A/N: Sorry for the wait! I got caught up in other projects and the motivation for this fell to the wayside a little bit. Thanks for all the reviews and interest though! :)

I'm pretty unhappy with this chapter, honestly, but I hope that you guys enjoy it, at least a little bit.

Disclaimer: Same as always.

Chapter 10 – The Things We Did

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

Mother Teresa

It wasn't so much that Jackson felt a sense of guilt when he first spotted Stephanie the next morning, it was more like he felt compelled to divulge his messy relationship history. He finally felt brave enough to be completely honest. He had no idea if he and April were right for each other, if they would ever make it work, but he knew that he would always want her. On some level he was always going to have feelings for the red-head and Stephanie at least deserved to know that. Then she could decide for herself what she wanted to do.

He had a feeling that she wouldn't want anything to do with him once he came clean.

So maybe his decision to come clean was less about courage and more about a means of escape…

Jackson gently grabbed his girlfriend's wrist and pulled her into a nearby on-call room.

"Good morning," she smiled. She observed his worried expression and quickly deduced that he hadn't pulled her aside for a quickie. "What's up?"

"I need to tell you something," he responded slowly as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Okay," she frowned before taking a seat beside him. "What is it?"

Jackson ran through possible opening sentences in his head before one unintentionally slipped out. "I haven't told you anything about my last relationship for a reason."

Stephanie furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," he began somewhat reluctantly, "that I didn't tell you about the last woman that I was involved with because it was complicated and messy, and we're friends but there is still kind of this tension and…she works in this hospital."

She processed his monumental revelation as bits and pieces of conversations that they had had and moments that she had observed since arriving at this hospital started to come together. It was really quite easy to figure out once she really thought about it. She now knew that there was no "friend from back east". He had been talking about himself.

"It's April Kepner, right?"

Jackson gulped and nodded. "Yeah, it is."

Stephanie paused before she spoke again. Obviously there was a reason why he was telling her this now, and with Kepner's impending nuptials, she was pretty sure that she knew what that reason was. "You still have feelings for her," she whispered.

Jackson hung his head and looked down at his sneakers. He couldn't bring himself to answer that. To vocalize how he felt about April in front of Stephanie.

But his silence spoke volumes.

"She's getting married," Stephanie told him condescendingly.

"I know," he scoffed. "Believe me, I'm aware."

Stephanie slowly got to feet and took a step towards the door. She wasn't entirely sure what he was trying to tell her, he hadn't explicitly said that he wanted to break up, but he had never, at any point during their relationship, expressed a need or a longing for her. He had been a very passive participant in things until very recently. And now he was talking about having feelings for Kepner on the eve of her wedding.

"What do you want Jackson?" She finally asked rather fearfully. She turned to face him and saw that he looked incredibly conflicted, and a tad ashamed. "Not me," she answered for him.

He raised his head guilty and made eye contact with her for the first time since they entered the room. He really wasn't sure what he wanted. It was fairly easy to pretend that he had moved on when he wasn't around April and purposefully pushed her out of his mind, but as soon as he saw her…or thought of her…it was like he was pulled right back in. Like he was a satellite caught in her orbit. He couldn't stop thinking about her now, or kissing her, but he didn't know if he was ready to get involved with her again. He had thought about it many times but one thing kept echoing in his mind: she wasn't easy to love. She didn't make things easy.

But love wasn't supposed to be easy. Relationships weren't supposed to be easy.

It was clear that he wasn't going to respond so she spoke again. "I am going to take some time to think. Come talk to me when you figure out what you want."

She promptly left the room and Jackson fell back onto the bed with a loud sigh. He had learned a long time ago that figuring out what he wanted, especially when April Kepner was involved, was not an easy task.

April walked around the hospital like a zombie. She felt so awful, like the guilt of her actions was actually weighing her down, like there was lead in her sneakers. Despite that however, her mind played what she had done with Jackson on a continuous loop. Like she had thought when Jackson had told her that Stephanie and Shane had kissed, a kiss always meant something. She truly believed that so what did that mean for her? She had done a bit more than just kiss Jackson.

When she thought about Matthew she felt wretched and guilty, and selfish, but when she thought about Jackson she felt wanted and longed for, and…loved. She quickly tried to crush that word when she thought of it in terms of him. Loved. Jackson Avery had never given her any indication, verbally or otherwise, that he loved her. Matthew, on the other hand, told her that he loved her on a daily basis. He wanted to marry her and start a family with her, and be with her for the rest of his life. Jackson had a girlfriend, one that he had chosen over her when she had confessed her feelings for him during the storm. He had made it perfectly clear that he wanted Stephanie Edwards, not her.

Then what was he doing with her? All of the "progress" that they had recently made to repair their friendship was gone now. She felt like she had gone back in time to when she had returned to Seattle from Moline and had had absolutely no idea about what he wanted, and more specifically, what he wanted from her.

She was so confused.

April huffed loudly as she sat down in a chair behind the nurses' station and searched the internet for any interesting surgical articles to read. She needed something to take her mind off of things and the pit was painfully slow today.

She jumped when a voice called her name. She glanced upwards and forced a smile. "Matthew! Hey! What are you doing here?"

"I'm on my break," he smiled, "and I thought I'd come see you."

She quickly got to her feet and walked around the desk so that she could lead him outside. When he visited her they spoke in his ambulance or outside the ER entrance for the sake of privacy. They sat down on the nearby bench and she entwined her fingers with his.

"So, how's your day so far?" She asked.

"Good," he replied. "Not too busy. What about you?"

"Slow," she sighed.

Matthew rubbed his thumb along the back of her hand as he looked at her closely. She had been slightly off since Callie Torres' malpractice trial and he hoped that the incident wasn't making her second guess herself as a surgeon. "Are you okay, April?" He asked softly.

"Yeah," she chirped. "I'm fine, just a little tired."

He probed further. "Are you sure? There's nothing bothering you?"

She nodded determinedly and forced herself to lie with a straight face. "I am definitely fine." She was a much better liar than she gave herself credit for and she had done an amazing job of covering up the hickey that Jackson had left on her skin. She leaned forward and gently kissed his lips. "I should get back to work though."

"Okay," he nodded. "I love you."

"I love you too," she smiled.

She stood up and began to walk back towards the ER with an uncomfortable expression. She did not deserve Matthew after all that she had done and she knew that whatever was happening between her and Jackson needed to end. She was getting married and that was final. She was not going to impulsively break another promise because Jackson Avery made her heart race and her stomach flutter. She refused to let that happen again.

The very last person that Jackson had ever expected to confront him about his personal life was Arizona Robbins. But she cornered him in the attendings' lounge while he was pouring himself a cup of coffee two days after catching him in the conference room with April, and he could tell that she meant business.

"Dr. Robbins," he greeted her hesitantly. "Can I help you with something?"

She furrowed her brow in anger and shot him a sarcastic smile. "What do you think?"

"I think that you want to say something to me about April."

"Smart boy," she complimented nastily.

He brushed off her comment and merely shrugged. "I don't know what you want me to say." He wanted to tell her that it wasn't really any of her business but that could open up a dangerous can of worms.

"I know that I can't say much to you," she admitted. "It's not like I'm the moral center of this hospital. I'm a cheater, I know that, but April Kepner is not." The red-head had put on a very good show for everyone over the past two days, but whenever it was just the two of them Arizona could see every conflicting emotion etched on her face. "This is killing her and it's your fault."

Jackson held his hands up defensively. "Hey! I didn't make her do anything!"

Arizona rolled her eyes. "That's such a male answer! You're messing with her! Take some responsibility for your mistakes!" He opened up his mouth to speak but Arizona cut him off. "Just figure out what you want, and if you don't want her then stay away from her. What happens if you ruin her relationship? Are you prepared for the fallout of that? Just think about it."

The peds surgeon stormed out of the room, leaving a speechless Jackson behind. Robbins had become the second woman now to tell him that he needed to figure out what he wanted.

After being yelled at by Robbins, Jackson promptly sought April out so that they could talk. However, it was clear that she was avoiding him in any way that she could. So after three days of being ignored, Jackson's impatience took over and he stepped in her path at his very first opportunity. He grabbed April's wrist and led her towards a stairwell.

"Jackson, what are you doing?" She asked in frustration as she fought his grip.

"We need to talk," he told her firmly.

April looked around the stairwell nervously. She bit down on her bottom lip before she looked at him pleadingly. "Can we go somewhere else, please?" Anyone could walk into the stairwell, on any floor, and overhear their conversation.

"Okay," he conceded with a sigh. "Where do you wanna go?"

She pointed upwards and he followed her up the stairs until they reached the roof. He didn't care where they were, he was just glad that she was finally willing to talk to him.

They stepped into the chilly fall air and April immediately wrapped her arms around herself.

"I don't know what we have to talk about," she began as she looked down at her shoes. She couldn't risk looking up at him, it was too dangerous.

He scoffed in disbelief. "What we have to talk about? We have everything to talk about!"

"Jackson," she spoke softly. "What we did was wrong…and it…it doesn't change anything…"

"I think it changes everything," he argued. "I know what I want now." He had thought of only that for days and what he wanted had been staring him in the face for over a year. And he was sober now so he could say it and be taken seriously. "I want you, and I think you want me too," he finished quietly.

April threw her hands out in front of her in frustration. "You keep telling me that you want me but you still have a girlfriend!" He looked away sheepishly and she sighed, "You don't know what you want, Jackson."

"I wish people would stop telling me that," he muttered. He took a step towards her before he spoke again. "I know that I can't stand being around you knowing that you belong to somebody else. It's the worst feeling."

"We didn't work, Jackson," she told him tearfully. "We tried and we really hurt each other and we never talked and it was just bad." It hadn't been a mistake, she knew that now, but it hadn't been meant to be either.

He took another step closer and gently cupped her face. "But it was also really good," he breathed.

She closed her eyes as she felt his breath wash over her face. He had a point, they definitely had a connection. He knew things about her that nobody else did and he was incredibly good at reading her moods. But there were also very important things about her that he just didn't understand. Sure, they were very physically compatible but that didn't really mean anything.

He brushed the tip of his nose against hers and she hummed while placing her hands on his sides. He took a deep breath before he spoke again. "Just tell me you don't want me and we'll stop this," he offered.

April gulped harshly before she opened her eyes. She stared back at him and forced out the words that she thought she would never say. "I don't want you. We've been through this, I love Matthew and I'm going to marry him. I'm just too weak to say no to you apparently."

He wasn't completely shocked by her response for a variety of reasons. She was protecting herself by making the safe choice. Matthew was just like her, they would have a simple, normal life together. There was no risk there and he realized that he was a huge risk, a jump off of a cliff, go all in kind of risk that she wasn't prepared to make right now. Also, she probably didn't trust him to care for her and protect her as much as she should. She didn't grasp the depth of his feelings for her because he had never been able to tell her.

And this whole thing where they kept falling back into each other, making out against strangers' cars and fooling around on conference room tables probably wasn't helping her either. Their old relationship had never truly ended.

"Maybe it's because we never really got any closure," he proposed.

"What do you mean?" She asked in confusion.

"We went from cold to hot to cold again so quickly that there was never any closure. No room to breathe." He dropped his hands to her hips and pulled her into him as tightly as he could. The next idea that popped into his mind was ridiculous, yet to him, it seemed like the right course of action. "Spend the night with me."

Her eyes widened in shock. "What?"

"For closure," he responded. "We spend one more night together and then I'll let you ride off into the sunset with that guy. One more night and you can have your happily ever after."

She continued to stare at him, her eyes darting between his eyes and his lips. "You do realize what you're saying, right?" She questioned incredulously. "What you're asking me to do?"

He nodded slowly. "I know that it sounds crazy but maybe it's what we both need. This way we can both move on, for real this time." He backed away from her and left her with a parting smile. "Just think about it."

Eight hours later, Jackson found himself sitting on the edge of the bed in the room that he had rented at the Archfield Hotel. He nervously thrummed his hands against his knees as he waited for April to arrive. He wasn't even entirely sure if she was coming, but he had left a note in her locker telling her where he would be and when he would be there.

He was hoping that she would come.

He was praying that she would come.

He had come to the realization that it was definitely over between the two of them; they would never be more than awkward, former best friends who may have had a future together if she had been pregnant. She was committed to Matthew now. That much was clear to him. But they still had something, and it was obviously pretty powerful.

And if they were both officially giving up on each other then he wanted one last night with her. They needed to say goodbye.

They needed to say goodbye so that they could finally stop hurting each other. She hadn't wanted him when he had wanted her and then he had rejected her when she had wanted him and now they were back to square one again. He kept saying that he wanted her and she kept telling him that he really didn't mean it and she was marrying Matthew.

So it was over.

He sighed as he glanced at his watch. He had asked her to meet him at nine and it was almost ten o'clock.

A sinking feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. She wasn't coming.

A/N: So what do you think? Is April going to show?

Please leave me your thoughts (good or bad)! :)