Hours of my delicate spidery handwriting looking up at me and I got nothing. Well, that is sort of the half truth of it. I learned a lot of things, like how to control my lightning or that it wasn't the only element at my control. I could summon weather on command, I could heal, and the potions. There seemed to be no limit on the magic that these books held. The problem was that I had wrote them in a language I no longer knew how to read. It was still English, but that didn't mean I knew what windershins was. I sighed and closed the book. Maybe there was an "Everybody Poops" only for magic I could pick up.
"No dude don't… Just let it brew. They we can play." Emmett's voice carried despite being quieted. "Why, she is really upset." Jasper argued back. "Well I am not sure you calming her all the time is really helping things Jazz." Alice said softly. "Exactly, so just let it brew, we will take her out to play, and she could cheer up the old fashioned way." Emmett spoke. "Well it could be very conducive to her recovery to do something that familiar." Carlisle spoke for the first time. Great I was the talk to the house. "She can hear us you know." Edward said smugly. I had to remember that Edward could do that. In all my drama I just kept forgetting.
I came from the bed and opened the door and went down the stairs. "I don't think I am up for potions, I can't brew anything." I said apologetically. "Oh no, we are fine on potions. Hailey is taking care of that. You taught her well. Not as strong as yours but they are effective. We were speaking of the storm." Carlisle smiled at me. "Storm?" I asked my brow raised. "Yes. Your control is no longer what is was. It seems your mood left unchecked has brought a storm to us." Esme smiled. Great, my little depression was about to rain all over us.
"No Vander , it is a good thing. It means we can play baseball. The thunder booms will sound the same as our bat." Edward smiled. "So…" I didn't know where this was going. "It means we are going to have a family game night. Honestly you have purposely done this a million. Nothing to worry about." Rosalie smiled at me. Bella rubbed my back in small comforting circles. Edward looked worried and I raised my brow. "Don't Edward." Bella said sharply. "Don't what?" I asked.
"She should know." He shrugged. "Well not now she shouldn't." Esme shook her head. "No, she needs to be motivated to get her control back. I was there, you guys only saw the pictures." he defended. "Later Edward." Carlisle said in a soft but commanding way. Whatever they knew it was clear they didn't want me to know. We filed out of the house and I noticed that as we ran they were careful to put someone between Edward and me.
Suddenly everyone stopped running including me, as if my feet knew this place. I felt my face break into a grin, as if it knew I had lots of good memories in this place. "Ok boys versus girls!" Alice giggled. "I'll keep score." Esme offered. Rain started to pour but it didn't matter, I took the pitcher's mound and threw the ball at Emmett. He connected with a deafening crack and sent the ball soaring. Alice ran and we could all easily see she had caught the ball. "Out!" Esme called loudly. I grinned and Bella bumped her hip against my own in victory. "Oh it's a little too soon to celebrate!" Jasper laughed.
Vampires playing baseball makes the nine innings go a lot faster. "Oh yeah, Vand you still got that arm." Rosalie grinned at me after we won. "You guys cheated." Emmett growled. "How did we cheat?" Alice asked. "You knew you would win if Vander pitched for you guys. She throws harder then Edward or Carlisle can." Jasper accused. "I was totally pulling my pitches." I defended. "Like hell you did, you like to win to much." Emmett grinned.
I launched myself at him pulling him into a head lock. He swept me off my feet and we started rolling around in the mud. "Oh no way I am missing this." Jasper yelled and pounced on us. "Look at the three of them, they don't miss a beat do they?" Alice laughed. "I know and she is ruining her clothes." Rosalie commented. "Oh they are already wet so what?" Bella asked pushing the girls into our fray.
Soon Esme was holding Carlisle while we all rolled around in the mud fighting. It was like one big puppy pile gone wild. Alice sat up displacing me and my head lock on Jasper while Emmett grabbed my feet. Edward came to my defense Bella at his side both jumping on our large brother. Rosalie gave a high playful battle hiss and yanked Edward off of Emmett. Bella started to fight Rosalie and I stopped squirming. I realized looking around I was an awkward wheel. Esme and Carlisle, Edward and Bella, Jasper and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett, and then there was Vander and no one. I felt suddenly more then awkward, alone. I rose from the tangled limbs and started to run. "Vander?" Esme called. I didn't pause just kept running.
I couldn't be more alone even if I had stayed. I was tired, not physically, but mentally tired. Who was I? What could I do with my powers? How did I fit in here? There were to many questions and I couldn't find the answers. I felt my feet slow and then halt. Something on the rain. Wet dog smell that wasn't entirely bad. A huge russet wolf the size of a pony came to my side. I knew it was Jacob. I just knew beyond a doubt. I tossed my arms around his giant neck and pressed my face into his wet fur. "I would do anything to be her again." I said meekly.
I felt his form ripple under my arm and fought not to let go. He brushed my hair out of eyes and swept the mud from my cheeks. "Vander Black stop it. You are still my wife." He kissed my muddy hair. "Even if you never remember what we had, I can give you new memories." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath smelling his rich cedar intensive smell. "How can you be so kind and patient?" I asked. "Remember when you said your heart knows it loves me? We are meant to be together. You don't know this but we fit together Vander. We fit into one piece." He sighed his body shuddering as it held me close. I couldn't ignore him hard against my leg.
As if sensing my thoughts he moved away. I stopped him and shook my head. "No, it's alright… Show me how we fit together. Please?" I asked kissing his neck softly. He shuddered again and looked at me. "Are you sure?" he asked. I heard a howl that was not so far away and made a face. "They aren't going to watch are they?" I asked. "No they are leaving right now." he growled his fingers going to the fly of my jeans.
Jacob laid me down the water running off of his back as if he were a protective shield custom built for my body. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I had been here before, there was a little girl with my nose and his eyes as proof of that. I tried willing myself to remember being here before. I closed my eyes almost ashamed that I couldn't make my brain work. "Vander…" Jacob spoke my name softly like it was a prayer. Maybe it was.
He kissed my mouth softly pulling softly at my lower lip begging to be allowed into my mouth. I parted my lips and the second my tongue met his the kiss exploded. Lips, tongues, teeth it was if I could consume him wholly with my mouth and he would have let me do it. He navigated my mouth like his favorite cave knowing the ins and outs, and the pitfalls that were my fangs.
His blazing hands caressed my body as if he knew every millimeter of my pale flesh. Touches here and there that brought small gasps of pleasure from my body into his mouth. He knew where to touch me that would make me writhe without hitting any overtly sexual spots. As if he were saying I know your body, it is my body, I live here in your flesh. I ran my hands up his side my ice leaving streaks in his fire that made his body more heavy with lust pressing us into the mud.
I felt my body suddenly released of my sopping clothes and it took me a second to realize he had been doing all of that to my still encased form. This man knew my form in a way I couldn't have grasped before. His blazing hand found my small opening and my eyes flew open with the sensation. "Are you sure?" He asked again working his fingers around me. He was playing dirty, and the grin he was trying to hide said he knew it.
It was my turn to pray to the Goddess by invoking his name. All the encouragement he needed and he slowly lowered himself into me. When he was sheathed inside me completely he paused and held my face in his hands. "You were right, we fit together like one solid piece." I found self breathless and wanting to breath in his scent, let myself drown in it.
The fierceness of our kiss was deceiving and Jacob was gentle working in and out of me. My body knew, it remembered that it could be different, but this was what it screamed for. His face was gentle as our bodies found a rhythm that echoed each other. After a while my body began to wind itself up in a tight coil and his stroke became uneven and I knew it would soon be over. It was glorious my body bowing up into his. My slender form fitting up into his in a bow that made his body a glove to mine. He rolled off of me and grabbed my hand.
I knew he wanted that to have fixed me. I knew I wanted that to have fixed me, Goddess and Consort did I want that to fix me. But I was still blank. I shook my head and bit my lip looking away from him. He pulled me through the mud to him. "It's ok, it's alright Vander. I was hoping.. But it doesn't matter. If you never remember this will still have been right." Jacob said softly. "I know Jacob. Great Mother do I know. I have never felt anything like that, well that I can remember." I joked. His face was dark and I knew it was not ok to joke about this with him. "I am sorry Jake. I really am. I just I felt ashamed before, but this was natural. This was us. We do fit together, I am your paw's print." I pressed my palm into his and took in a large nose full of his smell.
"Come home tonight Vander, please…" Jacob said softly into my hair. I knew he wanted that, I even wanted that, but it wasn't right. It wasn't fair. "Our bed isn't the same, since I was 18 you have been in my bed. I toss and turn. It kills me to know your are here and not have you in bed, to not watch you sleep." Jacob's body started to shake as if he would cry. "When have you ever seen me sleep, I am a vampire…" I shook my head. So far I had not slept and it had been days of trying to force myself to sleep, to remember. "You were human with me, for years." He replied. "You said I was a vampire when you met me." I tried to pull away, now his story was not making sense. "You were, but someone… someone turned you human." He made a face as if the memory pained him.
"How?" I asked. If I could be human, if I could be just a normal woman it might makes things easier. "Your witch blood, makes you not crave human blood. A life, they stole a life from someone to give you back yours." He said sadly. I knew that I could not do it. I could not rob another of their life. "I was forced?" I asked. "They stole a witches life and force fed you the blood while they had stripped your powers and magically held you. Unable to fight back, they force fed a life into you." He nodded. "So I will never be a human again." I swallowed physically as if I was taking the hard truth down with the reflex. "You could be, but you never would Vander. I know your soul and you could never do that." He said knowing the dark truth that lay in my heart.
"Well, then how would you watch me sleep?" I asked trying to change the subject. Anything to not think about stealing another's life. "Well your are one of a kind… you just flat out refuse to die. The venom should be poison to you, but I guess your magic is so strong to match that will of yours. But still you are one of a kind. When I hold you Vander, your able to do things that vampires can't, like sleep and cry." He nodded grinning. "I guess that makes us one of a kind. Huh?" I smiled softly. "It sure does. So…" I knew he wanted to ask me to come home again.
"I can't not now." I shook my head. "Because of what you did in Volterra?" he asked. "I don't know what I did to Volterra." I said simply. "Then why?" he asked. I knew he wanted to know, but I also knew he wanted to not tell me about Volterra. "I need some time to try and remember. Then if I can't then we can try it. It isn't fair to Hailey…" I said the name slowly, still a little strange to me. "Ok, a month and then after that you come home if you still can't remember." He said sternly. "Why a month?" I asked. "Well that gives you plenty of time to get what you need to get in order. Also, gives me a whole thirty days to make new memories of us that you can be comfortable coming home to me with." He grinned at me goofily.
"I love you Jacob Black you know that? I don't know you, but I know that." I smiled burying my face into the crook of his neck. "I know and I love you Vander… Cullen." He said sadly giving me back one of my maiden names. "No, I am still Vander Black. I got an awful fancy paper that says that. Memory or no, you showed me that your body is my body and that my body is your body. We are one whole piece, even if I am a little worse for the wear."
A howl from far off ruined our perfect moment. "A warning shot?" I asked. Jacob grinned. "Yeah, pretty considerate of them huh?" he asked. "Well I guess so, now if only someone hadn't shredded my clothes I would be A-ok." I laughed. "Sorry about that." he chuckled. I pressed my mouth to his and shook my head. "Never be sorry for what we just did, I'm not." I winked and pulled away reluctantly. My body was covered head to toe in mud save my face. "Bye Jake." "Bye Vand." he got up and jogged into the tree line. I heard him shifting and then he rang out a howl.
I started to run. I felt my feet carrying me back to the Cullen house. I paused outside it and listened and smelled. They were back, and I was filthy, and naked. I opted for the tree that was outside my window. I slipped in and grinned at the bed covered in memorabilia. Even if it had been there it wouldn't have been as perfect as it had been in the clearing. "Really Vand? That is what you have to think about?" Edward called from downstairs. "Well stay out of my head!" I laughed. I skipped into the bathroom and turned the water on.
I showered off slowly not wanting to wash Jacob off of me. I was wishing that I could loose the mud and keep the husband. I got out satisfied with my cleanliness. I dressed in a silken men's shirt so large it had to be Jacob's. I cleared the bed carefully and laid down replaying ever instant in my mind. Ever touch, every look, ever syllable given it's proper care to recall. I could hear Edward's protest and the chuckles of the others.
I paused remembering the conversation after. "Because of what you did in Volterra." He didn't want to tell me, the Cullen's keeping something from me. I pulled my laptop up from the floor and turned it on. I heard the Cullen's race up the stairs and I knew I needed to be alone. The air grew thin around me like it had been forced else where. "Vander open the door!" Edward called out. "You don't need to see this." Esme said softly.
It was to late. I had Googled, the headlines were enough to switch to picture search. A town lay in ruin. The building at the epicenter was the worse off but the whole down was in ruin. I threw the door open my body dancing with electricity on purpose now. "Did I do this?" I asked showing them the screen. The computer in my hand exploded and I threw it away. "Van-" Edward began. "NO!" I screamed. "DID. I. DO. THAT?" My face was twisted in anger. No one spoke but their faces held the answer. I had leveled that town in Italy. "I did didn't I? How many did I kill?" I asked. "Please Vander calm down." Esme pleaded. "How many?" I screamed.
"They don't know yet, they are still pulling bodies out." Alice said softly. "How?" I asked my legs collapsing beneath me. Emmett and Jasper rushed to catch me. Jasper tried to calm me but I shot him a dangerous look and he stopped. "There was a battle, and you were struck senseless. Your magic as close as I can guess continued to fight." Carlisle said slowly. "Who was I battling?" I asked. "The vampire royalty the Volturi." Alice explained. "Why?" I looked down ashamed of myself. "Well, they came after you, at your birthday party. They took you from us and turned you back." Rosalie spoke. "Why didn't you fight for me?" I asked sharply tossing a look at Emmett. I was playing on his emotions and I knew it.
"Hailey threw herself out the window, trying to save you. A witch they had brought was cutting off your air. You were dying. You threw up an air barrier we couldn't break and then you were gone." Carlisle said matter of fact as if to end my little game. "So I woke up a vampire and killed them?" I asked. Edward shook his head. "We tried to get you every night for several weeks, they denied having you and there was nothing we could do." Alice sighed.
"So… I got pissed off and killed them?" I asked trying to find the part were I killed countess. "No they tried convincing you with Gilbert that we and the wolves had brainwashed you." Edward said softly. None of this was ringing a bell but what else was new? "Who?" I asked. "Another story for another night." Esme shook her head as if it was to painful to speak of. "Well you knew something was wrong with him. You also knew as long as you and Hailey lived they would never leave you alone. You decided they had to die." Carlisle said softly. "So I started killing?" I asked. "Not exactly. You convinced them you would work for them, as long as you were furnished with a Cullen mate that could share your life style. They agreed and you met with Edward and me." Alice explained. "Then you pretended to torture me by hurting yourself while they listened and I begged. Then you and I plotted to take them down while we ran their business and spent their money pretending to be lovers." Edward explained. "So-" "Just listen to the freaking story jezze." Emmett growled. "Ok, ok." I shrugged. "So, we got a call saying Gilbert was really a shape shifter vampire that really thought he was Gilbert. You went after him and a witch that they had around to block Alice's visions and spy on us warned them he would revel them. They started to torture me when I got there. You fought their guards and killed them and told me to flee. I made it out, no one was concerned with me and they were spread to thin." He paused and shook his head. "I went to the hotel where Alice left some stuff for us. I felt the ground shake, and the town began to crumble around me. I ran back to find you protected but everything leveled." He sighed. "I brought you home, and you were senseless and couldn't move." "Then I woke up and this all began?" I asked. Esme nodded.
"So, that is why I need my control back. Because left unchecked it toppled an stone city. I would be a disaster here where buildings are less sturdy, people more abundant." I said slowly. "Well, I believe your body is a natural buffer for your magic. You didn't want to shock Jacob before and you didn't. You didn't want us in, and we couldn't get in." Carlisle spoke his voice smooth and even. "So you let me stay, because my magic isn't wild if I I am cognizant?" I asked. "We let you stay because Jake wouldn't have it any other way." Jasper said softly.
"Meaning?" I asked looking at him. "Jake is the genetic leader of the pack. He defers to Sam because of preference." Rosalie explained. "Which means?" I asked. "It means that he threatened to take his claim and start war over you, if we tried to send you away. The others weren't exactly objecting to the idea." Edward said bitterly. "They all blame you for how I am. That I am like this." I didn't form it as a question. It was a statement punctuated by his nod. "So to avoid war you kept me around." again a statement. I fought the larger men I had thought of as brothers. To them I was a burden, a way to escape a war. "Stop it Vander. You aren't a burden to us." Edward snapped.
Esme bent down and cradled my face. "We love you. It was all we could do to not storm Italy ourselves for you." "Yeah, we were all hot for it." Emmett flexed his arms around me. "Alice assured us you had it under control." Jasper said softly looking to his mate.
I made a face and then started laughing. I had to laugh, there was nothing else I could do. As far as I could tell this witch thing was a bid deal, and my best weapon. Yet I had left anyone else's magic not factor into my little master plan. I had not covered my bases. I was so prideful it had ruined me.
"Is she ok?" Bella asked looking down at me. I nodded still giggling. "Edward care to elaborate?" Carlisle asked. For some reason his all business nature made the situation even more funny, I started to laugh harder. "Well, Vander is under the impression that if she would have factor the use of a witch against us. It would have been different. Her biggest advantage used against her." he shrugged as if failing to see the hilarity of it all. "So Vander is crazy now is what your telling us?" Bella asked taking a step away.
I shook my head trying to reign in my laughter. "No, sometimes Bella a person can only take so much sadness." Jasper said grinning his body shuddering from holding in his laughter. Apparently empaths picked up on these sorts of things. "So you have to laugh it off." he finished. I nodded, I had enough sadness for all the life times I would live, I just needed to laugh.
"Well it, is good that you are laughing again." Esme smiled at me. Eventually my giggles dissipated. "Oh it's just because Jake put a little hitch in our girl's giddy up." Emmett laughed. I looked at him my face trained in a dangerous look. "That. Is. Private." I said slowly and lowly. "Oh you are joking with me again?" I totally was but I shook my head. Edward shook his head as if warning Emmett. He made a face and rubbed the back of his neck. "Vander, I am sorry. Your right that is between…" I lost the rest of his words breaking up in giggles again. "That is just wrong." he said flatly. Now the room was filled with laughter.
"No, stop. I am tired of being the butt of miss I can't remember joke's." He said hotly. I stopped and looked at him. "Aw Em, I am sorry. I just-" "HA I got you this time!" He jumped up and pointed at me. "Ok so Vander a million and Em one?" I laughed. His face fell but then perked up. "It was a good one." he defended. I laughed again. "Yeah it was." Jasper admitted. Suddenly I didn't feel so bad. I might not have remembered anything that happened to me before regaining my senses, but at least I was with people that loved and knew me.