AN: Here we go again. The devil's hands are idle playthings. I didn't really go over this well enough, but somehow I have a feeling it doesn't matter too much.

Happiness is like a wild boar: It must be wrestled into the ground with a smile.

Bruce's haggard face tells all. He somberly hauls the coffin out of the trunk, drags it through the mud and halfway up the stairs.

"It didn't take," he needlessly explains to those gathered.

The rain pours down, moodier than ever. Selina drops down from the sky, lands with a thud and poses atop the coffin.

"I'm back."

Dick peers at her.

"What exactly is it that Were-cats do?"

She shrugs.

"This and that."

Cass jots that down in a notebook.

"That's a pointless note," Dick mutters hatefully.

"You speak Navajo? No? Then quiet."

Dick blinks.

"What?"

A top hat appears on Cass' head, a monocle glinting fiercely on her cultured face.

"I speak of course of my past exploits, wherein I went evil for no reason, completely threw away all my characterization and started harassing people with hints delivered in Navajo."

The top hat disappears.

"Um. Okay?"

Dick is spared further confusion by Selina bodily throwing the coffin inside. Bruce whines.

"Selinaaaa, I told you to stop picking on Alfred. But more importantly, did you remember to drop the invitations?"

Selina rolls her eyes.

"Yes, yes."

He clasps his hands and fidgets nervously.

"You think they'll come?"

She sighs.

"Yes, yes."

"But what if they don't?"

He paces the floor. It looks like he might swoon soon. Selina expertly diffuses the situation by conjuring up the brightest, most magical treat anyone gathered has ever seen.

"Who wants… a… lollipop?"

Bruce's eyes widen to tragic proportions.

"Oh. My. God."

There is a short silence, broken only by the heavy rain. Bruce squeals.

"It matches my rainbow suit!"

Dick shudders at the unwanted memories flooding his mind, each more vivid than the last, all the bright colors conspiring to bring him down.

"Enough frivolous frolicking!" Booms out Batman's authoritative voice. "We need to prepare for the guests!"

They do that.

The Riddler is the first to arrive, his hopeful yet dead eyes darting this way and that without ever moving.

"I need attention! Shower me with it!"

The Hatter is next, even if he wasn't invited.

"Can't be late, can't be late."

As midnight rolls around, Scarecrow crawls out of an unmarked grave in the driveway and enters the manor.

"Let the crows pick me clean but for my hat."

Then comes Bane, flexing nervously and muttering to himself before emitting a resigned, hopelessly manly sigh.

"Que será, será."

Two-Face is next, each side trying hard to smile prettier than the other.

"Life is like two pieces of pie: One baked, one half-baked."

Ivy comes fashionably late, fashionably dressed in her birthday suit.

"Here I come, your beautiful world."

Last is Harley, who says nothing.

So the party/sleepover begins. As the guests linger in the hall, Dick is on broom duty. He dutifully swats away the bloodthirsty Alfred, who still clings to the ceiling like some bat out of hell.

"No, Alfred! You'll ruin Bruce's party!"

"Hhhhhh!"

"Shoo!"

Bruce doesn't even notice this slight disturbance as he jovially passes around the snacks.

"Thank you all so much for coming. I just know we're gonna have a great time. Ghost stories, embarrassing stories, some marshmallows, it's gonna be great. Oh, and strip poker. So maybe if you'd like to put something on, Ivy?"

She curls her lip.

"I hate games," she murmurs, voice hot and acidic.

The Riddler turns his head slowly.

"I love games," he answers, his voice cold and acidic.

Bruce grins as he nods his head. Looks like one of his favorite ships might be about to go down tonight.

"What's your favorite color?" He asks cheerfully.

"Green," they speak in a chorus, then look at each other again as if seeing for the first time how absolutely perfect for each other they are.

Ivy smiles predatorily.

"I didn't realize you resembled me so much."

Bruce grins wider.

"Sometimes he even has red hair."

Ivy's eyes narrow with desire.

"Really?"

Riddler nods, oblivious.

"Yes, sometimes that happens. I never give it much thought, though. I look good no matter how I look."

Bruce has to stifle a gleeful giggle as Ivy smiles wider, rather resembling a snake than a human at this point.

"We are alike in many ways, I see."

Riddler stares, confused.

"You, like all others, are nothing next to me."

Ivy's smile goes upside down, the frown rather resembling a piranha. Bruce claps his hands excitedly. Love and hate, the two biggest components of love. He lays his next trap.

"Popcorn?"

Both Riddler and Ivy reach for it at the same time, their hands touching awkwardly. Ivy tries to hide her disdain, Riddler is distracted by his own reflection in a mirror, which quickly breaks before the power of Bruce's smile.

On the other couch, the Scarecrow and Two-Face spare each other a glance. Bruce puts on his shipping goggles with a smile and an appreciative nod, signaling for the rest of his household to do the same.

"Okay, enough chit-chat. Let's go up to my room!"

No-one can resist Batman's iron will.

"Now, before anyone asks, I just want to say: No, I don't find it weird to play strip poker with my adopted children."

The villains exchange worried glances.

"I wasn't going to ask," Harvey's left side supplies.

"Me neither," says his other.

"I was going to. I find it very strange," the Hatter mutters into nothingness.

There are many stares, most of them incredulous.

"Well! Let's play," Bruce purrs.

Time passes. Or does it?

"So," Bruce whispers huskily, "let's all talk about our weirdest fantasies and desires."

Dick squirms. He doesn't really want to tell. More importantly, he really doesn't want to know.

"I am into femdom and exhibitionism, where I can be the center of attention," the Riddler explains without anyone in particular requesting this information.

Ivy starts grinning again.

"I am into everything," she claims with a sultry smile. "As long as I'm in control."

Harvey gives a peaceful smile.

"I like twins and sloppy se…"

"Do not want!" Dick interrupts rudely. "But doesn't the former make you the third man?"

Harvey's eyes bulge. It looks like he's about to throw up. His eyes bulge and they bulge until…Bane's muscles bulge bigger.

"I like manly men. And the breaking of said manly men. And the nursing back to health of said manly men. And manly feelings and manly muscles and manly love. Making manly love to manly men in a manly way. Manly..."

Bane's speech is stopped short by some mighty strange noises coming from outside the room. Bruce rolls his eyes.

"Oh, great. Now Alfred's consumed by the bloodlust."

They ignore the scratching, hissing and thumping. The game goes on and clothes come off, Harvey insisting on flipping every round to see if he will concede defeat. More and more of his peculiar skin is revealed. Cass' eyes widen more and more, her jaw goes slacker and slacker. Then suddenly, Harvey disappears.

"Where did Harvey go?" Bruce asks right away, his keen mind quick to notice the disappearance.

But nobody knows, except for Dick, who is too busy being jealous to reveal the answer, and Cass, who is too busy trying to overcome her longing.

"Where did Edward go?" Bruce asks, the former's disappearance registering within the detective's mind a mere five minutes after the occurrence.

"He went for a glass of milk," Dick mutters.

Bruce scratches his chin. This all seems familiar somehow. Something about circles?

"I think that old geezer is making out with Eddie," Harley announces as she comes back, having apparently been away.

Cass immediately stops her staring and assumes the foetal position. Dick helpfully passes the bleach.

"They're not," Bruce mutters grimly as he stares out into the hallway.

Cass glances up, a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"Oh, wait, now they are."

Hope is, as always, immediately stamped out. Cass re-assumes her position.

"Alfred just killed Edward. I did not see that coming," Bruce growls quietly as he rests his chin on his fist.

They keep playing. The game goes slowly. Selina stares this way and that with eyes promising bloody murder, even though they are concealed behind sunglasses. But soon they are revealed, even if only for a second. That second leaves everyone shuddering in confusion, a hint of love added in there.

"Selina, honey, stop undressing the guests with your eyes. You're doing it wrong, anyway."

Selina's eyeballs let go of the Scarecrow's costume, which falls slowly and dramatically back to its original position.

"I'm scared," whispers the Scarecrow.

Within a moment, he disappears, along with Cass. Bruce peers this way and that, bewildered. Selina is smiling. Smiiiiiling.

"Such sharp teeth you have," mutters the Hatter without a stutter to the subject matter.

Ivy is smiling too, albeit in a more modest way. She taps her cards confidently, her leaf bikini still untouched by defeat.

"I can't help but think there used to be more of us. But I've always been bad with numbers," Bruce informs his guests, who pay him no attention.

The door bursts open.

"What's dead, green, smarter than anyone, and incredibly stylish?"

Bruce looks up.

"I have absolutely no idea."

The undead Riddler prances into the room and gets back in the game, blood smeared all over his mouth and neck. Dick coughs uncomfortably, Ivy's expressions flit from desire to confusion to repugnance, then back.

"Let's play, I guess," Harley mutters, then disappears.

Dick bites down on his lip, crosses his legs.

"Good evening," comes a new voice.

Alfred comes crawling in his Sunday best. Bane jumps out the window with a manly yelp, then wrestles Croc in the garden, both their clothes tearing off as they sweat. It is in no way erotic. Bruce coughs.

"It's good to have you back in the world of the semi-living, but you've gone too long without human contact. You're acting weird," Bruce helpfully removes the spotlight from the glistening, manly bodies in the garden.

Alfred's head falls limply backwards and his body contorts to the side, his eyes focused on the ceiling as blood drips from his fanged, frowning mouth.

"Poppycock, Master Bruce."

Dick blacks out.

And wakes up in a warehouse, with Scarecrow looking down at him.

"Did you like my happy gas?"

Dick rubs his eyes.

"Did all of that just happen? It was all a dream, right?"

The Scarecrow's mask blinks, somehow.

"All of what?"

Dick rubs his temples.

"Is Alfred a vampire?"

The Scarecrow's face seems to fill up Dick's vision.

"Are vampires Alfred?"

The villain then proceeds to rub Dick's shoulders.

"Whaaa?"

Dick wakes up again, this time back at the poker game. Bruce looks worried. Dick waves them away.

"I was just realizing everything is circular."

Bruce pouts in sympathy.

"Ah, that thing. Annoying, isn't it? Well, I hope you're feeling straight now."

Dick smiles.

"You bet your sweet a…"

He gets no further, for Cass' actions above him grab his attention.

"I don't know what's happening," comes Harvey's muffled voice from his bondage on the ceiling.

Cass stares mesmerized at his crisp, crisp skin. "Mmmm, bacon," she whispers.

"But I like it," he mutters as she strokes his cheek with a zucchini. Peanut butter covers the good side of his face, broccoli graces his socks.

Dick looks away. Unfortunately, his eyes fall on Selina, who is now smiling even wider. It borders on the disgusting. Dick looks away once more, his eyes falling on the Riddler this time.

"Why is he still fully clothed?"

The Riddler's eyes stare back at Dick. Instead of pupils there are the never-ending hallways of a labyrinth looking out, trying to suck them all in.

"Because I am better than you," he informs them coldly, with only a hint of eroticism.

There is a flash, furious and possibly feline, and the Riddler's hair swooshes back. His face reveals slight puzzlement and annoyance. Then his clothes come undone, falling to the floor in tatters.

"That's cheating," he coldly yet seductively informs them and covers up his secrets.

Harley disappears with a tiny "Eeep."

Dick bites down on his lip hard enough to draw blood. Alfred tries to crawl over to him, but his body won't stop contorting. Dick manages to wipe away the blood before the bumbling butler can come any closer. Bruce giggles.

"Oh, no! Soon my family jewels will be revealed to the world!"

The Mad Hatter stares at him.

"I thought your parents were dead."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Dick is there. He tears them into pieces, chokes them down as he forces them onto the floor. The words sputter and wheeze but in a twinkling, all is over. Bruce smiles obliviously. The Hatter blushes, ponders how Dick would look in a blue dress.

"Keep going!" Selina shouts. The beast does howl and the beast does growl.

And lo! The guests are uncomfortable.

"Selina, honey, you're scaring the guests."

She shows no sign of stopping. She froths at the mouth, claws at Bruce's hair. Her sunglasses slip off, revealing disastrously sexy eyes. The dominatrix effect blasts everyone in the room but Alfred, because some things simply should not be.

"Oh, my," Ivy and Riddler sigh.

The Mad Hatter looks confusedly down at the leather costume that has materialized on his body. Hanging from the ceiling, Harley starts seeing green hair and charming smiles all over the place. Scarecrow's icy heart starts thawing and his annoyance at his bondage situation lessens, then turns into acceptance.

The situation is getting out of hand! Whatever will our intrepid heroes do?

Bruce shows his leadership qualities as he expertly assesses the situation and acts upon his impeccable instincts.

"Well, I sure am glad there are no burglars here. The family jewels are coming out, baby."

He whisks off his panties in one smooth motion, revealing…Another pair of panties! Made of solid gold! Plated with jewels fit for a crown! Sprinkled with rubies!

Selina's eyes widen, then narrow, then widen. She reels as if physically struck. Then, in an instant, the panties are off, vanished into thin air. Selina wears a dopey, slightly smug smile. So does Bruce. He addresses everyone and no-one.

"I can't but help think there is more to our future than just fighting. Have we ever tried…love?"

There were many winks and many nudges exchanged.

AN: Too much or too little? I can never tell the two apart.