Harry ascended the stairs to the girls' dormitories, when a smear of blood on the wall caught his eye. His pace quickened as he sensed danger, and he took the stairs two at a time. Harry was pleased to note the stairs no longer transfigured into a slide in his presence. Harry made a mental note to thank Sev later. As he reached the first floor, he noticed a puddle of blood outside the first door on the left. Harry scanned the corridor for other signs of Hermione's presence before opening the door.
A wave of acrid stench engulfed his nostrils, and Harry had to fight the urge to gag. What lay inside the door was the stuff of nightmares. Mangled bodies laid tossed about the room, organs and limbs strewn in all directions. As Harry stepped into the room a loose piece of flesh peeled off of the roof and fell onto his thick crop of jet black hair. Harry's face screwed up in disgust, although as he caught himself in the mirror, Harry noticed it was not unlike his O face.
Hermione had gone too far. This went beyond personal. These girls were innocent. Hagrid had committed adultery and Angelina Johnson had kind of been a bitch, but these girls were innocent. Harry had to stop her.
As he hurried down the dormitory stairs, Harry began considering possible locations for Hermione's lair. The Forbidden Forest? Too dangerous, and Harry knew Hermione was convinced the Forest was a Jewish plot to hide their immense wealth. Underneath the Whomping Willow was unlikely: Hermione hated that place. Harry opened his Marauder's Map and scanned it for Hermione. He found her standing in Moaning Murtle's bathroom. That's weird... Wait! What if Hermione is using her new found trouser snake to gain entrance into the Chamber of Secrets?! Of course.
Harry hurried along the passages of Hogwarts, arriving at Moaning Murtle's bathroom in approximately 15 minutes. He was making good time. Harry ran to the bathroom sinks, but the dark tunnel was already exposed. Hermione and her Trojan wang were already inside. Harry hoped for the best and jumped in.
As Harry careened down Hogwarts' intricate sewer system, he realise that he had forgotten the overwhelming stench of shit that belonged to the Chamber of Secrets. Harry's nostrils burned. He landed on the pile of bones at the bottom of the sewer pipe. After his eyes became adjusted to the darkness, Harry saw some disturbing images. Great phalluses had been drawn all over the walls in blood. This work was definitely Hermione's own, and had been sealed with a permanent sticking charm. Hermione's artistic ability ranged from clumsy to masterful, obviously documenting her descent into wangmania.
Harry continued down the dark and dingy corridor, mentally preparing himself for the great battle he knew was ahead.
At the end of the Chamber, Harry spied a hooded figure standing against the wall, shrouded in shadows. Hermione had recarved the face of Salazar Slytherin into the tip of a penis. She obviously hadn't slept in weeks. Harry felt himself both disgusted and turned on. Gah, this vagina can be a nuisance, Harry thought.
"I wanted you to come" said a voice from behind him. A cold, clammy hand gripped the scruff of Harry's neck while her great todger grew hard and poked him in the small of his back. The battle had begun.
"Fuck you bitch, I'll do what I want!" Harry spat back, grabbing the tip of her penis and wrenching it downwards. Hermione spun away and began to furiously rub her skin flute. It grew rapidly and Harry's eyed widened. He was impressed.
"You've grown powerful" Harry remarked, nodding with satisfaction. This was an enemy worth fighting. He dropped his pants, revealing his new cockpit.
Hermione paused. He'd taken her by surprise.
In a split second they were on each other. Cock stabbing and slicing, vajayjay lunging and biting. Harry took a running jump and lept into the air, his legs spread eagled. Hermione could do little but stare in horror as Harry's crotch honed in on her face, its ghastly teeth gnashing. At the last moment, Hermione feigned left and Harry's vicious vagina went crashing to the floor. He spun around on his bum to face his enemy. A bead of sweat trickled down Hermione's temple. They were an even match. Wands lay forgotten in a shallow pool of dank water nearby.
Harry got to his feet. Hermione ran at him and attempting to deliver a kung-fu kick to his coochi. Harry lifted his leg to block and all of a sudden, the two were locked together in a scissoring battle. Genital clashed with genital as each tried to best the other. Hermione wrenched a clump of jet black pubes from Harry's nethers, eyes wide and bloodshot with fury. Harry howled in pain, then threw his head forward and bit Hermione's nose off. A stream of hot, steaming blood hit Harry in the face. That was the least sexy liquid that had squirted on him in awhile. He spat the chewy cartilage back in Hermione's eyes, temporarily blinding her, before taking another chunk out of her left cheek. The flesh made impact with a meaty thunk.
Harry gave Hermione a blood stained smile. Unfortunately, this was the moment Hermione needed to recompose herself. She put her hands up Harry's shirt and gave him the most excruciating nipple gripple he had ever experienced. She twisted his nipples off and threw them to the floor. Harry thought all was lost, but then he felt the comforting chill of a skeletal hand on his shoulder. Harry turned and saw Snape's waxy face smiling down at him. Harry was blinded by pain, but Snape's devotion gave him the strength to carry on. Snape won't care about my nipples, Harry thought. At that moment, his meat curtains enveloped Hermione's tallywacker. A sickening crunch filled the room and a blinding light erupted from the two mashing crotches. Harry felt Hermione go limp and fall into his arms, all traces of her mighty third leg vanished for good.
Harry cradled her bloody body in his lap, feeling the life go out of her. She suddenly opened her eyes and stared up at Harry.
"Oh... Harry... is it true? Did it all actually happen?" She murmured softly.
"No Hermione, it was all just a bad dream." Harry told her, smiling a crimson smile of reassurance.
"I was... so afraid... I'm so... so sleepy, Harry..." Hermione rasped, trailing off as the last of her lifeforce trickled onto the stone floor beneath her in one last haemorrhage.
"Oh Hermione..." Harry whispered, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. He felt a twinge of annoyance at how much Hermione had bled over his new Top Shop chinos.
Harry looked around for Snape, but there was nobody else in the room with him. Snape was his guardian angel.
He unsteadily rose to his feet, cradling the holes that used to be his nipples. He took one last rattling breath, then turned to leave the Chamber for a second time. The skeleton of the great basilisk lay there still, impassive to the scene of brutality and triumph that had occurred before it. Now, Hermione's bones would join it for all eternity, but not her boner.