Please God, let me take his place
Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.
A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while guys. These next few chapters probably won't be the happiest, as Brian is still stuggling with his pride and not letting anyone help him. In this chapter, I'm trying to get Justin to understand why Brian is so at one with his pride, to hopefully create more understanding in their relationship, also, in this story, Uncle Vic is still alive, hope you enjoy x
Chapter 10: Coping methods
B POV
I was in Babylon, like any other saturday evening. Except tonight the lights were all white, that was weird, it was cool, but weird. As I looked around the dance floor I briefly wondered where everyone was. I could swear they were all with me a minute ago, maybe they all went home...?
Suddenly, it didn't matter anymore. I could see him. He was right there, across the dance floor, staring at me.
I didn't even know his name, but I had been after him all night. 6", blue eyes, brown hair, toned body, apsolutely perfect. I had scoped him out from the beginning of the evening and he wasn't getting away from me this time, I had found my prey. I walked across the dance floor to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing myself against his back. I leant forward to whisper something in his ear when suddenly he recoiled from me, yanked his waist from my arms and stared at me,disgusted.
"Err..." I began, taken completely aback and unsure of what to say.
"Don't get too close!" He half-shouted at me, "I might catch something!"
At this, half of Babylon turned to stare at us.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked him, confused.
"I don't want to catch cancer!" He told me, my heart plummeted in my chest as I heard the whisper go all around Babylon.
"Brian Kinney has cancer?"
"Brian has cancer!"
"Oh my God, is it contagious...?"
My head was spinning, but I didn't know why because I didn't think I'd had anything to drink.
"How...how do you know?" I found myself shouting at the trick.
"We all know." He told me.
But how the fuck could they all know? Only Justin knew...but if Justin told...
The spinning in my head suddenly stopped and I felt someone tugging on my shoulder. I let out a strange kind of yelp of surprise as I suddenly found myself writhing in my bed covers, my nose was filled with the familar smell of Justin, I could vaguelly see his face above me.
"Brian, Brian...it's okay, you're just having a nightmare..."
"Who did you tell?" I found myself shouting at him.
"What?" Asked Justin, "who did I tell what?"
"About Cancer! Who did you tell about the cancer!"
"Brian, I didn't tell anyone!" Justin assured me, "you were having a nightmare!"
I breathed deeply and slumped back against the pillows, I felt sweaty and I could feel the pain in my stomach.
"You can't...tell anyone." I said sleepily, before falling back into my exhausted sleep.
...
J POV
It had just gone 1 in the morning and I still didn't feel tired, I suppose, generally for me and Brian, this wasn't really that late. I couldn't think of anything else to do so I had just sat down with my sketchpad, and I wasn't really drawing in anything particular. I looked over to the bedroom, as I did every 15 minutes or so, just to make sure Brian was okay. As just as before, Brian was fast asleep, completely exhausted from just being awake. My mind was briefly drawn back to the times when Brian would be up next to me right now, talking, laughing...and probably trying to distract me from drawing...
I couldn't help but smile slightly as I remembered those times, and up until this point, it had never occured to me how much I missed Brian, even though he was right there.
I looked up immediately when I heard commotion from Brian's bed. I stood up immediately and saw Brian thrashing around in his bed. He was having another nightmare, his nightmares were becoming more and more frequent now. I walked quickly to Brian and heard him moaning in pain in his sleep, I worriedly crawled onto the bed and on top of him and shook one of his shoulders.
"Brian!" I called worriedly, "Brian, wake up!"
Without warning, Brian ripped out of sleep and grabbed one of my arms, scaring the shit out of me.
"Jesus Fucking Christ..." I said under my breath, trying to regain my breathing and concentrate on Brian.
"Brian, Brian..it's okay, you're just having a nightmare..."
"Who did you tell?"He suddenly demanded, sitting upright and staring daggers at me, I was too startled to think for a moment. Brian's nightmares didn't usually make him agressive, he must have not been fully awake.
"What?" I asked, confused, "who did I tell what?"
"About cancer!" He practically spat at me, "who did you tell about the cancer?"
"Brian, I didn't tell anyone!" I told him immediately, he must have been dreaming that I betrayed him or something, I hated that Brian's mind played tricks on him, it was that damn medication. "You were having a nightmare!" I tried to convince him, even though I was pretty sure he wouldn't remember any of this when he woke up. Brian stared at me for a long moment, before his eyes seemed to calm down and he slumped back against the pillows, my heart ached as I saw the pain on his face.
"You can't...tell anyone..." he said sleepily. I stared down at him in concern and confusion as he fell back to sleep. I stared at Brian for a long time after he fell asleep, I guess just the sound of his breathing was a comfort to me. But then I guess I just wanted to see the pain in his face disappear, but it never did. I ran the back of my hand across Brian's forehead tenderly, I let my hand linger on his skin for a long moment, just staring at him. I looked around quickly before lowering myself down to the bed and resting my head on Brian's chest, I cuddled up to him, trying to keep the tears from flowing. I thought about the times when we would make love, and Brian would hold me... It wasn't long before I fell asleep, too.
I woke up about two hours later and Brian was still fast asleep, I slowly sat up and stared at Brian for a moment before climbing slowly off of the bed. I spared one last look at Brian before I walked shakily back to the sofa and picked my sketch-pad up, I noticed my hands were still shaking. I sat down slowly, wondering what the fuck Brian thought people would do if they found out he had cancer, why was he so scared?
I glanced around the loft and found myself gazing at the door, almost longingly.I suddenly realised how much I wanted to just go outside, just walk around. But I couldn't leave Brian...in that moment, I suddenly felt so fucking bad. How could I think like that?
I stared down at the floor dejectedly, trying again to stop the tears that were trying to escape. I couldn't do this, I couldn't do this on my own. I mean, I'm pretty sure I can look after Brian but..I can't deal with this, I can't cope...I just need to be able to cope enough to give Brian the support he needs.
...
"Hey," I shouted out as I walked back into the loft, I pulled my shoulder bag off and threw it onto the couch.
"Hey," Brian replyed, not looking up to me. "How was class?" He asked me.
I had to smile for a moment, Brian never asked me that before. "Not bad," I said, "my hands a bit sore, but..."
Brian then looked up to me as I sat down, he put down what he was looking at and took my hand in his, and began to massage it slowly.
I sighed slightly at the pleasure, I looked at Brian, he looked tired but okay.
"How was your day?" I asked him, and Brian shrugged slightly.
"Okay, I guess. Boring." He told me.
"Have you been taking your medication?" I asked him.
"Yes, mother." He answered, grinning.
"I don't like leaving you here on your own all day," I admitted.
"Well," began Brian slowly. "I was actually thinking...about going back to work soon."
"Do you think you're strong enough?" I asked him, concerned. "Because only if you're sure...?"
"I'm sure." Brian smiled slightly. "I need to get out, do something." He told me, "I might die from boredom."
I tried to laugh, even though it wasn't funny. "What are you reading?" I asked Brian, gesturing to the leaflets Brian had been pawing through when I had come in.
"Just a bunch of leaflets the Doctor sent me about my condition." Brian said, trying to sound casual but I could hear the fear beneath his voice. I didn't bring it up.
"Oh," I said, "are they any help?"
"Not really," he shrugged, "oh, but get this!" He began, sounding indignant. "Apparently, it's not common for this cancer to spread to any other organs aside from the lungs, what are the odds that I get the one fucking uncommon version. The symptoms are weird shit like a lump in the throat and breathing problems..."
"Have you had a lump in your throat or breathing problems?" I asked Brian worriedly, staring at him. He looked up to me and blinked a few times.
"Justin, I'm fine." He told me, "please stop worrying, you're freaking me out."
"I'm sorry," I told him, attempting to smile. I rubbed his back slowly. "So, err...have you thought about, you 'no...telling our friends...?"
Brian immediately tensed up and moved away from me. "I can't." He said stiffly.
I sighed heavily. "Why not?" I asked him, trying not to sound irritated.
"Because," said Brian, turning back to me. He sighed slightly, "because, I've been the only one looking after me, for a very long time. And...my pride is a massive part of who I am, not needing help is a massive part of who I am..." he explained, and I stared at him as he opened up to me. He sighed again. "I just think that, if I give up my pride, it's like I'm loosing myself. It's like I'm loosing myself to this cancer and if I do...I might not find myself again, Justin."
In that moment, I suddenly remembered the conversation I had with Lindsay so long ago, before this nightmare of cancer was presented to me. I remember her telling me that Brian's mystery was a part of his charm, and I also remembered thinking about how I loved Brian for who he was and nothing less. It never occured to me how hard it would be for Brian to have to give up the way he thinks and the way he feels. As Brianonce taught me, that isn't love, that's hate.
"I understand," I told him honestly, taking his hand in mine. "I really understand." I leant forward and hugged Brian and felt him put his weak arms around me. "We can fight this, Brian." I told him, "we have to fight this."
...
B POV
The next day Justin was on the phone to Debbie and I watched him from the sofa, pretending to flick through channels but infact I was interested in the conversation. I hadn't seen Deb,or let alone anyone in a long time.
"...yeah, I'll ask him." Justin said into the phone, "yeah, I'll speak to you later...yeah, bye." Justin then hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment.
"Is Deb okay?" I asked him.
"Yeah, she's fine." Justin answered.
"What did she want?" I asked him, confused.
"Actually..." began Justin tentatively, "she invited everyone over for dinner tonight, seeing as you've been so busy at "work" lately, no one has seen you."
I almost chuckled.
"So..." Justin continued, "do you...do you want to...go...?"
I looked back at Justin, about to tell him how much I really didn't want to see anyone, about how much I just wanted to stay in, but when I saw the hopeful look in Justin's eyes I just couldn't bring myself to say it. It suddenly occured to me how long it had been since Justin had seen anyone else, it was important for Justin to see their friends, he couldn't be locked in with me forever, and, I guess, I wouldn't be so bad for me to see everyone for a bit.
I smiled at him. "Yeah, sure. Sounds like fun."
"Really?" Asked Justin, smiling.
"Yeah." I told him, "I want to see everyone, anyway." Before I knew it, Justin was on top of me with his arms around me.
...
Before I knew it, we had turned up at Debbie's front door. I was actually nervous about seeing my own fucking friends. I rolled my eyes. Justin knocked on the door and took my hand in his.
A few seconds later the door opened and Debbie was stood there.
"Brian Fucking Kinney!" She exclaimed loudly, throwing her arms around me fiercely, I didn't want to wince from the pain but I couldn't help myself.
"Jesus Christ!" She exclaimed, letting go of me. "You haven't been eating! You're like a string of fucking dental floss! Come in out of the cold before the wind pushes you over!"
I couldn't help but smirk as Deb let Justin and me into the house and to the large table surrounded by Michael, Ben, Vic, Mel, Linds, Ted and Em.
"Brian!" Michael and Lindsay exclaimed in unison, jumping up to hug me tightly, I again tried not to wince. Luckily for me, Justin had my back and distracted the pair so I could sit down.
"So, where has the king of the Queer'sbeen sequestered to lately?" Emmett inquired.
I shrugged slightly. "I've just been busy."
"Brian, you're so thin." Lindsay complained, feeling my forehead, I ducked out of the way.
"And white as a fucking sheet!" Michael exclaimed.
"Brian, you look really tired." Ben added worriedly.
"Are you okay, Brian?" Melanie asked, actually sounding worried whilst Emmett and Ted stared at me. Vic, however, had an eyebrow raised. If anyone knew I was sick, it was him.
"I'm fine," I assured them all, "really, I am. I'm just tired from work, that's all."
I looked across to Michael and he still looked worried, he put his arms around me tightly. Almost like he was afraid to let go.
...
Everyone was having a drink whilst Lindsay and Debbie were doing the dishes. Soon after, Justin declared he would help them and walked into the kitchen, giving me a reassuring smile. I declined the drink that was offered to me, confusing everyone, and told them I would go and help in the kitchen. Anything to escape Vic's scrutinising stare.
I was just about to walk into the kitchen when I heard my name, I stopped at the door so they couldn't see me, and listened to the conversation between Linds, Deb and Justin.
"Seriously, Justin-" began Lindsay, "is Brian really okay?"
"Yeah, Sunshine," added Debbie, "he looks really sick, and he barely ate."
"He's been acting really different lately." Said Lindsay.
I looked in to see Justin, his smile forced. "It's just work," he lied to them, "I'm sure he'll be back to his old self in no time."
Staring at the forced smile on Sunshine's face, it suddenly occured to me all of the weight I was putting on him, everything I was just expecting him to cope with, and just expecting him to lie to his family about me. Expecting him to be able to cope with this alone. Because despite his smiles I can see Justin is struggling to cope with this alone, he just wasn't saying anything.
I leant against the wall, wondering what the hell I was gonna do...when the idea suddenly came to me.
...
The last time I'd knocked on this door it was to get my Sunshine back, and now it was almost for the same reason. I waited for a moment until Daphne opened her apartment door to me.
"Brian!" She said, but her smile faltered when she looked at me.
"Oh my God, Brian, are you okay? You don't look so good..."
She invited me in and when I sat on the sofa I wrestled with myself before deciding to go through with my original plan.
"Listen, Daphne. Something is happening, and Justin really needs some love and support right now, he needs his best friend."
"Brian, what's wrong?" Asked Daphne worriedly, and I sighed.
"I have, I have cancer." I admitted.
She was silent for a long moment, she just stared at me.
"What?" She asked finally, the concern filling her eyes. "Oh my God, Brian, are you gonna be okay?"
I shrugged slightly. "I don't know."
I instantly regretted telling her when I saw her eyes fill up with tears. "I didn't mean to upset you..."
Before I knew it, Daphne had her arms around me. "You're gonna be okay." She told me, like she was ordering me to be okay. I couldn't help but to be a little touched.
I smiled at her when she let me go. "It's just, Justin is the only other person who knows and, he needs some love and support, that I can't give him right now." I told her honestly, but sadly.
Daphne nodded, but then looked confused. "Why didn't you tell any of your other friends?"
I found myself shrugging at her. "I don't know." I told her, "and I would appreciate it if you didn't, either."
"I promise." She said softly, taking my hand in hers. "You're gonna be okay." She repeated. I leant forward and kissed her on the cheek, I always liked Daphne. She smiled but faltered again as she stared at me. I wondered if I really looked that sick.
I headed for the door, but before I left I turned back to her. "It's a pride thing," I admitted, "but, in the end, Justin is more important than pride."
...
J POV
I walked into the loft, weighed down bu groceries. I was about to call out to Brian when I heard a female voice in the loft.
"Have you taken the right medication?" She asked.
"Will you stop mothering me?" Brian berated good-naturedly and as I walked into the loft I saw Daphne laugh.
"Hey," I said, confused, "what's going on?"
"Hey," said Daph, turning towards me. "Brian told me." She admitted.
"What?" I asked, looking between the pair of them. "Why?"
"So you wouldn't have to go through this alone," Brian informed me, "so you can have the kind of support you need. Dealing with this on your own is too much for me to ask."
I stared up at him, touched.
"And now," Daphne grinned, grabbing my arm. "You are coming with me and we are going out, no arguments."
"But..." I began to protest, before Brian cut me off.
"You're going," he told me, "don't worry about me, I'll be fine, and if anything does happen, you're a phone call away."
He smiled at me. "You deserve a night off, go and have some fun."
I was so touched at Brian's complete selflessness that I couldn't help running to him and kissing him.
"I love you." I told him.
"I know." He replyed softly, we stared into each others eyes for a long moment.
"Come on!" Said Daphne finally, dragging me out of the loft. She waved at Brian and I turned back to see him smiling at me before he closed the door.