Beyond The Walls

Chapter 10: Shock Part 1

A few weeks passed since Professor Oak had come back from the research convention with little happening. Tracey had hung out with Gary several more times, each time feeling more like the boy trusted him somewhat more than most people. They had gone for ice cream several times and Tracey had caught onto what Gary's favorite things at the ice cream shop were. They had gone to the bookstore with Anna and Tracey couldn't help but laugh as the three of them looked through magazines and books on the occult, joking and playfully flirting with each other the whole time.

Gary hadn't had any outbursts of anger, nor had he cut himself in the past few weeks. May had removed the stitches in his arm the day after the professor had returned home and Tracey noticed how much more relaxed Gary had been recently. Kate hadn't been around since the talk she'd had with Gary. Tracey had asked Gary about the talk they'd had. He had expected Gary to brush off the question and was surprised when he answered honestly and told Tracey that she was angry with him about Anna. Tracey had apologized for not minding his own business but Gary had simply shrugged and said the argument had been coming on for years.

Tracey leaned against the wall in Gary's bathroom one night, wearing only a pair of black boxers with pokeballs on them, watching Gary carefully put the barbell in his eyebrow. Gary was wearing only boxers and a long-sleeved t-shirt, too preoccupied with the piercing to notice as Tracey admired his body. Tracey had realized that he enjoyed watching Gary do even small tasks like this one and he was happy the closely-guarded boy allowed him close enough to do so.

Tracey had often found himself longing to feel the long fingers that so often flew across a keyboard or fret board caress his body, to feel the heated gaze that so often followed Anna from across a room on himself, to feel that tongue ring slide across his tongue as those perfect lips caressed his own. He'd stayed up many nights thinking of those images, shuddering as he touched himself. He wondered if Gary could see the way he looked at him, if he could sense Tracey's longing. Gary had often acted flirtatiously around him and often wondered if his longing was not one-sided.

Gary watched Tracey's reflection in the mirror as he carefully slid his lip ring into place, knowing the older boy was taking in his every move – as always. He had surprised himself by being so open with Tracey; May didn't even know about his piercings and, though he was sure Anna had noticed the piercings, he had never told her about them or shown them to her.

Tracey closed his eyes momentarily, forcing erotic thoughts out of his head, knowing Gary was watching him. He listened to the music playing from Gary's computer in the bedroom; judging by the female vocals, the complex keyboards, and simple drums, he guessed it was Nightwish – he had gotten used to much of Gary's music and found himself liking several of the bands. Gary's voice forced him to open his eyes.

"That day May stitched up my arm. I know you saw the scars," he said softly.

Surprised, Tracey didn't say anything. He hadn't expected Gary to ever verbally acknowledge what Tracey had seen.

"I'm surprised you never said anything about it," Gary pressed.

"It's not my place to say anything," Tracey replied quietly, meeting Gary's sharp eyes.

Gary seemed to accept this response as he nodded with a smile that Tracey didn't quite understand.

"I knew a girl back home who used to cut herself. She always wore long sleeves; she told me that she was ashamed of the scars," Tracey explained.

Gary understood the implication. "I'm not ashamed of them," he said defensively, Tracey doubted this but let it go.

"Why do you cover them then?" Tracey asked curiously.

Unable to think of an answer, Gary sighed and shrugged. "I don't know," he admitted. "I don't think my grandfather would be very thrilled to see them all the time."

"You let your worries of his disappointment dictate your life," the other boy pointed out.

Gary was shocked to hear the words come from his friend's mouth. Narrowing his eyes, he turned to face Tracey. "I'm not afraid of him being disappointed," he said sharply.

Tracey simply held his hands up in surrender. "Don't be mad at me," Tracey began slowly, choosing his words carefully. "But you hide your scars, you hide your piercings from him, you hide the fact that you're not ready to go back to school from him. It seems like you are worried about him not approving of you. You shouldn't let it rule who you are." Ignoring Gary's fierce gaze, he continued. "You're so secretive, I wonder what else you're hiding from everyone."

Gary walked past Tracey into his room and sat on his bed, eyeing Tracey warily with cool eyes. Tracey sighed and walked to Gary, standing in front of him.

"I understand that you're cautious by nature and I understand that you've been through a lot in your life. The scars on your arms speak enough for the latter." Tracey was picking his words carefully, not wanting Gary to suddenly close himself off behind those walls that so often kept everyone away. "I appreciate that you've allowed me as close to you as you have, I really do. But I wish you would stop pushing people away, I can tell just by the way that you act that you never let people close enough to understand what is going on in your head. I just wish you wouldn't hide so much of yourself from me."

Gary sighed and, to Tracey's surprise, suddenly pulled the long-sleeved shirt over his head. He held his arms out for Tracey to see the scars lacing the flesh.

"I'm not hiding from you." The words were soft, almost defeated.

Taken aback, Tracey took Gary's hands into his own and looked down at the scarred forearms. The sheer number of scars shook Tracey and he was rendered speechless. Remembering what he had once seen Anna do, Tracey lowered his head and gently placed a kiss on each forearm. Allowing Gary to slowly slide his hands from Tracey's, the two boys met each other's eyes. Tracey could see the shock apparent on Gary's face, whatever he had expected, it certainly wasn't this.

"When did you start?" Tracey asked softly.

"When I was twelve," Gary said after a moment of hesitation.

"Almost six years," Tracey murmured. "You've been doing it since then?"

Gary sighed. "I stopped for awhile a few times. I only did it once the entire time I was doing my research internship at Sayda Island before going to school."

Tracey nodded silently. "You probably don't want to hear this," Tracey began as Gary pulled the shirt back on. "But I think you should talk to your grandfather about this."

Gary slumped back against the pillows on his bed, closing his eyes as Tracey sat on the bed next to him.

"I know you don't want to, but it would make you feel better. Your grandfather isn't going to hate you or anything, to be honest, he'll probably appreciate the fact that you opened up to him." Gary opened his eyes to glare half-heartedly at Tracey. Not at all fazed by this, Tracey pushed on. "Telling him how you feel about school would get him off of your back."

Gary sighed and rolled over, indicating that the conversation was over. Tracey stood up feeling accomplished. "See you in the morning," he said as he walked into the hallway and closed the door behind him.

… … …

Tracey lay awake in bed for several hours that night, thinking of what had happened between him and Gary. It was because of this that he woke several hours later than usual. As he walked down the hall to the staircase, he was surprised to see that Gary wasn't in either his bedroom or the music room, or May's room.

Wandering aimlessly through the house, Tracey found Gary in the living room laying on his stomach on the couch watching an episode of Scrubs on tv looking bored. May sat on an arm chair near him reading a book, occasionally looking up to watch the tv. The episode ended and Gary turned off the tv with a sigh, tossing the remote onto the floor a few feet away. He rolled onto his back a stared at the ceiling as Tracey entered the room and sat on another armchair, watching Gary try to find a comfortable position. Tracey smiled in amusement as Gary got tangled in the blanket on the couch and tumbled onto the floor with a slight yelp; May laughed outright as her brother chuckled softly, maintaining his position on the floor next to the couch.

"What's wrong, Gary? Couch giving you troubles?" Tracey teased.

Gary tilted his head back to see Tracey in the seat behind him. "I'm bored," he said simply.

"Watch out, he's in a whiney mood," May said.

Anna stepped into the room at that moment. She took in the scene before her and shook her head, stepping over Gary to sit on the couch. "What are you doing on the floor?" She asked.

Gary groaned. "Long story."

May laughed softly. "Actually it's a very short story. He fell."

"And now he's whining that he's bored," Tracey added.

Anna laughed, leaning her head over the side of the couch so that her hair fell in Gary's face, smiling as he swatted it away. "Want to go to the mall?" She asked.

Gary stood up and stretched. "Sure." He looked at Tracey. "Want to come?"

Tracey nodded. "I have to get dressed first."

He dressed quickly and headed back down to the kitchen where Anna was waiting. As they sat waiting for Gary he couldn't help but wonder what could possibly be taking the younger boy so long when he was supposedly just putting on his shoes and grabbing his wallet and sunglasses.

… … …

Gary stood before the mirror in his bathroom, not sure who he was trying to impress – Anna or Tracey – with his dress. He had suddenly felt daring when he entered his room and dug through his closet until he found the black tank top that he was now wearing.

He knew May and Anna had never seen him like this and that Tracey had only seen it in a picture and he didn't know how they would react. Opening a drawer, he pawed around until he found an eyeliner pencil; leaning close to the mirror, he carefully applied the black makeup to eyes. He smiled as he finished putting the piercings in place and tried to imagine what Anna's reaction would be.

… … …

May froze in the hallway when she saw her brother come down the stairs. He was wearing his dark sunglasses and his hair concealed his face as he carefully kept his head down. That wasn't what surprised her – what shocked her was the tank top.

Keeping his head down as he saw the shock on May's face, he walked right past her into the kitchen where Anna and Tracey were waiting on him. May followed him as he shook his hair out of his face and took off the sunglasses.

"Ready to go?"

"Holy shit, Gary," Anna said softly as Gary's smirk turned into a shy smile. "You look hot. Where did the piercings come from?"

May stepped in front of her brother and examined him critically.

"I've had them for awhile. I was only wearing them at night for the past few weeks," he explained.

Tracey silently took in the camouflage cargo pants with the black tank top, the studded belt and the chain connecting to Gary's wallet in his back pocket. Gary smirked at Tracey, enjoying the fact that the boy was openly checking him out.

"Like what you see?" He asked so quietly that only Tracey could hear as he walked past the boy to the garage door.

Tracey nodded mutely, taken aback by how attractive Gary looked with that arrogant smirk on his face emphasized by the lip ring. Gary opened the garage door and climbed into the car, waiting on Tracey and Anna to follow him. Tracey climbed into the front seat while Anna positioned herself in the middle of the backseat as she babbled about how sexy she thought Gary looked. Gary blushed slightly as he met Tracey's eyes while Tracey flipped though the cd case, looking for the cd the two boys had listened to when they went to pick up takeout for dinner a few days before. Smiling when he found the cd, he slid it out of the case and slipped it into the stereo, removing the Arch Enemy cd that was already in. Anna grinned as the music came on.

"Sinergy," she observed appraisingly. "Good choice." Looking at Gary, she continued, "You did a good job of converting him to metal."

Gary grinned as the car quickly accelerated. "Which mall?" He asked.

"Viridian." Anna replied, taking the cd case from Tracey and flipping through it.

… … …

Gary flipped through the cds in the metal section of the music store idly as Tracey watched.

"Have it, have it, have it." A sigh. "Have the entire discography… Ugh, Slayer!"

Tracey watched as Gary picked up the cds by the band that he evidently didn't like and placed them in the pop section of the store. Anna complained that Gary was insulting a band that she liked. Gary argued that they had less musical abilities than a jigglypuff.

Tracey never ceased to be amused by the banter that went on between Gary and Anna, even when he hung out with them several times a week and heard it for hours on end. After spending nearly an hour searching through every cd in the metal section, Gary and Anna concluded that there was nothing that they liked and didn't already own and decided to get lunch.

As Tracey sat back in his chair at the food court he watched Anna coax stories from school out of Gary. With a significant look that wasn't lost on Tracey, Anna suddenly asked Gary a question that made the boy freeze.

"So, Gary, at any of those college parties, did you ever kiss a guy?"

Gary's muscles tensed visibly as he and Anna met each other's eyes. Finally he sighed and took a long sip from his bottle of water. Meeting Tracey's eyes over their drinks, Gary replied. "Yes."

Tracey could feel his eyes widen at the answer. "How drunk were you?" He asked with a slight laugh.

Gary coughed lightly. "I wasn't."

Anna frowned. "You said you guys had a lot to drink, tequila and vodka, remember?"

Gary met her eyes calmly, surprising even himself with his honesty. "That was more than a kiss, Anna," he reminded her.

Tracey couldn't stop himself from staring at Gary in surprise. "So… uh, you're bisexual?" He asked, attempting to sound casual.

Gary wasn't fooled by Tracey's would-be-casual question. "Yes."

Tracey was aware of the fact that things had suddenly changed. He wondered what had a greater effect on Gary's behavior, what he had told the boy last night or Anna's presence combined with her big mouth. When they arrived back at the house late in the afternoon and May and Professor Oak weren't anywhere on the first floor when they walked into the house. Tracey leaned against the wall in the hallway and watched Gary gently push Anna towards the stairs.

"I'll be up there in a minute," he said quietly. Turning to Tracey who was a few feet away, Gary felt his lips quirk into a familiar smirk as he tossed his hair over his shoulder – a feminine move, he knew, but it got Tracey's attention.

Tracey was all too aware of his pounding heart as Gary stalked closer to him.

Stopping directly in front of Tracey, Gary let his eyes pierce the older boy. "Enjoy yourself today?" He asked softly, their faces only a few inches away.

"Yes," Tracey said softly.

"Are you surprised?" Gary's voice was low and sent shivers through Tracey.

"Yes," Tracey breathed, intoxicated by how close Gary was to him.

Gary grinned suddenly and pulled back. "Good."

Tracey cursed to himself as Gary walked up the stairs, glancing over the railing to see Tracey looking disappointed.

… … …

A few days later, Tracey was sitting on May's window seat, watching the girl carefully apply mascara. They were chatting about random trivial things when Gary suddenly appeared in the doorway, quietly asking if he could speak to May privately. Tracey obliged and left the room, squeezing past Gary in the doorway.

Gary sat on the edge of May's bed, watching her finish applying the mascara before closing the tube and placing it back in the vanity drawer.

"How do I look?" She asked Gary, turning to face him.

Gary smiled slightly. "Gorgeous, as always." It was a phrase he'd used with many girls, genuinely meaning it rarely; he always meant it when he said it to his sister.

Her long wavy hair, only a few shades lighter than Gary's flowed over her bare shoulders and cascaded down the back of her blue strapless top. Her deep blue eyes were carefully lined with black liner, carefully shaded by a pale purple shadow. Her pretty lips accentuated only by a simple gloss; she was one of those girls who could roll out of bed and look beautiful, if a bit rumpled.

Glancing at his reflection in her mirror, Gary was reminded of how similar they looked. Their hair was nearly the same; May's was a bit lighter with a natural wave to it while Gary's fell perfectly straight. Their eyes were the exact same shape; Gary's were lighter while May's were such a deep blue that they sometimes looked black. They had the same nose, same cheekbones… They could easily pass as twins.

Gary looked away from his reflection, not liking the hollow look in his eyes.

"Are you going out somewhere?" Gary asked, eyeing the makeup.

"No. It's Michelle's birthday, remember? I told you yesterday that we were having a party tonight."

Gary cursed under his breath, remembering now. Michelle's birthday had slipped his mind, again, for at least the third year in a row. He would have to run to the mall in Viridian again to get a last minute gift.

"I take it that's not what you're here to talk about," May said, her eyes serious as she took in her brother's somber expression. She sat on the bed next to Gary, swinging her feet slightly as they hung several inches over the floor. Gary smiled slightly when he noticed she was wearing the light blue Converses with purple laces that he had gotten her for her last birthday.

Sighing, Gary shook his head. He looked around his sister's room, taking in the soothing pallet of blues and purples that decorated her neat room.

Sighing once more, Gary finally spoke. "I'm going to tell Grandpa today," he said finally, tugging at a loose string on May's comforter. Looking up at his sister, he pushed on. "But there's something I need to tell you first – "

May interrupted. "I know you're scared about telling him but – "

Gary held up his hand, cutting her off. "Please don't interrupt me, May," he pleaded softly. "I really don't want to talk about this but I need to and if you start talking then I won't be able to finish."

May nodded, pushing a stray strand of hair behind Gary's ear. Gary was silent for a few moments, looking as though he couldn't figure out where to start.

"Is this about school?" May asked softly, trying to nudge her brother towards a starting point.

Gary nodded morosely before plunging into it. "I told you I was sick and had to be in the hospital for a few days before I came home." He hesitated before continuing softly. "I lied." May raised a thin eyebrow slightly but didn't say anything. "I was in the hospital and, yeah, I was sick but… I made myself sick." Gary paused, his voice growing quieter, May looked confused.

Gary hung his head, letting his hair slide forward to cover his face. "I tried to kill myself," he whispered.

May felt her eyes widen, wondering if she had heard correctly. She silently reached over and grasped one of her brother's hands as words began to tumble out of his mouth.

"I was so overwhelmed by everything and I was scared about everything coming up so I took the pills from when I was sick last September. I missed you and I missed Anna and – I just missed you guys so much – I couldn't do it so I puked up all the pills and woke up in the hospital with Andrew and Chris and Chelsea telling me what had happened."

May silently hugged her brother as Gary tried to calm his rapid breathing. "My god, Gary, I didn't realize you were going through all of this," she whispered in shock as she ran her fingers through his hair.

Gary raised his head and looked at her with solemn eyes. May sighed and placed a hand against his cheek, forcing a smile as she fiercely fought back tears.

"Hey, we'll get through this. We'll talk to Grandpa and you'll be fine –" Her voice cracked and she looked away, tears flowing down her cheeks, trailing the perfectly applied mascara and eyeliner down her face.

The door opened and Anna bounced in happily. "Hey guys – oh," She stopped, taking in the scene before her. "This is pretty serious, isn't it?"

Gary closed his eyes. "Anna, you should probably sit down."

… … …

::Author's Notes::

The Nightwish song I pictured fitting into the scene with Gary and Tracey in the bathroom was She Is My Sin. The Sinergy cd Tracey picks out in the car would be Beware The Heavens (a teensy bit of slight foreshadowing).