"Christian, what's wrong?"
"John, you are very perceptive. Has anyone ever told you, you should think about going into psychotherapy." I try in vain to deflect John's interrogation with dry sarcasm. I just don't feel like talking today. But I'm here. And since I'm here I might as well talk about something. I wish John would let me get away with discussing the Mariners, but he's no pushover. "It's just all this wedding planning. It's a bit much."
"Well you're pouting Christian. Did something specific happen?"
"Ana and I just got into this little fight." Actually, not so little, but I don't want to admit that we had a real fight. You're not supposed to fight when you're blissfully in love. "I...I was just hoping that she would promise to obey me...you know in the wedding vows. But she feels pretty strongly about now including that in the vows. We had a fight..." My voice trails off as I notice that John is rolling his eyes and chuckling. He obviously doesn't know what I do to people who roll their eyes at me. "Are you laughing at me, John?"
"Christian, I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh. Really I apologize. It's just...did you really want Ana to promise to obey you?" John says incredulously. I can tell he's biting the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. His face is such a twisted mess, that I can't help but laugh too.
"Well, yes. Yes, John, I did want Ana to promise to obey me." I'm laughing now too, realizing the ridiculousness of it. John is the only person who can call me out on my bullshit.
"Christian, it's not the 17th century." We're both laughing now. It feels so good to laugh, and its only now I realize the just how much tension I had been holding onto. "What is it about obeying, that promise that was so important to you?"
"I don't know John. I just always had this vision of my wedding day. In my head, I'd always imagined that my wife would promise to obey me. I know it's silly, but it was just something I was holding on to. I think when Ana said no, it felt like a rejection."
"It really affected you?"
"Yes. I had a really terrible nightmare." Beads of sweat form on my brow as I remember my nightmare from the previous evening.
"What was your nightmare about?" John asks, his tone changing now from mocking to soothing.
"Same as usual. My birth mother is asleep on the floor. I think she's asleep. She's cold, she won't wake up. I'm hungry."
"So what is it about Ana obeying, or not obeying you rather, that brings up memories of your birth mother?"
"I don't know John. I think I just worry that I won't be able to keep Ana safe, if she doesn't obey me. I just worry that I can't keep her from..." Dying. Ana dying is my biggest fear, but I can't even bring the words to my mouth. It just sticks in the back of my throat. John seems to understand.
"I know, Christian. I know." John says with a quiet recognition in his voice. He knows when to push me, and he knows when to back off.
"I suppose I should apologize to Ana when I get home tonight."
"Yes Christian. If you intend to stay married, learning to apologize is an invaluable skill," John says, glancing at the picture of Rhian sitting on his desk. I can't imagine what John would ever have to apologize for, but by the look in his eye, I can tell he speaks from experience. "So what else has been bothering you?"
"My father want's Ana to sign a prenup."
"And how does that make you feel?"
Fucking-A John, what is with that question. So annoying! How does it make me feel?
"How would it make YOU feel?" John sits in silence, staring at me. His eyes imploring me to say more. "Sorry, John. That outburst was probably intended for Carrick. It makes me feel like my family doesn't trust Ana, and doesn't trust my decisions. It makes me feel like they want me to erect this boundary between Ana and I, when all I want to to completely meld with her. Become one unit, husband and wife. I can't wait for Ana to be Mrs. Grey, for everything that's mine to be her's. And then Carrick goes and suggests I put up this barrier between us. It just doesn't seem right."
"Christian, I think it might be useful for you to think about how to maintain individual autonomy in an intimate relationship, you've gone from one extreme of not allowing women to sleep in your bed, or look you in the eye, to wanting to be completely enmeshed with Ana. Part of that is the natural part of the infatuation stage of romance. But enmeshment is hardly sustainable."
"But I want Ana's world to begin and end with me." As I say the words I realize I'm pouting like a child having a tantrum. John chuckles, like he's expecting me to stomp my feet and thrust my fists.
"I know you feel like that now, Christian. And as I said, you're in the attachment state of love right now, and what you're feeling is very normal. Attachment is what enables us to form tight bonds with our significant other. But left unchecked, it can fuel manipulation and in some cases abuse. Attachment can create a state of codependency. I'd like you to think about eventually becoming what therapists call differentiated."
I've totally zoned out. I heard codependent and manipulation, but not much else. I look at John, bewildered.
"Differentiation allows you to let go of entanglement and maintain autonomy in an intimate relationship."
"But I want to be entangled," I murmur. John laughs again.
"I know you feel like that now Christian. But trust me, neither you nor Ana can sustain codependency for a lifetime. We're about out of time. I supposed the next time I see you, you will be walking down the aisle?"
"That's right." And for a moment I forget everything- The petty squabbles over obeying, my father's audacity with the prenup. All I see is Ana, walking down an aisle of rose petals. I love her, from the first day I saw her, on the good days and the bad days, yesterday and today. For all eternity, until the world quits spinning and nothing else matters.