Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans.
a/n: Personally, I really like this chapter. Hope you guys like it too.
If you guys have any good Slade/Raven fic recommendations, or any good fic recommendations in general, let me know! I need something good to read.
Reviews, sharing, etc. are always appreciated. I adore all of your reviews. They push me forward to write.
"She had wandered, without rule or guidance, into a moral wilderness..."
- Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
Slade: But honestly - did you think you could just blow the candles and wish it all away?
- Birthmark
Chapter Ten: The Then
After Robin, each of the Titans took a turn trying to coax Raven out of her room.
Cyborg had been first.
"Um, Rae? I haven't played chess with ya in a while, and I was wonderin' if you wanted to start a match right now?"
He had been the easiest to dissuade. Cyborg had always respected Raven's privacy, even when her distance bordered on introverting.
Starfire had been next.
"Friend Raven, please come out and join us! We miss you very much, and are growing very worried about you! We could visit the salon of nails, or see a gruesome film while eating unhealthy amounts of buttered popcorn, or - "
It took a full two hours of rambling about activities outside the tower before Starfire realized her friend wasn't going to respond. Raven felt a little guilty about rejecting the alien girl, which only deepened her misery.
Beast Boy was the last one to try. The fact he even came to her door meant the Titans were getting desperate.
"Raven, if this is about me turning into a tadpole in your herbal tea, I'm sorry, okay? It was a bad joke. But don't drag Cy and Star into this! What's your deal? If I have to sit out here all night to get you to talk, then I'm gonna do it!"
Raven gnashed her teeth together, knowing Beast Boy would make good on his word. It's not like the changeling had much else to do, anyway.
"Go away, Beast Boy."
"Not until you tell me what's going on."
"It's none of your business."
"It is when you hole yourself in your room and won't talk, Raven! C'mon, we're your friends. Whatever it is that's eating at you, it's okay to tell us."
Raven's fingers dug into her gray blankets, pulling them up to her neck. God, why couldn't he just leave her alone?!
"Beast Boy, if you don't leave within the next five minutes, I'm going to send you to another dimension. One where anything green is considered food."
It was an empty threat (Raven knew of no such place, otherwise she would have sent the changeling there long ago). But she heard an indignant huff, a couple of angry mumbles, then the stomping away of paw-print sneakers. Relief, shameless and strong, flooded her veins.
Two days ago, Raven had admitted to herself that she felt an attraction to Slade. Two days ago had been the last time she'd seen him, surrounded by the darkness and the scent of the ocean. Raven could almost smell the leather of Slade's armor; she dug her nose into the covers, desperately attempting to rid herself of the memory.
Even though her father was a demon, Raven had a rocky view on the idea of a God.
Now, she would have believed in anything that would make these feelings disappear.
Could the daughter of Hell pray?
It was worth a try.
Wriggling her fingers from the edge of the blankets, Raven pressed them together below her lips, breathing softly and squeezing her eyes shut tight.
"Dear God," she murmured. "I know I'm not the best, er, person. But something horrible has happened to me, and if it isn't fixed, people will get hurt. I don't want to hurt them, God. Can you please...help me? Can you make it go away?"
Experimentally, Raven opened her eyes. The soft patter of oceanside drizzle tapped against her window, soothing and unbothered by the cosmic deal at hand.
She waited.
Nothing happened.
What now?
Once more, Raven could feel tears beginning to brim.
.
She had to end things.
Raven struggled the entire flight to Slade's home, fighting every feeling, rational explanation, and emotional protest. Passion was practically pulling her hair out.
"I can do this," she muttered, jerking his door open. Everything about the mansion was too familiar, now. Raven knew there was the slightest of discolorations on one of the concrete steps to the door, knew there was a knick in the edge of the door. She knew too much.
Raven stepped in, quietly.
"Hello?"
"Two days, Raven."
Slade strode out of the shadow, hands clasped behind his back. "It's been two days since you checked in last. I was beginning to think you had fallen ill."
Raven's stomach turned. "More or less."
His good eye studied her. "Next time, I expect some form of notification."
Next time? Raven wanted to punch him, and then herself - anything to release the agonizing tension wound up in her muscles.
"There won't be a next time.
Slade's pupil dilated. "I beg your pardon?
"We're done," Raven repeated tiredly. The words sounded much different out loud than in her imagination. "It's become clear that you pose no threat to the Titans as of now. And until something changes, I don't need to keep checking in on you."
Slade said nothing. Halfheartedly, Raven reached out an empathetic feeler to see how Slade was reacting emotionally, only to hit an mental blockade not unlike her own. She wasn't surprised, though. Slade rarely let his feelings past his own body, with only the occasional angry slip-up. It meant Raven couldn't see any part of him; his past, his future, him.
"May I ask what brought about this...change of heart?"
Damn, he gave away nothing. Slade was frozen, gaze hard, and his tone was cool. They could have just as easily been discussing the weather.
Well, she could be aloof too.
"Circumstance," she replied dully, assuming a bored expression. "This arrangement is simply no longer convenient. It's become pointless."
That was a lie, that was a lie. Her cheeks flushed with warmth, and she detested how uncomfortable it was to be dishonest with him.
"I see."
A certain edge had surfaced in Slade's voice, but it wasn't angry. If anything, it was disturbed, concerned.
But this was Slade they were talking about, and Raven blamed disorientation on the whole thing. He was probably furious with her. Slade did not seem like the type to like change.
Raven started to chew her lip, but stopped herself hastily, remembering the charade.
"Thank you for being so cooperative. If we meet again, I hope it's as friendly acquaintances."
"Friendly...acquaintances." Slade echoed, almost mockingly. Raven swallowed.
"Yes. Goodbye, Slade."
What now?
But there was no now. There never would be, not between them.
A quiet ache was persistently thumping within her chest; with a shock, Raven realized it was her heart.
With all the pride she had left, Raven turned heel and left Slade's seaside mansion, forever.
.
It's for the best, Intelligence soothed.
Passion sniffed. No, it's not! We were so close! But no, Raven had to be the friggin' virgin Mary...
Raven folded her arms, surveying the scene. The mirror was, indeed, a tool for meditation. However, Raven's current visit into her consciousness was proving to be anything but meditative. All her emotions, save Rage (who, no doubt, was plotting something devious to enact in Raven's worn state), were a mess; Passion was beside herself.
All I want for Raven is some nice, healthy sex! Is that too much to ask? Is it?
Happy was uncharacteristically silent - since Raven wasn't happy, she'd been rendered mute.
Lazy, who'd bundled herself into an orange burrito on the dusty gray rock, made a noise of approval.
Timid whimpered, burying her face in her palms. P-please stop. You're making me sad.
True to her name, Passion cried dramatically, WELL, EX-CUSE ME! I'M NOT SUFFERING AT ALL! GOD, NO! RAVEN!
Raven put her fingers on her temples. If she was getting a headache now, did that mean her physical body would have one once she left the Nevermore? Or did it mean she was having two headaches at once?
Stop it, Lazy groaned, wriggling in her cloak bundle. You're over-thinking. It's giving me a headache instead.
Take an aspirin, Brave agreed, rubbing her forehead. Timid started crying again. Happy wilted, saying nothing.
Lord, help them all.
"Look," Raven sighed. "Intelligence is right. This is for the best. It's just...better, okay? I don't even like him."
Lies! Teary-eyed, Passion glared at Raven. You're lying, and you know it!
This was getting out of hand. Raven pinched the bridge of her nose. "Seeing Slade was a mistake. I thought it would be good for the team. I didn't want to ruin what we have right now."
Happy lifted her head, the sorrowful, wide-eyed expression contrasting sharply with the bubbly emotion they were all accustomed to.
But Raven, she whispered, no louder than the barest of breezes, you're not happy. You weren't happy when you made the arrangement with him, either.
Happy's words struck Raven with the force of a thousand screams. Like a snake in the brush, Rage materialized beside her ear, breathing heavily.
You're pathetic, she hissed. You can't even keep yourself together. You can't even answer your own damn question. You have no idea how to make yourself better. Do you want to drag the Titans down with you?
Normally, Raven would have ignored Rage's insults. But a hot flash of something - just the feeling of enough - cut straight through her. Without a second thought, Raven turned and struck Rage across the cheek.
The Nevermore was silent. Even Passion stopped whining to witness the events unfurling before her.
Rage's four blood-red eyes sparked with flame. Raven could feel the sting of her slap against her own cheek, a leftover burn from her confrontation.
Slowly, Rage exposed two rows of razor sharp, white teeth.
There she is.
Rage was laughing as she flickered away, leaving a plume of white smoke and seven stunned Ravens behind.
.
After some deliberation, Raven decided to take a few days off to visit her kids. Melvin, Timmy, and Teether were in between monasteries and foster homes at the moment, so she figured the kids could use a break from the system, too. More than once, she'd asked Robin if they could stay at the Tower, only to be met with the same answer: the Teen Titans weren't babysitters.
That was why Robin was most often open to Raven making the occasional visit to her three super-powered children.
This time, however, he seemed apprehensive to the idea of her leaving.
"The H.I.V.E. hasn't attacked for a while now, Robin. You'll be fine without me. And if you need backup, you know the Titans East are always willing to help."
At the thought of Aqualad, Raven became hyper-aware of her own heartbeat.
Good, she thought viciously. Anyone but Slade. Anyone but Slade.
Robin shook his head, watching from the doorway of Raven's room as she packed her things. "It's not that. We can handle ourselves. It's you I'm worried about."
It's more than that. I can tell. We have a bond, remember?
Raven picked up her mind-mirror, deliberating, then stuck it in the book bag that served as a suitcase. "I need some time away, Robin. Nothing you do or say will change my mind."
She could sense worry taint Robin's thoughts. "Is it something we did? Is Trigon coming back? Why won't you tell me what's going on?"
Tell me what's going on.
Guilt flitted through Raven, and she zipped the bag shut, avoiding eye contact with her leader. "Trigon's gone. It's not you guys. That's all I can say about it."
"Can? Or will?"
Tick-tock, Raven. Time's running out.
Slinging the bag's strap over her shoulder, Raven turned to the Boy Wonder. "My train leaves at three. I have to go."
Robin unwound himself from the door frame and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"If there's any trouble," he said seriously.
Raven offered the tiniest of smiles. "I'll know who to call."
.
The train was fairly empty, it's occupants consisting of mostly mothers and their offspring and a few lucky businessmen on their way back home. A few of them gave her some strange looks - why is a Teen Titan taking a train out of the city - but the stares seemed to pass once the train got moving. Raven found a compartment with only one other person, and she was quick to find seating in the darkest corner. The urban setting was gradually fading away in the blur, being replaced with shrubbery and a greener landscape.
Raven sighed. This was the first moment of peace she'd felt in a long time.
Pulling out her communicator, she signaled Melvin's own. After two rings, a round, blonde face popped up on screen.
Raven smiled. "Hey, Melvin."
"Oh, hi, Raven!"
"How's my favorite group of heroes?" (Dimly, she remembered Slade saying the same thing to her at their first meeting, and cringed)
"Bad," reported Melvin baldly. "Timmy got some chocolate ice cream on his blanket, and now he won't stop crying."
She turned the camera to Timmy, who was shrieking and moaning while clutching his favorite thing in the world. Indeed, Raven could make out a large, dark stain embedded in the blankets blue fabric.
"Have you tried washing it?"
The lens panned back to Melvin, now accompanied by the huge, grinning mug of Bobby.
"Four times. Foster lady said if he doesn't stop crying soon, she's gonna kick us out. Can she do that, Raven?"
A pang of anger wrenched through Raven's heart. The woman's threat was an empty one, because legally, she wasn't permitted to release the children until the time came to transfer them to their next home. But Raven hated the woman for scaring Melvin all the same. Nobody messed with her kids.
"I'll talk to her," Raven reassured the girl, barely managing to hide the threatening note in her tone. Melvin's face went lax with relief.
"Good, 'cause Teether would probably chew up junk on the streets. He's going through a trash phrase."
"A trash phrase?"
An image of the toddler riffling through the garbage lit up the communicator's screen.
"Oh, a trash phase." Then, "Teether!"
At the sound of Raven's voice, the baby poked his head from the bin, a crumpled soda can wedged in his mouth.
"Put that down!"
Teether obeyed, scrambling to the communicator shouting, "Way-way! Way-way!"
"Hey!" Melvin's voice protested as the picture shook back and forth. "Give it! I'm talking to Raven!"
Timmy's wails could be heard once more, and after a few seconds of scuffling, Raven's communicator filled with gray static. She sighed again. God knew Raven loved those brats, but if she wasn't careful, they were going to be the death of her.
Raven snapped the communicator shut and straightened her posture. Maybe she could wiggle in some meditation into the hour-long train ride. Crossing her legs and bowing her head, Raven found her center.
"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos."
She was feeling better already.
"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos. Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos. Azarath, Metrion - "
"Zinthos?"
Raven's eyes flew open.
A handsome, white-haired man with a black eyepatch smirked down at her.
"Mind if I join you?"