shower?"

"Because it was hot." He mumbled. "Sorry Riza."

"Honey, how many times do I have to tell you duct tape is not a band-aid? She slapped him on the ass and said, "Sit down on the toilet and I'll wrap your stupid head so you don't drip blood all over your apartment."

"Sorry." He pouted and sat down. So much for shower sex. Ever again.