A/N: I'm so sorry. *bows in apology* I never meant for this chapter to take so long in the writing process, but as usual, life got in the way and made me kind of forget about this lovely story. Don't worry I hadn't forgotten about it completely, but I kind of lost my inspiration for a little while there. Thank god all of my harder exams are over after this week, or I think I might die.

Anyway, sorry for such a late update and please enjoy the chapter. Don't forget to review if you like it.

silverdragon

Chapter 10 Memories

~Kanda~

Three months went slowly for Kanda as he tried his best to come to grips with his powers as a ghost. There really wasn't much he could do beyond appearing and touching things, but mastering either of those skills took a lot of practice and effort.

In those three months Allen had been researching about ghosts, but still hadn't found a way to revive Kanda as of yet. To the ghost the lack of results was disheartening, and he felt himself slip further and further into a depression like state that grew as time went on without some hope of being able to become a living human again. He could feel himself slipping, slowly forgetting who he was and what his purpose was. It was a scary thought, but there didn't seem to be much he could do to stop the shift that was happening within his mind.

He tried to manage the fear that one day he would wake up and not remember who Allen was, but it always managed to sneak up on him. Those kinds of thoughts scared him the most, and it was because of them that he was so intent on finding a way to become human again so that he wouldn't have to worry about his memories of Allen slipping through his mind.

It was during these times that Kanda would try to play back his memories, but as time went on, fewer and fewer of them could be called back for his personal recollection, almost like they were being erased. Every time he'd try to grab for the memories that slipped away, even more would sift through the cracks. It was a never ending cycle of loss, and eventually Kanda had given up on trying to keep the memories that were slipping. Instead he just watched the ones that he still had at his disposal, reveling in the feeling of love and the sorrow of loss that permeated through the memories.

He was currently watching one of his favorite memories, a "training weekend" that they had taken in the Black Forest the previous summer. It had been warm and pleasant, and Kanda had enjoyed every minute of spending alone time with his Moyashi.

They'd been at their cottage for just over a week when Allen suggested that they go on a walk in the forest, to admire the scenery and what not. Kanda had gone along with it, he was just so glad that his Moyashi was happy that he couldn't care less about trekking through the forests. They'd left the cottage hand in hand, following a small, worn deer trail through the woods. After avoiding roots and branches from the trees they'd happened upon a rather large stream, large and deep enough to swim in.

"We should go swimming Kanda," Allen raced up to the bank and turned back around, a smile of pure joy on his face as he looked at Kanda.

"You go Moyashi, I don't like swimming."

In all honesty Kanda just didn't want to get his hair wet, it became incredibly uncontrollable when wet and he just didn't want to deal with that right now.

"But Kanda, please? It's no fun if you don't have someone to swim with," Allen pulled out his kicked puppy look, and Kanda had found that he could never say no to that face.

"Fine, but I'm putting my hair up so don't try anything," Kanda reluctantly agreed to go swimming, but he wasn't too happy about it.

"Yay!" Allen jumped up and down a few times before taking off his clothing and jumping into the water.

Kanda was a little slower, taking his time in removing his clothes and putting his hair up in a kind of sloppy bun. He really didn't like having his hair in anything but a ponytail, but he didn't dare let it get wet. Once he was done he slowly walked over to the bank of the stream, putting a foot into the water before submerging himself.

"You're such a slow poke Kanda. You take forever," Allen commented while swimming on his back in the water.

"Che, just be happy I got in you stupid Moyashi," Kanda splashed the other Exorcist with a small amount of water causing the other to sputter.

"Hey not fair BaKanda," Allen pouted before swimming up to Kanda and embracing him, touching his watery cold chest to Kanda's warm and dry one.

Kanda wrapped his arms around his lover and kissed the white hair on the crown of his head, "Of course it's not fair, you and I both know that nothing about life is fair."

Allen's face dropped a little. It was so like Kanda to be a Debbie Downer all the time, but he knew that the older Exorcist was right. The younger did believe in God, but the only God he'd even seen was one that enjoyed war, and pain, and suffering, nothing like the picture the church had painted for them. The God that all Exorcists knew was cruel and unloving, taking away what was most precious to them, and yet asking them to sacrifice their lives in a war that was endless and never ceasing.

Kanda didn't say anything for a moment after that, he too was processing all the things that he'd just said. So many times in his life he would find something precious to him, only to have the Order fuck it all up.

What he'd had with Alma in his first life had been beautiful. He couldn't really remember much of the events that transpired between the two of them, but he did know that he had loved her with all his heart. They'd shared a bond and so much more, and they would have been happy to die together as they were supposed to. Of course the Order had decided to change that plan and had created Kanda and the current Alma, both abominations, freaks of nature, both scared and angry, ticking time bombs ready to explode.

Alma had exploded, killing so many people before Kanda had managed to put him down, killing his only friend and first love. So certainly the Order had to fuck everything up again, creating a true monster and forcing Kanda to kill his love a second time.

Kanda had been so close to snapping after the first time, but Tiedoll had managed to help, stabilizing him for a while, making him feel human again. Then there was Allen, who made him feel loved, made him feel wanted, something he'd never really felt in his short lifetime. Sure he'd felt love with Alma in his first life, but that was a different time, a different path. Now all he had was Allen, and he was terrified that the Order was going to take him away too, turn him into a weapon and make the man that Kanda had fallen in love with into a monster, just like Alma.

It was ironic really how the Order's mission was apparently riding the world of Akuma and keeping people safe and happy in their lives, and yet they allowed the lives of the Exorcists that worked for them to be a complete hell. There had been many times that Kanda had wished that he'd never been brought back, never gone through the torment of the Second Exorcist program, but then he thinks about his current situation.

What would have happened to Allen if he hadn't been there? Even now the 14th has been threatening Allen's sanity as well as taking over his body. If Kanda had never met Allen, would the Moyashi, such an innocent martyr, have become a Noah by now?

It was a hard pill to swallow, but it just drove Kanda on. He would protect Allen, no matter the cost or consequence.

Allen buried his face in Kanda's chest, and he could tell that the younger teen was crying just because the teardrops were warmer than the water in the stream. He held on to the smaller body just a little tighter, bringing Allen's body into a very warm and very loving embrace.

After a while of just standing there Allen spoke up, "Why do they do it Kanda? Why does the Order make being an Exorcist a loveless, hopeless profession? I mean, I love doing what I do, saving Akuma souls and setting them free from the Earl, but why must we be nothing but soldiers to them? Why can't Lenalee be a mother if she wanted to? Why can't you and I be fathers, able to live out our lives as we choose until duty calls us away? Why must we be soldiers, doomed to die on the battlefield, always afraid to find love because we don't if we're going to come home when we leave.

"I know that things have been good with Komui as supervisor, but we're still barely treated like humans, let alone ones that can actually live lives in the real world. We're in a bubble Kanda. One filled with pain, war, dying, destruction, and I can't see a way out but through death. And even then I have a damn Noah inside me, constantly clawing to get out. Do you know how many times that I've thought, 'Maybe if I just let it out this all would end. Maybe if die the world will finally be at peace.' Those thoughts run through my head all the time, and it scares me Kanda, I don't want to die. I want to live, save Akuma souls, have a life, have a family. I want to do so many things, but the Order would never allow it."

Kanda froze there and could feel raw emotion wash through him. How many times had he thought the same thing? How many times had he wanted just to live his life, no Innocence, no Exorcists, no Order, no Earl? How many nights had he gone to sleep, Allen tucked into the circle of his arms and thought, "Allen would be a good dad, and given the chance I might be too."? There were so many things he wanted to say, but in the end he just said one.

"Allen I promise you, as soon as this godforsaken war is over, we will have that. A family, a normal life. I will not let the Order take you away from me, and I will always protect you. I love you Allen."

He'd sealed his words with a kiss. Taking Allen's breath away and leaving them both shivering in the cold water.

Allen's teeth began to chatter and Kanda picked him up and carried him out of the stream.

"I can walk myself BaKanda."

"I know Moyashi, I just like carrying you like a princess."

Kanda sat bolt upright in the darkness, words from his memory ringing in his ears like bells.

Could he have finally found the reason for his ghostly form? That didn't make sense though. He'd made so many promises to protect the Moyashi, and that's all he seemed to be doing at the moment. Maybe though… No it couldn't be just that. Was it really that simple? Had he completely overlooked the one promise that really mattered to him in the slew of things he'd vowed to do, but would never be able to actually follow through?

"A family, a normal life."

The words played through his mind, and as he mulled them over he finally connected it all together. The reason he was still here wasn't because a promise of protection, although that was part of it. It was because he had promised Allen a family, a life that neither one of them had had as children. Protecting Allen from both the world and himself was connected to that goal, because if Allen was gone, then there would be no reason for Kanda to stay. He would drift aimlessly until he eventually fizzled out and faded away.

Keeping Allen alive gave him the chance to find someone new, to have a family with and grow old together. Of course the Japanese teen had wanted that to be himself, but considering the state he was in, he could only hope that maybe, just maybe, Allen would find someone to make him happy, because Kanda had failed.

Kanda had always thought of himself as selfish, but it turned out, that in the end, he actually didn't care about himself, he only cared about Allen, his Moyashi.

He closed his eyes to the darkness and breathed in.

On the exhale he whispered a single sentence, "I will find a way to make you happy Allen, no matter what it takes."

A/N: So there you have it, a little more background, and also a little more of the Kanda turmoil. I love you readers and thank you for sticking with me through my ridiculously late update.

By the way, if you go check out my profile I've currently got a poll up about what kind of thing to write next, and I would really like your input. I already have a shorter fic in the works, but I'm going to need another long project after this lovely fic gets done. So please cast a vote so I can see what all of you would like from me.